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Jewish adoption 21 May 97
Hello. I have no idea who I am writing to - but I cannot seem to find what I want on the net! I am looking for info on a national Jewish adoption agency - that I was told is based in Denver? I'd apprecaite any info. Thanks!
NOAHSMOM@AOL.COM
Response:
Try Stars of David. If this is not what you want, get back to me...
Open Adoption is the only option 20 May 97
hello i am an open adoption parent and advocate anyone who would like to talk to me can do so at adopt426@alltell.net i have been blessed 3 times and their ages are 8,4,3 GOD BLESS all the birth parents who have made the most unselfish decision of their lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DEB
Response:
I a 48 years old. My parents adopted me at 3 days old. I am totally against open adoption. I get the following question a lot: Do you ever want to find your real parents? My response, these are my real parents and I feel very very lucky and blessed to have them. It has never crossed my mind to find my sperm donor and egg donor. My parents have been open with me ever since I can remember. My Mom is 85 and has said all along that if I ever wanted to find out, she would help me. No thank you......I am very happy and well adjusted person.
My son and his wife are now in the process of adopting a little girl from Russia. She is 9 months old now. Will most likely be over a year when they finally go to get her. I am sure they will give her all the love and attention (as my parents did) that she will need to become a well adjusted happy woman as I am.
anderssu@pr.erau.edu
Adolescent issues 20 May 97
My daughter was adopted from Guatemala at 3 months. She is now 18. She has been turning against me for the last few years, full of anger. Her dad and I are divorced, both remarried. She has moved in full time with her dad and wants no contact with me. I am in total shock and of course hurt, angry and miss her. Although, the house is much more peaceful now that she isn't stomping around and yelling all the time. For some reason her dad gets none of this. I really look forward to hearing teenage stories and also hoping to feel less responsible and guilty. I just can't believe that a lifetime of caring and nurturing can go down the drain just like that!
Response: adolescent issue (18yr. guatemala-born female)
If this helps at all, I think your daughter issues probably have nothing to do with being adopted rather more towards the divorce and at her age where she will naturally try to emotionally and physically separate from you anyways. Often this age group uses a crisis to justify separation. She will come back to you. Try to support her and do fun things together and begin to see her as more of an adult. She probably feels more secure with your love and therefore it's not as risky not living with you; whereas with her father she might feel more insecure and therefore needs to physically be there to ensure she doesn't lose him. Just a hunch!
michwa@ameritech.net
Response to your Pain.:
I can truly feel the pain in your voice. My childrens father and I divorced when they were 15, 14 and 10. My two girls ( the 14 yr old and the 10 yr old) reacted exactlly like your daughter is now. I moved out and let them stay with their father. It took about three years for my ten year old to even acknowledge that I existed. The older girl was on drugs and her father let her go with no discipline at all. It was a truly painful time in my life. I also felt that nothing I had done in fifteen years had gotten through to them. I felt like such a failure. Then every once in a while I would see them and one of them would say something and it really brought me up short. I would realize they were repeating something I had drummed into their head. Slowly but surely they all came around. It was a long slow painful process but it happened. They are now 41, 40 and 36. We are all very close. Hang in there, pray and always be there for her. She will come around but it has to be on her terms. You cannot force it. My prayers are with you.
SALABOB@aol.com
Any input?...email and we'll post
Child development 20 May 97
My wife and I are both in our late 40s and are planning to adopt internationally. We would prefer to adopt a child less than a year old but our circumstances appear to be such that the adoption of a toddler (1 to 3) is more likely. What has been your experience with toddler adoption? Are there any specific developmental, learning or disciplinary issues which face those who adopt these slightly older children versus infants to one year old?
DeMersPGM@aol.com
Any input?...email and we'll post
Response:
Check out the new book onToddler Adoption As you continue to act as your child's parent he will most likely have not problem distinguishing between friendly caregivers and Mom, BUT -- if your daycare providers will not respond to your concerns and make a good effort to change then you should consider other care options. This is not an easy consideration for a recently placed child - change is often very difficult for the first year or two. You'll want to consider the pros and cons of this carefully.
energyoutlet@continet.com
International adoptions 20 May 97
What would you recommend as a less expensive way to adopt a baby internationally? Also, Also, my husband is 47, and I am 44. Would this rule out a lot of options for us. I'd appreciate anyone's help in this area. Thank you.
Marnie00
Response:
There is no such thing as a less expensive way to adopt internationally that I know about...Your age does not rule you out and you might want to take a look at independent adoptions as well as special needs adoptions.Also look at other ways to decrease adoption costs.
