LOOKING BACK OVER THE FIRST 15 YEARS OF REUNION
LOOKING BACK OVER THE FIRST 15 YEARS OF REUNION
. . . . a Continuing Adventure
By Carol Bird, Reunited Birthmother
REALITY! The passage from "Reunion Fantasy" to "Reunion Reality" is anamazing experience. Many birth parents enter into reunion with the adult child they relinquished as a baby decades before, only to face an onslaught of unresolved issues they've suppressed throughout the years of separation. The reality they find they must face is that the baby they remember in their mind's eye (or carefully constructed in their imagination over the years) is a grown up man or woman who is an uncannily familiar stranger. The fantasies we contrived over the years are blown to smithereens as the old wound reopens and we discover that the pain didn't "go away" after all, but remained hidden in the back of our minds. NOW, at Reunion, when we realize afresh how much we lost, our time of joy is invaded by depression and remorse, and feelings of anxiety return again and again during the long process of reunion and healing.
The Adoptee faces her/his own emotional upheavals. . In most cases the adoptee has often reflected on her/his biological background over the years. They look for answers: "Who is this person in whose womb the first nine months of my life were spent? Why did she give me up? Now that we've come together again, what kind of relationship can we have? Will her parents, husband and children accept me? Will my parents be supportive or will they be hurt because I need to know who I am? Is it possible to have her (them) in my life, and if so, WHERE do they fit and where do I fit in THEIR lives? When they don't have the answers, they too contrive their own.
Those of us in the adoption triad -birth family, adoptee and adoptive family --are forewarned about the sometimes raging emotional turmoil often experienced by all parties during the early years of reunion The soaring highs and crashing lows of the "roller coaster ride"; the waves of uncertainty and unworthiness that creep back into our thoughts every now and then bringing that awful fear of rejection. Believe me, ALL of us struggle with these intense feelings and only TIME, TRUST, EMPATHY and WILL can carry us through the storm. It is well worth the struggle.
I've received uncountable numbers of email posts from biological mothers and fathers, adoptees and sometimes even adoptive parents who express joy at finding our website because "I am no longer alone . . . I've found people who understand . . . people I can talk with, a place to vent my disappointments, sing my joy, cry with--and the "virtual" hugs we all need so much during these times.
Fifteen years ago, on December 16, 1986 a telephone message left on my answer machine changed my life forever; in fact the changes continue today.
It was a call that I had prayed for through 32 years of grief and remorse-- a call that I finally gave up expecting. It was my daughter, Susan, who I named Maricarol, " before giving her up to adoption in February 1954.
How can any of us forget the long, hope-filled wait and the first letter or phone call leading to reunion? . How can we forget the countless thousands of prayers we said asking for just a chance to meet her/him. ; just some sort of closure to give us peace -- even if we couldn't have a relationship; just to KNOW s/he is well and happy, that would be enough. . (Who did we think we were fooling? )
That day in February 1954 when I held Susan in my arms for the first and last time, I vowed to her that when she turned twenty-one I would open pathways to my identity so she could find me if she felt the need (please, please! ).
Like most mothers who relinquish their child to adoption (willingly or unwillingly) I didn't want to interfere in her life. Like most, I lived with the hope that someday she'd want to know me. I wanted to explain WHY I gave her up. I wanted her to know never a day passed in which I hadn't thought of her and cried over my loss of her. (Sounds familiar doesn't it? )
Within two weeks after that phone call-weeks filled with the exchange of life stories, piles of photos and many phone calls-I boarded a plane to Washington, D. C. to meet my dear baby for the second time in our lives. There is no way to describe the emotions I felt upon holding my grown-up daughter in my arms after so many years of separation. I had no feeling of strangeness when I looked at her and hugged her. I "knew" her well because, though I was a stranger to her, she has always been "my daughter. " to me. Looking at her (and my baby granddaughter) was like looking through an old family album filled with photos--I saw myself! When my son-in-law placed my five month old grandbaby in my arms and I looked into those big brown eyes I couldn't contain my joy. She felt like she belonged in my arms.
I still can recall the flood of joy and wonder I felt at that moment and through the too-short days that followed. The visit was much too short for the mother of a first and only child, and a first-time Grandmother, but the promise of many visits in the future kept me going. In fact, I returned home with plans to visit them in their new home in Michigan the following month to celebrate her thirty-third birthday. I could go on and on about that first visit, but I would probably just be repeating stories told by other "birth" mothers about their first "face-to- face" meeting.
