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Pregnancy causes many changes, both physical and emotional. It can be a very confusing time for a woman, even in the best of circumstances. Talking to a counselor about your options might help. But how do you start?
This factsheet gives you, the birth mother, information about counseling and adoption. It addresses many questions you might have:
If you want more information on these adoption issues, or any others, please contact Adopt: Assistance, Information Support or the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC)
Who Can I Talk to About My Options?
If you want to talk to a professional about your options, there are different places you can go. Counseling at the places listed below will be free or cost very little.
No matter where you go for counseling, a counselor should always treat you with respect and make you feel good about yourself. A counselor may have strong feelings about adoption, abortion, and parenting a child. In order to make up your own mind, it is important for you to get clear answers from your counselor to three questions that will help you choose the best option.
If you are not happy with the answers you get, you may wish to find a counselor at another place. NAIC can tell you about crisis pregnancy centers and adoption agencies in each State, and can also help you find other counseling agencies in your area.
Questions you should ask are:
Have I explored all possibilities?
Pregnancy can affect your feelings and emotions. Are you only thinking about adoption because you have money problems, or because your living situation is difficult? These problems might be temporary. Have you called Social Services to see what they can do, or asked friends and family if they can help? If you have done these things and still want adoption, you will feel more content with your decision.
Will the adoptive parents take good care of my child?
Prospective adoptive parents are carefully screened and give a great deal of information about themselves. They are visited in their home several times by a social worker and must provide personal references. They are taught about the special nature of adoptive parenting before an adoption takes place. By the time an agency has approved adoptive parents for placement, they have gotten to know them very well, and feel confident they would make good parents. This does not promise that they will be perfect parents, but usually decent people who really want to care for children.
Will my child wonder why I placed him (or her) for adoption?
Probably. But adoption in the 1990's is probably a lot different from what it was when you were growing up. Most adopted adults realize that their birth parents placed them for adoption out of love, and because it was the best they knew how to do. Hopefully your child will come to realize that a lot of his or her wonderful traits come from you. And if you have an open adoption (see next page), it is likely that you will be able to explain to the child why you chose adoption.
Why am I placing my child for adoption?
If your answer is because it is what you, or you and your partner think is best, then it is a good decision. Now it is time to move forward, and not feel guilty.
What Are the Different Types of Adoption?
There are two types of adoptions, confidential and open.
Talk to your counselor about the type of adoption that is best for you. Do you want to help decide who adopts your child? Would you mind if a single person adopted your child, or a couple of a different race than you? Would you like to be able to share medical information with your child's family that may only become known in the future?
If you have strong feelings about these things, work with an agency or attorney who you feel will listen to what you want.
If you do not have strong feelings about these things, the adoption agency or attorney will decide who adopts your child based on who they think can best care for the child.
How Do I Arrange an Adoption Through an Agency?
In all States, you can work with a licensed child placing (adoption) agency. In many States, you can also work directly with an adopting couple or their attorney without using an agency. Private adoption agencies arrange most infant adoptions. To find private adoption agencies in your area, either contact NAIC or look in the yellow pages of your local phone book under "Adoption Agencies."
There are several types of private adoption agencies. Some are for profit and some are nonprofit. Some work with prospective adoptive parents of a particular religious group, though they work with birth parents of all religions.
When you contact adoption agencies, ask the social workers as many questions as you need to ask so that you understand the agencies' rules. Some questions you will want to ask are :
The agency social worker will ask you questions to find out some information about you and the baby's father, such as your medical histories, age, race, physical characteristics, whether you have been to see a doctor since you became pregnant, whether you have been pregnant or given birth before, and whether you smoked cigarettes, took any drugs, or drank any alcohol since you became pregnant. The social worker asks these questions so that the baby can be placed with parents who will be fully able to care for and love the baby, not so that she can turn you down.
How Do I Arrange a Private Adoption?
An adoption arranged without an adoption agency is called an independent or private adoption. It is legal in many but not all States. With a private adoption, you need to find an attorney to represent you. Look for an attorney who will not charge you a fee if you decide not to place your baby for adoption. You also need to find adoptive parents. Here's how you find both of these.
