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[The newsletter and logo were recently redesigned by Alexandra Hart, and volunteer Denise Roessle does the page layout, and it's never looked better! As before, Jane Calbreath, our Board President, oversees and coordinates the effort. Thanks, folks! By the way... if you have some services or other goodies you'd like to donate to PACER, please contact Jane at 415/898-8938, or email: Jbreath@aol.com and let her know! Thanks!]
(Winter 1998-1999) Newsletter Contents:
You are invited to participate in a service at Grace Cathedral at 10:00 a.m. on Saturday, April 24, 1999. The original (and only other) "history-making" service of this kind was held near Buffalo, New York last April. The Buffalo News story about this read:
Reverend Carrie Buckner introduced me to Reverend Sally Bingham who is associated with The Episcopal Diocese of California. Sally introduced me to Reverend Chip Barker, associate pastor at Grace Cathedral and an adoptive parent. We met in June and started planning.
PACER invites others to join us in sponsoring this celebration. We have expanded the scope of the service to honor the relations among adoptive families, birth families and adoptees of all ages. Our working title is "The Celebration of All Our Relations."
The following is the intention for the service that was read at the PACER/AAC Conference in San Francisco:
"This service in Celebration of All Our Relations will honor all the branches of family by adoption and the interrelatedness of everyone. We recognize that the nurturing and rearing of a child requires all the love and caring available from everyone; that the woman who carries and gives birth to a child and is able to give this sacred gift of herself deserves our honor, respect and deep appreciation; that the parents who accept this child see that their parenting destiny is filled by the generosity of another and will actively nourish this connection; and most important, that the child be allowed to flourish in truth knowing who s/he is and able to receive the wealth of riches in heritage and nurturance from all his/her relations." We see this as an ecumenical service welcoming all.
The first planning meeting is being held on Monday, January 25, 1999 at 2:00 p.m. in the Cathedral offices on Taylor Street in San Francisco. During this meeting we will discuss the intent of the service and create a task list. Please let me know if you would be interested in attending future planning meetings or volunteering your time and talents to this effort. And please pass the word to friends in the adoption community.
Susan L. Love is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, specializing in adoption. Contact her via email at soozlove@aol.com, or at 510/287-8981.
by Jane Calbreath
When I stop to consider some of the gifts of my adoption experiences I remember that childbirth is a rite of passage under all circumstances and facing the fear and grief of a lifetime does build courage and character. I am who I am because of the mountains I have climbed.
This past year has been tremendous for PACER and for me. PACER celebrated its 20th anniversary by hosting the Southwest Regional Conference for the American Adoption Congress, and I celebrated my 50th anniversary on earth!.
I can't say enough about the gifts and rewards of volunteerism and activism. I have finally found a community where I am accepted, honored and supported for who I am and what I do. For this I am especially grateful. Working with PACER has been expansive experience and an eminently creative outlet. I have grown and prospered by giving and receiving from all of you, and as a community, we have flourished.
I want to thank you all for your support and participation during this past year with donations and memberships, as board members, support group facilitators, newsletter volunteers, conference and steering committee members, and those who participated with our visioning process over the past several years.
There is new vigor and enthusiasm within our ranks and many more of you are coming forward and joining the efforts to support and heal our community and to educate and inform the public and professionals who work with adoption.
This year we will expand the use of our web page and newsletter to circulate information and announce events.
Since we are now certified by the Board of Behavioral Sciences of California, we plan to offer a number of one-day educational events for professionals to earn Continuing Education Units.
There will be an ecumenical healing service at Grace Cathedral for the entire triad in April. This service in "Celebration of All Our Relations" will honor all the branches of family by adoption and the interrelatedness of everyone.
Our third annual Mother's Day Picnic will be bigger and better than ever, this year featuring a volleyball contest among support groups. Be sure your group or family has a team and is represented!
Development of a speaker's bureau that will provide triad speakers to educate professionals at adoption agencies, medical schools and elsewhere.
You might have guessed; we have immediate openings for a few good people to work with us. Please reveal yourselves by contacting one of the board members listed on this page. And a blessed New Year to all.
Jane Calbreath is the President of PACER. Contact her via email at jbreath@aol.com, or at 415/898-8938.
by Colleen Buckner
This is a quarterly column on searching. SEARCHLIGHT consists of questions posed by PACER members about searching which are answered by Colleen Buckner. Colleen welcomes your questions for inclusion in future newsletters.
Q:I am 61 years old and I was born in California. My parents died last year and I just found out that I was adopted. I was told that because of my age the best way for me to find my birth family was to petition the court to open my file. How do I go about the process of petitioning the court and what should I expect to find in my file?
