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Native American Adoptions 10 May 1997
I am registered as a Native American with the Cherokee Tribe. Does this qualify my husband and I to adopt a Native American infant?? If so, where do we begin the process??
jshel456@ix.netcom.com
Response:
It sounds as though it does.Check out this section of the Indian Welfare Code which deals with your question. Contact the Cherokee Tribe for information...probably where you are registered.
seeking info 9 May 97
My husband and I are in our mid twenties and although we are able to have biological children, we both feel that it would be more beneficial to adopt. We would like to adopt a child eventually, but we have several questions since neither one of us knows where to start.
First off, we are a multi-ethnic couple (I am white and my husband is white and black mixed) so we would like to adopt a child also of mixed race. We would prefer to adopt a slightly older child, perhaps between two and three years of age. We are wondering is it feasible to find this type of child through an adoption agency, or would it be better to try the foster care approach first?
Also, we are a military family and since we are both fairly young we are concerned that an agency would consider us too unstable to adopt. Although my husband is in the military, he is doing very well in his career, and we are financially stable. Also, the military provides us with housing and medical benefits. Would an adoption agency necessarily disqualify us because of this factor? It would be interesting to hear if other military families have had similar issues.
If you can give us any information, it would be a great help. Thank you!
LittleGlo@aol.com
Response:
Getting started is not that difficult.
See our information specifically for military.
To get started check out the following:
Getting Started
What about the home study?
Then check out some of the resources on our main page.
This should get you started.
The foster-care route is a good way to go if you want to adopt a multi-ethnic child. You can contact your local county for information. There are also adoption facilitators who can help you.
Once you've decided what kind of adoption you want, you will need to choose an agency or attorney to help.
In addition to the ones listed for military,
see our state by state listing of what's available to you.
Birthmother Concerns 7 May 97
I know that I will probaboy be blasted for this, but I need to have this resolved. My husband and I are interested in adopting and infant, but as my husband says: We are not a CASH COW. However, every agency we speak with mentions that in addition to paying their fees (which range from $5,500 and up) we will have to pay for birthmother expenses, including maternity clothes, housing, councelling, legal fees and medical care. I have a problem with this. I am not unagreeable to paying for councelling, legal fees or SOME medical care. After all, it is in my best interest for the birthparents to have councelling. Also, some test are needed to ensure that the birthmother and the infant are in good health. And I feel that the legal fees are my responsibility since I am the one doing the adopting. But I feel (quite deeply, I might add) that is is wrong for adoptive parent to pay for maternity clothes and living expenses. What if a birthmother has to choose between us and someone who will pay all of these expenses. She may be swayed by financial considerations and, in essance, sell her child to the highest bidder. During my research I have read that paying for these things is considered a charitable contribution. But if you must pay for these expenses then it is no longer a choice. If you don't have a choice then it's not a donation. If it's not a donation then you are buying a baby. This is how we feel. Remember...birthparents give children life...adoptive parents give children quality of life. Can anyone address this.
Carla
Response:
Hi and thanks for your message. Actually there are some pretty stiff laws about this--at least in California--only pregnancy-related expenses may be covered. I think you can only pay for the last few months if I'm not mistaken. Many times a birthmother will have medical or medicaid.
From Carla 8 May 97
Thanks for being so quick to address my concern. I have since talked with a male co-worker who brought to my attention the benefit that adoptive parents get by paying for some housing expenses. It basically ensures that the birthmother can take better care of herself and her child. So I feel more accepting of those expenses. Since one of the major reasons women give their children up for adoption is because of financial constraints I assumed that finding a birthmother who doesn't need assistance would be practically impossible. Do you have any statistics on those figures?
Response:8 May 97
I do not have statistics, but birth mothers come from all parts of our social structure--rich and poor. The important thing here is not money, but finding a birthmother with whom you click--someone whom you can trust and feel good about and someone who feels good about you. Once you meet someone, it is like any other relationship, which requires respect and concern toward the other person.. If money is a concern for you, there are situations which you can live with. Many have medical or their own insurance.
