ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM
ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM Support Forum (continued)Back to Adopt: Assistance Information Support IndexJune 1997
Cambodia Adoption
I am adopting a baby (healthy) from Cambodia. Could you tell me:
(1) are there any tax credits or deductions for this adoption?
(2) do you have any advice regarding dealing with Cambodia and making travel arrangements?
Jane
Jvsaloha@aol.com
Response:
...Yes, check out the following: Tax Information and How should I prepare to travel abroad?
What you should take when traveling abroad will depend on the country (climate and season), the length of your stay, and the particulars of the child you will adopt (age, health, etc.). In countries with limited resources, it is advisable to bring supplies from the United States. In most countries disposable diapers and disposable bottles are unavailable or very expensive. A good travel agent should be able to provide information about the availability of products and services in a country. Alternatively, you might request information from the foreign embassy or consulate of the country to which you plan to travel. The foreign country's holidays can also affect court dates, office workdays, and the country's embassy or consulate can also provide you with this information.
Q: Is it safe to travel to . . . ?
A: The U.S. Department of State, Office of American Citizens Services and Crisis Management (ACS) issues Public Announcements and Travel Warnings for particular countries and Consular Information Sheets for all countries. (See Appendix C, Section I) For assistance from ACS, call 202-647-5225. You may also wish to register with the U.S. embassy or consulate in the foreign country where you plan to adopt.
Q: How should I approach the adoption process abroad?
A: Adoption can be an emotionally stressful process, particularly while facing the additional challenges of adjusting to another culture. Gathering information on the culture of the country prior to travel and even setting aside time for sight-seeing can reduce stress and make the experience more positive. It will also provide invaluable information and experiences to relate to your child in later years. If you become ill, the U.S. embassy or consulate can provide you with a list of local attorneys and hospitals to assist if necessary.
Q: How should I obtain multiple copies of foreign documents?
A: Before you depart the country with your child you should be sure to obtain several duplicate certified/authenticated copies of your child's foreign birth certificate, adoption decree and any other relevant documents. Often these documents are necessary at home and it can be difficult to obtain copies from the foreign government later.
Q: How can I obtain information concerning attorneys, interpreters or translators in a foreign country?
A: U.S. embassies and consulates maintain lists of English-speaking foreign attorneys and have information about interpreters and translators and can refer you to other sources. Copies of lists of attorneys are also available from the U.S. Department of State's Office of American Citizens Services and Crisis Management.
Also, see:http://www.adopting.org/Adoption_Travel.html
Older adoptive parents
I am hoping someone out there can share their experience with me and help us through this very difficult time. For years we have talked about adoption. We have a 17 year old biological daughter, and have been unable to have a second child. For over seven years, we have been on the adoption track with discouraging results. We have wanted a little girl, preferably 2-4 years old. Last year, out of desperation, we agreed to consider a 6 1/2 year old boy, took him for weekend visits, and finally decided he was not right for us - he was too old and not the "baby" we had always wanted.
Now we are ready to embark on an international adoption journey - our home visits are about to begin, and we are both experiencing anxiety which is difficult to articulate. We are both older parents (47 and 60), in good health, and very happy together. Our lives have become much freer because of the age and independence of our daughter. We very much want another child to love and raise, but we have nagging feelings of uncertainty.
We talk about how this will change our current life drastically, but I don't think we know what that really means. Of course, we know that we won't be sleeping late on weekends, or taking off for an afternoon trip or quiet lunches on our own. We won't be able to vary dinner hours, eat on the run, have the relaxed lifestyle one has with an older child. We'll have "little" worries as well as the "bigger" worries a teenager poses - like childhood sickness, choosing the right child care, friends, school, etc. And of course, the uncertainly about what the child will be like and how long it will take for bonding to happen among all of us.
Will we be good parents at our ages? We were very active, involved parents with our daughter - we are both still active in our community and jobs. Will we ever feel like we have taken on too much? Will our new child grow to love us?
And if we decide to forego this adoption, I worry that one day, years down the road, I will regret the decision for the rest of my life. I have always wanted two children - Mothering and nurturing my daughter has been the most joyful aspect of my life, and the most fulfilling. But does one take another child to feel fulfilled, or am I off track? I am an analytical person by nature - when given facts I can always find a suitable answer. I admit that I am totally confused about these feelings.