A: I would recommend that you call the Superior Court offices in the county where your adoptive parents resided when you were adopted. Ask for their county form for petitioning the court to unseal your records. This petition request will be pursuant to Family Code Section 9200-9203 and Health and Safety Code Section 102705. The Superior Court will expect you to have a good reason for requesting to open your file. Exceptional medical circumstances are a good and compelling cause for opening the file. Some questions that the county might require that you answer regarding your medical need to know are: 1) your medical condition and the medical necessity for you to obtain information about your birth parents, 2) if you or your children are diagnosed with any particular ailment and whether such ailment is hereditary, 3) why information about your birth parents would make a difference in treatment options. After you fill out the form, attach a letter from your doctor that verifies your medical need to know. Also attach a copy of the death certificates of your adoptive parents and a copy of your amended birth certificate. Some counties require a filing fee so be sure and include a check if needed. Petitioning the court does not necessarily require the use of an attorney but may increase your chances of success. Your file should contain your original birth certificate, the Petition to Adopt, the Final Decree of Adoption, the homestudy on your adoptive parents, interviews with your birthparents and their medical and biographical history and the Consent Form for Relinquishment.
Q:I know that I was born in San Francisco County but I do not know what hospital I was born in. How can I find out which hospital has my records and what records can I request?
A: Your amended birth certificate should list the name of the physician, and the hospital he worked at can be determined by calling the area hospitals or medical associations. Refer to phone books in the library for the year of your birth and the city of your birth and look up hospitals in the yellow pages. Keep in mind that some hospitals are no longer in business and that their records will be stored elsewhere. Some hospitals will not release their medical files to anyone but a physician. Often the files are in storage and even the clerk who answers the phone thinks that they have been destroyed. Still, there should be an "admittance record." The admittance record should show the name of the birthparent, residence address, age and date of admittance. Many hospitals also issue an admittance record on the infant shortly after birth. When requesting hospital records ask for all medical records pertaining to yourself and remember not to mention adoption.
Q:As a birthmother can I request information from the hospital where my son was born?
A: The court order to seal the court record and the birth certificate did not order the hospital record sealed. You were the legal guardian at the time of birth and until the relinquishment papers were signed. Do not allow the hospital to refuse you your medical file based on the fact that there was an adoption. The hospital may try to claim that since there was an adoption that they cannot release any information since the birthparent is no longer the legal guardian. You were the legal guardian at the time of birth and until the relinquishment papers were signed. BIRTHPARENTS CAN REQUEST MEDICAL RECORDS. Their physician can also request the files if the hospital will only release information to a physician.
Colleen Buckner can be reached at Triad Ties, P.O.Box 1178 Colusa, CA 95932, and by email at therighttoknow@yahoo.com.
Oregon now joins two other states, Kansas and Alaska, as well as many nations around the world, in recognizing an adult adoptee's right to access the government-held record of their birth. The measure's Chief Petitioner, Helen Hill, says "The victory of Measure 58 signals a death knell to the failed experiment of sealed records. We are being reborn into integrity and honesty."
The initiative in Oregon was groundbreaking in several ways. This is the first time in United States history than an initiative to restore the right of adopted adults to request and receive their original birth certificate has been placed on a statewide ballot. It is also the first time that a sealed records law has been repealed in the U.S. Kansas and Alaska have never sealed original birth certificates. The measure is also significant because it frames the issue in terms of civil rights, fairness and equal protection of the law, rather than in terms of psychological need or medical necessity.
The success of Measure 58 in Oregon unmistakably demonstrates that the general public supports opening records to adult adoptees. Although society has evolved to the point where being adopted should no longer be shameful, records have remained sealed due to pressure from industry lobby groups composed of adoption agencies and attorneys fearful of having their own misconduct revealed while asserting a spurious "right to anonymity" of birthparents. Birthparents and adoptees came out overwhelmingly in support of Measure 58, as did the general public, who recognized the inherent right of all people to know the facts of their birth.
Editor's Note: Just prior to Measure 58 taking effect, a lawsuit was filed on behalf of a group of birthmothers, claiming the measure violates their anonymity. A hearing date is scheduled for January 19th, where arguments will be heard on the motion filed by Measure 58 supporters to give standing to various parties in the case, including Chief Petitioner Helen Hill. The supporters are being represented by Thomas McDermott, a Portland adoptive father and trial attorney.
For more information, visit http://www.plumsite.com/oregon/ or contact Shea Grimm, 425/883-7293, sheag@oz.net.
The picnic will be held at the Corte Madera Town Park next to the Recreation Center on Tamalpais Avenue. Bring your own picnic food and drinks and a side dish, salad or dessert for 10 people.
Each support group is encouraged to bring their own volleyball team to compete against a rival support group team. Team members can be adoptees, birthparents, adoptive parents, support persons, family members, spouse, friend or partner of any triad member. Choose your team leader and team name and come prepared to have a great time meeting and socializing with all of the triad members and friends associated with PACER support groups.
Directions: Take the Paradise Drive/Tamalpais Avenue Exit from Hwy. 101. Go west on Tamalpais Avenue. The park is on the right, about 10 blocks just before you get to the fire station. Look for the PACER banner and balloons.
These things are beautiful beyond belief:
The pleasant weakness that comes after pain.
The radiant greenness that comes after rain.
The deepened faith that follows grief.