Foreigners adopting abroad, Brazil 20 May 1997
Hi, I am an American resident living in Brazil beginning the process of adopting here. I would like to know if there is anyone else who has went this route for adoption, not just in Brazil, but other countries. It can be quite confusing, as I am dealing with the officials here without an agency or attorney. In addition I do not speak the language fluently. Mainly I would like to hear of other's experiences. Thanks Kris
maryeliz@svn.com.br
Response:
You might want to contact Lois Paul of Help the Children. She has some contacts in Brazil.
Adoption Questions 19 May 97
I am seeking information and help. We are beginning independant proceedings to adopt a black infant and we are white. While we are open to an interracial family and realize many of the issues ahead of us, we are stuck as how to answer the questions facing us during court hearings and homestudies. How do we describe in an understandable way our willingness to acculturate this child? How do we convince a white judge that this beautiful child belongs with us and not in foster care or with another family? Where can we find resources, support and answers? As I said, we are at the very beginnings of this process and at this point are overwhelmed and confused. Any suggestions would be helpful.
sbond@utoledo.edu
Response: 20 May 97
Hi, I read your posting and your question about interracial adoptions. My husband and I have three adopted children. One son is Korean, one son is Cambodian, and our daughter is east Indian. We are caucasian. We are a very interracial family!
Two of our children are finalized and one son arrived only a month ago. During the two finalizations, not once did we have to convince a judge that these children should be ours. Our homestudy was done ahead of time for our son from Korea. In it, it had everything written down how we would incorporate his culture. Our daughter was an independent adoption. The state did the homestudy after she was placed in our home. Not once was race an issue, with either the state social worker or with the judge finalizing her adoption.
Our second son is a fost/adoption. We had our homestudy done before he arrived, and again, race wasn't an issue. His worker and ours both feel that he is in the home he belongs in regardless of his race. We love our kids. Their being different is something we celebrate in our family. I'm sure that the judge you get will feel the same way.
If you are having your homestudy done first, all of this will be in it. Your willingness to adopt a child of a different ethnic group, how you will incorporate the differences into your family, and your love to parent a child. If you are having the homestudy done after placement, it will still be in the written report. The judges that I have heard about are joyful of adoption, and are truly not out to take children away from a loving adoptive home. Besides, a law was passed in Jan of 1997, that states race should not be an issue in an adoption. It was passed to pave the way for more children to be adopted. Good luck with your adoption and hang in there! It can be done!
StubNSlim@aol.com
Response: 21 May 97
Whenever a white family adopts an African American child the adoption becomes public in the sense that it shows. Finding ways to answer questions is important because you will receive many. When your child is a baby your answers will be practice, once your child is old enough to listen, talk and notice (@ 2-3 years) your answers become models for your child.
All children deserve to feel good about themselves and their heritage. I was somewhat confused by your use of the term aculturated. Within your family your child will belong based on family membership, committment and the rituals and feelings that make each of your children (no matter their birth history) a part of the family. This membership will have nothing to do with race. However, once you all step out the door, your child will be identified as African American, based on his or her skin color, not white based on your role as parents. In this racist society all African Americans who want to succeed in the dominant culture must learn how to behave and interact with that dominant culutre (translate white) but that does not lessen or change their need to feel connected and positive about their own heritage and culture. (In fact, because of the negative biases they face, the need to connect may be greater in order to find support and understanding for their experience as well as tactics for coping with it.) This same need will exist for your child. Your job as parents will be to help your child feel connected in your family as well as in his or her culture. This will mean getting to know other adults who are African American and can help you and your child understand the differences between their experiences in the world and yours. Adoption works best when families acknowledge the differences between themselves, not overemphasize it, to the point where children don't feel they belong within the family, but neither underemphasize it in a way that makes children feel they are not being seen for who they are (Shared Fate, H. David Kirk).
In answer to your question about how to convince adoption professionals that this child belongs in your family: be honest. Tell them how you feel and demonstrate your understanding that love is not enough. Plan now to learn and grow in ways that ensure your child won't feel like a minority or anomally in their own life. Let them see that your child's comfort is more important to you than your own comfort. Begin to educate yourself through reading about African American culture and adoption (Pact has a wonderful book list), join Pact to recieve Pact Press, a quarterly magazine addressing issues for adopted children of color, go to conferences on adoption and race, get to know people in your area who are the same race as your child. Be honest with them about your concerns to be the best possible parent to your child, ask for their help.