Is there anyone who can relate to this and shed some light?
sbaron@highway1.com
Response to Older parents adopting
Yes, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, but not all. I have been having these same feelings of anxiety. There are differences, however. You and your husband had a child of your own so you have experienced birth and raising your own. My husband and I have never. I grieve over this often. You are 47 and your husband 60. I am 39, my husband 38.
Yes, I too worry about the lifestyle changes but I often wonder about all that we will get in return. I worry about bonding. If we do not adopt an infant, will the child ever really adjust to us being his/her parents? A bigger fear, will I be able to feel what I am looking for in motherhood? This is a big question to me because my husband prefers an older child. I feel the need to nurture a baby.
I read a response you received from another person. He/she commented on your ages and wondered if this was fair for the child. I think this is a very valid argument but what do we do about the heartache? I am younger but deal with health problems. Although, I am doing very well and work fulltime, I get tired and deal with bad days. What will I do when my child really needs me and I'm ready to drop? In this way, I worry about my age, not in the literal sense, but in how old I sometimes feel.
The adoption process itself bothers me. I feel anger for what people like us have to go through because we cannot/should not have our own. I have taught elementary school and have seen what neglect and poor parenting can do to a child. So how can someone like me and my husband be denied such a joyful experience when so many others do it without much thought?
Do I understand what you feel? Yes. Do I have answers? No. I wonder if you have considered foster care and if that's even a possible option for you. Also, it may be years yet and there are no guarantees, but what about when you actually do have grandchildren. What a special experience that can be for you too! Just some things to think about.
Bless you. I hope you find your way and one that is best for all involved. You are the best judge and there will always be critics, no matter what direction you head. Denise
JDJL40503@aol.com
Response to Older parents adopting
We are older parents who have adopted and can give you first hand accounts of what it is like to do this at an older age. I am 49 (today is my birthday) and my husband just turned 59. We have two adopted children, age 3 and 2 1/2. It is a very long story about how we ended up with two just 6 months apart.
The challenge that we have faced is that we have two, not just one child, which would be difficult for people even in their 20's. But somehow we have risen to the challenge. I too thought about abandoning the idea of adoption because of our ages. We had tried to get pregnant from the time I was 40. But somehow I knew that I would never get over the grieving if we did not do it.
Our friends were split in their support - some thought we were crazy, others felt that we should go for it because we would make wonderful parents. There is not a day that goes by that I thank God that we have adopted.
But the challenges are there. Things are somewhat easier now, but I have had many days of exhaustion. And giving up my career, not knowing if I could re-enter the work force later has been difficult. We have also had compouding issues because my husband was forced into early retirement.
We sometimes miss the notion that we will not have the type of retirement we had thought about - maybe a condo in Florida with a boat. But we consider our lives so much more enriched and now think that our children will benefit from our retirement while they are still in school. In some ways I think we are lucky that we will be able to attend games, recitals and so many other activities that working parents cannot do.
Only occasionally have we been asked if we are the grandparents. Although I am the oldest mother in my playgroups, it does not seem to make a difference. The other mothers and I have so much in common- our children!! And, yes, we do sometimes miss the fact that we are now in a different mode than our peer group, but I don't miss the freedom. I have many years enjoying freedom, and I think that this has helped me to enjoy our children so much more.
So, I would say that adopting at an older age is fine. There are many children who need nurturing, loving parents. But be aware that you should think carefully about their financial future, and be sure to ask close friends or family to become guardians if something should happen to both of you.
I am sorry that my children will not have us in their lives when they are older, like in their 40's or 50's, but many people lose a parent before then Who can say what will happen? And these children know that they are very loved.
Feel free to e-mail me with a response.
Jeanne Ledden
103037.1313@compuserve.com
Response received
reply to "older parents"
I think that if a couple of your ages adopts (and I wonder what agency would not be concerned about your ages), it will be much like grandparents bringing up a grandchild. I have seen situations where this happens and where there are many problems and issues that result from the wide difference in ages. If you get a two year old now, you (the father) will be 73 years old when she is 15. Are you sure you want to deal with teenage issues at that point in your life? Is it fair to a child to be worried about the problems of elderly parents when she should be launching herself into her own adult life? Maybe it is, but we would think long and hard before we undertook adoption at your ages.
