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This article cannot address every aspect of your experience--the topic is just too broad. It focuses on the most common experiences of parents who have voluntarily placed their infants and is divided into four parts.
Part 1 is a brief overview of the impact that adoption may have had on you. It focuses on three topics: coping with grief, romantic relationships, and parenting issues.
Part 2 discusses your experiences during three time periods: (1) the birth and placement of the child, (2) the years after placement but before the child becomes a legal adult, and (3) the time after the child becomes an adult. Specific coping issues for each period are addressed.
Part 3 looks at ways that you can cope with your feelings and gives specific options for facing your grief.
One point to remember is that you are not alone. Many others have felt the same feelings and had the same experiences as you. A number of birth parents have come forward and are willing to offer help, as are others in the adoption field.
Coping with Grief
All birth parents must deal with
grief. Many are sad about not
being able to raise or have a
relationship with their child.
Some have said that they
eventually adjusted to the loss of
the child, but that the pain and
grief lasted a very long time.
Others have said that life was
never the same after placing the
child. Birth parents' whole lives
are affected.
If you are a birth parent whose adoption was arranged confidentially, you may have many questions. You probably do not know what became of your child. You don't know if your child's life with the adoptive family is happy and if the child is loved and treated well. You may wonder if the adoptive parents ever told the child he or she was adopted. If so, you may wonder how they spoke about you. You may question what it would have been like to have raised your child. Unanswered questions such as these can be very difficult to deal with.
Most people at some time in their lives experience grief when they are separated from a loved one. However, in adoption, there are no standard grieving processes or approved rituals to help birth parents cope. When a well-liked co-worker accepts a new job in a new city, there is often a going away party. When a loved one dies, there may be a religious service, a wake, a funeral, and visits to the survivors' home by friends and relatives. But birth parents' grief is distinct from most other types of grief, because it is not always socially acceptable to talk about what happened.
Unresolved grief can cause problems in a number of areas. It can affect romantic relationships, parent-child relationships, the ability to work effectively, and a person's feelings of happiness and usefulness. If you are having trouble in your life, it could be related to your not having fully grieved for the child you placed for adoption.
For most birth parents it takes time to move past the initial grief of placing a child for adoption. Some realize they need professional help to deal with the emotions that accompany the loss. Others feel fairly positive from the beginning about the adoption decision and accept that the decision brought with it certain consequences. But just about all birth parents wonder how their son or daughter is doing, especially when the child has reached the age for important events such as starting school, graduating from school, getting married, or becoming a parent.
Romantic Relationships
According to Merry Bloch Jones'
book Birthmothers: Women Who
Have Relinquished Babies for
Adoption Tell Their Stories, many
birth parents report difficulty in
their romantic relationships
following placing a child for
adoption. As a group, birth
parents seem to do things in
extremes. Either they marry the
first person who comes along so
that they become "respectable"
members of society, or they stay
away from a partner for years.
Some divorce and marry, again
and again. Some marry an
abusive partner, subconsciously
punishing themselves. Some
marry a rich partner they don't
love so they will have financial
security and never again be in
the position of having to give up
a child because of the lack of
money. Some may even marry a
decent, loving, supportive
person, but get so caught up in
their unresolved grief that the
marriage falls apart.
Some couples who planned the adoption together get married and have other children. Other birth parents choose not to get too dose to any one person ever again. They go from one relationship to the other on purpose, because to them intimacy and loss are always linked.
A third of the birth mothers that Jones talked to said they have happy marriages. The marriages are happy because their partners continue to be supportive of their need to talk about the birth parent experience and of their search for ways to help them grieve. Some who don't get it right in their first marriage do get it right in the second one. They say a large part of getting it right is learning to forgive themselves.
Parenting Issues
Birth parents also often reflect
extremes when it comes to
parenting. Many have children
immediately after getting
married, others not for years.
Some have only one other child,
others more than three. Some
are overprotective with their
child, because they are afraid
something will also happen to
this child. Others are distant
from their children, because
getting close reminds them of the
child they gave up. Almost all
believe that placing a child for
adoption affected the way they
parent and the way they feel
about their other children.
Some do not have other children, either on purpose, because they don't want to be reminded of their adoption experience, or because they or their partner cannot get pregnant again. Some marry partners with children, therefore becoming stepparents. Some even adopt.
The following paragraphs describe experiences that you or those you know may have gone through. These experiences are divided into three time periods, and the specific coping issues for each period are addressed.
Birth and Placement
Under any circumstances, giving
birth is an important event in the
life of a woman and her partner.
But giving birth knowing that the
baby will be placed for adoption
adds another dimension.
The birth experiences of women
who placed a child for adoption
are varied. Jones' book gives
many examples. For some, the
birth took place in an ugly back
room of a maternity home, with
very little medical care. For
others, it took place in a bright,
cheerful hospital with their
partner, family, and preselected
adoptive parents nearby. For
many it was somewhere in
between. Some were allowed to
see their baby. Some held the
baby, named the baby, and were
given some time to say goodbye.
