Home
Question:
Where do we find information about adopting?
Response:
Check out pages at http://www.adopting.org/ar.html
There is a wealth of information here. There is information on getting started, on networking to find a birthmother, information about agencies, attorneys and independent adoption,
information about international adoption, information on open adoption, information on home study, personal stories, professional articles, support, Roots and Wings Adoption Magazine, Wide Smiles, Miracle of adoption cards. Once you've decided what kind of adoption you want, you will need to choose an agency or attorney to help. In addition to the ones listed on our main page, see our state by state listing of agencies and attorneys to help you.
The easiest way to adopt a sibling group or a special needs child is to call your local adoption agency which is usually located in the government pages either in the front or back of your phone directory or sometimes in the yellow pages, too--sometimes listed under Dept of Human Services or Dept of Social Services. You should also be eligible to receive a subsidy for these kinds of adoptions: See http://www.adopting.org/subsidy.html
Also, check out other resources at http://www.adopting.org/sitadopt.html.
Q: I'd like to adopt internationally. Where do I start?
A: If you're interested in international adoption,check out the following:
http://www.adopting.org/internat.html for general information and
http://www.adopting.org/staterec.html for specifics. Also, http://www.adopting.org/hstudy.html and http://www.adoption-assist.com the agencies which can help.
Also the 1996 Report on Intercountry Adoption from the International Concerns Committee for Children. It is a directory of hundreds of US and Canadian adoption agencies sorted by country program with summary information on costs and requirements. They send out updates 10 times per year. You can get this directory by sending a check for $20 to ICCC, 911 Cypress Dr, Boulder, CO 80303.
Once you've picked out some agencies, phone them to ask for their info packets. Some agencies may request a donation for them and some agencies may ask you some questions about yourself such as your age and marital status.
affordable adoption
my daughter and her husband would dearly love to adopt a child, preferably a baby, but they have found that the cost is way over their budget. any ideas would be greatly apperciated as to how to do this within their limits and the limits of the law. thank you all so much for your help.
JAleman525@aol.com
Response:
Adoptions can be expensive but there are ways to minimize the costs and even to adopt at little cost. Also, there is a new ammendment which was passed allowing $5,000 of adoption costs to be deductable--starting in 1997. This includes international adoptions and also makes employers contricbutions non-taxable.
Other ways to minimize the cost are to adopt through the fost adopt program, where the county will pay you as foster parents until a child is available for you to adopt.
Another option is to adopt a sibling group or a special needs child. Call your local adoption agency which is usually located in the government pages either in the front or back of your phone directory or sometimes in the yellow pages, too--sometimes listed under Dept of Human Services or Dept of Social Services. You should also be eligible to receive a subsidy for these kinds of adoptionsl
Another way to cut the costs way down is to locate a birthmother on your own. This is not as difficult as it sounds, although it does take a lot of persistance. We located our last 3 birthmoms on our own through our own networking and our last adoption, which was done 8 years ago, cost less than $1.000. Another way is to look for your birthmother on the internet.
Potential adopters need to approach adoption from a consumer viewpoint. Essentially, this means that you must do your homework, contact several agencies, and compare costs. Most agencies must be licensed non-profits by law, and the law is very specific about how their money can be used.
Single Parent Adoptions
I am wondering how difficult it is for a single person to adopt. I am a 36 year old woman, a teacher, financially stable and secure, divorced. I don't feel very good about having to get married again in order to have children. I know single parent adoptions are done but what are the criteria and what is the process? Am I immediately disqualified because I am single and not a celebrity?
Response:
No, many single people adopt. It is usually easier to do an international adoption or to do a special needs adoption. See the following:
The easiest way to adopt a sibling group or a special needs child is to call your local adoption agency which is usually located in the government pages either in the front or back of your phone directory or sometimes in the yellow pages, too--sometimes listed under Dept of Human Services or Dept of Social Services. You should also be eligible to receive a subsidy for these kinds of adoptions
For international adoption, check out the following:
International Adoption: How to get started
Reources
Requirements for more than 50 Countries
How to Get Started
Home Study
National Council for Single Adoptive Parents
Personal Adoption Stories by Single Moms:
Adoption by a Single Mom
Choices: A Single Mom Speaks Out
Stepparent Adoption
In California, is there any way one can adopt the children of the wife whose children, from a first marriage, come with her into the second marriage using do-it-yourself forms, etc. Cost and time saving is important to the couple in the second marriage but the spirit is willing. This is from a concerned grandfather in Arizona where the laws, etc. are not likely the same as California's. Is there a network contact in Calif. that would be good to contact with specifics?
henlew@aol.com.