Adoption leave 6 May 97
Could you please tell me if there has been any litigation around the inequity issue of women getting maternity leave benefits, such as use of company sick time, while adoptive parents are not allowed to use company sick time for a similar situation, i.e. bonding with the child.
I am so very upset that my company will not let me use any paid sick time for my adoption of two special needs children, yet my collegues (who are not technically "sick" a day or so after a normal birth) are allowed to use all of their sick time. It seems like a real civil rights issue. I am not going to quietly go to the back of the bus any more! Any ideas about a class action lawsuit around this issue?
Nyla Gaylord
nylasg@vivanet.com
Response:
I do know an attorney's wife (about 12 years ago) who did take this to court and won 6 weeks of disability. I will try to contact them today. In the meantime, check out the following :
Ask a Lawyer
Information on the Family Leave Act
Waiting for our proposal
We are currently waiting for our proposal from an another Country. I'm finding the waitin to be somewhat frustratiing!! Could you suggest any good chat lines, or books and where I could order them from? A little something would be of help to keep me sane, during this waiting period.
Julie" dustin@mv.igs.net
Response:
Here are some suggestions:
Take some time for yourself and your spouse (Believe me, it will be a long time before you're able to do so again without hearing, "Mommy! Mommy!." Once your child arrives, most people don't even have time to take a shower or finish a thought or read a book!)
Take child care classes.
Learn about your child's country and culture.
Decorate the room.
Look into a pediatrician.
Check out your Birth Announcements
Do Some Reading:
Enduring the Wait Until You AdoptBooks to Read
Giving a Child Back...Please Help
Please can someone help us? my husband and I brought home a baby from an adoption agency two months ago. Almost immediately we felt that it was not right and thought about returning her. We hoped that our feelings would change but they have not. WE have made a decision to send her back but are over whelmed with guilt and pain. How do we cope? How do with live with our decison? What if is is not the right decison? We know that we can not compare ourselves to birthparents but there are some things in common. We have cared for this baby for two months including when she was very ill in the hospital. We get up with her at night. We are there to comfort her, to tend to her needs. how do we just say good by/
Birth parents have some contol over selecting the family for thier children and many will be able to have contact of some sort in the future. We will not have that. our child will never know us, but we will never forget her.
We need help! How do we get through each day. She is in our thoughts every moment. How do we cope...how do birthparents cope?
Response from Brenda
Hi,
I wanted to share an experience with you. Almost two years ago we heard from our social worker about a four week old baby girl. She had been placed in an adoptive home for two weeks, and ended up being critically ill. The doctors told this family that she had an extremely rare disease and would require a liver/kidney transplant before she was one year old. They felt totally unable to cope. The agency they went through didn't want to be involved finding a new placement, so they called another agency that they had worked with for their homestudy and asked for help. They wanted to know if a family could be found for this baby girl. That worker was our worker, and three days later, after papers were signed, we brought her home. The pain of making the decision to back out of an adoption is not easy. There are so many feelings involved in this. The day after we heard about her, the first adoptive family came up to meet us. They wanted to know why we felt we could handle her medical needs and explain why they couldn't. We were very honest in saying that to us, the medical needs weren't important. We had alot of love to give, and I was a stay at home mom who could take care of her. We also told them about our decision previously in disrupting an adoption of an eight year old girl. We knew the pain and guilt that they were feeling. But sometimes you have to do what your heart is telling you to do. Our decision enabled the eight year old to finally be in a situation that she could handle, without the stress of being in a family. In this couples situation, they couldn't handle all of the medical needs. They needed to do what was best for them and most important what was best for the baby. They couldn't meet her needs, so they made the unselfish decision to find her a new home. Not all situations are the same. We are very fortunate that the birth parents would accept us as her new family. They were extremely grateful that another family would adopt a child with these special needs. We have a relationship with the birth family, and with the first adoptive family. Our daughter was their daughter for two weeks. They loved her and cared for her. She was also their dream come true, not just ours. We have respected that, and have kept in touch with them, letting them know how she is doing. I can't tell you what the best thing for you is. If it is letting go on this baby, that's all right. Perhaps you are just the holding place for her to find her forever family. And that's okay. The guilt is hard to live with, as is the pain. There is a grieving period to go through. It won't be easy. But if this is the decision that you want to make, then it is okay to make it. In a side note, our daughters first adoptive parents later went to India and adopted a beautiful baby girl. She is now the joy of their life. Our daughter though, will always be in their hearts and in their prayers, and I can't think of a better place for her. As for our daughter, well she does have some minor medical issues, but the transplants? Well, let's just say that it was a misdiagnosis. Her liver is fine. Her kidneys are improving all on their own, and along with our two adopted boys, she is the light of our lives. Our first daughter was with us for six months. I know that she is with her forever family now. And our daughter now, is with her forever family. God uses all of us. He has a special place for everyone. Good luck in whatever you decide to do. Our thoughts and prayers go out to you.