Concern for biological son's feelings about adopting siblings.
Thank you so much for this Forum. I've gleaned much information and insight from it and don't feel that I am alone in my concerns about adoption. I have written before about my questions over an Open Adoption, and felt that the reply sent back was very good. Here's my next concern; My family is in the process of an Open, Identified Adoption, and I'm not sure how to best handle our son's mixed emotions. My husband and I and our 6yr old biological son will be hosting our prospective birth family next month for a one week stay at our home. We are not located very close to one another and feel that this was the best way to spend some quality time getting to know each other even better than we already do. My husband and I are prepared for this meeting and look forward to it, and I believe that my son does too, -but I'm noticing that he is anxious, and worries about the "unknown". He will talk about his feelings to us, and we are careful to make him a part of this decision to adopt. He knows that our love for him will not change toward him, but that our love can "stretch" enough to let us love others also. Is there something that can be added here to help him feel more comfortable in the few weeks before the visit, during the visit, and after the visit occurs that will help him not feel in competition, and therefore not behave as the lovable, sensitive, humorous child we know and wish for the birthfamily to see? And for the well-being for our son.
skyward@frognet.net
"You're not my real mom"
My question involves our 9 year son whom we adopted at birth. Several times in the past months he has said things like" I don't have to obey you-your not my real mother'- we have always been open with him and answered his questions and listened to any feelings he has about adoption. How should I as his mother answer him when he says this ? It never seems to be directed toward his dad--your not my real dad---but toward me as his mom.Any help would be appreciated.
VHFUHFRW@aol.com
Response to 9 year old yeller 6 Jun 97
In response to the mother of the 9 year old who states "you're not my mother". That's pretty typical of the age- doesn't make it anymore pleasant for you- but you're not alone. Having been where your son is now, and probably having made the same hurtful statement, know that this will pass. In part he is going through the typical 9 year old (and up) phase of trying to seperate from you, assert his independence, and test your every ounce of love for him. When he makes these statements it's not because he wants you to know he doesn't love you- it's to be sure that you love him enough to set him straight. (and with Dad, sometimes kids are afraid that it less acceptable and dad might decide he's going to just let go- not a reality but a real fear for children whose primary nurturer has been mom).
It's okay to tell him that you're not his birth mom but you are his mother who has raised him for 9 years and you will always be his mother. You might want to (in a calm moment) discuss his feelings about his birth mother- does he feel abandoned and fear that you too might abandon him, and this "you're not my mother" facade is just a shield from being hurt by you.
There's some great books out there that go over adoption stages and develomental implications. REAL PARENTS, REAL CHILDREN: Parenting the Adopted Child
As an adoptive parent and adoptive child I look back on the things I said to my mother and cringe, and am amazed that she still wants to claim me as her daughter. I look ahead to my children and take a deep breath knowing what may be coming my way.
Pen
bnewell@mailer.fsu.edu
Adoption
My wife and I are currently filling out all the paperwork for adoption. We have been through several years of infertility treatment with no luck up until last summer when we found out we were expecting twins. Two months later, she lost them when we found out they were in the tube and had to be removed via emergency surgery. We were absolutely devestated!!! There is no loss like the loss of a child you have hoped for and prayed for so long. Now we hope to adopt from Guatemala in the next year or two. My problem is our parents are not very supportive of a foreign child "in the family." Any ideas on how to warm-up our family to this idea would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance!!
ststephe@mindspring.com
Response:
Ectopic pregnancy/miscarriage
I have lost 5 babies in the past 3 years. I am able to get pregnant but I have a hard time keeping the pregnancy. I lost identical twins the first pregnancy. I got pregnant right after and lost a single. I went to a fertility specialist and have had 2 ectopic pregnancies since. I also had 2 surgeries. Both of my fallopian tubes have been damaged now. It has just been bad luck.. There was nothing wrong eith my tubes. I understand your frustration. I am only 29 years old.