Response:
The step parent adoption process is relatively simple.The ex-spouse needs to sign over his rights and / or be declared as having abandonned the child. A paralegal or an attorney can help. If you are in California there is a book, How to Adopt Your Step Child, with all the paperwork in it. Otherwise, go to your local law library. Find the section # of the adoption code which deals with step-parent adoption. Ask the law librarian where you can get the forms. Then you can file them in the court. Another way is to ask the clerk of the court where and how you can get the forms. If you need an attorney to help, check out our state by state resources and the attorneys are listed toward the bottom of each state list.
Response from Graham Wright, MSW, Director of Future Families
It's a step-parent adoption. Only viable if the birth father is long gone, or at least unreachable after a year. It's fairly simple but best to hire a paralegal to help. In California the county does a one visit "home study" after a petition is filed. It's very important to make sure that this is what the child wants, and to consider the issue to inheritance. Step parent adoptions involve terminating the parental rights and responsibilities of the birth father, including any claims to support or inheritance, before establishing the new legal relationship. Unless the child is very sure, I wouldn't suggest doing it just because the couple wants it. If the child is young - I'd suggest waiting until he or she can agree with understanding of the effects. You always want your child to thank you later!
My personal story
When I was 16 I became pregnant, and the father left me when I found out. I decided a short way into the pregnancy that there was no way I could have an abortion but I also knew that there was no way I could raise my baby. I also didn't want my mother to raise it. I picked the family out that I wanted and I met them 1 week before my due date. It was the greatest thing in the world for me to see the surprise on their face when they heard that my due date was so close. I ended up having to have a C-section but it didn't really affect anything. After I gave birth to a beautiful 5 lb 3 oz baby girl I was so excited. I invited the adopting parents to come up and see the baby. It was also neat for me to see them feed the baby for the first time. My mother and I had been going though counseling the whole time so we were relatively prepared for this. I have a twin sister and this was hard for her. This was also my parents first grandchild so it was hard on them too. I signed the papers three days after I had her and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I was so sure that this is what I wanted to do it was the only thing to do. My parents had said that they would support me with any decision I had made. They were great and without them it would have been a lot harder. Now I speak at meetings that adopting parents have to take. I did this through Catholic Social Services and they were great. I am proud to say I am in college now. Just wanted to share my story, I hope it helps some young girl that is pregnant and can't decide what to do. I am always here if someone needs to talk.
JL-Trybom@wiu.edu
Talking to your child about Adoption, in what age?
When should I talk to my child about adoption?
ora bechor
orab@most.co.il
Response:
See the following:
Talking to Your Child About Adoption
What to Expect at Different Ages
How to Explain Adoption to Your Child
Authentic Beginnings, Real Bonds
GrandParents Raising Grandchildren and Adoption Information
GrandsRuS
I am associated with the website GrandsRuS (http://www.eclypse.com/GrandsRuS) which is a site devoted to and run by grandparents raising grandchildren. We've noticed that an unusual number of us grandparents are raising the children of our adopted children. To provide a forum for this group we've established a website bulletin board devoted to this topic. It can be found at: http://www.eclypse.com/GrandsRuS/comsub.htm)
I am the adoptive mother of eight (mostly special needs) kids who now range in age from 19-16. We are raising three preschool-aged grandchildren. They are all the children of a child whom we adopted when she was eleven and we later learned she had FAE. You can see our story at (http://www.eclypse.com/GrandsRuS/suespage.htm)
Single Grandmother adopting 3 grandchildren
I'm adopting my grandchildren, they know my daughter, their birthmother and she visits and is creating relationships with them, the baby is interracial, I have my story on the web at: http://www.geocities.com/~tickard
If I can answer any questions about our life, or why these decisions were made, please ask. ~~ Susanne
tickard@sprynet.com
Adoption License
What does it mean for an adoption agency to be licensed? Is it just a business license, or is there another type of license for adoption agencies? When an agency advertises that they are licensed, how can this be verified?
kldenney@mindspring.com
Response:
We are Maine Adoption Placement Service (better known as MAPS). We are a non-profit, licensed agency in the States of Maine, Massachusetts and Florida with programs in the USA, Vietnam, India, China, Guatemala, Russia, Moldova, Romania, Kazhkstan and Ukraine.
In answer to your question, to receive a license from any state to do adoptions is a very lengthy and involved process. There are reams of requirements for staff, procedures, policies, etc. This license requires a complete investigation as we do take custody of children, open licensed foster homes, make life altering decisions, etc. In Maine we are re-licensed each year. Sometimes a team from the state government arrives and goes thru each file to be sure we are meeting all standards. It took us 7 months to be licensed in Florida. We had to provide all kinds of information and data even though we have been licensed in Maine for 20 years. Our Massachusetts license took 4 months. We were fully investigated even though we have placed many children in Massachusetts. I was recently told that a good experienced agency had just received a license in New York State. It took them 3 years.
