ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM
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ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM
Support Forum (continued)
July 1997
International Adoption - Korea I am 35, my husband is 43. I have an 11 year old from a previous relationship. We have been unable to have children during the past 2 years. We would like to adopt an infant,hopefully from Korea, but is my husband's age a barrier?
MVogt22459@aol.com
Response:
Check out the Korea Regulations. Looks like you are OK.
International adoption I am a 23 year old single woman who has just returned from Kenya after a year long stay . During my stay I grew very close to a family that had a 2 year old bi-racial daughter that the family was interested in giving up for adoption because of their difficulties in providing adequate financial and emotional support . I am financially independent and secure and was wondering if anyone had any advice as to the best way to approach the adoption process . I realize my age and marital status does not make me the ideal candidate for adoption , yet the family involved and I have given the situation a year of thought and feel it is time to move forward with the adoption process if possible. I can be reached at the following email address
s0srcamp@atlas.vcu.edu
Response:
Many single people adopt so it it perfectily normal...Check out the following resources
Adopting a child into existing family My familty is considering adoption. My husband and I have three wonderful boys 11, 8 and 2. we'd like a girl to finish our family under age 8. Id like to speak to other parents who have added an adopted child to their existing family AND my 11 year old would like to talk to children who have adopted siblings to find out how the dynamics work. I haven't been able to find a forum where this is discussed. Any help would be appreciated. ALSO, we homeschool our children. I'd like to know if there are forseeable problems associated with this. Thank you. Laura Brown McKenzie
laurabrownmckenzie@worldnet.att.net
travel in the USA Some time ago I found a site on line that advertised special rates for air flights within the USA for adoption. I have not be able to locate it again. Do you know of any travel agency etc that offers special rates. The one I had found was from Florida.
MABHER@aol.com
Anyone with info? Email and we'll post.
Stepparent Adoption/Interview Process I am in the process of adopting my three stepchildren and we are about to have our first interview next week with the Calif. state social worker. We are all a little nervous about it all and would like some detailed information on the process. What actually takes place, what do they ask of the children? Please help and provide lots of feedback asap!! Thank you!
carolwatson@earthlink.net
Response:
I will forward this on to our expert in California adoption.
Anyone with info? Email and we'll post.
Military I have a question on adoption and being in the military. I read your page about adoption in the military it was a very big help. My wife is unable to have a baby, which does not bother us, because of so many kids to adopt. The problem is that we did not know that it was so expensive. In the letter that you have about the military it states that they will help you with $2000. How can I find out about this?
Response:
Check out
http://www.dtic.dla.mil/adm/direct_instruct.html
I found some additional information you might want to pass on to any and all military personnel interested in adoption. There is a DoD directive which will reimburse military personnel up to $2,000 in adoption related expenses. The web site referenced above will take you to a DoD directive locator. Type in "Adoption" and submit the query. It will come up with the appropriate DoD Instruction. The DoD Instruction reference number is DODI-1341.9, dated 29 July 93.
Check out the following military information.You can go to your base personnel to find out about it. Also, there is help through the county fost-adopt programs.
JKTBRE@AOL.Com
Considering Adoption for my Child I'm considering adoption for my child. He/she is expected to arrive in early December. I'm already a mom and fully aware of the tribulations of a single parent. I'm not sure that I can go through with adoption but I would be interested in hearing more about/from prospective families. I don't want to mislead anyone, I just want to be sure I end up making the right decision.Can anyone help?
Julie
JLove18400@aol.com
Response:
Julie, I am forwarding your message on to our Birthmother Expert. In the meantime, check out the Crisis Pregnancy Center near your home. They have free counseling. Also, check out the articles and books on our Birthfamily Pages as well as our Waiting Parents pages.
