ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM

Currently 0/5 Stars.

You may use the stars on the left to rate and leave feedback for the current article. No registration is required. Waiting for 5 votes

Please note, this page is no longer being maintained and may contain old or inaccurate information. Visit the home page or select a category in the navigation for more up-to-date information.

ADOPT: SUPPORT FORUM Adoptive Family Support Forum (continued)

July 1997

Adoption Followed by Natural Birth
I read with interest your web page http://www.adopting.org/explain.html and I have a question. Please forward to the appropriate person.

We went through 9 years of infertility testing including 3 variations of in-vitro fertilization with no success. In parallel, for the last 5 of the 9 years we also went through adoption proceedings. Hence, enter our first child, adopted male, now 5 years old. Since then, without any medical assistance, we have 2 more children, naturally, now age 2 and one is 5 months. Both are girls. Of course we love all three as our own flesh and blood.

Your article discussed how to tell a child that he is adopted, which we found very informative. As a variation of that, how should we handle the fact the he knows all about natural childbirth and that both of his sisters are naturally born by my wife? He has not directly approached us on this front yet, but we see the questions coming in his mental development. We have been telling him occasionally that he is adopted, when the timing has been right. We want to make sure that he doesn't think that he is somehow disadvantaged because he was adopted.

Using the article above as a base line, is there anything we need to do or say differently?
Regards,
Mark
mark.werner@peachtreecityga.ncr.com

Response:
I will forward your question on to our expert and hope for an answer in a week or so....there is so much conflict about how to talk to children about adoption...I would just continue as you are and wait for him to approach you, but there are people who think you might be reading children's books about adoption to him, maye just to get him familiar with the concept....at age 5 they really don't understand anyway. ..or maybe a book talking about the different ways families are formed...
Any thoughts? Email and we will post. reactive attachment disorder
My husband & I have 5 children, 3 of whom are special needs adoptions. We would like to find support through contact with other special needs adoptive families. Currently we are trying to research RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and feel somewhat desperate to find help for our newest adoptive placement, a 14 yr old girl who as been dx RAD. The info we've seen suggests that traditional therapies are not effective. We live in Bismarck, ND and do not have (to our knowledge) therapists willing or specialized in holding therapy. Our counselor has agreed to learn & research with us, and to attempt more aggressive interventions than his usual, laid back style, but not to use any specific holding techniques. We need any suggestions, and support in how to begin to bond to a child who manipulates and frustrates rather expertly, keeping us at a distance. She has many issues to deal with, but we see the attachment problems as central to some of the others including academics. (Rick & Jodi Pelishek @ ricjopel@btigate.com)

Response:
The Attachment Center at Evergreen

URL: http://www.attachmentcenter.org/

"We are committed to transforming the lives of children with attachment disorder and their families, and promoting healthy parent/child attachments." Courier Services for Certification & Authentication
I am at the beginning stages of gathering my dossier documents. I would like to find a list of courier services who handle the state certification and authentication for these documents. I would also like to know if this service is worth the fee involved? Are they reliable and fairly speedy??
ccrowley@swbell.net

Response:
Try emailing to the following:
Cheryl S. Jones, MSW
International Adoption Consultants
http://www.adopting.org/Adoption_Consultants.html
931 Monroe Drive
Suite 102-353
Atlanta, GA 30308
Phone: (404) 872-7056
Fax: (404) 897-3384
Email: cheryljones@msn.com

National Adoption Information Clearinghouse
naic@calib.com
US News
This weeks' U.S. News Online and magazine issue features a special report on the case of Renee Polreis, who is accused of killing her son David, adopted from a Russian orpahanage in 1996. The feature, "A dead child, a troubling defense," examines Polreis's controversial defense, that her son suffered from "attachment disorder", a diagnosis for children with severe emotional and behavioral problems which has become increasingly common as more Americans adopt children from Eastern Europe. The issue is currently available online at http://www.usnews.com/usnews/main.htm

The exact URL you may view the story at is
http://www.usnews.com/usnews/issue/970714/14atta.htm. Thank you for your interest in U.S. News. If you have any other questions or comments - please send them along. Thank you,
Nancy Duke
U.S. News Online
Families of Children from Thailand
My wife and I have adopted two children from Thailand, whilst we lived in the UK. In that country, there was a well established support network of families with children from Thailand. Since returning to the States in April '97, we've sought a similar group for our family to socialize with.

