ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM for Birthparents
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ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM for Birthparents
Support Forum
for Those Considering Making an Adoption Plan...(continued)
August 1997
To Birthmoms and those thinking about placing a childI gave a son for adoption 11 years ago. I have had times of doubt and fear about whether the decision was right or wrong, but after giving it deep thought I always know in my heart that it was the best thing for my son and I. I've read a few birthmom's letters saying how they want to get their child back and I felt I should tell them...every birthmom goes through that. But you really need to look into your heart and think of why you gave the child for adoption, it was a very hard decision, I'm sure you didn't just do it on a whim, there were real reasons, strong reasons, for giving the child to someone else. And they were most likely very good reasons. There isn't a day that has gone by in the past 11 years that I havent thought about my son, wondered what he was doing, was it nice enough for him to play outside in the sun today? And what I wouldn't give to just look into his big brown eyes (I have beautiful pictures of him, thanks to WONDERFUL aoptive parents) or just to hold him for a brief moment, but then I pop myself back into reality and know that he has the best life I could give him. If I had kept him at 18 yrs old with no diploma, no dad around to help, no home of our own (living with my struggling mom)...maybe he wouldnt have the happy little face I see in those pictures. I love him so deeply that it's hard to explain, but love doesnt feed a hungry child. He's where he belongs, and someday hopefully I will see his shining face...but not now. If any birthmoms need someone to talk to feel free to email me at huishke@axp.calumet.purdue.edu (yes I'm in college now, on my way towards a MSW to do adoptions someday...all while raising two beautiful daughters who also cant wait to someday meet their big brother)
Kathy
huishke@axp.calumet.purdue.edu
My girlfreind is pregnant and we are looking to give the baby up for adotion. We live in Lincoln, NE, and would like a list of agencies that might be able to assist us with free counseling services, medical bills, housing, etc. Please e-mail me some info. Thank You
Hi and thanks for your question.
You can check on our state by state resource list for adoption agencies near you Then click on Nebraska....
Also, you might want to consider an independent adoption. For this, you can check out the resources on our main index page and any of these attorneys can provide coverage for medical bills, housing etc.
Also, you can check with some families who are looking to adopt who can help you.
I would recommend counseling by an independent, non-adoption involved source such as Crisis Pregnancy where they have no interest in the outcome of your decision about what to do.
Pregnant Friend Can you please send me some information about adoption, I know a girl who is pregnet, and whats to either adort the child or keep. I was adopted so I am trying to convince her of the values of adoption. Could you send info on hot-line numbers and other resources she can use. Browningsl@aol.com
Response:
Check your local Crisis Pregnancy Center. They have free counseling. Also see our birthparent pages for more articles about adoption. Also, we have a new article by Sharon Kaplan Roszia about questions to consider and think about regarding making an adoption plan.
Need to correspond with others I got this address from an adoption site and thought it might be worth a try.
I am nineteen years old. A little over a year ago, I placed my little girl for adoption. (I signed the papers when she was five days old.) I know it was the best thing for me, her, and her adoptive parents. I understand all of that. But lately, I have started to feel manipulated and used by the agency. Maybe it's valid, maybe not, but I am starting to slowly spiral in to a depression. I got married this past June (not the baby's father - I was attacked by the birth father and became pregnant,) and my husband has been a great support, but he recently got a new job, so I spend my days and most evenings very alone.
I guess what I'm asking for is a name or two of women who have placed children, women I could relate to. Do you know of any on-line support groups? If you have any ideas, please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated.
If I was given the wrong address, please forgive me for taking up your time.
Thank you very much. Sincerely,Elizabeth
caramy@juno.com
Response:
Hi Elizabeth,
We forwarded on your note to our birthparent expert...see http://www.adopting.org/expertb.html. Perhaps there are some people on our forum who will respond to you with support.