A Child Among Us
Does anyone have experience with this agency? I would appreciate any feedback.
LindsayVee@aol.com Adoption
I'm an adoptive mom of a beautiful 15 month old girl. We have an open adoption and got to see my daughter for the first time when she was 1 day old. I looked at her little face and knew at that moment she was the child of my heart. I had waited many years for a child and it was clear that she was worth ever minute of that wait. My life has changed alot in the last 15 months. She is such a joy and speads happiness where ever she goes. Next week her adoption will be final and I have been thinking about her birthmother alot this week. I don't see her birthmother alot but when I do I always tell her how grateful I am to her. My daughter is the most precious gift . I wish her birthmother a happy life and all the best luck in the world. When she decided to carry the pregnancy and make an adoption plan, that was the most loving thing she could do. To all the birthmothers, we the adoptive family's know how hard it is to not be able to have a child and you give us hope for the family's in our dreams. If anyone wants to e-mail me my address is : JTMAC1996@aol.com
korean adoption
I am looking for information on Korean adoptees psychological development when raised in a white American family. I have three chilren in adolesence and am searching for understanding and insights. Please send any resource information. Thanks - Pat Powell
jappowell@p3.net
Response:
The best sites for this information are:
Korean site
Article about Korean Adoption and Development
Building Bridges to Your Child's Culture
Anyone with information, please email and we'll post.
Designated Adoption within a family
My husband and I are in an unusual situation. My husband's first cousin is six months pregnant and giving her baby up for adoption. As we have been unable to conceive ourselves due to fertility problems, we are seriously considering adopting her baby. Unfortunately, neither the expectant mother nor ourselves know where to start, particularly since the baby will remain within the family. The situation is complicated by the fact that this would be an out-of-state adoption. We reside in California while the mother lives in Colorado. The baby is due in July, so we have limited time to figure this out.
Are the legal requirements the same for designated, family-member adoptions? What would be the most economical approach? Is a home study still required? Which state laws would take precedent in our case?
Any information you could provide would be extremely helpful.
lorid@axonet.com
Response:
Hi and thanks for your question. I am not an attorney and these are legal questions---but there are attorneys and agencies at our site who can help you. If you want to find one near where you live, you can check out our state-by-state listing. My understanding is that you need to have a home study, but since you already have a birthmother the cost of adopting should be less . You can either contact an agency or an attorney and tell them you are doing a "designated" adoption and inquire what their requirements are and what the costs are. Kinship Center has offices throughout California. They can do the whole thing for you from home study right through the whole process. There are also lots of attorneys. There are laws called interstate compact which govern how things are done. Make sure that whomever you choose knows about this.
Adoption in School Curriculum
My wife and I have two adopted sons, now 8 and 6. When the older one was in 2nd grade last year, part of the curriculum concerned the "family unit." This section of the curriculum did not take into consideration adoption or other forms of a "family unit" but included topics such as physical resemblence and other aspects more directly associated with a birth family unit with a typical birth mother and birth father doing the rearing. This led to some confusion from our son (he knows he is adopted) and generally we felt the approach was not appropriate. In turn, we wrote a letter to the principal conveying our concerns. The principal (who I believe is also an adoptive parent) was open to our concerns and responded by giving us the opportunity to review the present lesson plan for that part of the curriculum and to make suggested changes. By his response, it was clear that eliminating this portion of the curriculum all together was not an option. Now that we have opened up our big mouths we need something to suggest. This becomes very important not just because an adopted child might hear this in his/her class but all their friends will also hear this information about differing family groups, not just for adopted kids but step kids, kids raised by a single parent or by parents of the same sex. Is there any resources that can be used to develop a more all-emcompassing view of the family unit for a 2nd grader? Has anyone else come up against this and is there a lesson plan already in existance that I can use?
