Roots & Wings Adoption Magazine
Roots & Wings Adoption Magazine
HELP! Mastering Bad Feelings
by Barb4@aol.com
The information superhighway. A "hot topic" accused of many things from time-hog to public pillory. But without a doubt, there are some nuggets of wisdom and real friendships to be made over the net. As a subscriber to our-kids@tbag.osc.edu---a support group for parents with handicapped kids available to on-line subscribers---I received a response from a writer who shared with me how she, personally, responded to the frustrations of raising a handicapped child. I was struck by her honesty. She mirrored so many of my own frustrations. She allowed me to set aside my feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and gave me permission to feel my darker feelings and validate my responses to them.
Although having nothing to do with adoption per se, I could see how Barbara's words applied to many situations in which we feel out of control. Parenting is one. Trying to become a parent is another. Thus, I asked for permission to share her personal response with you. Some readers who are raising challenged kids may find it directly appropriate. But I suspect that most of you will find a place, deep within you, where Barbara's words will touch a responsive chord. ---Editor
Parenting can be difficult, even under the best of circumstances. Frustrations are normal. I have them with my non-disabled children and even more with my disabled child. And of course, parenting a disabled child requires more of everything...more patience, more support, more love, more time, more effort, more energy, more knowledge, more, more, more! If we don't know that---we quickly learn that. What surprises all of us however, is the anger we feel towards everyone and the anger we often feel towards our child. We aren't supposed to be angry with our children; they can't help it. They are the victims of their disability. But let's face it. This is not a made-for-TV-production. This is real life here. And parenting a disabled child seems so unfair to us at times.
I wouldn't assume to offer solutions to handling your own situation. But what I can do is tell you some of the things I've done to help me handle the frustration and the unfairness when it threatens to bring me down.
1) I drive in the car and yell at the top of my lungs. I've even had my kids in the car and told them we were having a contest to see who could yell the loudest ,and we all scream. Yes, we get some really weird looks, but darn, if we don't feel great afterwards, and exhausted, too. Letting it out can really wear you down!
2) I turn the music up full blast and sing and dance. I grab one of my kids (my 15 year old, of course, just rolls her eyes at me and says, "Mom-m-m-m-mmm, really-y-y-y-yyy!") and dance with them. I don't know if you can do that with your child, but like screaming, it allows me to have a physical release of pent-up energy.
3) I take a hot shower and cry---I mean cry. Not this weepy, sissy stuff. I really let it go. Big, heaving, sobbing, gonna-throw-up-my-stomach-hurts-so-much crying.
4) I take a walk around the block (pushing two kids in a stroller) UP a hill, and sweat like a pig.
5) I clean my house like a maniac. I move furniture to clean dust balls under everything. My husband says he knows when I've really been frustrated. Our house is absolutely spotless.
6) I call a friend and say I'm having a bad day. I tell her to discard every word she hears as soon as we hang up and then I tell her how much I hate everything. I know it will pass, and she knows it will pass, and so we just complain about everything together. Bad life, bad husband, bad kids, bad hair day, and so on.
7) I get on the Internet and go to the jokes bulletin boards. This doesn't really help much, but I'm reaching here.
I think you get the gist here. Take a BREAK! You need to find an outlet to release your anger. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll begin to feel better. Of course, this doesn't mean you won't have moments when you absolutely still get angry and frustrated. But you will be able to handle the feelings better if you can find an outlet to free you from the trap you're in. Some things never change. But you can.
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