It is always better to use a "Licensed non-profit adoption agency."
Anyone can set themselves up as an "agent". There are some good, ethical, experienced agents and there are some who are not. Any attorney can do adoptions with little or no instruction. Again, I have worked with attorneys who functioned like agencies with full social work staffs and then there are those who have been disbarred for unethical practice.
Become educated and informed. Be careful and choose your "family builder" with care. Find someone who has experience, has several programs, use your internet.
The way to check an agency's license status is to call the State Human Services licensing department or the State Adoption Consultant they are licensed in. They will tell you if they are in good standing.
If you would like any information on any of our programs, please call us at 207-532-9358, e-mail maps@ainop.com. Also, you can check us out on the web at http://www.ainop.com/maps/
Good Luck, Cindy
Can I Breastfeed my Adopted Baby?
I'll try to answer your question about nursing your adopted baby by citing the La Leche League publications, "Nursing Your Adopted Baby" and The Breastfeeding Answer Book. There's also a pamphlet called "Helping Love Grow: Parenting Adopted Children" that might be helpful. If you would like more information and live in the USA,, call 1-800-LA LECHE during business hours and request a catalog and the name of your local Leader.
"The emphasis in adoptive nursing must be primarily on the nurturant aspects of breastfeeding and secondarily on the nutritional advantages of mother's milk. The production of milk, if it happens, is a pleasant side effect of the goal of a happy nursing relationship."
Most mothers are able to produce at least a little milk. Having never been pregnant has no effect on ability to produce milk. Many adoptive mothers are able to induce lactation by using a breast pump every 2-3 hours, either before the baby comes or after. Some also use a device such as the Medela Supplemental Nursing System (SNS). The SNS is a bottle that you fill with artificial baby milk and hang around your neck. There are two tiny tubes that you tape near your nipples. This way, the baby gets enough milk while stimulating your body to produce your own milk. The key to all this is that the more stimulation by the breast, pump or baby, the more likely milk will be produced.
Adopting an older baby may complicate this issue. Some babies are used to drinking from a bottle and just don't want to nurse. These babies may not be interested in trying something new. But every baby's different, so you have to try and see how your particular baby responds.
As with any nursing mother, keep in mind that some medications that you may be taking may not be compatible with breastfeeding. Be sure to check with your health care provider. You may also want to use discretion when discussing nursing with your adoption agency - some are very supportive but others may view the idea with suspicion.
For many adoptive mothers it helps to define their goal in inducing lactation, and to remember that breastfeeding provides many benefits in addition to nutrition. The ability to produce milk varies widely from mother to mother. Even mothers who have breastfed previous babies may not ever be able to fully breastfeed an adoptive baby (at the 1995 LLLI Conference, author and LLL Leader Martha Sears told how surprised she was that after breastfeeding seven children, she was able to provide only part of her adopted daughter's liquid intake). A sensible goal, then, might be to try to provide some, or maybe most, of your new baby's nutrition yourself, while fully enjoying the closeness and bonding that breastfeeding brings. Your baby will love you, no matter what!
See the following:
Stories and Information about Breastfeeding
What about adopting. My wife is has undergone medical care (depression, Cancer treatment, diabetes)?
It's hard to be specific with just the information provided. It sounds as if the depression was situational, and that can happen to anyone. On the other hand, much depends on the medication prescribed. That will often tell a lot about the severity of the condition. The best response is probably to think long and hard about how it would be for the child and for the new family if a similar depression occurred again. Would it be devastating? Who would care for the child during the mother's recovery? As you are considering independent adoption it is probably true that less, or maybe no, attention will be paid to your wife's medical history, but that will vary state by state. In an agency adoption it will be one factor to be assessed, as would any other medical condition. Don't assume it would rule you out though. It could equally well demonstrate your ability as a couple to face and deal successfully with stress, and actually enhance the agency's perception of you as a potential adoptive family. To be sure you should consult a clinical therapist who could also talk to your wife's doctor, and provide you, any potential birth parent or an agency with a reliable assessment of the implications, or lack thereof, for parenting.
See Following set of messages:
Correspondance taking place over 9 months: Successful Adoption After Cancer Treatment:
7/95
My wife and I have the opportunity to adopt a child. Our biggest concern is that my wife had breast cancer a few years ago. She has gone through the lumpectomy, chemo and radiation therapies and is in good health right now. Her family doctor has given his approval to proceed. Do private adoptions get approved under these circumstances? Thank You. Bryan and Christine Callighan.
