Talking to Your Child About Adoption

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Talking to your Child about Adoption

The following is from the booklet "Talking to Your Child About Adoption" by Pat Dorner. You can order the booklet by sending $5.00 (The cost includes 1st class postage, tax and handling.) to Schaefer Publishing, P.O. Box 7487, Santa Cruz, CA 95061. Bulk orders are available at reduced prices.

The School Age Years
As adopted children grow up, the issues they deal with increase in complexity. They are able to understand more, and they are striving to know more. I would like to emphasize here that, while adoption- focused issues are being raised in this booklet, children are not typically fixated on adoption every day. They will play, laugh, fight, participate in extra-curricular activities and more. The intent here is to help those who care deeply about the healthy development of children to be keyed in and responsive as the need arises.

School-age kids have typically mastered the fact that their birth mother was the one who gave birth to them instead of mommy. Now they are focusing more on why it all took place and who they look like. They also wonder if the adoption took place because they were bad, ugly, or unlovable. They are carefully taking in the cues from their parents as to how acceptable and comfortable their questions are.

We have come to learn that adoption communication gets cut off early in the life of the family when the adoptee senses parental discomfort or distress. Adult adoptees often state that their antennae were very sensitive to their parents' reactions when questions arose. This had to do both with the fear of hurting them as well as the fear of losing them. Having already lost one set of parents, they felt vulnerable to history repeating itself. Rather than taking chances, their questions dried up. That does not mean that their questioning ceased within themselves

. There is a ramification, though, that must be addressed here. Adoptees have told us that sometimes their adoption-related needs went underground so that even they were not in touch with them. This self-denial has proven detrimental as they realized that this lack of self-validation and acknowledgment spilled over into other parts of their lives rendering them weak and insecure. They became unable to trust and recognize their own feelings in favor of protecting their parents and what they perceived as the tenuous relationship with heir parents.

Again we must emphasize that it is the parents' duty to pave the way for continued adoption communication. Books that are helpful in this age group include How It Feels To Be Adopted, Why Was I Adopted ? and I'm Still Me. With this age group discussionscan evolve from newspaper and magazine articles. Television shows are also a natural for this type of exchange.

While communication within the family is vital, one must bear in mind that children in this age group may not want their adopted status freely discussed with others. It is important that the family be respectful of the children's wishes. Each family may have its own system for giving members the go-ahead to share that aspect of their family. A word of caution here. As in all areas, we must exercise moderation. Respect regarding adoption communication does not mean pathological secrecy.

Children sometimes don't wish others to know of their adopted status because of the hurtful comments that sometimes follow. We must bear in mind that some people who are inquisitive or make comments which seem rude, may not necessarily be acting out of maliciousness but rather out of ignorance. Kirk suggests that parents say to their children, "Some people just don't understand about adoption." We can't all be experts in all areas.

A typical line of questioning other children subject adoptees to has to do with whether they were in an orphanage because their "real parents" did not want them and therefore gave them away. Given the internal struggle inherent in adoption regarding love versus rejection, it goes without saying that this confrontation only reinforces their own uncertainty regarding these issues. Rather than explain and defend themselves, they choose to keep their adopted status a closely- guarded secret.

All of this gets compounded by the system of closed adoption where the children usually have no concrete evidence that their birth parents in fact loved them and continue to love them. In an open adoption where there is contact or access to contact, the children are better able to deal with this. They have supporting evidence that their birth parents made a plan for them. This evidence comes in the form of letters, gifts, calls, even visits.

Even so, we must be alert to the secrecy regarding children's adopted status, for intertwined in this are also feelings of shame. "What was wrong with me that my birth parents could bring themselves to separate from me?"

As major changes have taken place in the field of adoption, professionals have seen a dramatic increase in the number of adoptive parents seeking more information for their children. Not only are they asking for information contained in agency files, but they are also asking for outreach to birth parents to take place. As they realize that they are not equipped to answer the multitude of questions their school-age kids are asking, they are clamoring for answers. This new breed of adoptive parent is creating change in adoption practice.

As professionals do the outreach, they are discovering that birth parents are responsive to the children's needs. Sometimes all the child wants is that vital verification that he is loved and remembered. A message embodying that can carry a child for a long time. When the letter also includes some details regarding the birth parent's preferences regarding food, colors, sports etc., then the kids are really pleased. Child-appropriate letters have a powerful impact. These are letters that are sensitive to the child's age and communicate messages simply and clearly.

Children also benefit from having pictures of the birth parents. This assists them in dealing with that persistent question of,"Who do I look like?" Fixations magically disappear when pictures are made available. The interesting part is that once the picture is in hand, it seems to diminish in importance. The fact is that it has had an existential impact, and the child can now move on.