JimPetro@aol.com
Responses:
Negative Reactions To Adoption Quest 9 Jun 97
I was very surprised that when my husband and I began telling people that we planned to adopt a child that they were not always supportive. With family and close friends you get the fear factor. I suggest avoiding the subject completely with those that are not completely supportive. They will more than likely come around when you get the child. You may even want to consider not telling anyone else at all or discussing your adoption until you get the child then spring it on everyone as a wonderful surprise. That is how we have decided to handle our second adoption. We have mentioned it to a few people but do not bring it up often. Good luck!
heidok@ionet.net
reply to "foreign child in the family" letter 6 Jun 97
To the couple who are concerned about their families reaction to a "foreign child" in the family"--- We adopted the first of our six children from Korea in the early 1970's. I was worried about how my very conservative parents would react. I think they were skeptical about what we were doing until they met our newly arrived son. Once they saw him and spend an afternoon with him (3 years old at the time), they thought he was the most wonderful child in the world (he was!). They showered all our children love and attention----and lots of material items. They bragged constantly about their grandchildren. (My sister said our kids got more attention than her children did.) My parents died in the mid 1980's but our children (now grown) miss them still and treasure their memories of times together. At the time we first adopted, my grandmother was in her 90's and I was afraid she would be upset but she thought that international adoption was terrific and was glad that we were going that route as opposed to domestic route! (I think it did help to give our first son her maiden name, also my father's middle name, as a middle name.
I suspect your family will come around, given time and their desire to see you happy. But if not, you need to do what is right for you. Do you have a supportive sibling or other family member that can listen to you as well as talk up what an exciting event adoption is.
I hope your adoption brings you as much joy as our adoptions have given us.
Betsy Haas
http://www.netaxs.com/~melhaas
mailto:betsyhaas@monmouth.com
Book List 30 May 97
I am a 27 yr old adoptee who was recently "found" by my birthmother and am interested in book titles that are about reunions and searches from both the adoptees and birthmothers point of view. I am also interested in anything that can be recommended for adoptive parents to read as well. Thank You.Jazzer0295@aol.com
Response:
Check out the books near the bottom of the page.
ADOPTION IN THE US BY FOREIGNERS 29 May 97
i THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE USEFUL TO TELL YOU ABOUT A PRESS RELEASE BY THE State Dept which clarifies the laws regarding foreigners in the US who want to adopt internationally. The web address is- http://travel.state.gov/ir_petitions.html I am interested in hooking up with peolpe (especially other "resident aliens") and/or organsiations who would be interested in lobbying for change .
KNOTHEC.@EROLS.COM
birth parents' rights 29 May 97
what are the rights of the birth parents today?
Response:
The laws vary from state to state, but, in general, the birth parent has a right to choose parents for their child, the right to have counseling to explore every avenue from parenting the child herself to adoption, the right to legal council, the right to have medical expenses paid for by the adopting couple, the right to have living expenses paid for the last couple of months of the pregnancy. The birth parent has a certain amount of time to change her mind regarding adoption after the birth. For your particular state, check with an agency or adoption attorney.
adoption subsity guidelines 29 May 97
I am writing in hope that you can answer a question for me. Is the special needs subsity allowed to be used as taxable income for housing purposes? For instance, in the county in which I live, they are taking into consideration my adoption subsity, (for 2 of the 5 children I have adopted) and using it as income. I alway thought that Adoption Subsity was not counted as income according to Federal guidelines. If you can add insite to this I would greatly appreciate it. Debbie
dhicks@mail.brigadoon.com
Response:
I talked with Graham Wright from Future Families who is familiar with this. He states that subsidies are *not* taxable, but can be counted in certain programs as income.
adopting the older child 28 May 97
My husband and I have begun the adoption process thru our state Dept of Child/Families. Because of our ages (me 34, he 62) we have decided to adopt and older child (age 8+). Our homestudy is being written now, and we feel quite confident that we will be liscensed for adoption. We would really like to find other families who have adopted older children. In our case we are willing to assume no legal risk, and are looking for a heathly child. We would like to communicate with a family who may have had similar experience to what we will when we adopt. We would like to discuss such things as the effects of abuse (if there was any), attachment issues, school, social, any input that an experienced adoptive family may have... thank you. Please feel free to email us directly at deafcat@juno.com
Response:
Check also the following:
Graham Wright and discussion on older adoption.
adoption question 28 May 97
I looked over the Forum letters and really didn't see my question addressed. My husband and I are considering adoption and have completed the adoption class for our state. The next step is the home study. We are at the" truly thinking this out" stage and I have found that most of all our friends and family are against this idea. Their reasoning being "why do this to yourself" and "you will only bring trouble to yourselves". This attitude has greatly surprised me and wonder if others have experienced this.... and what to say to these people... Thanks for any input. Sneely2770@aol.com.