Response from Adopt:
Hi Bryan,
I had Bruce Rappaport of the Independent Adoption Center answer your question but I just noticed you live in Canada. I do not know what the laws are like there, but if you adopt independently the law's not so stringent in the USA. I would contact an agency near your home and ask to speak to a social worker, or the Canadian equivalent, and ask him/her your question. That way you can find out anonymously prior to attempting an adoption.
8/95
Response from Bruce Rappaport of Independent Adoption Center: Exactly what will happen is hard to say. Certainly there are birthparents (open adoption) who will be nervous about choosing people who might not survive to be parents but we have had many such people chosen at the Center. Typically, they are chosen by birthparents whose own families have been through a serious disease and so they understand both the seriousness of the situation but also the hope. In all of these cases, the role of the other parent (more often the adoptive father) is critical: their health, their commitment to parenting, and their involvement in the adoption.
Independent Adoption Center/National Federation Largest nonprofit, nationwide adoption agency in USA( West Coast, Midwest, and East Coast) 800-877-6736.
WWW page -adoptionHELP - at http://www.webcom.com/~nfediac/
4/96
SUCCESS
Thank you very much for your help. We are very happy to say that the Ministry of Child Welfare approved our application. They required that Christine go through another series of tests to indicate that her present health was good. Best of all, Patrick was born on March 15th, 1996 weighing 7lbs, 11 ozs and is doing just great. He has brought so much joy to our home. Once again, thanks for your efforts.
Christine and Bryan
bryanc@interlog.com
Question:
Hi, I just want to know where on the 'Net I can find sites detailing internation adoptions (specifically from China) for Canadians, ie. cost, procedures etc.
Response:
Information on China:
http://www.catalog.com/fwcfc/
This is the most complete, although not Canadian-specific.
Also, for Canada, check out:
Toronto Freenet Adoption Forum
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login: guest
The command "go adopt" without the quotes will take you to the adoption area. TFN has summaries of newsletters, and lists of resources for people interested in planning an adoption as well as searching adopteesin Canada. Information regarding international adoption also available.
Those wishing to dial direct can reach TFN at 416-780-2010.
There is also Adoption Helper Magazine which can be received by contacting Robin Hilborn, 189 Springdale Blvd, Toronto, Ontario, M4C 1Z6 Canada, Tel/fax 416-463-9412.
International Adoption Agencies for Canada
is a wonderful site listing adoption agencies for Canadians.
I am an adoption parent, adoption consultant, and volunteer w. non-profit org (SPARK and Partners in Inter-Country Adoptions, Inc.). My interest is assisting Canadian families by providing info and support on intl and domestic options. I noted that there are not any specific references for Canadian families eg CDN adoption support groups, adoption facilitators (as most of the provinces of Canada do not yet have the legal authority to license for intl placements), or which US agencies will work with CDN families. I don't know how many CDN's are accessing you, but a Canada-only section would be helpful. There is a site called Family Helper in Toronto being built but it is a long process as you know. In the meantime .... Thank you. Alison Pentland-Folk, Adoption Directions
5 L'Estrange Place
Toronto, Ontario, CANADA M6S 4S6
(416) 767-8154
Effects on Older Child Adoptions
We're starting to explore a county adoption (Orange, Ca). These children are labeled "special needs" having been been neglected, abused or abandoned so that the parental rights have been terminated. We want to get a better idea from others how tramautized these children typically are and whether you really have to start with a foster care situation. We're thinking about a toddler, or baby 6mth - 2years. We have a beautiful 3year old whom we adopted at birth. We're thinking about going the county way to adopt a slightly older baby for several reasons: 1) We're now approaching our 40's, 2) We'd like a child closer to our daughter's age (thinking she'll be minimum 4yrs if we go private again) 3) Infants are in such demand, maybe we should let someone else get an infant rather than us (again) and finally 4) Who else is going to adopt these kids.
Feedback from Graham Wright of Future Families
You've adopted before, even though independently and, I assume, a non-traumatized child. This does give you some advantage when applying to an agency, because you have a track record and know many of the lifelong issues related to adoption. Secondly, you are right to only consider a child younger then your daughter - "birth order" issues are important.