To Find an Attorney
Legal Aid
This is a service available in most communities for people who cannot afford a private attorney. Sometimes it is located at a university law school. Note: Some States allow the adopting parents to pay your legal fees, so going to Legal Aid may not be necessary.
State Attorney Association or the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys
These groups can refer you to an attorney who handles adoptions in your area. Contact NAIC for the address and telephone number of your State attorney association. You can contact the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys at P.O. Box 33053, Washington, DC 20033-0053.
To Find Adoptive Parents
If you would like to see some resumes of prospective adoptive parents, click here.
For a list of attorneys and agencies which work with people across the USA, click here.
Personal Ads
Some newspapers carry personal ads from people seeking to adopt. You call the number in the ad and get to know each other over the telephone. If you think you want to work with the couple, have your attorney call their attorney. The attorneys will work out all the arrangements according to what you and the adoptive parents want and the laws of your State.
Your Doctor
He or she may know about couples who are seeking a child, and be able to help arrange the adoption.
Adoptive Parent Support Groups
Parents who have already adopted may know other people seeking to adopt.
Of course, personal referrals are always good. Ask friends and family if they know any attorneys or possible adoptive parents.
What If My Baby Is a Child of Color?
There are some special considerations if your baby is a child of color, such as African American, Hispanic, or Native American. Many adoption agencies try to place children of color with a family where at least one of the adoptive parents is the same race as the child. However, sometimes not a lot of families of color are waiting to adopt. This is because people of color sometimes do not know that there are babies available for adoption, or they may feel uncomfortable about the formal adoption process.
Unfortunately, this means that some agencies may not be as welcoming to you as they could be. They are afraid that they will not find a family for your child right away. Your child might have to be placed in a foster home until a permanent family can be found.
There are some adoption agencies that specialize in finding families for children of color. They work very hard to let their communities know that children of color are available for adoption. They also try to make the adoption process less confusing and complicated.
Also, be aware that there are still some adoption agencies that do not have policies about placing children with families of the same race. You may wish to work with one of these.
Contact Pact, an adoption resource specializing in working with families of color.
How Do I Arrange for Future Contact With My Child If I Want It?
If you decide on a confidential adoption, you may still wish to make sure that your child can contact you in the future. There are things you can do now to make that happen.
Many people who are adopted as children later want to meet their birth parents. They have to figure out a way to get around State laws that will not allow them to see their own original birth certificates. Because of these problems, many States, and some private national organizations, have set up adoption registries to help people find one another.
A registry works like this: You leave the information about the birth of the child and your address and telephone number. You must keep your address and telephone number current. You can register at any time, even years after the child is born.
When your child is an adult, he or she can call or write this registry. If what the child knows about his or her birth matches what the registry has, the registry will release your current address and telephone number to the child, and you could be contacted.
There is another way to ensure that your child can contact you if he or she wishes. Some adoption agencies and attorneys who arrange private adoptions will hold a letter in their file in which you say why you chose adoption and how to get in touch with you if the child ever wants to. If the agency or attorney that you are working with will not agree to do this, you may wish to work with somebody else. You can also choose an open adoption.
There are several national organizations that offer ongoing advice and support to birth parents, information about contact and reunion with their children, and many other things. People in these organizations have already gone through what you are going through. They will be very helpful and understanding if you need someone to talk to. These organizations or we here at NAIC can refer you to a group near you.
ORGANIZATIONS FOR BIRTH PARENTS
Concerned United Birthparents
2000 Walker Street
Des Moines, IA 50317
(800) 822-2777 or
(515) 263-9558
American Adoption Congress
1000 Connecticut Ave., N.W.
Suite 9
Washington, DC 20036
(202) 483-3399
International Soundex Reunion Registry
P.O. Box 2312
Carson City, NV 89702
(775) 882-7755
by National Adoption Information Clearinghouse (NAIC)
at naic@calib.com
.
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