While we have been awaiting the reply from the Dept of Public Welfare in Bangkok, we thought that you might have advice on formal or informal groups in the NE USA.
RF Bauer
richard.f.bauer@unilever.com

Anyone with info on this, please email and we'll post
Adopting an 18 year old
Hi. My question may seem a bit odd, but I am looking for information. My husband and I have custody of a precious 17 year old girl. She was abandoned by her birth mother at 18 months of age. She was abused by her birth father throughout childhood (when he wasn't in jail for a multitude of other crimes.) She was basically raised by her grandmother. She was removed from the home for a period of 6 months at about age 13, but was simply sent back to live with an aunt. Child protective services released her case after a year of counseling. (Birth father was never punished for his crimes.) Due to church contact, she spent more and more time with our family. Finally, we petitioned the court to be managing conservators. We have had custody for two years. During this time and on our own, we have located the birth mother and requested that both the birth mother and father relinquish parental rights. We were simply ignored. My question is that she will soon be 18 years old. What processes will we have to go through to adopt her? Thank you for the information.
MaleaMulln@aol.com

This is a legal question and I am not a lawyer. Check with our legal resources on our main index page for an adoption attorney who can help, and also our state by state listing. The attorneys are listed on the bottom of the page. The laws vary from state to state. In some states, an 18 year old can be declared an emancipated minor and once the person reaches a certain age (as an adult), she will need no one's permission to be adopted... adoption by grandparent
I am adopting my 14 year old daughter's baby. Could anyone share with me any problems or experiences they may have had with this type of situation?
kdholmes@pionet.net

Email us and we'll post...also see some previous discussions about family adoptions.(about 1/2 to 2/3 down the page) Home Study
I am a proud parent of a wonderful son that we adopted three years ago. Since that time I was diagnosed with bipolar . My question is will this prevent my husband and I from adopting again in the future?
WRobert187@aol.com
adoption of child(ren) with achondroplasia (Dwarfism)
My husband and I are now going thruogh adoption classes in Ks.. We are interested in adopting a child or children with Achondroplasia which is Dwarfism. We have a granddaughter with this and already know a great deal about it. Could you help us with finding information about availability of such children?
Judy and Frank Johnson
TIGifts@aol.comadoption agency
We recently had adoption fall through and are nervous about trying again. The agency we are working with has a very brash manner and it appears to be more about money than about the joy of placing an infant with a loving family. Does anyone have any good references for an agency/attorney with good track record on the central Florida or general Florida area. We are also willing to go anywhere to work with an agency/attorney with good track record/reputation for a private adoption of an infant (domestic).
foabad@palmnet.netAdopting 2 1/2 year old
My husband and I have just started the proceedings for the open adoption of a two and a half year old boy. We met the child for the first time last week and he spent the weekend with us at our home. The weekend went very well for us and him.

I spoke to his father (who has legal custody of him) two days after the weekend visit and his father expressed some concern over the child's behavior since returning from the visit with us. He stated the child has been cranky, he is doing things he has never done before such as throwing his lunch on the floor, and just seems to be in a bad mood.

The child did not behave in this manner when we was with us this weekend. We did not let him do whatever he wanted to. When he did something that was unacceptable, he was told "no" or explained why he should not do such things. He offered no resistance to being corrected.

At the end of the weekend, we met his father at a prearranged place. The child was happy to see his father. When asked if he was ready to leave, he said no. We spoke to his father for approximately an hour and then it was time for us to leave. The child began crying when he was placed in his car seat in his father's truck. His father also said that as we were driving away in different directions, the child turned around in his car seat and watched us as long as he could see our vehicle. When he could no longer see us, he turned around and just stared out the window.

We are not sure why he's acting this way with his father. Is he punishing his father for "leaving" him for the weekend with us or was he upset because he left us or is he just confused?

We plan on a weekend visit with the child again this coming weekend. What can we do to make this transition easier for the child? Is it a good idea for us to spend time with him prior to the time that he actually comes to stay with us forever or would it be better for him if it happens all at once?

Also, how long would you suggest between the time we get custody of him and his first visitation with his father?

Any insight you could give us on this would be greatly appreciated. We want what's best for the child and are willing to do whatever it takes to make his transition easier.

Response:
We will forward this on to our expert. Any thoughts? Email and we will post. Adopting a Second Child
We have been blessed with a great little boy who is now 7 1/2 years old. After fours of treatment for secondary infertility and two failed attempts at in-vitro fertilization , we are considering adopting a child. This is a new arena for us and we really don't know where to start to obtain all the information in a timely fashion and to move the process along quickly.

What type of advise do you have for a family in our situation? I have already contacted two private agencies in our area and the Catholic Charities adoption agency. I am still waiting to receive packets in the mail. Please advise on successful adoption options.
debbiecali@aol.com

Response:
Getting started is not that difficult. To get started check out the following:
http://www.adopting.org/start.html
http://www.adopting.org/hstudy.html
Then check out some of the resources on our main page at http://www.adopting.org/ar.html
This should get you started. Once you've decided what kind of adoption you want, you will need to choose an agency or attorney to help. In addition to the ones listed on our main page, see http://www.adopting.org/agency.html
which is a state by state listing of what's available to you.

