A struggle to conceive a child?

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by Darla Eileen Ellinger
Email: shalyn@wazoo.com
(edited by:Sandra Lenington)

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I wonder... should infertility be called "A struggle to conceive a child?" or "A blessing in disguise?"

Someone told me that when you are faced with infertility it was because the Lord knew that you were strong enough to make your dream of having the children and family you so badly want a reality... that others may not keep up that great fight, or have the passionate desire to find a way to build their family, but may passively accept that they would not have children and find other ways to fulfill their lives.

While going through the struggles of infertility, you're sure that infertility is no blessing--in disguise or otherwise!

We endured four years of my counting the calender, using a temperature chart, laying flat on my back for fear that those tiny little sperm may not be able to attach, more tears than you could count and four surgeries before we had our "miracle." Weighing in at six pounds and eleven ounces, with dark hair, she was the prettiest baby I had ever seen! The nurses and staff at the hospital must have known the joy that she was bringing us. The delivery floor was filled with friends and family! They pushed the baby right into the waiting room! Ny brother is blind, and the nurses handed her to him like he was the father! The hospital staff rejoiced with us. This little gift had all of us in tears. We had all waited such a very long time for her! She was so much more than I could have imagined. She filled every empty feeling I had.

It seemed like the more I loved her, the more the depression and guilt took over! I had prayed for so long that "If the Lord would bless me with one healthy child, and a little girl, I would never ask for another thing!" I would get myself so worked up about what ifs? What if... I began to question how I could pray to bring her into the world knowing that we would probably never be able to give her a brother or sister! It seems if you can decide that you will have an only child, then it was your choice. Not having that choice is devastating to me. Our little miracle is the happiest baby. She has brought so much joy to our entire family. She is the greatest gift of all! I am going to give her a brother or sister! We are far from rich, and every surgery was an expense we couldn't afford... medical insurance doesn't cover infertility! I was determined to have a brother or sister for her. I started the surgeries all over again. Jody was so good about anything I needed to do, but having surgery would make him question me about ever being satisfied. I know he tried to understand and be supportive, but it was hard for him.

I had another surgery. I had been counting the calendar over and over. I was overdue. It was Christmas day! Jody, Shalyn and I had moved in with my mom for the holidays. Everything was closed and I couldn't buy a pregnancy test until the next day! I would be panicked every month that I wouldn't be able to buy a pregnancy test in enough time, before I would start my cycle all over again. The thrill of doing a pregnancy test, regardless of the results, made me feel that I was one step closer to having a baby! The day after Christmas, I woke up early, ran off to the bathroom to check,...no blood! I got Jody and Shalyn up. "We have to hurry," I cried. "I want to get a pregnancy test. I haven't started yet!" We stopped at the first store where I could buy a pregnancy test. I was so excited, I couldn't wait to get home to do the test! So I made Jody stop at McDonalds. He ordered the food while I rushed to the bathroom.

Jody never showed any real excitement. He told me later that he was afraid if he did, then my feelings would be hurt because I would think he wanted a baby and I couldn't give him one. He said he was happy we had one child! If we never had another, that was fine with him!

I will never forget. I was a young girl in McDonald's bathroom...holding a pregnency test, crying and so happy! There was an older lady in the restroom with me. She said, "Honey, are you OK?" All I could say was, "I am pregnant! Oh, I am pregnant!" When I walked out of the bathroom, Jody and Shalyn were sitting right there, where I could see them. I couldn't stop crying, "Im pregnant, Jody." I remember kissing Shalyn. She was saying, "It is OK, Mommy." I said, "You're going to have a new baby!" She was young, but understood the joy I was feeling! I

I instantly had cravings, could feel the baby flutter, had morning sickness and felt that our lives were complete. I had gained 55 pounds with Shalyn. When I looked back at pictures, I can't believe that I thought I was the sexiest, pregnant person around! At the time, I felt that way. Your mind can do funny things! I rushed out to the store and put all sorts of baby things on layaway...baby lotion, shampoo, baby powder, little gowns.

Two months later, I became very sick and had to rush to the doctors. They did an ultra sound and said everything appeared to be OK. I went home and started spotting. I was so sick that I didn't have time to think about losing the baby. I had to have emergency surgery. It was a tubal pregnancy. After waking up from the surgery, the first thing I asked was, "Was it twins?" ...hoping that I had only lost one baby, and still had one baby left! My heart was crushed. I could not understand why the Lord would let me come so close to having a baby, and then take it from me. I knew in my heart I was a good person, did the Lord not know this?