Parents often ask when is a good time to share letters and pictures. The sharing happens most successfully when it is done without great fanfare. It can be initiated by the parent or by the child's questions. Even preschoolers can handle seeing a letter, a picture and/or a gift from their birth parent. School-age kids who can read will be able to participate by reading the letter themselves. The parents then help them process their feelings.

As mentioned in previous columns, adoption involves a process of grief related to the loss of the birth parents. During the school years, this grief experience becomes manifested with greater incidence. Children are more clearly understanding that they have lost a set of parenb, indeed a whole family. They may show anger, sadness, guilt, self blame and other characteristics associated with grief.

Parents, particularly mothers, may be subjected to displaced anger. This emotion is usually unconsciously intended for the absent birth mother. Since she is not present to receive it, the adoptive mom gets it. Awareness of this dynamic will assist parents in helping the child express his inner feelings. For example, when a child says, "You are not my real mother!," the mom may respond with, "I am your real mother. We are all real!" The child is seeking to push his mother's button, and he is also seeking assurance that he is truly mom's child. There is an unspoken need to know that permanence and entitlement are mapr ingredients in the relationship.

Another manifestation of grief may be thechild's lament, "I wish I grew in your womb." He loves mom and is sad that that intimate connection is not his to have. Mom may respond with, "I wish you grew in my womb too. Still, I love you and am okay with how we became a family by adoption." This serves to validate the child's feelings as well as acknowledge positively the family's adoption reality.

The school-age years are ones of major leaps in adoption understanding. As this occurs, complex issues and questions arise. Parents, secure in their role, will maximize the positive outcomes for their children. As adoption communication takes place in an honest and sensitive fashion, so will the bonding and intimacy between parent and child increase dramatically. It is an exciting time to feel the depth of emotion as the ties between parent and child take place. What music to a parent's ears when a child says, "I am so glad you are my parents because you understand how it feels to be adopted."

Teen Years
During the teen years, mammoth changes are taking place. These include physical and emotional dimensions. It is a time when adolescents are seeking their own identity, striving for adult status while sometimes acting like tempestuous two year olds. Peer pressure reigns strong and parents often fall from their pedestals to a status of know-nothings. While independence is much sought after, there is often a balance created as teens engage in behaviors that maintain a connection with parents. This offers a measure of self protection in the complex growing up process.

The adopted youngster has some additional dimensions to deal with. As he struggles to define who he is, he must face the fact that he has very little knowledge about his origins from which to draw his conclusion. Yes, who he is, is to some extent defined by the here and now as well as the connection to his adoptive family and all that makes it up. At the same time his reality includes a whole birth family that most of today's adopted kids know very little about. Furthermore, in most cases there are no avenues for obtaining the knowledge necessary to clearly define oneself in light of one's genealogical origins.

The questions that continue to surface evidenced themselves at earlier stages. However, during the teen years the normal "who am I?" question assumes great importance particularly when intertwined with adoption issues.

Teenagers by now understand the moral dilemma faced by their birth parents, particularly the birth mother. Though the 80s brought with them a high acceptance of single parenthood, there still seems to be an empathy for the times that were more judgmental of pregnancy without marriage. Teens also understand cognitively the permanence of the adoption relationship as defined by the legal system. What they often question is why the legal system blocks them from knowledge about, or contact with, birth family.

Parents often ask for guidance regarding the sharing of known information (both the good and the not so good) with their children. In their book, The Grafted Tree, Wishard and Wishard suggested that during adolescence all known information be shared . I have found that to be good counsel over the years. Adopted persons want to know the truth. When difficult truth is conveyed in a loving manner in a supportive environment, I have found that young people assimilate it well and without trauma. When information is shared in a factual and nonjudgmental way, the adoptee is less likely to absorb it as a message about his worth. Typically he is pleased to start filling the gaps through knowledge. Parents of today's teens received very brief details regarding original family. That was the practice of the day. As change has taken place in the field of adoption, a growing number of parents are approaching their agencies seeking additional information contained in agency files. This is being done in response to the vast number of questions their children are asking. This parental responsiveness in and of itself is a powerful message to their children that communicating about adoption is okay.

As adoption has become more open, we are seeing parents who are evolving with the new knowledge. They seek to know more both for themselves and their children. The typical fears regarding birthparents are instead replaced by empathy. The result invariably is closer bonds within the family. Youngsters feel validated and understood. Communication about adoption increases with children confirming their parents and, at the same time, verbalizing their adoption-related needs.

The typical adolescent is not necessarily expressing a need for direct contact with birthparents. He usually just wants answers to his questions. The questions tend to be the same as at the earlier stages but now originating from a more mature perspective. They continue to wonder if their birth parents remember them and why the adoption took place. Witnessing single parenthood in their age group also tends to impact on how they view their own adoption. For some it is a reflection of how hard it would have been to be a parent at that point. For others, it raises questions as to why their birth parents didn't do whatever was necessary to keep them in the fold of the family. This obviously is a time to continue to have communication in the family to bring out whatever the teen's perspective is.