Open Adoption--love, pain, joy, fear, loneliness Dear Folks,
My ex-girlfriend and I placed our beautiful daughter for adoption one year ago. We struggled through the decision making and prebirth process with much help from the adoption agency, my grandparents, my ex's mother, members of her church, but mostly it was getting to know a prospective adoptive couple that made the decision easier. We picked them from a book full of profile purely on the attributes that we would have wanted to have in ourselves, were we to keep the baby. When we first met them they were not overly excited because they had gone through the process before and it did not pan out. So we talked with them and asked questions and they asked us questions, by the end of that session I knew that they were to be the parents of my daughter.
We met them a couple of times, visited their home, my ex even became freinds with theprospective mother through phone conversations. We ( my ex and I) that we wanted them to be with us at the actual birth(well the mother anyway, the father was too sqeemish). And that is what we did when the baby finally came. I can tell you that that hospital time is the most difficult part of the ordeal, but having them there was tremendous help, I believe(it's not like I have anything to compare it to). Of course at that time you have doubts and feel like all of this work(my ex was in labor for 36 hours) and emotion(I was there in tears all night holding her hand as she screamed) that is being released is the mark of your ability to parent. That the love and ever tightening bond that you feel for each other and the baby is so intense that it can't mean anything but you were meant to raise this child. But when you look across the birthing room and see another mother, one with out a child, one that is going through the same amount of torment and anguish as you, you feel that ever tightening bond coming from across the room too and you know in your heart how the parents of this baby were really meant to be. I know that this probably sounds very strange but it is the best way I can describe the situation.
For what it's worth, Brian.
Cornfed680@aol.com
Wanting to reclaim child I had a little girl 8 weeks ago and was forced by my boyfriend to sign papers for adoption. I want to reclaim her. Can I do it?
Response:
I don't know since the law varies from state to state. You might try asking an attorney who knows the law in your state...you can find a list by going to http://www.adopt-usa.com/agency.html and clicking on your state....then scroll to the bottom of the list, or calling Concerned United Birthparents to get legal help. 1-800-822-2777
July 1997
Requesting help from Other Birth parents To anyone listening. I'm 18 years old and 29 weeks pregnant. The birth father (my boyfriend) is in the Army, he is 21 yrs. of age. We are discussing adoption as an option. I have no source of income and he roughly makes $650 a month. I want what's best for our baby, as does my boyfriend. He is very supportive. This decision on whether to keep our baby or give it up is on my mind 24/7. I need help or advice on adoption and whether it is right for us and our baby. I'd like to hear from other birth parents who recently placed a child for adoption. Thank you for your concern and time. Sincerely, Ang
BlsMs@aol.com
BirthFather Support? Any groups about Birthfathers that agreed to the adoption and are now wanting support from others that may be in same situation? Basically want a site or two that is/are related to BirthFathers. Thanks
Greg
gwagnon@st1.wosc.osshe.edu
Response: There is a group of Birthfathers somewhere in Florida...I will look further. In the meantime, you might be able to find help by contacting
Concerned United Birthparents (CUB)
2000 Walker Street
Des Moines, IA 50317
1(800)-822-2777 or (515) 263-9558
Anyone with more information, email and we will post.
Considering Adoption for my Child I'm considering adoption for my child. He/she is expected to arrive in early December. I'm already a mom and fully aware of the tribulations of a single parent. I'm not sure that I can go through with adoption but I would be interested in hearing more about/from prospective families. I don't want to mislead anyone, I just want to be sure I end up making the right decision.Can anyone help?
Julie
Response:
Julie, I am forwarding your message on to our Birthmother Expert. In the meantime, check out the Crisis Pregnancy Center near your home. They have free counseling. Also, check out the articles and books on our Birthfamily Pages as well as our Waiting Parents pages.