I had to go to take the layaway off. The poor lady behind the counter! "Oh your getting it out so soon?" I broke into tears. She was trying to get around the counter. "I am so sorry, are you OK? Oh, I am sorry." I had to leave and my sister had to finish the layaway and explain to the worker.

I pulled myself together and started calling back to the doctors. They said to let your insides heal up and then they try fertility pills. The fertility drugs did not work. I ended up having surgery again; the fallopian tube was blocked. After surgery the doctor said, "Chances of you having a baby on your own are very slim. You need to consider "In Vitro." We cannot do that procedure here. You will have to check around!"

I felt unsure where to turn now. The procedure is very expensive and insurance considers "In Vitro" an experimental procedure. The desire to have a baby would not let up. I was desperate. Everyone was giving us their suggestions. So we became "foster parents" ...only because my family wouldn't leave us alone about it. I am sure that is because I wouldn't leave them alone about wanting another baby, nor was I able to focus on anything, except having one!

Becoming foster parents has been the most rewarding thing we have ever done. As hard as the goodbyes were when they would return to their birth families, it filled our home with joy and gave us the opportunity to give our daughter the brothers and sisters I wanted her to have. She loved all of the kids, and was so happy to have a friend! I said she was our "Miracle." She truly is! Even though she never had to share anything in her life, at a very young age she had the ability to open her heart, have compassion and accept every child as though he/she had always been a part of our family! She was kind, giving, loving and seemed to understand that these kids needed us. She would go to bed with one or two kids and wake up to eight or nine! She would just smile! We had runaways, teenagers, babies, toddlers, twins, every age and every race! To her they were all her brothers and sisters. Sometimes she would even say, "He looks like me, huh mom?" We always smiled and agreed! We are white and very, very faired-skinned! Our kids are Lebanese!!! And dark! Love is blind!

What great memories she will have! She will remember each of them an entire life time. Going through the good byes, (even though you know when they come to you that they each have a family and will probably be returned), is something your heart doesn't understand, nor is it easy. It's difficult to think of the future and the great memories you will have when your heart is hurting. The future is hard to see, regardless of your age. For our daughter, I would have to be strong and explain all of the wonderful reasons the kids would be leaving us to go back to their birth families. Jody would have to be strong for me.

My mom and sister were starting to say, "Maybe this is too hard for you." It was hard, and when they would leave, I would think I can't do this ever again... that was until the phone would ring and the department would say we have three kids, can you take them!? We would load in the van as fast as we could! There were times that I would ask Shalyn if this was too hard for her? I would tell her that we didn't have to be a foster family, if it was too painful. So young and innocent, she would say, "Its OK, Mom. I want to be a foster family."

Even with all of the kids coming and going, the desire to give her a sibling would not leave. I tried to accept it. I couldn't. I started my letters to the fertility clinics all over again, I was going to have a baby. At this time we had about six kids living with us. They had been with us for about a year. Goodbye was going to be very hard! I knew I would need to hurry so I mailed out letters to every hospital I knew had "In Vitro" and I waited and waited. I received a phone call from a hospital in Houston, Texas. They would like to examine me, and see exactly what type of procedure they would have to do to help me. Jody, Shalyn and I were off to Houston! After tests and examinations, they agreed with my doctor and said that I would have to have, "In vitro." I was back to square one.

Our foster kids were still joining us, many at a time, but I could tell, it was time to get started on the letters again! I wrote and mailed letters everywhere. I finally the United States. I finally received the call that I needed. A hospital in California was willing to accept me into one of their in vitro programs, if I was willing to use their procedures that t\were still considered experimental in the United States. Of course I agreed.

My husband was so good through all of this. He would come home from work to another new idea that I had read or heard about on tv, a new hospital story, or another scheduled surgery! He went right along, always agreeing to whatever, I felt I needed to do, without a complaint. Our daughter, at the age of six, understood the entire process and procedures of infertility, in vitro and conceiving a child! I had written "Sesame Street" stories for her, about "Elmo's mom having a baby" and how it took a mommy's eggs and the daddy's sperm, that are like little fish, swimming to mommy's egg. We drew pictures and watched movies so she would understand. She was such a bright little girl.

We explained that we would have to go to California by ourselves and that we were not sure of the length of time I would be in the hospital, or how long we would be in California. We had never left her anywhere. She had never even spent the night out! Thank goodness she was so secure, strong, and mature enough to understand that this was important to me. We loaded our foster kids and Shalyn up, took their stuff to my moms and off we went to California... a whole month away from my family, a whole month without Jody working. This was a tough decision to make, but the desire to have a baby was so overwhelming that I didn't feel like I had a choice. My husband learned to give me my shots quite good. I think they hurt him worse than they hut t me. After the procedure, I had to stay in bed for three days, in prayer, that the embryos would attach. The overall procedure took almost a month. We drove back to our home. I laid flat on my the entire trip! I didn't want to visit with my husband during our ride home that took sixteen hours for fear that if I stopped praying, the embryos would fall out.