Re: fostering first - it is definitely the fastest way to go, and the road can be anywhere from very easy to very rough, depending upon the legal situation. Many counties are now doing "concurrent planning", whereby two plans are in effect for the child. One is a full attempt to reunify with a birth parent, and the other is adoption should the first plan fail. These "concurrent" plans are carried out with the child placed in the potential future adoptive home as a foster child. From the point of everyone, except possibly the prospective adoptive parents, this is good child welfare practice. It may also be good for the adoptive parents, if they accept that the best place for the child is with the biological parents and, failing that, with them. Kinship is very important, and when the child grows older the value of having participated in such a process should serve to further enhance your relationship. In my experience, adopted children from "the system" often adjust more successfully when they know that their parents knew, or knew of, their birth parents and were in on the process at the time. Usually, a competent county social worker will have a pretty good "take" on the likelihood of reunification and on the hoops that will need to be gone through. I would certainly not discourage anyone willing to go this route, and would applaud them However, you should not do this if you know that your anxiety about the uncertainty of the child's future will negatively interfere with your day-to-day parenting, or your life in general. You should also be clear about your boundaries re your confidentiality, visits at your home, whether your name and address is included in court documents etc.
With regard to the effects of abuse/neglect/abandonment/drugs - it depends on the individual child. The most traumatized of children turn out to be "emotional survivors", and others indeed have impaired capacity for attachment and conscience. In general you take less risk in this regard if the child is aged less than about fourteen months of age, but my agencies have placed hundreds of much older children who have done well in the long run. Adopting an abused or neglected child is a major undertaking, primarily because it will change your life. It will likely change you as people, as you work through the adjustments and changes that this new family member brings. If you are not open to such personal change, in each other and possibly in your marriage, it may be harder for you. If you are ready for it, it is an adventure of healing, caring and personal growth beyond measure. Either way, if you decide to proceed, and are approved for adoption by an agency, don't forget to register on Future Families Check out our site on the Adopting Resouces web page. As you say, "who else is going to adopt these kids?"
Some thoughts from Future Families on adding older children to an existing bio or adopted group
Adding older children to an existing bio (or adopted) sib group is simply, - work. Birth order is a big deal to your children. The first born is---- well, the first born. He or she has developed certain means, methods, tricks, and adaptations that, in an unconscious way, are designed to teach you how to be parents. Your second born follows in the footsteps, the third born revels in the security and might act out more (maybe), the last born (if not one of the above), feels like the most treasured. These are generalizations but do fit a lot of the time. When you add older sibs the "natural" order is definitely upset. This is work for you as parents. Much depends on your bio kids. Are they really with you in this endeavor, or going along to please you? Probably the latter, but that' OK too, if they realize the work is shared with them too. The reality is that you will have two sib groups - and that's OK. Respect the birth order of your bio kids, it's fact after all, and respect and work with the dynamics of the children you are adopting. It's OK to have two groups of kids. You don't have to, and I believe shouldn't, try to erect a pretense that all are "the same". Both your bio kids and your support people will need help to understand that there are two parts to the parenting work in your family. Rules may be the same, but expectations may be different, and that's OK. Obviously the children you are adopting are recovering from trauma. Your bio children are not. Things have to be different. As I remember the thoughts of many of the adoptive parents I have known who have done this, one thing comes to mind. Love equally, structure equally, but always, ALWAYS, treat individually.
You are doing a wonderful thing. Your children may not always thank you for it, in the short term, because they will get less attention as a result. But, as time passes they will have learned a tremendous lesson of life that will stand them in great stead as adult human beings. Without any doubt, you will grow as parents and as individuals (you will be forced to grow), and your kids will grow and understand in ways that you will be very proud of in years to come. The only reservation I would ask you to consider is that of safety. Children often need to rework previous trauma. Your kids need your sensible protection if that is a possibility. Finally, make certain the agency is paying for lots of therapy, for the placed children, for your children, and that they are there for you as parents. You are to be honored in the work you are about to do.
Finally, you asked for positives - your plan is probably easier then introducing a new child into the existing birth order - adding a child in the middle for example. That's when the sparks really fly! Best Wishes
Question:
I am overwhelmed with my search of agencies and want to select the right one that will be right for me. Do you have any ideas how I should go about this?
Response:
Thank you for your question. It is difficult to answer. As you know, there are many agencies from which to choose and it will take time to decide which one is right for you. Here are some general guidelines:
Do some reading about different agencies. There are many books which list agencies, but I would start with referrals from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (email: naic@calib.com). They have directories as well as information about specific agencies. You will need to consider costs, reputation (I would definitely talk to people who have adopted from that agency), talk to Better Business Bureau in the state they are registered and make sure the agency has a license. Also call AFA at 1-800-372-3300 for information and last, but not least, find an adoptive parent support group in your area. These people have already been through the process and can be a tremendous help. You could also consider finding a child on your own by contacting your local crisis pregnancy center and letting them know you are interested. Read our networking article (http://www.adopting.org/network.html) for information on how to do this. Once you locate a birthmom, you can contact an attorney or agency to complete the adoption.