As a transracial parent to an African American son and Latina daughter, I can tell you that the learning never stops but neither does the growth and richness of expanding and opening our lives to our children. Our children do not question which family they belong in, they are connected to us and we to them with the strongest of bonds. At the same time, true love never takes away. We want our children to have access to all that they are, we want them to feel connected in places that even we will not always feel a part of or welcome in. They deserve it all. Our goal is for them to feel connected everywhere. To be all that they can be.
Good Luck, Beth Hall, Co-founder and director of Pact, An Adoption Alliance.
Adoption: Female age 0 - 3 yrs BI-RACIAL 19 May 97
we are a bi-racial (black/white) couple in search of a female, age 0-3yrs, also bi-racial. This child would be in all sense of the words "special needs" as explained to us in our adoption classes, yet it seems so hard to locate a child. Are there other sources that we can go to? I,m sure that in all of the United States, there must be a child with our description available for adoption. Any/all help that you could give us would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
dluciano@gte.net
Response:
Your best source of information for this, since you live in Tampa, FL is the Florida web site for waiting children.
issues from the position of adoptive parent's - daycare, transitions, interracial families... 19 May 97
I'm interested in getting some feedback on some issues that I've run across, having recently adopted a toddler. To retain my income, I continue to work and utilize local daycare (which is of high quality) three days per week. On these days I visit my son for lunch. He is very lovable and sweet, and many adults ask him to kiss them - even if they are not family or close friends. Since our toddler is so friendly, I'm a bit concerned that he learn soon that he cannot go to anyone, and not feel that he needs to kiss everyone. Aside from that, he is now (and has been for about two months) in a toddler room and will transition to a the preschool room in a couple months. The two principal teachers in his room almost always refer to the children as "my boy", "my love", "my honey", and kiss and hug alot. While I understand the importance of showing affection to little ones, I expressed my concern that I would prefer the teachers refer to my son with his name more often than these pet names. Especially where the possessive word, "my" always precedes the pet name. I thought this might confuse a toddler who has only recently known his new parents who, when they refer to their son as "my love" or "my boy", say this with more meaning than a figure of speech. I think it is reasonable, in a school setting, that the teachers use the child's name more often, especially in this case where the child is still bonding with his parents. I also suggested using something more accurate, such as "my student", rather than something that is said by the parents with an intended long-lasting, deeper meaning. Especially where the toddler is transitioning to a new classroon in a month or two and won't have the same teachers who are now also saying things like "i love you" and "you're my favorite boy". Naturally, he is bonding well with them, but I wonder if this level of affection from temporary teachers will give him reason to question the meaning of "I love you" from his parents.
As a new parent who just adopted a toddler, this is new ground. I would just like confirmation that my request is reasonable and that my sensitivities are inline.
Shawn2amy@aol.com
Response: 27 May 97
Friendly Toddlers
I, too, have a VERY friendly toddler. It's reassurring to me to see her so comfortable with other people at an age when so many other kids are clingy. But I will admit there have been some concerns about this too. There is a great article in the June/July issue of Parenting magazine on just this issue: "Outward Bound" by Jacquelyn Mitchard, on p. 81-82.
Can't help much with the daycare issues... sorry!
SHSHome@aol.com
Your input welcomed. Please email and we'll post.
adoption without agency 19 May 97
Also, is it possible to do an adoption without using an agency?
Erin Lightle
XTWEET@aol.com
Yes, you can do an indepedent adoption.
Slovenia 19 May 97
Dear Sir/Madam,
we are a couple from Slovenia ( Europe) and we are interested in adopting a child. We are both 28 years old and without children. Cene is a lawyer and Eva is a teacher in Primary School. We would like to know wheather there is a chance to adopt child from abroad. How long approximately do we need to wait and what is the procedure? Our legislation allows to adopt a baby from abroad but we would like to know wheather foreign legislation allows that and from which countries. Please contact and help us on a matter.
cene.grcar@pop-tv.si
Anyone with information on this?
adoption 19 May 97
Can someome please help us? We have adopted two wonderful children and feel very blessed, but we have always wanted a large family. This seems an impossible dream with adoption. Most birthmothers want their baby to be an only child,which I can understand but having siblings could be just as great or even better. The other thing is the expenses . After the adoption bills for our first two we cannot afford to many adoption expenses. Does anyone know of a way to adopt that is not so expensive? Any help with our problems will be greatly appreciated. Thanks,
ecowater@ricochet.net
The easiest way to adopt a sibling group or a special needs child is to call your local adoption agency which is usually located in the government pages either in the front or back of your phone directory or sometimes in the yellow pages, too--sometimes listed under Dept of Human Services or Dept of Social Services. You should also be eligible to receive a subsidy for these kinds of adoptions
adoption 19 May 97
What would be the best way to adopt for a loving couple that has spent their savings on infertility specialists.
