A Parent's Perspective

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A Parent's Perspective
by Jody Hansen-Walker

Hello, my name is Jody Hansen-Walker. I am a foster
parent and adoptive parent in NY. I would like to
share with you my experience with a RAD child.

My son Daniel came into our lives when he was 12 yrs
old. After about a year, things still seemed a bit off
with Dan. He was semi-compliant but didn't seem to
whole-heartedly care about things and carried the
weight of the world on his shoulders. When asking him
to do the simplest of tasks, he would make it a blown
out war or do things the wrong way on purpose. He had
been in 18 different foster homes, placed in 3
pre-adopt situations, and found it easier to just call
everyone mom and dad so that he didn't need to learn
their names.

It got to be crazy in my home and I didn't like this
kid anymore. I wanted him out! He would push my
buttons on everything and even tried to be sexually
inappropriate with my 11 yr old son to see if he could
get a rise out of me. Believe me, I was loosing my
mind. I became an ANGRY person and all my child
experience went right out the window. Who was this
person I saw in the mirror everyday??

We went through FIVE therapists and fired them ALL!!
Finally, I went to a workshop and heard Dr.
Becker-Weidman speak. I felt like he was living in my
house, that he was a fly on the wall, and telling
everyone what was going on in my home! To say the
least, I set up an appointment.

After a few testing sessions, he diagnosed Daniel as
having Reactive Attachment Disorder. Finally...an
answer, but now what?! Our first three months of
therapy were hard for me. This is TOTALLY different
from what any of the "conventional methods". He told
me to stay out of Daniel's school business and let the
school handle that stuff. (This was absurd to me!! My
kid goes to private school, all the teachers know how
dedicated and involved we are with our kids, now this
guy is asking me to butt out!!). Well after three
months I finally did exactally what I was told. Dan
would come home and try to engage me into a
confrontation by telling the bad grades he got or the
behavior issues he had at school, it took everything
in me to NOT re-act. Boy it felt good to just say...
"How sad for you Dan, what are you going to do about
it?" I thought the kid was gonna hit the floor! He
looked at me like I had three heads. That's when I
felt like I was getting my life back. Dan's therapy
went quick. He was released after nine months and boy what a difference.

I will tell you that RAD therapy is "a family affair".
Everyone has to be on the same page and we as parents have ALOT of "home-work" that needs to be done to help our child to heal. Sure there are days when I see him slip into old behaviors when he is stressed. But now I have the skills/tools to focus him again.

Daniel is almost 16 now. He guest speaks with me from time to time and is being an "average" hormonal pain in the butt teenager. he is soooo attached to me that there are times I feel like he is glued on me!! But I
wouldn't change it for a moment. He's come a long way
and now has opened his heart to feel love and to enjoy
what life has to offer. It saddens me to know that I
had thought about disrupting this adoption three years
ago.

My closing thoughts for you parents out there.... no
matter how experienced or not you are with adoption,
child psychology, what-ever,... if you feel that your
therapist isn't doing the job, look some where eles.
No matter what your case worker says. You are the
parent, and it is YOUR job to get answers and to get
help. Network with other parents. Get educated and use the information. You are this child parent for the
rest of their lives!!!!