And the awakening to love again. -- Anonymous On Friday the 13th of November 1998, I was faced with the sudden, utterly shocking, death of my beloved, sweet cat, "Kona." Kona had a beautiful, softly-textured, rounded body and black coat which had a chocolate brown tint in the sun. She had a wonderful, sweet voice and gentle demeanor, and her big yellow eyes and constant purring exuded "presence." Kona was my constant companion each hour of each day that I was in my condo. She was the living representation of the peace and sanctity of my home.
My first job during high school was at the Irondequoit Animal Hospital in upstate New York. I loved my role as the front desk receptionist, giving my caring and support to owners and animals, and occasionally assisting the vets. The funny thing was, though, that while I loved dogs (our family had a dachshund named Fritz) I was not particularly attached, one way or another, to cats. I regularly witnessed such misfortunes as cats having been hit by cars or mangled by the fan belts of car engines where they had sought warm respite from the cold and I even held cats that were being euthanized and felt them fall into permanent slumber in my very arms. None of these episodes fazed me, however, as I mostly disliked cats.
As an undergrad in New Mexico, I continued to dislike cats. I relentlessly and regularly flung my roommate's cats out of my room whenever they crossed the threshold, until one day, she brought home a black kitten. Much to my delight and surprise, I immediately bonded with "Gumby." I was awed at how his pliable body could seemingly "stretch" into so many positions (hence the name!) and how I enjoyed playing with him. This was amazing! I had no idea why I had such a change of heart, at least about this particular cat.
Years later, while living in Hawaii, I was surprised with a Halloween gift of a tiny black kitten, whom I named Kona. A year later, I relocated with my pregnant Kona to Rohnert Park where she gave birth to a litter of six, including her black son, Maui, whom I have lovingly raised alongside Kona.
Years later still, when I found and was reunited with my birthmother, Sally, she was compelled to create an album for me of her old family photos. Through page after page I plodded, over numerous unknown relatives, wearing clothes and expressions I had never seen, in strange, unfamiliar houses, celebrating birthdays I never knew about, living lives that were completely foreign. Though I had no idea what I was hoping to find, I was clear that I still had not found it. I was saddened and, in fact, felt even more profoundly alone than I ever had, even before I had started searching for her. Face after strange face, I tried to find some connection to them. At last I came across a photo that held for me a wealth of meaning. The photo that brought a light into my heart and a glimmer of hope that I was somehow connected to someone or something, somewhere was the photo of a pure black cat, walking outside in a yard, labeled: "George Cat, 1960" (the year I was born). Sally casually told me that George Cat used to sit on her belly when she was carrying me.
In 14 years, not one day went by that I did not pick up my Kona kitty, press my face into her relaxed body, breathe in the aroma of her cotton-soft coat, listen for a meditative moment to her purring, kiss her emphatically, and tell her (in my special cat voice) that I loved her.
The support of PACER friends is, and has been, one of the most compelling reasons that I choose to be as involved in this organization as I am. It is my intention that we will have a year of expanding the PACER community, and deepening our relationships. May we all be true to our deepest selves as we contribute to these endeavors.
Julie Green works with adults and children, and leads women's therapy groups. She may be reached at JulieGreen@counseling.net or 707/795-0200.
for Maura
Do what is best for your baby, they whispered.
It is not you who is best for your baby,
were the plain as day words.
Shut the door, you'll forget, they said softly,
Listen well, this is best kept hidden from view.
Words ever spoken, always heard.
Unloved and unlovely, we gave birth to our babies,
and then wept goodbye to our babies,
knowing already that the door had swung open,
saw the ache walking through with
an I'm here to stay grin,
words never spoken, always heard.
Did you know that you've always been loved?
A small face in a photograph seen only by me.
(Please, God, if you'll just keep her happy and safe.)
The words in your letter blur as I read them
over and over.
My hand lingers on your unfamiliar name.
I hold it tightly. This will not be taken away.
On Saturday , we will meet.
On Saturday, what will happen?
On a perfect Saturday in a suddenly perfect world,
I see a young woman flying down the hill,
so lovely, I catch my breath.
You are running to me for the first time,
and my soul leaps to meet yours in startled,
joyful recognition.
Gently, carefully, I fold you, newly precious one,
into my arms,
arms empty for twenty-nine years,
and my eyes close in gratitude.
We move towards a future that shimmers with promise.
Did you know that you've always been loved?
As I now
am well loved
by you.
(Will you take off your shoes so I can look at your toes?)
As I am tidying the gravesite of my son's adoptive mother almost 35 years later, I reflect on the secrecy that has caused so much pain and kept us apart.
We had all the answers in 1965. Adoption would easily solve the problem of an unplanned pregnancy: The birthparents would forget, the adoptive parents would take the child as if their own, and life would begin anew. Adoption is far more complex and has far more facets than anyone realized in those days. Today we are reaping the results of our arrogance and our ignorance.
It was forgotten that we would all grow old together. I would love and remember my son for a lifetime, so would his adoptive parents, and so my son would remember me. We are all connected forever. The woman I am remembering is a woman that I deeply regret never meeting and never knowing. I bring flowers to decorate her grave as my private declaration of the love I feel for her.