Adoption,& Searching My name is Anna,and I was "Adopted".I'm 29 years of age.And just recently found my "Birth-Mother".We haven't actually met.We just been writting.And she phoined me once.However we do plan on meeting after she return's from a business trip. I look very forward to that day coming.There are just so many different thing's that I could say to people out there who are planning to adopt achild.But I won't bore you all.The one thing that I must stress to all those who do plan to adopt....You have to know in your Heart and your mind that you can Unconditionally Love this child,Forever.Never treat them as though they are any different than your biological children.Adopt a child for the love that you can give and the love that you will recieve back from them will be the most phenominal thing you ever experienced in yourlife.I was adopted as an infant actually my parent's adopted 3 of us.And also decided to have 3 of there own.From the time that my mother had her own children,to this very day she has alway's made me feel as though I was "Adopted".Not allowing to play with "her" kid's,not allowing me to attend any family function's with them.I can still remember the time that the entire family all loaded up in the sation wagon to go to Disneyland,and me sitting on the side of the curb,crying as my mother locked up the house and just got into the car as though I didn't even exsist.Watching them all drive away still stay's so vivid in my mind.I still cry about that. So please,Be sure that you have enough love to go around for all the children,in your family.And let them know and feel how special they all are to you.Thanks for your time,Anna (no email given)
adopted childs right to know I am the adoptive parent of 2 wonderful children. One has birth parents who have HIV/AIDS and I have been able, for that reason, to get the State Agency to assist me with obtaining birth family photos (since my assumption is that in 15 years the one remaining birth parent will not be alive for my child to search out). Is it necessary for the parents to have a life threatening illness for us to obtain pictures of birth parents (adopted through a State C&F program after in-voluntary termination of parental rights)? Is it possible that we could seek the birth parents out ourselves? What are their (the birth parents) rights in this situation? I don't want to violate their rights anymore than I want my child's/family's rights to be violated.
Penny
bnewell@mailer.fsu.edu
Response:
This is a legal question and I am not an attorney, but you can go to our state-by-state resources and click on Florida and the attorneys are at the bottom of the list...also, you might call any of the agencies on the list who are near your home...they should also know.
Post adoption support I have two boys that are adopted and with special needs, Chris is 13 and from Romania, He has attachment disorder and does not socialize well. He can be charming one minute and then act like He hates everyone the next. When He was adopted and brought here from Romania at the age of 6 the first set of adoptive parents decided to give Chris up after 1 1/2 years. He then went into foster care for 4 months and was then placed in a home for adoption, Which failed as a result of the siblings not accepting him. He then was placed in another home for adoption for 1 1/2 years that failed because of His behavior and because of a terminal illness in the adoptive family. He then was placed with Us because We were the foster parents that He stayed with the four months He was in care and He seemed to responde to Us and had expressed the want to stay here. He was 10 when He was placed with us for adoption and so along with the attachment disorder He is a very angry and rejected boy. I hope that there is some help for us, Is there some kind of therapy that can help? Counseling has done no good so far. My other son is Tyler 6, He was born 3 months premature from a birth mother that drank alcohol when pregnant, I think that He has alcohol syndrom and would like to know what steps I need to take to find out for sure, He is a very bright child but has failed His first year of kindergarten. He does'nt seem to have short term memory and has failed to recognize things that have been repeatedly taught to him even on a one on one basis. Yet He has an excellent memory when it comes to Our vacation 1 1/2 years ago, Or something someone said years ago or did that He thought was funny. I live in a small town and there is just no support for children like mine. Any help would be greatly appreciated...
ponygirl@okeechobee.com
Response:
Check out the following for resources.
adoption agency Has anyone been involved with Adoption by Choice, an adoption agency located in Tampa, Florida. Any feedback on your experience (good or bad) would be appreciated. Thanks.
MaxW8@aol.com
Help! Contested Adoption Help! After 7 long years of infertility and trying to adopt, my husband and I finally have a beautiful, healthy 8 week old baby. Unfortunately, our birthmother has only now changed her mind and decided to try to rescind her relinquishment. We have had our son since birth. We have hired Merril Walling Mallard to try to mediate for us, and we have been forced to hire a "contested adoption attorney" to help us prepare for what may be a painful legal battle. We are hurt and afraid. We do not believe in our hearts that this birthmother wants to parent this child, but rather, is reacting to grief and the pressures put on her by her family. Anyone have any suggestions for us?
ESchr24012@aol.com
Birthparents are Wonderful!!! I just wanted to say that without birthparents who so lovingly and thoughtfully make an adoption plan for their child -- couples like us who can't have children of our own but desire to be parents wouldn't know the joy it is to have a family.