I was little prepared for the emotional trauma that would follow during the months and years to come. I am a mother, but I've never "mothered" my child. I never married and Susan was my first and only child. Though I had a close and loving relationship with my six nieces and four nephews, I was a klutz in the art of motherhood and grandmothering. I WANTED to be "Mother" but I soon discovered that was a dream never to be realized. My daughter already had a mother and it would take me a very long time to resign myself to that reality. I had to settle for "Carol, my birthmother. "
My experiences during the years of our reunion are described in past articles posted in our website's Library (http://www. adopting. org/readroom. html). The road winding its way up and down the hills and over the rock strewn road through reunion was a rough one for both of us, though I must admit that my daughter was far better prepared than I. During those early months I was still hanging on to my 32 years of fantasy, while at the same time expecting rejection to rear its ugly head. (It never did, thank Goodness! )
I often wonder how things would have gone if we had The Internet and the life-saving support of sites like Adopting. org and others that offer help to Adoption Triad members. In fact, in 1975, when I set out to fulfill my promise to my baby, there were very few support groups, and Emma May Vilardi, founder of the International Soundex Reunion Registry (ISRR), was still diligently laboring over her creation.
Having our own personal computer at home wasn't even a dream (computers
took up huge facilities of their own in those days). The Internet, a government international communications setup, wasn't open to the public until the late 1980s or early 1990s. We weren't even aware of its existence. But, it wasn't long before the computer wizards of the world caught on and all of a sudden the spotlight turned to the Adoption Triad with all of its joys and woes and broken spirits. . . and suddenly we longing birthmothers and our searching children found help.
Adoptee and Birthfamily Support Boards and Issues Forums offering opportunity to reach out to one another and share experiences and understanding began to appear. Later the Chatroom concept was introduced and we had a place we could go on a regular basis to air our concerns, issues, pain, woes, experiences, and to discuss problems and solutions.
When Susan and I reunited, there was little help for women like me. No one even thought to urge us to seek counseling. . . we were expected to forget about the experience. There were few, if any books and articles to guide us through the bad times during the 50s, 60s and 70s. Few people wanted to listen to our sad stories. Most of us were too ashamed to seek therapy. Like tens of thousands of unmarried, pregnant girls of the post 1980s, we were expected to "put it all behind" us; to "go on" with our lives. (What idiot dreamed THAT one up? ). Enough said about that, by now you've all heard the horror stories about the condemnation and shame birthmothers suffered during the sealed record decades of Adoption.
SO --I made just about every mistake possible during the first three years of my reunion with Susan. I wanted so badly to impress my daughter and son in law?wanted so much to "fit" into their lives and have their approval-- that I tried TOO hard and as a result came close to suffocating them all and nearly destroying the still-unfolding reunion process.
But Susan (trained in psychology and not the quitting type) held on, and amazingly we survived.
Today, that five-month old cuddly cherub I first laid eyes on December 30 1986, is a tall, attractive, brunette teenager who will celebrates her Sweet 16th birthday in the Summer of 2002 School and driving lessons are her main interests and she already towers over me by 2-plus inches. Oh, the years are so swift.
About 14 months after our reunion, the bonding with my first granddaughter well on the way, another cuddly granddaughter with big brown eyes, electrified blond wisps of hair and an always ready smile joined us. Kyla has grown into a slim, brown-eyed blond who, nearing fourteen, is already as tall as I am (5'2") and is still growing. She plans to be a veterinarian (or writer, editor of a magazine about dogs, lawyer, artist, actress; yes ALL of that) and adores all animals.
These delightful young ladies and their Mom and Dad have given me a new lease on life. The girls grew up knowing me as Grandma. They know all about the adoption and it didn't seem to upset them at all. We bonded early and developed a good relationship over the years, even though we are separated by more than a thousand miles. I took to Grandmothering like a bee to sweet pollen. Early on I learned to amuse them by digging back into my own childhood to come up with ways to knit us closer as they grew from babyhood, to toddler, to tot, grade school student, through middle school and now highschool. They are much like me, so it was easy to guess what would catch their interests.
Life today is far different from what I envisioned in my fantasies. There was no bonding as mother and daughter, "and they lived happily ever after. " Instead there was a "connecting" of sorts. As the reunion years unfolded I learned to identify more with Susan, growing in understanding and commitment. I found myself content to settle for a very different role in her life than I once envisioned. By the middle of the second year I was shaken by the realization that I was so wrapped up with my own emotions that I had never really given much thought to the life Susan had between February 1954 and December 1986 (Reality! ). All I thought about was the fact that my daughter was in my life and now the sun would always shine.
The "Reunion Honeymoon" only lasted a couple of months. Susan and I had our first misunderstanding not even two months after that meeting in Washington DC at the end of 1986. It was the first of several that left both of us mentally battered and stressed out. . . and led me to FINALLY reach out for help.
Reality was a shock. Accepting the fact that this longed-for only child of mine was not only a married woman and mother in her 30s, but was also "someone else's daughter. " She had a Mom and Dad she dearly loved, along with an older sister and younger brother with whom she shared a lifetime of memories. She had aunts and uncles and cousins who continue to adore her. "My Baby" grew into adulthood as part of a secure and loving family. She was adopted by a unique pair of loving parents who endowed her with a set of values that have helped mold her into the beautiful, caring person she is today.
Yes, indeed she has a lot of me in her. Since our reunion fifteen years ago she seems to have freed a lot of talents she was unaware of having before reunion. She has inherited qualities from her birth father as well as from me. As I look back now, I wonder how she juggled her diverse roles to come out in one piece.