After being home about a week I got the devastating news that it had not taken. I still continued to pray. I was really sure that all the tests in the world could say "Negative" but I knew the Lord was not going to let me down. Everyone always says that the Lord doesn't make mistakes, so I knew the tests were wrong. I was having a baby. The day I received the results of the pregnancy test, I was at home with my kids, while my sister was in the hospital delivering her third child, another little girl! It was a very hard thing for me to have to go to the hospital that morning to see the baby and try to be thrilled for the new joy in their lives. My heart felt like it was broken. I felt the joy for them, but the pain I was feeling was so overwhelming! Through all of this, thank goodness for all of our foster kids, who were still filling our house and our hearts! I would have days that I would think that maybe I could accept never having another baby. Those days wouldn't last long!

I would start saving and planning when we would be able to go back to California for the rest of our embryos. It seemed to be a pattern, the closer our foster kids got to going home, the stronger, the desire to have a baby would be! I would feel depressed and think how unfair this is. I was tired of wanting to have a baby! The thoughts would not let me have any peace of mind. I would pray that the feeling would go away. I couldn't stand it! Everyone would say, "Be thankful you have a child. That's more than some people have!" I wasn't able to accept like other people, and trying to justify my desire, was as hard as not having a baby! The uncontrollable obsession to conceive was out of my control. Even if I tried to be thankful, I would I would watch our daughter playing with the kids, knowing she will never share the bond or love of having a brother or sister. If she did, it will be with our foster kids, who would soon go home, leaving her little heart broken! Was I being fair to her, filling our house with all of these kids and then taking them from her? I just could not accept it!

I would feel guilty for doubting the Lord, when he had blessed us with exactly what I asked for! We did have the brothers and sisters that I said I wanted. Our foster kids had been the same nine kids that we had now for the last two years. The fear of having to tell them goodbye kept my mind occupied most of the time. Counting our daughter, we had ten kids. I still couldn't accept not having another child! The thoughts would eat at me every minute of the day. I knew I needed to start facing reality. I couldn't continue this constant battle, if I were ever going to be able to enjoy my family that we did have.

I knew this would have to be our last surgery, our last expense! I had to get the rest of my embryos. So once again, off we went to California. This time my sister, her husband, their kids and our daughter went as a family to get our embryos! My sister and I had agreed that if for some reason the hospital felt her chances of carrying the embryos were better than mine, we would have them put in her. I had a total of 10 embryos. They used four in the first procedure. We lost two, and the doctor would put four in this procedure. I would be out of embryos, money and this would have to be my last chance! The hospital said that my chances were as good as my sisters. I had the embryos put in me. I laid flat on my back in the hotel while the rest of them swam, and enjoyed California. I really preferred it that way. At least I didn't have to talk or visit, which would interrupt my constant prayers. The procedure was complete. The embryos were gone. It was time to accept my life, whatever the outcome. We headed home, went and picked up all of our foster kids, who had been staying with my family. We were all thrilled to see them but, they were a reminder that if the "in vitro" didn't take, I would be back where I started... Shalyn alone and no brothers or sisters that would be a part of her life forever.

We had our foster kids for two years, and I knew that something would have to happen soon. Would they be returned to their birth family? Would we all be prepared no matter what happened? We knew our hearts would be hurt again.

I had to wait a week before I could have the "Big Test!" Waiting for that phone call seemed to take forever. I got the news. Jody was at work, and I was not pregnant! I knew the hospital was wrong; I could feel the baby flutter; I was sure there was a baby! So, I went back and had the pregnancy test redone. I was heart-broken, and felt like it was the end of the world! I had our daughter, my husband, my family, and our foster kids... with all of them, I could continue to fight for what I wanted! I completely forgot about accepting the results and going on with our future! They were all supportive and looking at my daughter with our foster kids, I knew she deserved a brother or sister!

A few years earlier a teenage girl and her boyfriend called us, wanting to know if we would be interested in adopting their baby; she was about five months along. We thought that would be perfect! They came and stayed with us for a short while. Towards the end of her pregnancy, she decided that she wanted to deliver the baby closer to her mom. I agreed and we decided that we would fly out as soon as the doctor thought it was time. She went home and the phone calls slowly stopped. She ended up not giving the baby up. We were stuck with all of the lawyer bills, and even worse explaining to Shalyn why this could happen. I had told the girl and her boyfriend, while they were with us, that Jody and I were adults. Shalyn was young and wouldn't understand if she were to change her mind...and not to include her in the pregnancy until they were sure of their decision! We decided that private adoption was like handing a stranger your heart. I didn't feel that it was an option for us.