RHdement@aol.com
See some of the ways of cutting down on the costs of adoption.
my 5 year old daughter from Russia 19 May 97
We adopted our 5 year old, 4 mo ago and know we are going back to get her older sister 6 1/2. Kristen has been hard bur loving and bonded quickly to me, mother. Help! this is a lot harder than I thought it would be. She has been tested to be a developmental age of 3 with communication skills of 18 mo -26mo. She is very strong willed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. By the way, we adopted her from Vologda Russia 4 mo ago from a what seemed to be a nice child oriented baby house. She is also very sweet and loving and very attached to me(mother) but every day is a fight, a struggle. I try to get her out of the street, she goes right back in and smiles at me. No is her favorate word, and she speaks to me sharply half the time. I say "You be nice" and she comes back with a stern voice "YOU BE NICE". She kicks the cabinet, we ask her not to and she continues with a smile, next a warning of a time out - on the way to time out, she has an intense tantrum. I woukd just like to know the healthiest way to deal with these issues. Thank you
Response: 21 May 97
I read your post. I have two children who were older romanian adoptees. I also read the response post. Althought I am not an expert, attachment disorder may apply but it also may not. You only have been with the child for 4 months. But more important she has only been with you for a small fraction of her life. They say that there is a "honeymoon period" in adoptions where the children are very good and then real life starts. We never had a "honeymoon period", most likely because I knew the children. First you need to look at what you have put the child thru. >From our perspective it seems like it would be a wonderful change for the child. In reality we have taken away all the childs safety nets, security and infact their life as they know it. Imagine if you saw other children with homes, perents ect. and you didn't have them. Someone offers all of it to you but you have to leave everything and go with them to Pluto. All you've ever know you must leave behind and go to a place you know nothing about. Not only do you see a lot of new people before you go, when you get there the language, food, bed, water, smells, and even the air is different. As wonderful as adoption is, to help our children we must be realistic about what we are actually asking our children to do. Your child has lived her first five years with no one to teach her all the things you would have taught her from birth. You are not dealing with a five year old. She sounds more like a two - three year old. She is testing you - welcome to parenting - it never stops! Also alot of behavior come from communication problems (which could be anything from a new language (how would you like to be in Russia for four months with no knowledge and no translator) to articulation problems to not being able to find the right words). My suggustions, which worked with my children - but all children are different - are: first do not treat her as if she is a 5 yr old treat her as a two/three year old with all the limits and attention you would give a child of that age. She may also be having trouble with stimulas from her surrounding. Second, do all those things you would do with a child from birth to three - she needs nurturing and catch up time. She needs it from her new family. Third, set firm limits and prioritise things in order of what you see as important. You must help her with her behaviors. When she has a tantrum, put her in a safe place and let her go for it - don't try to stop it, if you do it will probable will not be over and may end up being worse. She is frustrated and doesn't know how else to act. She will have to learn how to control herself but you will need to teach her approprate ways to act which don't hurt her, others of break anything. When she is doing something that you don't allow, tell her "we don't do this" and redirect her. Try not to use "you". It's the action not her you are upset with. I also tell my child to act nice so others will want to play with them (ie:nice hands, hands down) and "would you want to play with someone who did _____ to you?". Most inportant and the most difficult, she will learn from you and how you act especially when you are upset (not that it is not ok to be upset - I've lost it one in 3 1/2 yrs). You need to watch what you do and how you do it. Be aware of what you are doing and acting when she gets upset. My daughters are worst if I am upset by their actions or not aware of how things are going to affect them. You will teach her more with patience and life won't be such a struggle. You may also want to put her in preschool, if she is not already there. Place her in developementally approprate class, in a school that wants her (explain her situation - any good school with good teachers will be happy to have her and help her) and in a school were she will feel safe and secure (ie: too noise, not enough structure ect). My daughter was 11 years old and was in a three year old class. She will learn from the children alot of things you can't teach her, she won't be frustrated because of language or inability to do things, her behavbior should improve, she won't be in a situation were older, mature children can set her up for problems and her first 100 words will not include all the four letter amercian swear words! Barney is wonderful for children - mostly music and little language barrier. He helped my 11 year old talk! Best wishes. Sorry for the length of this.