How he perceives his adoption will also affect the handling of his own sexuality. We have seen teens who get pregnant so as to consciously or unconsciously recreate their birth mothers experience. Attending to these dynamics through communication and sex education becomes vital.

During this stage of development grief is also experienced. The nature and intensity of it will vary with the youngster. However, this is a time of reflection regarding the loss of birth parents through adoption. As the adoptee tries to answer the "who am I" question he almost forcibly has to give thought to his absent family. Typical manifestations are denial, anger and sadness. Again, it behooves parents to be very aware of developmental issues in both adolescence and adoption so as to invite maximum communication.

Using books and magazines as a tool to increase dialogue is always a good idea. There is so much written about adoption nowadays that families can make observation and ask for input from the teens. A newspaper column can make for brief reading and rich discussion.

There are some excellent books geared for the adolescent reader and others that are broader in scope but still appropriate for this age reader. Among these is Who is David, I'm Still Me, Dear Birthmother, The Psychology of Adoption and The Adoption Triangle. It is a good idea for parents to continue reading all that is available, as it keeps the awareness level high. It also offers modeling regarding the relevance of this material to the family unit. Additionally, the more evidence there is that adoption communication is welcomed, the higher the likelihood the teen will share feelings and thoughts.

This age group is highly protective of the feelings of adoptive parents. They greatly fear distressing their parents where adoption is concerned. They sometimes will deny having adoption-related needs in favor of giving their parents the message they think their parents want to hear. They also fear rejection by their birth parents, so rather than say they want to know more, they protect themselves and say they have no curiosity.

Rather than break through these defenses by challenging them, parents are encouraged to express their openness by responding to whatever needs their child may have. This may include gathering more inforrnation, positive statements about birth parents and support of the search. This gives explicit permission to the teen to identify and respond to his needs without feelings of guilt and removes him from inappropriately being in the role of his parents' caretaker.

Another issue that adopted teens are facing is the increasing occurrence of birth parent contact. Some of these families are doing so because their children are expressing a deep need for contact. Other families are doing this because their children are having monumental problems, and they are discovering that adoption issues are at the core. These kids are having severe difficulty with identity and abandonment issues. Their parents are beyond being scared of the birth parents. They see them as necessary participants in the therapeutic process.

There is much discussion among the professionals and others personally involved with adoption regarding taking this step. There is concern regarding complicating an already complex stage of development. The key here is providing education and counseling to all parties. Contact should occur with respect for the pacing needs of all parties. As in the adult search process, birth parents are typically open to contact. They welcome theopportunity to participate in the well-being of their child. They are very respectful of the adoptive family unit and feel grateful to be able to have knowledge of the child.

Teens have been able to work through adoption issues. As they witness their parents' support of the contact, they bond more tightly within their family. Answers to a multitude of questions become facilitated. Confirmation of being loved and remembered help them resolve internal struggles. This is a complex process that evolves over time. In Chddren C Open Adoption case studies demonstrate the workings of these contacts in greater detail. It is time that as in other areas of mental health intervention, that we respond to the client's expressed needs and not hide behind the what ifs.

Needless to say, parents need to be reassured about their typical fear that contact with birth family will harm the child . I have not seen any evidence of this. Another major fear is that the child will choose to leave his adoptive family and go to live with his birth family. This is an unfounded fear. Adoptive parents must learn to trust in the permanence of relationships. Their children depend upon this permanence for their very security. They have already lost a family and their greatest fear is losing the one they have now. To communicate a message of permanence, it has to be conveyed through one's own trust of this ingredient.

The following are excerpts from letters relating to teen contacts with birth parents. The source for these is Children of Open Adoption.

From an adoptive mother: "I am Jill's mother. I am not worried about our relationship or that of the rest of the family. She is also very secure with our relationship. I hope and pray that you will be her friend....l have thought of you often as I have watched Jill grow up." (p.140)

From a birthmother: "Believe me when I say that hearing that you have had a wonderful and loving family makes me happier than anyone will ever know. The letter I received from your mother was such a joy. It helped fill in the blanks." (p.141)

From an adopted teen: "I think this was the best time she could have ever come into my life. I needed to know more about my life....It helped me so much and has been a big comfort to me....I feel as though I am a complete person." (p.152)

The teen years offer many challenges. Responsive parents are able to journey through the adoption issues by maximizing communication and giving their children permission to express their needs. The outcome of this validation process is a strengthening of the familial bonds. What can be a better foundation for the bridge to an adult relationship between parent and child!