The easiest way to adopt a sibling group or a special needs child is to call your local adoption agency which is usually located in the government pages either in the front or back of your phone directory or sometimes in the yellow pages, too--sometimes listed under Dept of Human Services or Dept of Social Services. You should also be eligible to receive a subsidy for these kinds of adoptions: See http://www.adopting.org/subsidy.html

For international adoption, check out the following: Our main page at http://www.adopting.org/ar.html, which has the following as well as resources--
http://www.adopting.org/internat.html
http://www.adopting.org/start.html
http://www.adopting.org/hstudy.html
Depending on what state you are in or which agency you use, the wait can vary, so you need to contact them individually. Make sure you get a licensed agency or an attorney with good references.Bonding Issues
After struggling for 2 years with infertility and expiriencing a painful miscarriage, my husband and I were blessed with the opportunity to privately adopt a newborn. I was able to watch my son's birth and the adoption went without a hitch. I should be thrilled, but I find I am struggling with bonding issues. I feel like not being able to give birth to him or breastfeed has caused me to feel more like a babysitter than his mother. I really miss the "special treatment" that pregnant women receive and I have read that many parents "fall in love" with their babies but I have not had the powerful, protective feelings associated with first-time parenthood. I do love my 9 month old son. He is healthy, he even looks like my husband and me, yet it seems I should feel more than I do. Is this normal? What can I do to facilitate bonding? Will it just take time to feel like his "real mommy?"
Marci
Okaycheese@aol.com

Can anyone help with this...anyone with similar feelings?...let us hear from you and we will post.

Response
I am a thirteen year old female who was adopted when i was fouteen months old. My parents love me very much, and I really doubt that the bond we share is any less than one we would have had if I was breastfed. The fact that your new child was not born from a part of you may be discomforting, but I think that your bond will grow as he grows with you. The hardest part may be making sure he realizes that you are not his biological parents but letting him know that you are, in fact, his parents.

I always knew that I was adopted. Just recently I have had several emotional barriors I had to cross. One of the worst feelings, for me, is that I have no clue to my biological parents identity. I hope that you can stay in touch with your new sons parents, or at least have as much information as possible. When he gets to his teenage years he might get curious, and you will need every scrap of information.

The thing that helps me most is a listening ear when I need it. I guess I have strayed away from bonding issues... I would love to talk with you, and since I have the firsthand experiance of adoption, you may want to talk. If you do, feel free to email me. Maybe we can set up a time to meet in a private chat room or something.
MSDK1@aol.com Telling a child he's adopted
My fiance has a nine-yr. old son that he and his ex-wife adopted at birth. He has never really been told that he's adopted (until recently) and he has no clue as to what was really being discussed. His birth mother lives locally, but will have nothing to do with him. The birth mother's sister has a daughter who's eleven, and they let each other visit and play regularly.

Questions:
Ô Is this a good idea to let them be together without him knowing "how" they're related? He understands that they're "cousins" but doesn't know (or care) how at the age of nine.
Ô Other members of the birth mother's family members are present at certain events (birthdays, first communions, etc), and they're being referred to as "grandpa", "your cousin" etc.
Ô How can we better describe to him why his birth family hangs around, but not his mom? She is invited to attend these events, but refuses to come.
I'm in a unusual situation, since right now I'm only "dad's girlfriend", but I'm very concerned about his questions regarding his birthmom and how it will handled. A concerned step-mom
ritaw@atmnet.comAdoption Questions; our situation
Thank you for being here on the net for people like us. We are looking into adoption but we fear that we will not be allowed to adopt since, at the moment, we receive AFDC and food stamps. We are loving parents and have three sons now. I had to undergo a total hysterectomy in 1991 and therefore, am unable to have any more children. We would love to adopt another child, but can't afford all those high fees that you hear so much about. My husband is 30, he will be 31 this year. I turned 28 this year. Our boys are ages 11, 8, and soon to be 7 years old. We would love to have a baby girl. She would not have to be american, we would be very happy with a baby daughter from another country. Anyway, we provide for our children very well. Our children are first in our lives and in all that we do. We have been compliments several times on what good parents we are and how great our boys are, etc. Is there any way that we can adopt even though we are on public assistance at this time? Our children have everything that they need and we could provide such a loving and stable home for another child. Please help. Thank you.
Hopefully your's in Kentucky, USA....
Darrin and Christina Stevens and sons
lethal@bellsouth.com Click here to continue to next page of support forum