The inscription on her tombstone reads "Beloved wife, loving mother, and caring friend." I am pleased because I think it includes me as well as "our" son, his father, and his brother. She would have been my caring friend. Her happiness would have brought me smiles.
I realize that whether we like it or not, my son and I are connected, but so am I connected to his parents -- and they to me. I am part of their lives and they are part of mine. To think otherwise is shallowness. To never speak, to never know each other is a painful, needless loss of never knowing these kinfolk to whom you are related. There is a place for all of us. There has to be.
We can pretend we are not connected, but in fact when parents adopt a child they are also connected to the birthparents. When birthparents place a child for adoption they are connected to the adoptive parents as well. This is what is real.
I was told I would forget, they were told to continue as if born unto. I don't want to disappear. I want to claim my place and be recognized for it. It is an important place in our son's life. I've considered giving it up and decided I will not -- cannot -- do it. I don't want more than my place. I am not his parent. I am his birthparent. We are all connected and will be forever.
Are we needy as some would claim? I think not. We are related to one another. The arrogance of those who knew all the answers, the naiveté of my young self who believed. I vow to teach my children.
Donna Oman was one of the original founding board members of PACER. She relinguished her son for adoption 32 years ago, is a credentialed elementary school teacher, and now lives in Lakewood, Washington.
Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao is a pioneer and internationally known expert on adoption related issues. Anyone having the fortune of hearing her talk on adoption knows that she conveys great empathy for all triad members, provides sensible and insightful clinical advice, and vividly illustrates her ideas with compelling case examples. Her new book, The Family of Adoption, captures her accessible style and presents a rich, important synthesis of her work at the Center for Family Connections. This book represents a significant contribution to the adoption field.
The book opens to a sensitive portrayal of distinctive issues for birth- and adoptive parents. For example, the lifelong grief that birthparents face and its behavioral manifestations is illustrated, as well as the importance of bonding and smooth transitions facilitated by adoptive parents. The significance of providing clear definitions of roles to the child is stressed; for example, that two mothers and fathers exist but only one set provides the parenting. Extremely useful is the section on the development of the adoptee. We learn, for example, why specific school projects and academic subjects, transitions such as summer camp, and peer choices may be more challenging for adoptees. Core issues for adoptee adults are outlined. A major contribution is Dr. Pavao's framework based on "normative crises in the development of adoptive families." Behaviors that could be misinterpreted as "pathological" are shown to be normal and expected in adoptive families. How underlying themes of loss and separation affect all triad members is illustrated throughout the book.
The final set of chapters reviews history related to the adoption practices and more complex adoption situations, and search and reunion. The epilogue presents Dr. Pavao's recommendations for the future of adoption and a helpful glossary of adoption terms completes the book. Overall, this book is an excellent tool for increasing understanding about the complexity of and multiple pathways to adoption and how adoption practice might be shaped to become more child-centered. This is essential reading for adoption policy-makers, students and practitioners.
Current times see more adoption related stories in the media. Recent stories include international birthparent/adoptee searches, egg/sperm donor controversies, and the issue of sibling adoption. As awareness of adoption issues grows, more people will seek information or counsel in adoption issues. Dr. Pavao's unique ability to present this emotionally-laden material in a palatable manner makes this an excellent book for individuals new to thinking about adoption. However, it also contains gems for those with years of experience in adoption. I recently gave copies of the book to both of my birthparents. The cover notes that this is Dr. Pavao's first book and I certainly hope that it is not her last.
Paige Crosby Ouimette, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist at the VA Palo Alto Health Care System and consulting associate professor of psychiatry & behavioral sciences at Stanford University Medical School. Dr. Ouimette works in private practice in Palo Alto, CA, specializing in adoption-related issues.
When it debuted in 1986, Raising Adopted Children was the first book to look at the issues faced by adoptive families after a child comes home. Now, in this illuminating new edition, author Lois Ruskai Melina, mother of two children by adoption -- and frequently referred to as the "Dr. Spock for adoptive parents" -- addresses the changes that have affected adoption over the past ten years and also offers her own ever-evolving wealth of knowledge.
Lois Ruskai Melina is the editor of The Adopted Child newsletter and serves on the board of directors of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, an organization with the goal of improving the quality of information about adoption and providing guidance for practice and policy change in the field.
Discovering we are not the fragile women we always thought we were, we birthmothers forgot how strong we must have been to survive the trauma of giving our children away. But at the time, we didn't feel strong. The sin and shame in 1947 was having intercourse and not being married. A mortal sin. Today, the sin is that we gave our children away.
There are a lot of excuses for what we did. Some didn't feel they had a choice, their parents made the decision of adoption for them. We were urged to give our children away because it was the "right thing to do," that our children would have "better" lives with strangers, instead of having to be raised by us, the immoral mothers that society told us we were. We believed it. Most of us were very young and gullible, and a lot of us were poor. We knew that if we had kept our children they could be labeled illegitimate and branded forever.
We birthmothers were unaware that we subjected our children to sorrow and sadness and left them with a jagged scar caused from having been torn away from us at birth. Even as infants, our children yearned for the same love and comfort they had been surrounded by in anger who would not forgive their birthmothers for abandoning them and birthmothers who were desperate to have their child's forgiveness.