It was a long struggle to finally banish those long held fantasies and buried memories, pains, resentments and hangups. Facing reality has been a bittersweet experience, but something I learned to realize I had to face if I was to have a lasting relationship with my daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren. It was hard work. I entered therapy and learned about ME. I slowly and painfully drew out the bitterness and pain that I had unconsciously harbored for so many years. I talked about my feelings and accepted (and even learned to LIKE) myself.
By the mid 1990s, "while surfing the Net" I met Sandra Lenington and began to frequent her website, Adopting. org. At her urging I accepted the challenge of hosting a Birthfamily Forum for older birthmothers in closed adoptions. In Summer 1999 I agreed to host a Birthmother's Chat Room on the site. Both the Forum and Chatroom continue today.
Frankly, I think that these activities are what REALLY helped me to heal. I discovered that helping other birth mothers and adoptees through the early stages of reunion was a powerful tonic and I urge other adoptees and birthmoms to reach out to others giving them the courage and support they need during the stressful times of reunion and healing.
December 2001 marked success of sorts. Susan and I have survived the emotional turmoil of those early years of reunion. We've stumbled and erred and a few times even took the wrong course during the fifteen years of reunion, but we managed to create a lasting relationship. While I want to see more of them (it seems that the stretches between visits are longer these days) I accept the fact that they have a very active life and it is important that
they have space of their own. . I'm on the far side of 65 now and make fewer trips to visit than I did the early years, and they have other vistas to explore; I miss them very much, but I am strangelycontent.
I don't feel "abandoned" or lonely like I did those first few years when the time between visits stretched. I am secure in my relationship with them all now. I have a very good relationship with my daughter's parents and siblings and other family members. I KNOW that I am loved: it shows in Susan's regular "updates" and the piles of photos she continues to send me. It's in the on-line giggles of the girls when we chat and play with Smileys and color on the IM and it's in the bulging file folders of letters, email, cards, drawings, etc. that they've sent to me over the years.
I continue to learn a lot about my daughter and her life, and the experience of watching my granddaughters grow up has helped to ease the pain I once lived with.
-- I've learned PATIENCE & UNDERSTANDING.
-- I've learned that while it is impossible to change the past, it IS possible to find a special place in the lives of this special family of mine.
-- I've learned to love and respect those wonderful l people who took my place in parenting our daughter.
--I've discovered that there is no room for envy in this relationship; jealousy can only cause bitterness. Each of the parents (me included) have their own special place in my daughter's life.
-- I've learned that just because I don't receive weekly phone calls and letters, or daily instant messages or e-mail doesn't I'm being "rejected. " All it means is that my daughter is busy being Mother and Wife and PERSON and my grandangels are discovering themselves and the world, and when they have time, they'll update me. I've a place in their hearts.
-- I've learned to appreciate the fact that they all have their own lives to live and while THEY are the axis on which MY world turns . . . I am NOT the axis for THEIR world.
-- I've learned to give them the space they need and not to force myself into their lives. Wow, what a difficult lesson that was/is!
-- I've learned that no matter how hard I prepared for the onset of their teens, I still got a jolt when Grandma Carol was put on hold. (I will survive these years, too! ).
-- I've learned that I really can "go on" with my life now ( even in my Golden Years! )
-- I've learned that no one is beyond help and NO reunion is impossible.
-- I've learned that the best thing I ever did was begin therapy. (Wish I had done that way, way back! )
-- I've learned that sometimes you have to get a little rough with people (and yourself) when we insist on wading (or sinking) in the pity pit and or playing "pass the blame. " To vent and even cry now and then is okay, but when you catch yourself constantly calling up the hurtful memories, it's time to wake up.
-- I've learned that birth mothers should not keep secrets; that secrets will feed on us and often cause continuing grief and insecurity. Secrets do have a habit of being found out, too, causing much embarrassment and discomfort in later years.
-- I've learned that I am a good person and my experience as a birth mother has helped me to develop an inner strength that helped me to survive the years to come to this "Time of Reunion. "
-- I've learned that NOTHING in life runs smoothly. Challenges help us to mature and teach us compassion and courage.
- I've learned NEVER, NEVER to give up. That sometimes we have to "back-off" from our relationship with our adult child or birth parent and take a breather to allow ourselves time to process our true feelings. Keep contact, yes . . . overwhelm, NO!
-I've learned that no matter what I do, this Reunion will unfold the way it is meant to unfold; it needs no push-pull from me-just quiet prayers.
Today, as I write this -- just a weeks after the 15th anniversary of that December 16th, 1986 phone call from Susan, I am comfortable with myself. I am comfortable with my daughter and her family and I firmly believe that though giving up Susan stunted my life in many ways, it was the best thing I could have done for HER.
Here's to all of YOUR Reunion Anniversaries . . . Have a fantastic adventure.
Love'n Hugs, Carol
January 2002
| Adoption Profiles |
|
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.