I believe in open adoption and feel that adoptive parents should really put themselves in the shoes of the birthparents. They are providing the most loving choice for their children, that us as adoptive parents will never reach!!! HOORAY for birthparents!!!
By the way, we adopted our son over a year ago and he is such a joy. Although our birthparents lost contact with us, we think about them all the time -- hope they are ok and that they still feel comfortable with their choice they made when they chose us to be the parents of their son. We love our son so much and actually are in the beginning process of wanting to adopt our second child.
ZAMX97B@prodigy.com
Wanting to Start a Second Family...dealing with friends and family My husband, 43 and myself, 39, are currently going through the homestudy process. We have two biological children, a girl 19 and a boy 20. We have always wanted more children, but not "naturally." We want to adopt an older child or sibling group. We know that there are difficulties with this age group and that it won't be easy. However, we feel it will be rewarding in the end. How do we respond to friends and family who think we are crazy? I am concerned that when the rough times come, my friends and family will not provide the support my husband and I will need. We don't want to hear, "I told you so." Our friends and family know of our love for children, but feel we should be looking forward to "retirement" and grandparenting. We know of no one else in our "circle" who has ever done this sort of thing before. Can you advise of a support group, etc.
rtrask@lr.net
Anyone with suggestions, please email and we'll post.
Response: lack of support from friends and family
Contact Adoptive Families of America, (they have a website) for a couple of great books on this. Lois Melina has also addressed this in her books and newsletter, "Adopted Child".
Often this response comes from concern for your happiness and/or lack of understanding of the adoption process. It also reflects our societies focus on "blood ties" and the belief that "blood will tell". First there can only be real love between parents and children connected by birth. Secondly, that the adopted child is available due to some fault in the birthparents that is sure to show up in the child.
Ridiculous as these may be, they are very strong in our cultural mindset, (including those of many adoptive parents!)and hard to root out. Of course, most non-supporters will come around when they meet the child, but the concerns may surface again whenever times get tough - as they do with all families!!!
Also, remember that family members, esp. your parents, are grieving the loss of the grandchild you will not give birth to. You have already faced this but they have not. Parents also often feel responsible for their childrens unhappiness, even adult children, even when they no they had nothing to do with it - it's part of the parenting territory!
Taking time to discuss their concerns will help them feel you've really thought through your plans and they will likely come around. However, realize that occasionally opposition will remain forever - are you prepared to deal with this if necessary? The above-mentioned books will help you consider these concerns. Also, you will always find some folks who question or disapprove of adoption, especially if the child is older, from a different race/culture or has special needs. This is just part of the territory! A local support group is an invaluable resource at all phases of adoption. A good adoption agency will point you in the right direction.
energyoutlet@continet.com
Birthmother Resumes We are requesting guidance in writing "form letters or resumes" to unnamed to birth mothers. We have reviewed several, which are usually polite, informative and, sometimes, gushy in content. Some of them present photographs and other visual delights. What is the right approach? The language? How many photographs?
Wendee and Ivan Cutler
cootee@mci2000.com
Response:
I don't think there is any "right" approach....other than that the letter represent YOU...so whatever it is about you as people and you as a couple which is most important and most revealing .... being true and honest to who you are will appeal to someone of similar likes and dislikes. Good luck with your search!!!
Advice needed My husband and I have been talking about adoption off and on for about 3 years now. I have been advised against having a child of my own because of some kidney damage I have sustained. The doctors are afraid of what pregnancy can do to my health. My husband absolutely refuses to try if my health could be further jeopardized.
My problem - I have feelings of anger over the adoption process and the possibly cost of it all. I have a lot of fears of what I will have to go through to bring a child into our home and I am still grieving over not having my own. This was a heartbreak for me.
I would be willing to wait as I believe my husband would also but we are both almost 40 and running out of good years for having a young child in our home. I am feeling the pressure to do this now because, if I don't, I may never and regret it later. I know I do not have the best attitude yet. What can I do to help me get over this and move forward? What am I so afraid of?
By the way, another slight conflict - my husband wants us to adopt an older child, 4 years or greater. I really feel the need for a baby and am concerned that an older child will not be the answer. I do not want to adopt because of my needs but more for the childs'. Unfortunately, I am feeling some depression over this whole thing and do not know what direction to go into.