Many adoptees have had good lives with loving adoptive parents and some have not. Some have had terrible lives and were abused. The rage, heartbreak and guilt birthmothers feel when they learn of this fate in their child's life is devastating. The secretiveness in past years prevented birthmothers from knowing the caliber of the adoptive parents--and to go back and undo the decision to relinquish is impossible.
Adoptees in reunion may rightly feel they have an absolute right to know the truth of their beginning but at the same time they do not want to cause the birthmother any more pain. If the birthmother holds back and is not truthful when the adoptee finds her, the adoptee knows. I have spoken with adoptees who have had this experience and heard of their pain and frustration. On the other hand, I believe the adoptee should understand that when the mother is found, she may be in shock and therefore have a difficult time recalling what she has blocked from her memory.
I believe the birthmother needs to remember, no matter how pained and shameful she feels. Both adoptee and birthmother cannot heal until this is accomplished. Some adoptees and birthmothers turn to support groups, but many birthmothers feel they have nowhere to look for guidance and some will not reveal their secret. It is a lonely feeling to not understand what is happening, and not get support. Not much is written on this subject.
I can't think of any experience in life that compares with a reunion. Both the adoptee and the birthmother feel anger at society and sadness for all the missing years of separation and love. The adoptees feel guilt for the hurt they may cause their adoptive parents. The adoptive parents fear the loss of their child to the birthmother, but they should have faith in the children they love. They should understand their need to find their roots.
When the reunion is a positive one, the unconditional love in the reunion relationship is unique to all others. The force of the mother's denied love of the strongest bond on earth rises, but yet, it is love with a stranger. There is no history to fall back on. As the process goes on, fear, anger and guilt must be dealt with. The fear of losing each other again by saying the wrong thing looms like a dark cloud. Both parties are filled with an overwhelming yearning for each other, to learn of the other's life, to make up for the years of separation that can never be regained.
I accept the fact that I gave my son to strangers, without even seeing him, believing I did the right thing. Today I still would like to be his only mother and that is impossible. I have to live with what I did. I am grateful that my son had good, loving parents who raised him to be a fine decent human being. After five years of our reunion, my son's adoptive parents want nothing to do with me and are not comfortable with his finding me. For my son's sake, I wish they could accept this. I am very happy that he had a yearning to find me. We love each other very much and we both know how lucky we are.
Beth Kane is a birthmother who was found in 1993 by her son who searched for five years. She has written a book about her experience titled Deep in My Secret Heart for which she is in the process of finding a publisher. Beth and her husband reside in Stockton, California, and may be reached at (209) 952-1902.
For the first time in over a year, I turn my attention to the body. To this lumbering dense package which has carried so many layers of grief, loss, shock. I'm surprised that it's still here, that it's been here all along.
This year has been a year of administrating to the soul, the frantic spinning mind, the leaden heart. I have left my body way behind, sitting on a stone wall. Something with moveable arms, legs, a curving spine has been carrying me through these months. It has lifted children, made passionate love, beaten on drums, tried on new shoes. And yet I have been only remotely aware of it. I see it sitting there, far behind me, waiting.
The things I have done to this body make me shudder. The foods I have methodically spooned, forked, shoveled into it, in an effort to quiet its cries. It has worked. The fierce determination to not feel loss. Loss of mother, of milk and warmth, the breast's rich cream has translated into a wild hungering for things soft, creamy, a mouthful of smooth comfort. Macaroni and cheese (homemade, with bubbles of butter floating on the surface), dense puddings, flan, chowders thick and white. Milkshakes. Soft polenta, eaten with a spoon. Feed me, mama, please, I reach for the breast over and over again. Am left with empty hands, a bloated belly, lips slippery with grease. I'm blinded with searching, will drive miles out of my way for a moussaka blanketed with bechamel.
This week I felt a slight turning. Mother's Day. Realized that in spite of her wishing it wasn't so, that I was born. Into a physical body, slippery and writhing. I am here. She denies the idea of me, and obedient still, I denied it along with her. Hating it as she did, turning away from it. Yet it trailed behind me, a terrible weight at the end of a long rope whose knots I couldn't undo.
So I sent her a card. Put it down in ink, the irrevocable truth: I was born, I am alive. And this fact is something to be grateful for, not a curse. The words reverberate in my head. Here I am. I look down at my hands, their broad palms, bitten nails, the thick blue veins woven under the skin. These same hands curled together into fists no bigger than quarters, when I squeezed from her body. They are bigger now, bearing scars and wrinkles. But they are the same, flesh of her flesh. And his.
These strong thighs, these legs that pulse with muscles no matter if I work out or not, these are her legs. All this year, I tried to erase the thought of her. Her body. Her face, her hair. Tried to let go of it, the reminder of what I was no longer a part of. And let go of myself in the process.
This week, my friend Lisa sent me an essay on running and breathing, the process that started as she struggled for breath in an oxygen tent, frail skinny girl, and brought her to the point where she easily runs five, six, seven miles, her lungs and body glorious. She described a tiny beginning: good shoes, a comfortable track. Starting out turtle slow, gradually adding speed and distance. I held my own breath while reading. I thought, I could never do that. Or could I?