DEAR READER,
MY NAME IS APRIL I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I WAS A PART OF ADOPTION IN 1987 I HAD A LITTLE GIRL THAT I PLACED FOR ADOPTION .THEN IN 1990 I HAD ANOTHER LITTLE GIRL THAT I ALSO PLACED FOR ADOPTION . I WAS VERRY YOUNG AND NOT MARRIED HAD SO MANY REASONS TO GIVE A CHILD A GOOD HOME AND IM PROUD TO HAVE CHOOSEN ADOPTION . IM WRITTING THIS TO ANY ONE OUT THERE WHO CARES TO LISEN DONT GIVE UP OR GET FRUSTRATED IT WILL HAPPEN . AS A BIRTH MOTHER I AM STRONG WILLED AND HAVE LEARNED THROUGH THE YEARS AS I GROW THAT GOD GAVE ME A GIFT TO HAVE CHILDREN BUT NOT THE GIFT TO RAISE THEM IN A GOOD STRONG ENVIROMENT .WHITH ALL PROLBEMS IN THE WORLD PEOPLE SAY THEY WANT CHILDREN BUT CAN THEY PROVIDE FOR THEM USUALLY THAY CANT IF IT WAS NOT PLANED . MORE YOUNG WOMEN SHOULD THINK ABOUT ADOPTION THERES ALWAYS A WAY TO TO LEARN TO UNDERSTAND IT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO . DONT BE CLOSED MINED . BE OPEN TO YOUR CHILDS NEEDS NOT YOURS . AFTER I HAD MY CHILDERN I KEEP IN CONTACT WITH THEM THROUGH THE THE ADOPTION AGENCY AND RECEVED LETTERS AND PHOTOS . SURE ITS HARD AT FIRST THEN YOUR SO OVER WHELMED WITH JOY TO SEE WHAT YOU HAVE CREATED AND GIVEN TO SOMEONE WHO CAN REALLY TAKE CARE OF HER WITH OUT STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE.
SO YOU SEE MY FRIENDS ITS TRULY A GIFT THAT YOU CAN GIVE , IM JUST SORRY I CANT HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN OR ID GIVE YOU ALL ONE . I AM MARRIED NOW AND CHOOSE NOT TO HAVE ANY MORE CHILDREN AFTER MY SECOND CHILD . I HAD MY TUBES TIED AND AM NOT SORRY OF THE CHOICES I MADE WE ARE VERRY HAPPY . AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST OF LUCK .
SINCERLY APRIL
APE1ZIGG@aol.com
To every Birth Mother out there, please read my letter if you have any doubts.The Gift
22 years ago today I got a phone call from my doctor to say that he had a baby boy 7 days old that needed a new Mommy & Daddy. We picked him up the next day! We adopted him legally 2 years later.
We had tried to adopt a child for over 5 years (I had a hesterectomy at 19 after the birth of our daugter) and here in Canada we were on a waiting list for all of that time.
From the second we saw him (through many tears of happiness) he was our own. Four years later my husband and I divorced and my daughter, son and I made a new and different life for ourselves. I remarried 2 years later a man that had no children and took my children as his own. To this day I can not even imagine any one person loving their children more than what we do.They are the lights of our lives.They are a part of us. However --- Not many days have passed that I secretly have not thanked you for your insight and wonderful attitude. This was the greatest gift that any one could ever give especially to someone that you didn't even know. I wish that we could meet someday so that I could thank you in person and also share this wonderful kind, generous, loving human being that you created and I nutured. Thank you is not enough
The Mom
stibbo@brucecbe.edu
adoption I am considering adoption for my unborn child while I am bi-racial the father is black. I am interested in a couple who would consider a black child to adopt and I would also like to have an open adoption so that I can be sure that this child is raised by someone who will love and cherish my child. I am really scared about someone adopting my child and then later abusing them. I have no interest in reclaiming my child cause I cannot afford to give my child the lifestyle I wish them to have even though I can give them the love that a child deserves. I know it takes more than that to raise a child. I am only interested in the progress and development of my child. Just to be sure they get the kind of family and life I desire them to have.
Support in the Bay Area? My daughter is coming back to live with me. She's sixteen and 3 months pregnant. She had been living CO with my parents for the last year and a half for a variety of reasons, running away quite a lot, I was travelling on business quite a bit, and since she turned 13, our ability to get along got more and more difficult by the day. She had been on birth control but wasn't consistant with the pill, thus, she's now pregnant.
Now I'm trying to prepare to get her through this as best as I can by providing as much support and alternatives as possibe. Your site is quite informative, but I wanted to find out what other support groups, i.e. counceling, agencies for adoption alternatives, teen pregnancy support groups, etc. are available that you are aware of here in the Bay Area.
