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Editor's Note: In her book, Adoption Wisdom, Dr. Russell honors the voices of people who have lived the adoption experience. She assembles these voices with clinical wisdom to illuminate the complex issues of adoption. We have selected a few examples for our readers.
Integrating Infertility and Adoption "I can't imagine not having my boys. They have felt as if they were ours from the very beginning. Still, there have been times when I couldn't help but wonder how they would have been different if we had given birth to them."
Adoptive parent
"My daughter is now pregnant with her first child. I can give her love and support and I'm so happy for her, but I will never share the childbirth experience with her."
Adoptive parent
Infertility is an issue that will weave its way through the lifetime of an adoptive parent. Sometimes people are caught off guard by the timing or degree of feelings about infertility issues. Being able to acknowledge one's feelings about infertility is important. "When I saw a baby, I would think about how old our baby would have been had he lived. Even though I miscarried, I still can feel the effects of our lost child".
Adoptive parent
"Phantom" children can be very loud and present in people's lives. It is virtually impossible to forget having a child or having difficulty conceiving a child. Acknowledging these facts and experiences allows healing to take place. Respecting these losses honors the people and souls who have had such impact on one's life regardless of the amount of actual contact. To ignore or deny these losses can lead to trying to replace the lost person or halting the necessary grieving process. "The first time I saw him I felt I'd burst! And the first time I held him I knew I was in love and bonded with him forever. You forget that you weren't pregnant (although I admit I regret I never had that experience) and instead are so grateful that someone else was and had the generosity of heart to bestow this incredible gift on you."
Adoptive parent
The losses and gains in adoption are very near to each other and sometimes acknowledging one brings up the other. Being honest about one's feelings and allowing oneself the time to feel their impact is healing.
Second Choice for All
"We tried to get pregnant for four years. It never occurred to us that it would be so hard. We went through all the infertility treatments and got totally burned out both emotionally and financially. It took us a while to get used to the idea of adoption, but when we sat down and really talked about whether we wanted to raise a child, we agreed that we still wanted to. That was when we started finding out about adoption."
Adoptive parent
"If I had my choice, I would choose not to be an adoptee. I would choose to be born into a biological family that celebrated my birth. I would choose to have a mother who wanted me and could love me unconditionally."
Adoptee
"I never wanted to surrender my baby. I really thought that my parents would be there for me and that they would help me raise my daughter. I was stunned and hurt when they sent me to the home for unwed mothers. But even in the home, I believed that I would keep my child. I still can't get over the fact that I signed those papers and that somebody I don't know is raising my child."
Birth mother
Adoption is a second choice for all the triad members. People do not expect to grow up, get married, and adopt a child. Likewise, a person does not expect to grow up, get pregnant, and give her child to strangers to raise. It is also expected that families will retain their kinship ties and grow up knowing their biological relatives. "I know I was better off having been adopted. I don't always like being an adoptee, but I've learned a lot and I'm a stronger person because of it."
Adoptee
Adoption as a second choice does not necessarily mean that adoption is less than or not as good as non-adoption choices. Taking an alternative path can sometimes lead to amazing experiences and growth that would not have been possible had the original road been taken.
Pain
Pain is a very real part of adoption. The pain of adoption is sometimes overlooked by triad members and other people. It is expected that adoption is a happy event in which everyone gets their needs met and everything works out for the best. As wonderful as adoption can be, there will also be some painful feelings. "Sometimes I'm in so much pain I don't know what to do. I just want to forget that it happened. I want to get on with my life and not be so sad and depressed."
Birth parent
Once the pain of adoption is acknowledged, it can be understood and the healing process can begin. You cannot heal something you do not admit exists. Acknowledging the pain can be as simple as allowing yourself to feel sad and not judging yourself for your feelings.
Bonding v. Attachment
"I have two very special relationships with my two mothers. I thank my birth mother for giving me life and loving me those nine months we were together. I love my adoptive mother for caring for me as only a mother could--being there when I was sick, sad, or needed a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. One relationship is not better than the other or more important to me. I needed both of them."
Adoptee
Bonding is a biological process. It begins in utero between a pregnant woman and her unborn child, and continues during the period shortly after the baby's birth. Attachment is a separate process that occurs after birth, outside the womb. Biological mothers are the only ones who bond with their babies. All others, including biological fathers and other relatives--and adoptive parents--form attachments to their infants and children. Each kind of relationship is crucial to the well-being of the adoptee.
Biological v. Adoptive Parenting
"My parents always told my brother and me that love, not biology, makes a family. But I have always been curious about my birth family. I have questions that only they can answer."
Adoptee
Love does indeed make a family. But biology matters, especially to the adoptee. Sometimes adoptive parents have a difficult time accepting and understanding the meaning of biology for the adoptee. Respecting the importance of the birth family in the adoptee's life allows the adoptee to embrace all that he or she is.
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