There is a track at the college where I bring my daughters every morning. I dropped them off last Thursday, parked the car at the side of the road. I had on big shoes, soft as marshmallows, stupid and excessive for walking, but just right to run. I stretched long and slow, reaching for my toes, feeling my hamstrings bunch and release for the first time in longer than I can remember. I jogged twice around the circle. A half mile. My scalp flushed with a fine layer of perspiration, my legs trembled a little. I knew I could go further, but didn't. I walked another half mile then got into the car.
The next day, I ran just one more lap. Three quarters of a mile. It was a little harder. I could feel myself working then, feel myself gearing up for the straight away after the curve, knew I was stretching further, pushing a little harder.
I've added a little bit each day. Today, five laps. A mile and a quarter. Mollie and I did the math in the car as I pointed out the track, told her "That's where I am going after I drop you off." She counted on her fingers, and said, "At the end of the week, you'll be at two miles!" When she got out of the car, she held up her crossed fingers, blew me a kiss and called, "I hope you can do all five." She's rooting for me, my girl, even though she has no idea what's at stake.
What is at stake? My health? The size of my jeans? It's different than that, although I've stuffed the consequences of worrying that I'll die, like Laurie Colwin, of a heart attack before I'm forty. She ate butter balls rolled in sugar. I eat cupfuls of polenta with melted cheese. I'm terrified that my daughters will wake up one day without a mother, and that my diet will be to blame. I also don't like a wardrobe limited to ballooning elastic pants, oversized shirts, all of it looking like fancy pajamas. I wish I could be comfortable in my jeans. But that isn't all of it. Neither health nor vanity had been enough to motivate me beyond this blind hunger, this wishing I didn't have a body at all.
Something about this running, this mad rush of blood throughout my veins, the muscles flexing, makes it undeniable. I am a physical presence on this earth, no matter who invited me here, no matter who approved. I'm crashing the party, gulping oxygen, getting drunk on my own mixed blood. It's time to stop being the wallflower at my own life. Slowly, gently, I lead my own body out onto the dance floor, turn myself around for all to see.
Susan Ito lives in Oakland with her husband and two daughters. She is a reunitedthendisunited adoptee and a writer whose work has appeared in Growing Up Asian American, Making More Waves, and Two Worlds Walking. She teaches writing at UC Berkeley Extension.
Reuben Pannor's perspective as a nationally recognized expert in the field of adoption and as co-author of The Adoption Triangle is broad and highly respected. He has been looking at adoption professionally for over thirty years, acquiring an historical perspective available to only a few. In recognition of his popular work over the past twenty years with adoptive parents, we invited Reuben to share his thoughts with our PACER members as part of our commitment to better addressing the needs and interests of all members of the adoption triad.
Susie: Reuben, I've been reviewing The Adoption Triangle and I'm again deeply impressed to see what you and your colleagues were thinking as early as 1978. I'm curious about how our understanding of adoption has evolved since your unprecedented call for open records and open adoption twenty years ago. What does it look like to you?
Reuben: Opening closed adoption records remains our single biggest challenge, although I acknowledge the increase in awareness and growing powerful dialogue. We've come a long way with the greatest progress having been in opening adoptions. The opportunity for birthparents and adopting parents to meet each other has opened a big door. The closed system that we were battling twenty years ago left behind it a tremendous trail of problems, terrible problems.
I started working in adoption 30 years ago at Vista Del Mar, a residential center for emotionally disturbed children. There, I was surprised to note that every third child had been adopted and had problems. When I began doing research, I realized this was an area that hadn't been touched. Many things had already been written about in child welfare that utterly contradicted the practices that we in adoption were engaged in. One of many was that we knew that you don't remove a troubled child from the base of support, the family. Yet, we removed pregnant teenagers from the East Coast and sent them thousands of miles away to the West Coast to accomplish a relinquishment. We hid them away in a maternity home and then shipped them back to their families when it was all over.
"Front-loading" was another startling practice. We put everything into the beginning phase by focusing on the initial problem (an unplanned pregnancy and inability to parent, a childless couple, a baby who needed a family) and never offered any after care. We told the birthmother to forget what had happened and go on with her life. We discouraged her from ever contacting the agency because it would look like she was not doing a good job of going on with her life. If she called we told her she had psychological problems and she should get help. We did not treat the whole person or recognize that the loss needed to be acknowledged and grieved. We knew all of this in our practice in child welfare where we worked for family preservation but we did not apply our knowledge in adoption! We applied different rules to adoption. An example is the whole subject of secrecy, and anonymity.
When The Adoption Triangle came out we presented at a psychiatric conference in San Francisco. The room was packed as this was a new issue. The audience couldn't imagine that we could treat a patient and withhold basic information. They couldn't understand it. But we did it. Records were sealed by the state court and we never encouraged any information coming back to the agency. So when both mothers and children came to ask for information, we knew very little - not even if children were alive! It was tragic. We have fought a long, hard battle since then to educate the professionals that this practice was wrong and had to change.