Anyone with comments, please write us and we'll post.
Response:
I have written a detailed article on this issue that you can find at http://www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/parent.htm. The article is written for parents considering the placement of a child for adoption but the large majority of issues addressed would also be of importance for families wanting to adopt a child into their home. The qualities you want in a good agency go both ways. There is also a checklist for parents wanting to place to use in selecting an agency that you can find at http://www.openadoption.org/bbetzen/checklst.htm. These are curcial issues and I welcome comments on the ones I have selected for this article and this checklist.
Bill Betzen, ACSW
bbetzen@openadoption.org
Question:
I am just married and my wife can not have any more babies...we'd like to adopt..are we naive at 40 yrs old?
To answer your first question last, no, you are not naive at 40 to adopt. Many people adopt in their 40a, some in their 50s and I have seen an adoption once where the husband was in his 60s. However, you are over most private agency standards, but you can adopt an infant by doing an independent adoption or by adopting internationally or you can adopt an older child by going through your fost-adopt program.
Homestudy Problem--please help
My husband and I would like to adopt and are just starting to look into the process. I have noticed that everyone in our state requires a homestudy and I am nervous about the background check. 10 years ago when I was in college and stupid, I went along with a stunt and was arrested for shoplifting. I pleaded no contest and paid the fine because I felt so bad about the experience. I have never told anyone including my husband because I was pretty ashamed. Now I am worried that if I do not disclose it and they can find out I will look bad. I do not want to tell the social worker. Does anyone know how to find out if something like this is still on your record and if so how does one handle this type of situation.
Response:
I'm always ready to put in my two cents, so here it goes. I think there are very few people who haven't done something 'stupid' in their past and who don't regret it later. After all, we are supposed to learn from our experiences. It seems to me that you definitely know that you did something foolish and regret it. Frankly, I'm suprised that you haven't confided in your husband, since he should be understanding enough to know that, well, that was then and you wouldn't do it now. I would also assume that through the adoption process, they would find out this information too. I don't think it would be terribly difficult. Since trust is an important factor in the adoption process I think the worst possibility would be for them to find out that you were lying to them, after all, they might think what else might you be dishonest about? Also, I would think they would assess that you are a changed person. So my opinion is to tell you husband, tell the social worker and hope they understand the situation, and adopt that child! Good luck!!!!
Ursula, Toronto Canada
psearch@idirect.com
Response:
Your situation is not an uncommon one. From what I've been reading (we're in the process of adopting) it is best to be upfront with your social worker and explain, as you did, that you did a stupid thing on a stunt/dare when you were young and realizing your mistake you paid the fine. Social workers are trained professionals -- they've heard it all before and they can sense when someone is sincerely embarassed or ashamed or sorry about something. Being honest with him/her will work favourably for your character description, lying will definitely hurt your application. Also, be brave and tell your husband BEFORE you meet with the social worker -- no doubt he'll support you. You don't want to risk his surprised reaction infront of the worker ("what else has she hidden from her husband, and just how honest are they with each other?"). Good luck, remember, you'renot the first one to have made a mistake.
atoepell@arnie.pec.brocku.ca
Response:
You shoplifting misdemeanor, IF it comes out, will not effect you adoption or homestudy. You should disclose if it seems appropriate (i.e. DON'T LIE!!) but otherwise just see if it comes up on your criminal records check. In AK they do two checks - one regarding child abuse/neglect and the other a trooper check for felonies.
K. Williams
CIRCAC@corcom.com
Response:
Definitely disclose any arrest or conviction. If you don't disclose and it is found out, your application will most likely not be accepted. As waiting Families coordinator for International Families, I have talked with many agencies and social workers. They stated that many people make mistakes in their younger days, and if you don't disclose and it is found, they consider it a lie and wonder what else you have lied about.
K.Koenig
74013.767@compuserve.com
Questions
I just learned from my sister-in-law that her brother and his wife will not be able to have children due to sterility on his part. My sister-in-law believes it is due to the high use of steroids when he was in high school. Anyway, they are now looking to adoption. they are considering an international adoption, if they can come up with the money, because they believe that no one would choose them due to his criminal past. He was convicted of a white collar crime and severed, I think, 8 of 16 years. He is now a minister with his own congregation. He is in his early thirties. I think that he would be better off trying here because I am not sure that other nations would approve him knowing of his criminal background. I'm not even sure that he would make it through a domestic home study. What do you think? Would he be better off going internationally or try it here at home? Let me know.
