Home
When people first discover that I am a single parent with nine children, 7 of whom are teenagers or young adults, I am inevitably asked the question, "How do you DO it?" My answer is always the same: with gratitude for great friends and a good health insurance policy, with unbounded optimism, and strictly one day at a time. My friends help me keep my sanity. My health insurance helps keep the endless stream of doctors and dentists more or less paid, and my own eternal optimism helps me "keep the faith" under the most adverse circumstances (usually financial). In other words, "dumb luck."
After years of enjoying teaching, I came to parenting through adoption with my eyes wide with wonder, my heart filled with excitement, and a mind set on being the very best parent any child could possibly have. Almost twenty years and nine children later, my eyes are still wide (and more watchful), my heart still full (on overload?), and I now fully understand/ endorse the notion of "the good enough mother" rather than the "best" one.
Parenting has not always been the picnic I naively envisioned. Rather, it has been something like a smorgasbord, providing many choices with a variety of outcomes, some predictable, most unpredictable.
When I adopted my first child, a toddler-aged son, I had such dreams for him! We traveled, visited museums, and soaked up children's theater, the ballet, and even an opera or two. We also built with Lego, learned from Sesame Street, played card games and board games with gusto, and enjoyed countless picture and story books at bedtime. My son seemed happy and involved. I was walking on air (and was a bit smug) with the "rightness" of my choice.
Eager to return to the "table" for a "second helping," I was (uncharacteristically) more cautious. Secretly I worried that nothing could equal my first trip to the wonderful adoption smorgasbord. However, when my daughter joined the family, she was a delight -- a matching bookend, I thought, for her brother, and I proceded to work twice as hard to be all things to my precocious toddlers. Imagine my shock to discover that 1+1 did NOT always equal 2, but instead, some multiple just beyond my reach! So we traveled less, gave up most of our forays into the city, played fewer games (even those we played often went unfinished or ended in frustration), and frequently all fell asleep curled up on one of the beds during nightly storyhours.
One of the problems of any smorgasbord is the temptation to keep returning for more. Although I felt content with my family, it seemed that everywhere I turned I saw children in need of permanency --from the pages of OURS Magazine to the daily newspaper to the "Wednesday's Child" features on TV and the poignant advertisements telling of the desperate need for fostercare families. Certainly we had the room for more? I contacted our state protective services program and was soon approved as a foster home. The same night that the state caseworker was conducting her final home visit, the agency that had placed my first two children called and asked if I would consider the placement of an 11-year-old girl who needed a new family after a first placement had failed. Her family had really wanted an 11 month old, not an 11-year old after all. So two became four in short order when both my new daughter and a 13-month-old baby boy, identified by the state worker as a high risk, preadoptive placement, joined the family in a four week span of time. My plate was full, for sure, but not yet overflowing and I relished my new role.
However, with four children, ages 1, 5, 6, and 11, I needed to regroup and reevaluate my goals and approaches to most activities of daily living if I were to preserve my sanity and accomplish anything at all. As luck would have it, my newest daughter proved to be a God-send in more ways than one. Her own need to be indispensable (so as never again to be abandoned by anyone) coupled with her natural gift for organization bailed me out just as our family ship was about to be swamped. As a "quick learn," I managed to master most of her step-saving, time-saving technqiues around the house in enough time to decommision her from her comfortable role as "mother's helper" and concentrate on giving her the childhood she had never had.
As we worked to become a family, life was full and satisfying. We had the normal share of triumphs and crises on all fronts, and I no longer saw my role as that of one who could be all things to all my children. In many ways, I felt freed from the unrealistic burden I had previously shouldered with pride. Of necessity, I opted for a "one-day-at-a-time" philosophy and found that it suited us just fine.
About this time I began to consider the benefits of establishing more permanent place for us to live, and starting househunting with a vengence. My main priority was four bedrooms and an adequate playroom, and I quickly found exactly the house that could meet our needs. Mortgage rates were the lowest they had been in years, and I immediately applied. I was about to take the big step from renter to home-owner, but something deep inside was holding me back...the smorgasbord, perhaps?
As I waited out the 8-12 weeks it would take for the bank to render its decision, I was increasingly unnerved by my own indecision. Taking on the responsibility of a house was a big step...and one which meant that my family size would be pretty much defined by the limits of space. My discomfort grew with each passing week. Then the call came. Would I be able to accept the placement of a little girl, 18 months old? Would I? Of course I would! My reaction was a mixture of joy...and relief.
With my daughter came the realization that purchasing a house would prove more limiting than helpful---a stretch in logic for any accountant, I am sure---but one which in the long run, proved correct, as six, seven, eight, and finally nine children joined the family. When my mortgage finally came through, I backed out of my commitment, a few dollars poorer, but greatly relieved.
Today we live in a fairly new, seven-bedroom home (rented) on a mountaintop in a beautiful neighborhood with fine schools. The yard is spacious---perfect for volleyball or a softball game during a backyard barbecue with fifty teenagers! In another few years, when all but three are in or out of college, I plan to buy a smaller house in the community---three or four bedrooms (and along with several convertible couches) should suit us just fine. I've made my last trip to the smorgasbord; I feel full and satisfied. I'm looking forward to the days when our meals are more of the "pot luck" variety, when each of my children brings home his or her own special contribution to the table!
Email Page to a Friend | Feedback | Adoption | Adoption Wiki | Parent Profiles | Infertility | Adoption Information
© Adopting.org 1995-2009. This site should not substitute personal professional, legal, or medical advice. The accuracy and personal applicability of this information is not guaranteed. By using it you agree to the terms of service, including jurisdiction and limitation of liability provisions.