Time was going by, and without realizing it, we had shared our home with about one hundred and fifty foster kids! Some for longer periods than others, but each as special as the next. Every phone call from Social Services would be such an exciting thing for all of us. It is so funny... there was a first day for all of our foster kids, and yet when we had our kids for anytime at all, the old foster kids would act like they were the foster parents. They would be so excited, when we would tell them that we were getting more kids. All of them would be so excited, so proud, I will share this with them, or I wonder if it is a boy or girl, how long do they get to stay? I would have to remind them that this is a scary time for them, and to remember how they felt going into some strangers' home. Of course none of them could ever remember! How quickly kids adapt and how accepting of other kids they are. I don't ever recall a time when one of our kids, was not happy to open their bedrooms, share their clothes, toys, or space with a new foster child and always treated them like a real part of our family.

The day finally came when I received a phone call from the kids' socialworker. They were going to terminated their parents rights; the kids would be available for adoption! Our kids were prepared for this; visits with their parents had stopped, in fact both were in prison and the kids were asking what would happen to them? Were we going to adopt them? Would they get to stay together? I can only imagine how hard it is on foster kids... you are taken from the only parents, the only environment that you have ever known, placed with total strangers left there long enough that you have bonded and grown to love! Now, they have to leave and try to readjust, back into their birth parents home, rules and environment! They are torn and paying the price of their parents mistakes; we are all human; we have all made mistakes. Without quick and positive change, these kids can be left in foster care for years! I believe that foster kids are left in care way too long, and that we should have tighter guidelines if the situation is bad enough to remove the child from his parent, then they should have to comply and meet their goals quickly, not at the convenience of the parents or system! These kids are on hold waiting for the parents to get their lives on track. By now we have had our kids three years! How could we split them up? We never knew what would happen. Our system can do some really strange things. You have to wait to see if any birth relatives will come forward with the desire to adopt them. Birth members have more rights than foster parents!

We had been there before with two of our other foster kids, and a grandparent stepped forward and the state gave them custody. We were not prepared for this. So we were more cautious this time. During the three years with our ten kids, spread out in six different schools, traveling a hundred miles a day, taking them to and from school, doing homework, soccer, track, baseball, dinner, baths and bedtime, the fact that we were living in a three-bedroom house on top of one another, seemed unimportant! Being crowded, but filled with joy and a peace of mind could never compare to an empty bedroom, waiting to be filled! We were asked to consider which of the kids we would adopt. We knew the minute they said that they would be available for adoption that there was no picking and choosing! They had each come to us as separate sibling groups, but three years later we were a family! My heart was overwhelmed with joy. I was going to have all the kids my heart desired. Our daughter was going to have all the brothers and sisters she could ever want and Jody, ...he was still easy going and happy that our lives could now go on! I think he knew this meant no more surgeries.

During all of the excitement, procedures, and preparing for our kids' adoptions, we received a phone call. It was a teenage girl! She was pregnant and couldn't keep the baby. Were we interested? My first response was "No!" ...not because of the number of kids we had, but for the fact that I would have to place my heart and now all ten of our kids' hearts, in some stranger's hand! Her mother made the second phone call to us, to let us know that the family was not interested in keeping the baby, and that her daughter was in no way capable of raising a child. After talking to my husband and all of the kids, we decided that if we didn't take a chance, we would never know! I could imagine all of the great joys and love that each of us would share with this baby. The baby would be the one thing that each of us would share the same memories about.

A week later, she was on a plane, and moving in with us! She lived with us for seven months. She fit right in; all of the kids were able to share in the pregnancy.

It was a long seven months. My bird died, and then my dad killed himself leaving us with only my mom as the grandparent to all of our kids. I received a letter in the mail informing me that the doctor that performed my "in vitro" was accused of selling the embryos and not putting them back into the parents they belonged to! The letter asked if we were interested in becoming a part of the class action suit? I thought for a while, and decided it was best for me not to know Whoever went through the expense and struggle of infertility was as desperate to have a child as we were! They would have carried that child for nine months and loved it just as we loved all of our kids. If someone was raising our birth child, it was best to leave well enough alone!

