Open Adoption...how open should it be?

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open adoption--how open should it be...

From: concerned adoptive parents
Date: 06 Mar 2000
Time: 11:30:16

Comments

We have adopted children in closed and open adoptions and through our experiences it is no contest which is better! Closed is definately the way to go!!!! Open adoption was so emotionally and mentally draining that it ultimately affected the children. In the beginning we thought we were doing the more "loving thing" by building a close relationship with the birthmother. We had frequent visits both at our home and the bithmom's. We did things a lot of things together. We treated our relationship with the birthparents as another extended family. It was exciting at first, but it soon led to our feeling like we were babysitters, not entitled to being the "real parents". We found ourselves putting the birthparents needs before ours and then feeling a resentment afterwards. We later tried to establish more reasonable arrangements for openness such as twice a year visits (of the birthmom's choice)and unlimited letters and pictures. This didn't go over very well and after 4 years of tears and headaches, we took control of our lives by ending the visits. We now do a yearly update letter and that is all. We feel that agencies that claim it is best to have openness are misinforming potential adoptive parents on purpose in order to have a higher number of birthmoms placing through their agency. We are not against the update letters or visits before placement or even at the placement.

Visits before and at placement helped us to know what kind of history the children had and allowed us to feel initial entitlement to be the parents. The newsletter has been okay for us to do, but to the birthmom's we have seen recieve them (we housed 6 unwed, expectant mothers that placed children), they have not been a good idea. Each of the girls that lives with us said they find it harder to move on with their own lives while being reminded yearly of the children they placed. They say it hurts to see the children grow and experience life without them. When I asked them if they would ever ask that the updates end- they said that since they have the choice and the child will know they had a choice, they feel too guilty not to take what they can get. They view it as showing the child one day of how much they loved him/her by recieving and saving all that they can. We have one biological child and 4 children who were adopted by us. Our love is the same for all of them. We feel very blessed. We adopted one child as an infant and the rest as older children. Hind sight and experience in talking with many birthmoms over the years has led us to believe that a meeting or meetings prior to adoption and updates that first year, are best.

No exchange of names or other identifying information and no pictures. That way the adoptive parents would feel entitled to be the "real parents" as even the laws veiw them. It would also allow the birthmoms to feel good about their decision and be able to grieve and move on. We beleive there are many unhappy people living with open adoption. The shows we see focus on the "honeymoon period" when everything is new. Future adoptive parents need to know that open adoption feels like a divorce, complete with the previous wife and her new husband. Read about lives of divorced coulples and choose openness or closed adoption based on whether or not you feel that is in the childs best interest. Make an informed decision! Our last adoption felt no different than had we been given the children biologically because it was a closed adoption. We were pressured by the agency to have it be open and we were even told that we had a slim chance of getting children because all we were willing to do was yearly update letters. In this adoption the history of the children was filled with abuse and neglect and we didn't want to put our children more at risk with a meeting of their "old families" (that's what our children refer to them as). This has been the easiest adoption ever and it was a sibling group of two. The children bonded quickly with us and we haven't felt any stress. It is so fantastic that I have wanted to share the joy of closed adoption with everyone!!! My definition of closed adoption- No visits, phone calls, letters, or any other contact after placement. We talk openly of adoption in our home. Our children are all doing great! If the children feel a need to search for their "Old families" when they are at the age of adulthood (21) then we will support them, and we will make sure they understand what problems they may encounter as well. So far, none of our children has ever even hinted to have that desire. We have always been completely truthful with them so we feel they don't have any unanswered questions that bother them. We also have a full medical history on each one.