Can anyone help with this?
Adopting from Nepal 27 May 97
We are a Danish couple, adopting a little boy from Nepal. We already have a 5 year old girl from Sri Lanka. We expect to go to Nepal within the next 6 months, and would like to hear from people who have brought older children with them to such far away places. What should we bring for our daughter - and for her new brother - in terms of medicine, food etc. We do not wish to leave our daughter at home, while we go and get "another" child, and we would like to make sure the experience of going to Nepal will be a good one for both her and us.
If anyone has any other information about Nepal that could be of use for us, this would be appreciated as well.
moa@busieco.ou.dk
Can anyone help with this?
Open adoption and biracial 27 May 97
Do you have any idea of where you can adopt and have total openess and also the possibilities of the child being bi-racial...what agencies deal mostly with the above?? thanks alot DEB
adopt426@alltel.net
Response:
Probably your best chances for the above are to:
1. Go to your local county adoption agency. Their phone numbers are in the government pages of your phone directory. Also, if you are in NY, Texas, Florida...they have waiting children online.
2. For independent adoption, try attorneys who do open adoptions: eg, Linda Nunez; Nanci Worcester
3. Also see adoption facilitators on our main page who frequently have biracial placements.
adoption assistance and newsletters
We are trying to adopt a second child. Do you know of any newsletters available for adoptive parents? Do you know of any financial help for adoptive parents, besides the subsidies for special needs children?
angross@together.net
Response:
See Roots and Wings Adoption Magazine. For financial help, check the FAQ.
A guide/rating system of adoption agencies/lawyers for birth parents 27 May 97
I am specifically looking for an independent guide/rating service. Something that rates the birth parents' experience with specific adoption agencies/lawyers. Your site appears to have related information, but not a comprehensive, standardized rating system. Are you aware of such a publication or site?
tawright@wrightmark.com
Response:
Yes, there is an excellent site at
The Adoption Agency Guide Site
Homestudy in Indiana
How can I find out if Indiana requires the homestudy to be done by an agency, or is it legal to have a homestudy done by an independent board certified social worker???
jsnewsom@skyenet.net
Response:
I called Catholic Charities in Indiana and they report it must be done by a licensed agency.
Can We Adopt? 27 May 97
My fiance and i have decided to adopt.I am 24 and he is 46 will thier be a problem with our age difference?Also how do we get started.I dont even know where to begin.We live in texas.
kailua@swbell.net
Response:
Your best bet would probably be to do an independent or international adoption. Most of the agency adoptions require you be married for a couple of years...or at least in a stable relationship for that long. To get started, check out our main index page under How do I Get Started.
how do you pick the right agency? 27 May 97
We have just started researching adoption. We want to adopt an infant, or a sibling group where the oldest child is two or under. There is such a wealth of information that it is so confusing about where to start, how to pick the right agency, and how much to prepare to spend all together.
eeseagle@aol.com
Response:
Check out the discussion in our support forum.
Also, see the Adoption Agency site.
Any info about canada??
kenk@greenpine.com
kenk@escape.ca
Response:
See the links for Canada in our FAQ page.
Numbers 27 May 97
I am doing research on adoption and have been looking for the numer of children that are up for adoption in the United States.
lambo@midohio.net
Response:
Your best source of information on number of kids adopted is the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse. If this is not the numbers you want, email them at naic@calib.com.
criminal records 27 May 97
I would like to hear about other couples who were able to adopt when one of the two had a prior felony conviction that resulted in some prison time. Is it possible????
connelly@alltel.net
Response:
Check out the information on our FAQ.
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