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PreSchool Years
In order to examine what a child might understand about adoption, it is important to examine where he is cognitively. In the preschool years, children function in a very concrete fashion. Abstractions elude them. Therefore, anything one does to make his adoption experience concrete will assist in his understanding of adoption.
How can this be accomplished when one is experiencing a closed adoption? What creative tools can parents use to enhance the understanding and minimize confusion? Let us examine together some techniques to accomplish this goal. Bear in mind that understanding is developmental, just as walking and talking are. We go from the simple to the complex.
Today there are a multitude of books that assist us in conveying adoption to our children. Children enjoy repetition and that allows for the frequent reading of adoption-related books. Each reading offers a new opportunity for increased communication and understanding. Examples of age-appropriate books at this stage are: Becky's Special Family, The Mulberry Bird, William is My Brother and Adoption is for Always.
Parents may choose to create the child's personal book, telling him his own adoption story. This may include both anecdotal information as well as pictures portraying different aspects of his adoption. For example, pictures of the family prior to his arrival, pictures of the day the family was formed by his arrival, pictures of his birth family (when available) and subsequent pictures can be included. Children love to hear their own story, so this can be a most helpful tool for conveying adoption understanding.
A child in this age group will begin to ask questions regarding whether he grew in his mother's tummy. This is an excellent time to use correct vocabulary and impart information about his birth mother . For example, "No, you did not grow in my womb. You grew in your birthmother's womb. When you were ready to be born, you were born like everyone elseóin a hospital. After your birth, your birth mother chose adoption for you becauseó. She loved you very much then, and she loves you very much now."
Each child's story will have its own details. It is vitally important consistently to emphasize that the birth mom made a loving decision. One of the major struggles of adopted persons relates to the issue of whether the adoption was an act of love or rejection. Sometimes adoptive parents will say that theirs was a closed adoption that did not provide evidence of the birth mother's love. In cases such as these, it is vital to obtain information regarding the circumstances surrounding the adoption.
When information is not available, then it is the responsibility of the adoptive parents to avail themselves of the new knowledge and understanding about birth parents. Birth parents love their children through the years and wish they had an opportunity to convey this when theirs is a closed adoption. Contrary to the mythology of years past, birth parents never forget their children. The more sensitive adoptive parents become to the birth parent dilemma and experience, the more comfortably they will be able to convey the birth parent's love without feelings of insecurity and competition.
Preschool children often think everyone is adopted. Therefore, ongoing clarification is necessary and appropriate. The child is still absorbing, in a gradual fashion, significant information about his reality. Many adopted persons will say that they don't remember being told that they were adopted. The fact is they grew up with this knowledge from early childhood, gradually grasping the information.
This brings us to when to tell children they are adopted. Hopefully it is obvious by now that it is an ongoing process from the time the child joins the family. Adoption discussions do not have to take place with a scheduled frequency, nor should they depend on the child's initiation. Too often we hear parents say that their children don't ask any questions; therefore, they have none. It is vitally important that the parents bring up adoption communication in a relaxed and interspersed fashion.
An example of this would be to say, "When we adopted you, we lived in Washington," or "the day we adopted you, we took a million pictures!" This type of casual commentary gives the child the signal that he can discuss adoption when he feels like it and ask questions as needed.
When my daughter was 2 1/2 years old, she asked, "My birth mother, she not know me?" This sentence conveyed a tremendous level of understanding as well as an effort to understand what adoption was all about. Remember, it is a developmental process.
Children of closed adoption deal with a greater number of abstract concepts than children of open adoption. We have found that the opportunity for contact with birth parents enhances the understanding children have about adoption. The reason for this is developmental. They are dealing with concretes rather that ab- stracts. A child who has a gift from his birth mother is able to relate that item to a real person and give that person some attributes. The gift also presents concrete evidence of that birth parent's love. This reinforces the fact the adoption was an act of love and that the birth parent continues to love the child. Letters from the birth parents also convey the same message. The child begins to absorb feelings of continued love and caring. This nourishes his self esteem and paves the way for an emotional well being.
The child who is able to have physical contact with his birth parents has yet another level of the concrete. Birth parents are very real to him. He hears statements of love and caring directly. He learns to trust these messages and internalizes positive feeling about himself. When we feel rejected, our self worth is compromised. When we feel secure, we see ourselves as lovable people.
Sometimes questions arise regarding confusion to the child when the birth parent(s) has physical contact. We have found that the child is able to sort out the different relationships in his life in a matter-of-fact fashion. He is able to maintain a relationship with his grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles, friends, etc. Little by little he learns that these are people who care about him. Later he learns what the sociological significance of these relationships is. My 9 year old still periodically asks whether a particular friend is like an aunt to her. Having special titles seems to convey a special relationship that makes that person closer to us. Let us be clear that the birth parents are central in importance to our children.
The preschool years are a time to continue laying the foundation for adoption understanding. Children begin to grasp that they did not grow in their mommy's womb, that they grew in their birthmom's. They may begin to ask who they look like and why their adoption took place. They may also begin to demonstrate grief related to adoption. This may be demonstrated clearly through expressed or acted out sadness, or it may show itself with adoption denial or anger. This is a time when children will express the wish that they had grown in their mommy's womb. They also may go through time periods when they emphatically deny their adopted status. Parents benefit from an understanding of the stages of grief so that they may help their children process their emotions.
As parents are able to understand that the grief is normal and has nothing to do with their parenting, they are better able to validate the child. This validation allows the child to further express his feelings. The outcome is enhanced communication within the family and a trust that adoption issues are truly open to discussion even when they are difficult.
Some ways that parents may validate their children would be to say, for example, "I can see that you are really sad (rnad)." This is a good time to have physical contact with the child by hugging or holding him. Physical contact leads to emotional contact. The more our children feel protected, loved and under- stood, the more they will travel through the grief to a greater degree of resolution.
Sometimes parents worry about showing emotions such as crying during these times. Again, it is important to convey to our children that we feel their feelings and therefore may cry. Taking it one step further, it is desirable to say that though we may cry, we still want to talk about it. The reason for this elaboration is that children assume a tremendous amount of responsibility for their parents' feelings. If they sense they are hurting them, then communication risks being blocked in the future.
As adopted children develop adoption understanding, increasingly complex questions and issues arise. It behooves adoptive parents to be very well versed in these so that they will convey a comfort to their children about this topic. The more comfortable the parents are, the more the children will entrust their questions, thoughts and feelings to them. This is the cornerstone of communication within the healthy family.
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