Check out a similar situation on our FAQ pages.
Response from Graham Wright of Future Families
Most states have procedures for "waiving" past convictions. It all depends on the amount of time that has passed, the nature and circumstances of the crime, and references showing rehabilitation (which can be from long-time friends, business associates, ministers, judges, teachers etc.). If the person is no longer living a life of crime, and seems very unlikely to do so again, then it's usually OK. What is very important is to tell the whole truth about the circumstances of the offense. Records often contain all sorts of details that one might not expect. With international adoption families are dependent on the views of the foreign government, which often are not so forgiving.
Help for Failed Adoptions:
This is more common than people think, can occur at any time in the process and is similar to dealing with the pain of miscarriage, still birth and/or death of a child. It is incredibly painful and devastating. We also lost a child who had been our home for 3 weeks. The pain is incredible and now, with 3 adopted children and 9 years later and having dealt with the grief, there is still an emptiness for the child that is missing. Check out Roots and Wings Adoption Magazine at http://www.adopting.org/rw.html. They have an article on Coping with Loss in the Winter Issue 1996 which deals with failed adoption placements. You can email to Cindy Peck for a copy of the current issue at adoption@world2u.com or email to the author of the article at dksimp@aol.com . Also check out the article on Adoption Detours by Joanne Green.
FAILED ADOPTIONS
I don't know if this is the right place to respond to the failed adoption stories on your site. but here goes. we also had one failed adoption. since our fingerprints had not cleared the newborn was placed in a foster home. my husband and i visited there every day for a week, when we got a call from our attorney that we were to stop visiting, as he had received a call from the bmom that the father of the baby had been found and wanted her to retrieve the child, not because he wanted anything to do with it, but because he thought adoption was evil. Although we had not invested much time, nor did we have opportunity to bond with this baby - we were disappointed. i too, did not want to go through all the waiting, and "tap dancing" to find a bmom again. This all took place in June 97. On Nov. 7 of the same year we got a call from our attorney that a young woman had had a boy one week prior. the baby was turned down by the intended adoptive couple because he was born on October 31 - and they felt he would be evil. well - if they are anywhere out there and can read this -- i can only say one thing. My husband and i thank you from the bottom of our hearts. this young boy is so unbelievably beautiful and happy - he steals the hearts of strangers! we now thank our lucky stars that the first one didn't work out. we truly believe that the child you are suppose to journey with throughout this lifetime will come to you. If you're reading this and you've had a bad experience please keep the faith now. It will happen. And when it does you will understand and forgive all the pain that came before. god bless and good luck!
sforsyth@earthlink.net
Failed Adoption
I have just gone through a failed adoption - after having met with the birthmom and gone with her to doctor's appointments, I am overwhelmed with emotion at her decision to keep her child. I am wondering, since all of the literature places this occurrence in the "rarely happens" category how many support groups there might be for adoptive parents who are recovering from this trauma? I don't intend on giving up - but I know I will have a much harder time trusting as I become involved again in my search to start my family. Thanks for being a resource - it is comforting to come to this site and read the succes stories and feel hope again.
Ncorres@aol.com
Failed adoption
We are a couple that has been waiting with our adoption agency for seven years. In August we were called on a Friday to arrange to meet a birth couple on the following Tuesday. However the birthmother delivered a little girl with a head full of hair on the Sunday before our meeting. At this point we were to meet on Tuesday and then take her home from the hospital on Wednesday. After a three hour drive to Tuscaloosa, AL, we meet this special couple, we receive wonderful gifts from this very young birthmother, we then go to see "our" little girl (named Evan), we make videos, we then drive three hours home, we show Evan's videos to our families......We make the return three hour return trip the next morning only to find that this young couple can not place for adoption. There are not words to describe the loss. It is difficult to face this vulnerability again. We have begun to recover and are still actively pursuing adoption. It is only through trusting the providence of God for our life that we can continue.
mclinemanl@aol.com
Failed adoptive placement
We recently went through a failed adoptive placement here in Columbus, Ohio. We met the birthmother in September through our attorney. Everything seemed to be progressing as smoothly as can be expected. She gave birth on October 18 and notified us through the social worker. By the next morning, she made the decision to parent. Though we thought we were prepared for this possibility, we are still devastated. We were so close! I dread the thought of again having to wait until another woman chooses us to be a part of her adoption plan. Is there anyone out there who can share in our grieving and/or offer support that this plan of ours will eventually work?
See our Adoption Detours Story
Interstate Compact
What is Interstate Compact?