catherine (catherine.nielsen@nsc.com)
Response: 20 May 1997
5 yr old Russian daughter
Your daughter sounds like one of ours. We adopted a sibling group of 4 last year. You need to find out all you can about attachment disorder. There is a center in Colorado that has a web page with lots of info. Their address is http://www.Attachmentcenter.org/index.htm. I hope this helps and good luck! Barbara C.
exexxon@sktc.net
Adoption Fees/Surrogacy 19 May 97
Hi, my name is Lisa Pate. My husband & I have been married for 3 years in July. We have been trying to start a family for 2 years now. Unfortunately, God has not blessed us with a child of our own. We have talked with each other about adoption, however, we would love to have a child that has my husbands characteristics & traits. We are new to the idea of surrogate mothering, but that is a very possible option. The main problem we have is that we do not have $10,000 saved up for a baby. We have cried & prayed and asked God to help us make a decision about what to do. We're needing information about costs & how long the process would take ( if it would be quicker to adopt over seas or wait for an American child ) ... We need any help that we can get. Please, any help or information would be greatly appreciated! If any of you have any suggestions or options that we can do, please e-mail me at ... --- as soon as possible.
rbilbrey@flash.net
Response:
Check out all the possibilities first. For Surrogacy, contact some of the following:
Linda Nunez (She does adoptions as well)
VGME
The American Surrogacy Center
For information on adoption, check our main index page. International adoptions tend to be quite expensive, but you can be a little more flexible with independent adoptions. Also, consider the possibility of giving a home to a waiting child or a sibling group.
Information 19 May 97
Hi, my name is Evelyn I have some questions about adoption: 1- Maximun age limit for adoptive parents?
2- The average age of the childrens?
3- Cost involved in adoption procedures?
4- How long is the procedure?
We live in Arizona, thank you for any information that you can provide to us.
yunque@sprintmail.com
Reponse:
You don't mention what kind of adoption you want. The age limit depends on the agency or the country, if you're adopting internationally. If you're doing independent adoption, there is no age limit, per se.
Children waiting for adoption also vary from infants (minority and special needs) through teens. The cost can range from nothing for a county adoption of a special needs child, up to tens of thousands of dollars for indepedent or international adoptions. The procedure can take from a few months to a few years, again depending on the type of adoption done.
Russia/Germany Adoptions 19 May 97
Hello. I am pursuing a single parent adoption and am just about dne with my home study. I have just begun spending time "surfing the Net" looking for any and all information I can find. My specific question right now relare to Russia and Germany. There seem to be a wide range of agencies that have an Adoption program with Russia. I know of a single woman that adopted an infant from Russia and picked up her daughter in July 1997. Yet, I have so far been unable to determine with any certainty if a program currently exists with Russia that continues to allow single parents.
Question 1: Does Russia allow single parent adoption and what agencies provide that service. (I live in Michigan.)
Question 2: I have a very strong German background (parents are 100% german, have relatives there, speak the language, visit every few years, etc., and am very interested in adopting a child from that country. Is this possible? Where would you suggest I start?
Thank you for your help. Please reply to EllyStark@aol.com.
Response:
Yes, singles may adopt from Russia. Check out the following:
Adoption Associates
Frost International Adoption
Global Adoption
Universal Aid for Children
International Adoption 12 May 97
We are a couple strongly interested in adopting a healthy infant. Since one of us has a dual citizenship (Polish and American), it might be easier to adopt from Poland. Is it legal to advertise for a baby on the Polish Internet? Also, please let us know if you'd advise to begin the process ourselves--without a lawyer or an adoptive agency. I think this would save a great deal of money that could be put into the child's future funds. Since I am fluent in the Polish language, communication with the Polish adoption bureaus will not be an obstacle. Thank you for your assistance. Please respond to gpip50@aol.com
Response:15 May 97
I adopted from Romania and did most of the work myself with help from some wonderful romanians. In my opinion, you are asking for trouble trying to do the adoption without a lawyer or agency. You need to have an agency in the US do a homestudy specifically for international adoptions, for one thing. Second, you have no idea how much work there is in an adoption. You must meet the adoption laws in two countries. All those i's need to be doted and the t's crossed! There are alot of problems you can run into both legal and moral. Any good adoption agency deserves all the money they request. They have alot of people working for you. Also, some agencys use part of the money from an adoption for programs in that country. This helps the children which are not adopted. I ended up using one agency in my area, a second US agency in Romania and two romanian lawyers. If you adopt a healthy infant, you have alot of time to save for their future. It would be great if the adoptions cost less, but don't we all expect to get paid for the work we do - this is what the money is for besides fees, ect. Best wishes. Catherine
nielsen@scmm05.nsc.com
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