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UnBroken:Dealing with the Choice of Adoption for Your Child
by Courtney Frey
I tried to calm myself by justifying my decision. I told myself a thousand times that regardless of the pain, the choice I made was right. In the face of others I denied the torturous guilt and alluded to the fact that my child was happy and healthy and that's what mattered most. Although I never really knew for sure if that were true.
Tied to a hundred ropes in a hundred different directions I struggled to hold on. Which way to go, which way to believe, and who to follow through this? I ached for some direction, for anything and anyone to have enough confidence to pull me out. To help me on. To give me the fight and the will to start again.
The agency would have me believe that my child was wonderfully peaceful and joyous and that nothing greater could I do than to move on. My family, those around me who loved me, knew nothing of the task I'd done or in fact, how it had and would continue to affect them as well. Friends were long gone in the shadows of my past, those days of careless idolatry and popularity wilted away before my very eyes.
And I felt broken in a world that could not help me repair myself.
In this very midst of brokenness and helplessness, although I cannot trace it back to a perfect moment, there came upon me a desire to make a choice. To choose what would come of me.
I laid down the sword of validation and shushed my cries for help. In a moment of realization, and quite possibly understanding, that others could never do for me what I could very well do for myself I reared up and stood strong and faced the ultimate challenge of all.
To be Un Broken.
I always knew what I was running from, even when I was being unfairly chased. I always was aware of choices that could be made even when I felt like a victim to the demand and desires of others. If I looked hard enough .. they were there. The choices that would make me me.
I could not fight for change in the lives of others who were unwilling to rear up and face the issues head on with me. I had to let them go. I had to let them fall away. I could only do what was required of me to save myself from being broken. To keep my spirit strong.
Adoptee's. If you are struggling to make sense or make peace in your relinquishment, if you are in the midst of what seems to be an endless search for birthfamily know this one thing: You have the power to be unbroken, regardless of what is missing at the present time. Seek it deep within you the voice that may be that of your mothers, the touch you felt through the years but could never explain. The laughter that signifies your presence, it ripples with the tides of your mothers joy. Seek it deep within you pull it up and take strength from it. It is not missing it is there. For you exist, and in you, does she. Seek that. Seek the unbroken spirit within you until you find it and hold it long enough until you are made strong in it. So that no matter what happens, whether you find yourself in her arms again or not you chose to be unbroken from her as I believe in my heart, she so did on the day she last saw you.
Birthmothers, if you are struggling to make sense or make peace in your relinquishment, if you are in the midst of what seems to be an endless search for healing, or recovery know this one thing: You have the power to be unbroken, regardless of what is missing at the present moment. If you hold on to what matters most, if you take it in your heart and guard it, live it, and honor it you never really loose it after all. It becomes a part of you .. the strongest part of all your will to survive. Your will to be better. Hold on to that .. if nothing else. Hold on to that unbroken part of you that no one else on earth can tame or break and claim it as your own.
In these moments in which I laid down my need for others to make the pain go away, or even my desire to have them acknowledge it I realized that ultimately no one else could do for me the one thing that I had to do for myself.
And that was to be strong enough to be un-broken.
Don't let others tame who you are. Don't let them break your spirit. Call upon yourself the greatest strength of all exist with the will to stop running from or towards others and start standing strong in who you are.
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