Our family was about to be completed... birth or not, they were our children and I wouldn't trade any one of them! Thank goodness, we had the joy of a new life to look forward to! We would sit with our hands on her stomach, feel the baby kick, talk to her stomach. She made each of us apart of this pregnancy. She was supportive to me! A young teenager, and she would put my feelings before her own! I really grew to love her. My mom, sister, Jody and I were a part of the delivery. It was the best experience I have ever had. We delivered the baby at my mom's house, with a midwife, she delivered him in two hours! The midwife handed him to me like he had always been ours!

Life and love are such a funny thing. I had prayed and begged for ten years to have a baby; he was being handed to me and the joy was the same feeling as I had when they handed me our daughter, yet somehow I was torn. It was a day that I will never forget. As they handed him to me, I was so thrilled. I loved him instantly, and at the same time I hurt for the birth mother. We were adopting a child, the same age as her! She was laying there... so young, so pretty, and so alone! We had talked about having her live with us. I think in the end I couldn't put the love that I had for this new baby aside, and risk the chance of having to share him with her! I had opened my home and heart to all of these kids, and she was another kid that in my opinion needed that extra love and support from a family that would be there and accept her, no matter what. I tried to be honest with her and myself that it might be hard for me to live and wonder about what she was thinking or how was she feeling. We had built a really good relationship. It would be nice to continue it throughout this baby's life. I was afraid the relationship would be hurt if she stayed.

I will forever be grateful for her. She gave us the gift of life, and it takes a very strong and unselfish person to put an unborn child before her own feelings, and for a teenager to be concerned about the future of her unborn child, is a remarkable thing! I have seen educated, full- grown adults unable to put their child first. She is a unique and special person. The baby has been a gift to all of us. My kids love him dearly. He is exactly as I thought he would be, that bond that made all of us one! Each of our kids will be able to look back at the pregnancy, the delivery share baby pictures, remember his first words, his first steps. When he is old enough to understand, we will all tell him how loving and concerned his birth mother was, even at the age of 15 and how she let all of us be a part of the pregnancy and delivery. He will know how much we all wanted him.

It has been a long and fulfilling journey! The birth mother and I still have a close relationship, and she calls about every few weeks. She asks very little about the baby, but always how I am doing. She sends me cards on Mother's Day, writes me letters and is a special part of our family!

We have now been married for fifteen years; our birth daughter is eleven and the baby is now eighteen months and runs the show. Our foster kids are no longer foster kids, but ours to love and raise forever! Our oldest is turning seventeen; three are going into junior high, six of them just turned eleven and all I ever prayed for was finalized on the first of June 1997.

I started this journey, with an only child, produced 10 embryos, and completed my family by never giving up. We have 11 children total. My heart is complete...our lives are completely satisfying. Jody is still easy going, a wonderful husband, and a wonderful dad and when I look back I can say with a smile, I now know that the Lord really must give us, only what he knows we can handle. If only I had known that after 10 years of struggling with infertility, the heartache, money and expenses that we have been through, I would have planned better and invested all of that money into a large add on, bedrooms for everyone, a dinning room that had a big kitchen table that all of us could eat together, a living room where there was enough room for us all to be able to watch tv together and a little bit of extra space just in case social services had a child that needed a home and a family willing to open their doors at anytime day or night!

As amazing as it may sound, the desire to have a baby has left and I feel completely fulfilled. I am not sure what it is, but every month in the back of my mind....I still wonder.."Is this the month?" That must be from the damage that "infertility" causes to people desperate to have children! Yes, reality has set in! Our family is ours forever. The kids are growing fast. Our four bedroom house, well I think it has shrunk! Searching for a place to hang all the clothes, or finding a quiet spot for someone to do homework, is a very hard thing to do, a happy thing, but extra room would be a wonderful help! I have decided to enjoy our kids, and start praying for the money to add "A large add-on!" We laugh now and my mom told me to be careful what I pray for!! I am going to pray that we win the "Lottery!" That doesn't seem impossible, after being blessed with eleven kids! ! Years ago, I would have actually believed that winning the Lottery would be easier than completing my family! So, I will pray constantly about finding the way to add to our home, enough room for the kids to have friends spend the night, and a large dinning room, with a dinner table large enough to seat all of us at one time! Passing the food may take a while, but the memories will be unforgettable!

It has taken me fifteen years to realize, that all things are possible! When I started my journey I always had faith! I always believed in miracles, but I guess I believed that miracles only happened to other people! My life has meaning now, and even when times are rough, I feel a peace and know that I have a reason to be here. I struggled with infertility for fifteen years. There were numerous times I could have and wanted to give up. Why didn't I? Because God has blessed me with the passion to love my family and with the blessing of infertility!