She is part white, part hispanic and her boyfriend is African American. I obtained the information on PACT. I know of a home for teen mothers, Violet Rice here in Santa Clara. But like I stated above, the more information I have the better. I will also be contacting the national organizations for adoption. I have no expectations that she will go forward with an adoption, but at this point, she hasn't ruled it out so I have hope.
Response:
Thanks for your note...Sorry to hear of your daughter's situation...I would suggest you check your local Crisis Pregnancy Center...they have wonderful counseling(check your phone directory in the yellow pages)...Actually, our second child's birth mom is from Santa Clara and had a good experience with them. Any information, feel free to email us and we'll post.
Response:
Hi, My name is Vicki Nelson-Bathke and I am a birthmother as well as an adoptee. I currently work at an agency (north of S.F.) called Adoption Advocates. I know that what you are about to deal with is very scary and hard. You are doing the right thing by wanting all the information you can get your hands on!. I would love to help you and your daughter in any way that I can, even if your daughter does not choose adoption, since you are in the Bay area, I can arrange (if you both wish) to meet with you and offer any support I can. The executive director of the agency that I work at is Rosemarie Stevens-Nielsen. She is an adoptive parent and has over 10 years experience working in this field. Here is the number of our agency, (707) 575-8201. I hope to hear from you, I wish you both all the luck in the world. Remember we're here for you both, free of charge!!. Good Luck, Vicki Nelson-Bathke.
General Advice to single moms-to-be/grandparents Please encourage your daughter to marry the father and keep this baby if at all possible. I married at her age, and it was the best thing I ever did, I have no regrets. It is so good, to turn the seemingly negative situation around to good with this show of maturity. If she makes this choice, support her with all your love and encouragement, but don't let her shift the responsibility to you. I beg you with all my broken heart from years ago, when my parents rejected me, to please give your daughter this option. She will thank you for it someday.
traynard@concentric.net
5 months pregnant I am 5 months pregnant and consideringadoption for the right couple. I need legal assistance, prefere a couple that has a law degree, yet very loving, open adoption only.
An Adoption Gone Wrong I want you to know that I truly feel that this website is great. I wish I would have had some type of support or feedback such as this when I was going through my son's adoption. I would like to know if there are any sites for mothers who have retrieved their children before any paperwork was signed. About five and a half years ago, I placed my baby boy up for an open adoption. I truly thought that I was doing the right thing. Then someone told me that I should have done what I felt in my heart was right. The birth father wanted nothing to do with the baby and was fine with the adoption. I however, was destroyed. Along with the postpartum depression, I was feeling as though I abandoned my son. The people I placed my son with were great. Nevertheless, after about two months I couldn't deal with it anymore and decided to get my son back. If I thought the adoption was hard, retrieving my son was even harder. Sometimes, late at night, I think about the two people who took my son in and the hurt and anger they must feel even to this day. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision. When my son gets shuffled from my home to his father's home every other weekend, I wonder if I was just being selfish. But you know, when my son looks at me and smiles, I know that I truly could not live without him. We made it. I guess this is my way of apologizing to those two parents that held my son in their arms for the first two months of his life. I have never really been able to talk about this freely and for some reason, I turned to you. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I do think that adoption is a great gift. I just wanted to share my story. Sincerely,
Nicole
wiggi@inreach.com
Talking to a teen A very dear family friend (15 years old) wants to keep her baby that she will deliver in September. She is living in this fairy tale world that all will be right with her and the baby, and they'll live happily ever after. What resources or web sites can you recommend I show her; both myself and her father want her to put the baby up for adoption. I am the Godfather, so I have a concern in this matter. Please offer any advice you can. I want her to allow her baby to have a chance at a good, prosperous life. Thanks!!
Dave
Denver, Colorado
Response:
Hi and thanks for your message...this is a very difficult decision and there will be grief no matter what the final out come is, unless the 15 year old has some means of support for herself and her child...I usually recommend Crisis Pregnancy...they have free counseling... there is a link off our link site
Also see sites and support for those considering adoption
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