Susie: Can you assess this-how we've done on education- legal professionals, social workers, clergy, teachers, and the general population? I'm remembering a young woman in upstate New York who relinquished her child in an open adoption. The judge was strongly opposed to this and argued vigorously against their plan. He believed the open arrangement to be so ill-advised that he required a 12-month waiting period rather than the customary six for finalization because both parties agreed to this "unhealthy" arrangement. He saw the birthmother as "disturbed" because she was not able to let go of her child. This was in 1997!
Reuben: Clearly we still have a long, long way to go to educate the general and professional population about the realities of adoption. However, despite the "locked-in" position of many, there are also many new people who do "get it" and are doing a lot toward changing perceptions. Their challenges are in dealing with boards of directors in agencies and courts everywhere.
Susie: Reuben, when we talked last, you mentioned a recent article from the New York Times citing what people understand about adoption. I remember that you were quite surprised. Can you summarize it for us? What stood out for you?
Reuben: There is a lot of confusion. In the survey referenced, 40% of the people said open adoption is a good idea. Then when the question was asked about whether it is important for adoptees to know about their birthparents and maybe have contact with them, they said "perhaps." Then there were questions about "social engineering," meaning "Wouldn't children be better off with families who had more to offer them?" Most people thought so without really thinking through this more deeply. It would be a good idea to look at how the families in the affluent areas are actually doing. How ARE their children?
Family preservation has been our goal in the past several years, yet this doesn't seem to apply to adoption. We still don't apply the same standards. Most infants placed for adoption come from poor families. Check with any of the adoption agencies and their adoption lawyers to verify that the number one reason for relinquishment today is the inability to afford to raise the child. This is a sad commentary on the richest and most powerful country in the world. Even poor married couples are relinquishing their children. Think about what this says to the older children who have been "kept." This must be very confusing to them.
Susie: In the introduction to the latest edition of The Adoption Triangle, you have listed several thoughts "that merit consideration." Among these is "Our society needs to recognize that maintaining children in their own homes and providing adequate support systems must be given the highest priority." From what you just said, it sounds as though you fault our progress here.
Reuben: We're not doing a good job of this at all. And it's crazy because from an economical standpoint, it's far cheaper to leave children in their own homes and do it properly, offering the necessary support to their families. Foster care and the correctional system, which is where some of these children end up, costs far, far more.
Susie: Reuben, your speaking of economics brings up something that's current. Hillary Clinton was recently here in Berkeley speaking to adoption professionals at Cal about the new federal law designed to get children out of foster care and into permanent placements. What do you think about this law? How can we do this well so that the placements will actually be permanent?
Reuben: New York tried this about five years ago and their experience shows us how NOT to do it. They took state-supported kids out of foster care, group homes, and institutions. They followed permanency-placement law which allows 18 months to get a plan for each child. Here "front-loading" really applied. They hired extra attorneys to get the job done who, among other services, held classes on how to "get" the relinquishment. It actually constituted fraud in some cases.
The problems began. First, children were completely cut off from their families and extended families. You can't do that! No matter how bad the situation is. Many of these kids came from serious situations like drug problems and criminal environments. Even so, as a result of the abrupt cut-off, the children began to develop fantasies about their families. The adoptive families couldn't handle it. And there wasn't any help available for them. These well-meaning middle class couples had adopted very special needs children and were left on their own to solve whatever came up.
Eventually, New York instituted a system of guardianship. Children were not relinquished in adoption, but were placed with a guardian-often extended family members. The family connection was not broken and the guardian was given a lot of on-going support. This worked much better. One of these plans is now starting to take hold here in California is to work with extended family guardian or foster families near the community where the child has grown up. This lessens the trauma of separation and transition.
Susie: Recently, there was an all-day rally in Oakland sponsored by adoption agencies to create awareness of the kids in foster care in the Bay Area. The names of about 2000 adoptable children were read out and interested adults were told that the requirements for becoming an adoptive parent are not so strict as one might think. These are mostly African American and Latino children and many with special needs as they have been in "the system" for some time. What do you think about this kind of community "service"?
Reuben: I think it can work very well to have the involvement of the community. The key is on-going support of some meaningful kind. Otherwise, you could have the failed New York kind of experience. One good example that comes to mind is the adoption programs that are in many African American churches here in the L.A. area. A member family agrees to adopt a child that needs a home. Then the whole congregation supports this adoption in every way. The ties with the birth family are NOT severed, the child stays in his community and there is no secrecy. There are many successful models like this.
Susie: Do you have any thoughts or concerns about children who are in international adoptions today?
Reuben: Of course. And I believe there are many myths about there being fewer issues with a child adopted from abroad based on not having to deal with the birth family. It's not true. The issues are just the same and more so. First you have to be sure you're dealing with a reliable agency and that you know what you're doing. There can be huge expenses if you don't.
Also, we need to look at the long term goal. When you start taking the next generation out of a country, what is the long term effect? The future of the country is changed because it depends of the next generation. This is a long-standing moral and philosophical concern for me. Native Americans have held this point saying that we cannot remove their children from the reservations because it will cause the tribe/culture to die out.