sllemvi@spp11.msmail.spe.sony.com
Response: Family trees
I went to an adoption workshop where it was suggested that a tree be used to represent birth and adoptive families in the child's life. The trunk of the tree is the child; the roots represent the birth family; and the branches signify their life with the adoptive family. The child should be involved in deciding who/what is named and should feel free to draw weather or nature related items on the drawing. Apparantly there is something like this already developed but I don't recall where it can be purchased. You and your child can create a 'tree' individualized just for him.
PMCLAN@aol.com
The Adoptee's Family Tree
This full-color poster (see the illustration above) has an illustration of a tree and spaces for the adoptee's birthfamily among the roots of the tree and spaces for the adoptee's adoptive family among the branches.
The poster costs $7.95 + $3.00 shipping and handling.
Does anyone have something to share on this?
Can an Open Adoption be too Open??
My husband and I, and our six year old biological son, are in the beginning stages of an Identified adoption of a brother and a sister who are school aged, and were previously adopted as infants by their great-grandmother (special needs). I say beginning stages because there has been no legal action yet, only the building of a relationship over the last five months. The g.grandmother wants to continue to have close contact with the children which will mean that she will have to relocate if this (interstate) adoption goes through. She desires to live nearby and basically be adopted by our family too ( Her own words). She does remark that the adoptive parents will take over complete responsibility for the children, only that she wants to remain their "Granny". We are able to accept her wishes for an open adoption, and feel that the children would benefit by having her remain in their lives as their "Granny". Our concern is over entitlement, and bonding. Can there be too much "openness" in an Open/Identified adoption? We are very desirous for this adoption to happen. Also, we don't want everything to meltdown due to "control issues" before the adoption procedure begins and eventually is finalized. We want to be understanding, and accomidating but not feel manipulated too. We've talked to an Adoption Counselor, and have read many books, have read newsgroup posts on Open /identified adoptions, and finally found this forum , (we've only been on the "net" for three weeks) . Perhaps there may someone out there that has been in a simular situation. We anticipate that we will be able to work through this with the g.grandmother. We think that it will take a little time and effort to "prove " if you will, that we are a wonderful choice for the loving, close-knit, home that she desires, and that we don't wish to push her out of the picture. Please respond if you can contribute any information. Thank You, Wendy H.
skyward@frognet.net :-)
Response:
I think you need to be very direct about what kind of involvement you will have. Ask yourself and her how she envisions the interaction. Will it be daily? Will she be over at your house all the time? Calling all the time? What would be OK with you. You need to be clear. We got in a situation with a birth family where the birth mom was calling several times/day and expecting us to talk for hours--at the time we had 3 adopted children under the age of 2 and needless to say, it was an impossible situation. It took several times of setting limits before we established a good ongoing relationship.
starting the adoption process
After a long battle of infertility, we have decided to adopt a child and are in the begining stages. We have been told that overseas adoption is the fastest and easiest path (less than 2 years waiting). I am very concerned about adopting a healthy infant. We have been told that many children have health problems. Any suggestions?
BGFSHINC@aol.com
Response:
I, too, have heard many stories of problems with international adoptions. Your best bet for getting a healthy infant is an independent adoption. check our main page for resources at
http://www.adopting.org/ar.html
The cost is usually the same for an independent adoption as for international and the time frame can be just as short--sometimes even shorter.
Getting started is not that difficult. To get started check out the following:
http://www.adopting.org/start.html
http://www.adopting.org/hstudy.html
For international adoption, check out the following:
http://www.adopting.org/internat.html
See the following note I just received.
