Breaking Birthmother Myths: One
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Breaking Birthmother Myths: One
by Skye Hardwick (c)2000 Do not use without Author's permission
The other day, I was talking with an old friend of the family. She's always been a nice woman, and she knows that I am a birthmom. She also knows of the openness of my adoption situation, and that I have another child that I am raising.
She and I were chatting away, and somehow, we got to talking about Russia. I thought that was an appropriate time to mention to her that one day, I wanted to adopt a child from Russia. To my surprise, this woman turned and glared at me as if I just confessed to a local bank robbery. In a patronizing tone, she said: "Really? That is interesting you being a birthmom and all?"
Before I could respond, she was wisked away by a family member, which was best, because I was ready to grill this woman about her ill-worded comment. Truthfully, I didn't have to ask her, because it was written all over her face.
Why does soceity hold birthmoms in some sort of frozen limbo? Reminds me of the saying, "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." As if a birthmother will never have her day in the sun. Always a birthmom, never a mom?
Yes, I will forever be birthmom to my daughter, but I will not always be young, unmarried, and broke. Thank the Lord, you will not find me the same girl I once was, but in her place will be a woman. A woman with a family, a husband, a career, and a future. Contrary to what some believe, there is a future after the relinquishment choice. And yes, I am grabbing a hold of it with both hands.
The family friend I mentioned earlier couldn't believe that a woman such as I ...who has "given up" her child ...could possibly step up and adopt someone else's child. Or possibly, she thought I was switching sides. As if I didn't like being a birthmom too much, so maybe I'd make myself look better by adopting. To equal out placing one child ...I could adopt one, right? Wrong. I could never replace my daughter with another child by birth--let alone one by adoption.
When I placed my daughter ...it wasn't a declaration to the world that I was a bad mom. Nor was it an admission that I would forever be a bad parent. Actually, it wasn't even a declaration that I would have been a "bad" parent even then. There is a huge gap between being bad ..and being the best. I'm sure I fell somewhere down in the middle, but my daughter deserved the better.
When pregnant with my daughter, I had to do two things:
- One: I had to look ahead into the future ...I had to see past the baby, which contains the more "easier" parental jobs such as; change diapers, feed every three hours, and tend to mounds of soiled clothing ...I had to see the toddler years; when my child would throw tantrums and I had to disipline her. I had to see the school-age child; when my daughter had to be taught right from wrong - I had to see the teen years; when my child would test me to the edge with back-talk, not doing chores, and possibly sneaking out.
How can I get safely to the teen years, when I couldn't offer my daughter a good foundation to build on?
- Two: I had to face my current parental ability. Yes, I could look down the road into my mid-twenties when I knew I'd be more ready to parent. But how would that help my daughter at age two? I had to see the me I was at that moment, and face reality. I couldn't hold my breath, close my eyes and jump into the lake of doubt clutching my daughter, and just hope that I will learn to swim ... someday. My child needed NOW.
Now, "now" has passed and here I am in the "then" - the future. I am close to my mid-twenties, and I can say that I am a good and loving Mom to my son. Someone once asked me , "Now that you know how being a single mom is ...do you look back on your daughter and think, 'I could have done this'."
No, I honestly never have -- because I couldn't have. I simply am not the same person I was then, so therefore, do not hold myself to those standards. I am now the parent to my son that I saw in the future for my daughter -- but I wasn't going to put my daughter in some sort of "limbo" until her mommy got it together. She needed parents that were there for the "now".
When I relinquished my rights to my daughter, I did not relinquish my rights to be a good parent to my future children. So do not judge the woman I am today ..by the girl I once was.
Skye Hardwick ? 2002
Do not copy, reproduce, or publish without Author's permissioin
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