The Korean situation of a generation or so ago is very different from what is happening from say the Eastern European countries today. The Korean young people have been able to go back to Korea and establish a relationship with their extended birth families. The couple who adopts now from Russia, for example, often thinks once they get the child here that child is theirs. They have no plan or intention or means to remain in touch with the birthfamily. There are a lot of problems with many of these children--some even ending up in residential facilities.
Most Chinese adoptees can only have a generic heritage story. Their background is completely obliterated when they leave China. The Chinese government has said that they know of our closed system and believe this is what we want. However, if the adoptive parents demand information, before they leave China with the baby is the time to get all the information that's available
This raises the issue of what I think about adoption in general. I believe that adoption is here to stay and it's needed. I only have a problem with how we do it. There are many, many children who need permanent homes. But, those from abroad should be linked with a contract that says..."We will help you, but for every child that's placed here, you have to make a plan to place a child in your country. We will help you develop your own resources like setting up agencies." And this is time limited--for say, ten years.
Susie: Reuben, I'm interested in hearing about your current work with adoptive parents. What are they asking you for?
Reuben: Lots of information is available out there, but it's not always in the best interest of their children. Adoption is being featured all around us -- Oprah, "Secrets and Lies," television. There's a lot and it isn't all good. Parents realize they have to be prepared to protect and inform their children. For example, most of the children adopted today have siblings. What is the best way to handle this? This is a hard question and parents want to have available to them the tools they need to help their children. They want to be good parents and the drive is to do whatever is best for their children. So, they are reaching out as they realize they are lacking information.
In the beginning of my career with adoption, I was involved with ALMA and Florence Fisher and focused on the needs and issues of adoptees. Then I connected with CUB and added birthparents. And at some time, I realized that we have excluded adoptive parents in unfriendly ways. And they have, in turn, seen us in unfriendly ways. Then I got it that they are the group that we really should be focusing more on. They've got the kids! And they're not the enemy or an appropriate place for all our anger and hurt and hostility. We've been blocking opportunities when we need to make them part of the process. So, I began to shift my primary focus to working with adoptive parents and I've been doing educational groups with them for nearly twenty years.
One of the things that needs to be covered is the essential nature of the connection of the child with his birthmother. And adoptive parents need help with this. They need to see the birthmother as a real and loving person who has entrusted her child to them. And I do everything I can to facilitate their having contact with the birthfamily. Children need information about who they are and where they came from. Very often this will start off with pictures and letters exchanged. Then after about a year it tapers off-- usually by the birthmother. Then the adoptive family wants to know how to re-establish the connection. Birthfamilies need to know that it is important for them to keep in touch in an open adoption. Often seeing that their child is safe and well cared for in this open relationship enables them to move on with their lives. And when the adoptive parents get this and see there is no threat from the birthmoms, they can relax and get on with the job of parenting. This is the real value of good initial contact. Counseling and education can play an important part in this being successful.
Susie: What do you see as the greatest challenge for adoptees of all ages?
Reuben: Adoptees have the need to become knowledgeable about adoption. There is a lot of good literature available. There are support groups and it's their responsibility to learn about it. And I say this to the adoptive parents first. Your child needs to understand the issues of adoption. Adoption isn't a simple way to build a family. There are many complex factors. and dealing with them is a lifelong process. We used to get involved only when they were angry and hostile and hurting or when they began to search. The more an adopted child learns, the less "different" he will feel.
Susie: What do you say to an adoptive parent who says, "Mary doesn't ask about adoption, so I know she isn't interested."
Reuben: Well, first, I'd ask if the child is free to talk about it. "What is the climate in the home?" Often children think it's a big secret so they keep it a secret. "It's your responsibility as an adoptive parent to become educated about adoption so that you can talk comfortably with your child at all developmental levels in an informed way and so that you can educate your community." We should write this in the adoptive agreement from the beginning.
Susie: You and your son, Jonathan who is a clinical social worker, are scheduling groups for adoptive parents here in the Bay area. Can you tell us something about these groups?
Reuben: These are educational workshops designed to help adoptive parents understand adoption better. We've organized them to reach parents of specific age groups starting with 0 - 4 years old. The excitement of the preparation for and actual event of adoption is over. Regardless of how much education was done prior to placement , parents aren't fully available to take everything in because their focus was on other aspects of the child joining the family. Now, parents are in a heightened state of readiness with the child firmly a part of the family. This four-session program is for couples, single parents and adult family members who have recently adopted and are beginning to deal with some of the early issues. Topics will include: When to tell your child about adoption, How to discuss adoption with your child, How much to tell your child about adoption, Talking with family, school and community about adoption, Identity and self esteem, Birthparent issues, and Understanding and working with open adoption.
For more information, call Jonathan Pannor at (415) 487-6331.
Susan Love, M.A., MFCCI is an adoptive parent and an adoptee working in the Bay Area with families and individuals touched by adoption. For information or to discuss any aspect of this interview, call (510) 287-8981.
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