Response: medical/nebtal disabilities in russian adoptees
Hi...We adopted two children from Russian almost 4 years ago. Yes, they wrote many things about our children that proved to be overstated or just plain wrong. In fact, one of them was encephal...you know. In any case, there are some very important questions to ask yourselves. How old is the child you are adopting? How long has he/she been in the orphanage? I would be more concerned about emotional and social behaviors and adjustments than medical. The physical can be fixed. The mental and emotional scars from being in an institution are enormous. It calls for devotion as a parent and a lot of dedication. Time to "revisit" the earlier years of infacy and "retrain" the neurons to connect in appropriate ways. I write a quarterly newsletter for parents who have adopted from eastern europe..I'd be happy to send you a complimentary copy(yearly subscription is $15) I would love to hear from you. Let me know what infor you can find out about your new child. Good luck and God Bless.
Nancy (NancyB2007@aol.com)
How Tell Natural Son of Adoption
We have a 5 year son and 3 year old son developmentally delayed....we want to adopt a third for many reasons including having a child who can talk to grow up with our five year old...We're trying to figure out the best way to tell the five year old....we don't want him to wonder why a mom is giving a child away or to worry that it could happen to him for example...our five year old is extremely bright but often not as verbal about what is bothering him as we would like...how do you suggest we approach the adoption with our five year old...also any articles or rouesces on this to read?
silpart@ix.netcom.com
Response:
Check out
Children's Answers to Adoption
DIALOGUES ABOUT ADOPTION: Conversations Between Parents and Their Children
by Linda Bothun
Using hundreds of true life vignettes, this book provides sample conversations covering every aspect of adoption. Each thematic chapter of the book is prefaced by a review of the developmental stages that affect most children, whether adopted or born into their families. (Paper, 216 pgs, 1994)
TALKING WITH YOUNG CHILDREN ABOUT ADOPTION
by Mary Watkins, Ph.D. and Susan Fisher, M.D.
Tells how to talk to your child aged 2-10 about adoption and explains how children understand adoption. Explains children's concerns and adoptive parents concerns and questions. (Paper, 257 pgs, 1993)
Open adoption insurance policies??
I am writing to you on behalf of friends who are just beginning the process of open adoption. They have met a young woman who wants them to adopt her baby (she is due in July). The young woman is not certain who the father is and has not yet decided what she is going to do about this. My friends are not wealthy, but have worked hard for several years now to save up enough money to adopt. They fear that if something goes wrong and they don't get the baby (but lose their money) it will be a long time before they can try again.
My friends are wondering if there is any sort of insurance policy you can purchase to protect them financially during this process. I would greatly appreciate any information you can give me.
JM.COLLINS@hosp.wisc.edu
Sibling Rights
We are in the process of adopting a 15 year old girl from the state of MO. We live in the state of Utah. She has two birth siblings that have been adopted in MO. Her birth siblings adopted mother tried adopting her as well, but it did not work out. This woman is making contact with our daughters' birth siblings very difficult. On a recent trip to MO to visit her siblings, our daughters' birth siblings' adoptive mother cancelled the visit at the last minute. What rights do siblings have to visit each other? It the adoptive mother cuts off contact, can my husband and I petition the court and force visitations?
Response:
This is a legal question. For an answer, you need to go to an attorney for MO and or Utah and see if there are any laws on this. You can call an attorney in family law, or check at the bottom of the page for these states at USA Adoption Resources. sibling contact
Hi, We have a child who has siblings,we had contact vists with them while we were the foster parents.We dont feel good about keeping the vists up.How can we let the birth family know how we feel. We have a close adoption. When would be the best age for the child to look up their siblings. As our past vists went they didnt show much interst,but they do contact once a month.There is alot of abuse in the birth family,also their golds and vaules are very different. They are very poor and we do not feel good about the areas were we meet. The birth parents rights were taken away by the state.The only info. they have is our first name and phone #. We feel that we can not trust the siblings and other birth family members.We have thought just changeing our #, If you can help in any way ,please answer our letter.
If anyone has thoughts or experience, send us email and we'll post!
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