Anyone's thoughts or stories on similar feelings would be appreciated. Thanks.
Denise
JDJL40503@aol.com
Hitting Problem We recently (3 months ago) adopted a 2 and a half year old boy. This boy was abandoned by his mother at 9 months old, and the child spent time in hospital, by neighbours and relatives and in foster homes until we adopted him. He has bonded very well into our family, and seems happy to settle down with us, but when he is tired or not getting our attention he will hit, bite scratch or kick us. We do not hit back, but tell him it is not nice, that it hurts mummy and daddy, and that he has to "follow the rules". He knows the rules very well, "no hitting, no kicking, no biting, no scratching." and will repeat them many times, but still does not follow them. Sometimes we put him in his room for a few minutes. If we tell him "no hitting" then distract him by talking about something he likes it sometimes works. At other times telling him "no hitting" only makes him hit harder. Can you help us with strategies to stop him hitting?
johnh@trinidad.net
Egg Donation vs. Adoption Hi. In response to your question about egg donation vs. adoption, we are opting to adopt. I was recently diagnosed with premature monopause ( I am 26) and we were told that the above were our two choices. Egg donation involved many painful, embarrassing, and risky procedures, cost $12,000 and is 80% effective in the clinic we visited. We don't have a lot of money and decided that it would be wiser to spend that amount on a 100% outcome. In adoption, we wouldn't have to pay until we actually had the baby. Also, compared to test tubes and Pitri dishes, adoption seemed the most natural way for us to have a baby.
After discussing this for weeks, we have decided to go the county way, and adopt a sibling group or a child with special needs. This is inexpensive, quick, and seems to be the most desireable way to go. Good luck. flanman@primenet.com
interracial and/or transracial adoptions I am conducting research about people's opinions on interracial adoptions for The University of Memphis. I f anyone has any comments about this topic, please feel free to e-mail me at "gtin@cc.memphis.edu" by Tues. July 1, 1997.
Mexican-American Baby My husband and I are interested in adopting a healthy newborn mexican-american baby. We are both of mexican-american decent. Are there any agencies/organizations that might be more apt to place mexican-american babies? Thank you.
joebarba@ix.netcom.com
Response:
Try emailing to an adoption attorney in Mexico or check out your local county adoption agency. See the Waiting Children.
Homestudy I was invoiced by my adoption agency for a home study fee of approx. $1,500. I sent that payment 5/5/97 and haven't yet been scheduled for the home study. Is this a normal timeframe to wait and how much longer should I wait before it would be considered lax by the agency?
bhouse@furst.com
Response:
You need to check with your agency regarding their procedures. Ask them what to expect, what the exact costs will be, and what is the timeframe...my guess is once you've been accepted, the homestudy should start within 6 months, but there are some agencies who are back-logged or who do not start until right before they expect you to adopt...because they are usually only good for a certain amount of time.
ADOPTION I have a question about the placement fee, I was told by my social worker that the whole amount of the adoption would be approx $1500 for the home study and now I am being told there is a placement fee also of $1500 and 6 visits @ $200 each. She said some of it can be waived if nessessary but why didn't she tell us about the placement fee when we began the process?? We are adopting an interracial infant and we have just completed the home study and we are waiting for the social worker to complete her paperwork. She also said that if another agency has a child that is suited for us we dont have to pay the placement fee to them but would we have to pay it to the other agency?? Another question is what web sites would have photo listings of interracial infants?
SSMITH9648@AOL.COM
Response:
With any agency, you should have some kind outline of the process and the fees up front, before you contract with them. If you do not, request them now...
For waiting children you can check on our site. We have several states online already and more coming.
Stepparent Adoption I have a question regarding adoption of my wife's 8-year old daughter from a previous marriage. I also have a question regarding the abandonment laws. I need info about how long the time limit is to be considered abandoment and the legal definition of abandonment.
SeanDonovan@GoPlay.com
Response:
The laws vary from state to state for stepparent adoption. See the following:
http://www.adopting.org/support.html#stepparent
You need to check with an attorney to find the laws for your state. and look near the bottom for a list of attorneys.
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