State by state laws on adoption
Home Study Question
I have a question about our Home Study that I just requested and received to use for an international adoption from our domestic agency.
Are there any privacy rights for prospective adoptive parents? Info that I gave in what I thought was in confidence and off the record was written in my home study. Very personal, private intimate details which were told in complete confidence were actually documented when I was lead to believe that it would not be. The only reason I shared this info was to be honest and I was under the impression it would not leave the room. I was devastated to see what I said in confidence written in extreme detail in my homestudy. This is information that is not even known to members of my family. I believe some things are private, personal, scared and really no one's business but mine.
Do you agree? Please help? To me it is a defamation of character and very painful to be made public.
Response from Stephen Ravel, (sraal@best.com),an adoption attorney
Anyone who deals with a social worker in an adoption must understand that nothing is said in confidence to him or her. Anything said to the social worker must be assumed to be said to the world. If the information was promised to be kept confidential, yet it was material to the homestudy and the suitability of the family for the placement of a child then it will be included in the homestudy report. However, this homestudy should not be given to anyone other than the US immigration service, and the foreign court, if the foreign court requires it. The homestudy should not be distributed to anyone else. If the information divulged in the homestudy is not relevant to the person's ability to parent and is only put in the homestudy for spite or intimidation purposes then there may be a legitimate complaint. It sounds as if this person was misled and naive in dealing with the social worker. I would need additional information as to what was divulged in order to have a definitive opinion.
adoption/definition
I am an adoptive mother of a 20 year old Korean girl. She was only one-year-old when I adopted her and now is a beautiful, intelligent junior in college. My question involves my feelings concerning the definition and proper usage of the word "adopt".
I am a teacher and the superintendent in the district where I work has come up with the idea of "adopt-a-student", meaning that each teacher should choose a "failing" student to work with, encourage, etc. The idea is excellent (if we had the time), but I believe the word "adopt" is totally inappropriate in this context.
I will be meeting with the superintendent next week and I would greatly appreciate some feelings, statistics, whatever, that can help me. I believe she means "mentor", and not adopt because adoption is for always. she uses the example of "adopt a tree", or "adopt a whale", etc, as meaning the word is appropriate in this situation. HELP!
Donna Wilson
Response from Pat Johnston of Perspectives Press03-18-96
ppress@iquest.net
Your question about the appropriateness of her school district's "adopt-a-student"program is an excellent--and increasingly common--one. As many readers are aware, because I feel that such marketing is tastelessly exploitive, I have battled adopt-a programming and other adoption-related gimmicks since the Cabbage Patch doll craze of the 1980s. (I have a fact sheet on Adopt-A Confusion, which many people find helpful to photocopy and give to the sponsors of such programs, and I would be happy to send it via snail mail to anyone who e-mails me at ppress@iquest.net with a request and their mailing address.)
With the use of calm diplomacy and rational explanation, nearly anyone can be quickly helped to understand why the full-blown adopt-a programs which include all of the "trappings" of the legal adoption of children such as "adoption certifiicates" naming some donor as the parent of a chair in a church, or the "animal parent boards" which name some donor as the temporary annual parent of a giraffe at the zoo can be confusing, people have a harder time understanding how simply using one of the alternative definitions of the word adoption (and indeed there IS more than one definition--though the one involving permanently parenting children is the primary one!) is a bad idea. What I like to do in these cases is point out that since children are concrete thinkers who take everything quite literally, and since children's experience--if any--with the word adoption will involve their experience with peers who have been "adopted" by their families rather than with textbooks that have been "adopted" by school systems, or ideas which have been "adopted" by organizations, it is important that any program which is either directed at children and families (like zoo or rainforest, etc. "save the something" projects) or any program which is ABOUT children (like this writer's district's "assist-a-student" concept) keep in mind the likelihood that it could confuse children and simply look for an alternative.
In this writer's case, the situation is particularly surprising, since the superintendent's examples are actually ABOUT the exploitive "twisted" use ofthe word rather than ANY dictionary definition. Dictionaries do not suggest that adopt-a-tree and adopt-a-whale are legitimate use of the owrd and concept adoption!!! In fact, these uses did not even exist until the Cabbage PAtch marketing phenomenon of the 1980s!!!
If one is really serious about effecting change, be prepared to help in the selection and promotion of some equally interesting and/or catchy name for the project. For example, alliterative word use is catchy to the ear. In this case how about sponsor-a-student or support-a-scholar or mentor-a-munchkin or partner-a-pupil or lead-a-learner etc---be creative!
Patricia Irwin Johnston, adoption educator author of ADOPTING AFTER INFERTILITY and the forthcoming LAUNCHING A BABY'S ADOPTION
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