Others had their baby whisked
away by nurses who said it
would be easier that way. Some
had lots of emotional support,
others did not.
Women interviewed by Jones described a number of reactions and emotions after the baby was placed. For some, after recovering physically from giving birth, the reality of what had happened sank in. To make it hurt less, they denied that what they had gone through was important. Other people also acted like it was no big deal and said the mother should just go back to whatever she was doing before she had the baby. Many women did just that.
Some women became angry, either at their parents, their partner, the adoption agency, or "society." They acted out, stole, lied, stayed out late, quit school, or got involved with a bad crowd. Or, they turned their anger inward and became depressed. They decided that they were absolutely worthless. They believed the people who said they were no good. They started to take drugs, drink a lot of alcohol, or drive carelessly. Some birth mothers get stuck in this phase for a long time, moving from denial to anger to depression over and over again. Birth mothers who get out of this cycle of emotions usually do so by doing one or more of the following things:
• Going to counseling;
• Talking with supportive
family members or friends;
• Attending birth parent support
group meetings;
• Writing their feelings down in
a story or poem;
• Writing letters, even if they
are not sent, to their child; or
• Holding a private ceremony
each year on their child's
birthday.
All of these are positive methods
for dealing with grief and
accepting the loss.
When Your Child Is a Minor
The emotions associated with
having placed a child for
adoption will always be a part of
your life. As a way of dealing
with your grief, you might
decide to try to find out how
your child is doing. If you were
involved in a confidential
adoption and you do not know
the identity of the adoptive
family, the only way to find your
child is to contact the agency or
attorney who arranged the
adoption. Many birth parents do
this, even though the child is not
yet 18.
If your adoption was confidential, you can write a letter "to the file" of the child to explain the circumstances of the placement and to tell the child that you love and wish the best for him or her. This can be very therapeutic. And it can be tremendously helpful to the child as well.
In one such case, the adoptive parents of an 11-year-old boy placed as an infant called their adoption agency for assistance because he was having self- esteem problems. He was convinced that since he was placed for adoption, he must be worthless. Though he and his adoptive parents had a good relationship, he expressed to them that he felt "unlovable."
The agency social worker retrieved the boy's file and found that the birth mother had recently sent a letter, her first communication with the agency since the time of the placement. The letter explained why she placed her child, in case he ever asked.
The adoptive parents read the letter to their son and they discussed it at length. His self- esteem "shot up like a rocket." He started to like himself more, do better in school, and get along better with his friends. The adoptive parents were extremely grateful. The adoptive and birth families have now started writing letters to one another, without disclosing their identities and with the agency acting as an intermediary an arrangement that is working out well for them.
You might decide to actually search for your child during the child's minor years. If you find him or her, you will have to decide if you want to contact the adoptive family or not. You might just want to observe from afar. Those that contact the family get different reactions. Some are positive and some are negative. You must be prepared for both. (See the discussion that follows about contact and reunion with adult adoptees.)
If you already have an open adoption, you have contact with your minor child. Sometimes initial agreements about the amount of contact can be changed. Perhaps you'd like to increase your visits or receive more photos. These changes may or may not be possible, but you can certainly try. Adoption professionals with experience in this area may be able to help you reach a new agreement.
What if you find out new medical information later in life? Many in the adoption field believe that it is definitely a responsibility of all parties in adoption to share medical information. For instance, if you or your partner develops breast cancer and you placed a daughter, that daughter ought to know about it. Some kinds of cancer run in families, and she ought to know so that she can be screened for breast cancer as early as it is recommended. In an open adoption, you can easily contact your daughter and her adoptive family. In a confidential one, it may be more difficult, but you should still try to do so through the adoption agency and/or the attorney.
When Your Child is an Adult
Your child is an adult when he
or she reaches age 18. If you've
been tempted to search all along
you may get an even stronger
urge once your child reaches
adulthood. The thought that you
could approach your daughter or
son as an adult is appealing. At
this age, he or she might be able
to understand more fully what it
was like for you when you were
faced with the placement
decision.
In the past, it was assumed that birth parents would never search for their adult adopted child, and certainly not their minor child. After all, they were expected to forget that the birth and the placement ever happened. But birth parents don't forget, and at least nowadays some do search.
Voluntary Registries
One route to take, short of an all-
out search, is to register with
voluntary registries for birth
parents and adult adoptees.
Check here for a free online registry and information.
This
lets your child know that you
would like to be found.~ A
registry works like this: You
leave the information about the
birth of the child along with your
address and telephone number.
You must keep your address and
telephone number current. You
can register at any time, even
years after the child is born.
When your child is an adult, he or she can call or write this registry. If what the child knows about his or her-birth matches the information the registry has about you, the registry will release your current address and telephone number to the child, and you could be contacted.
Should You Search?
According to leaders of national
search and support
organizations, more people are
searching now than in the past.
However, you may still wonder
if you should search. You worry
that your child may not be
interested in hearing from you.
You worry about the adoptive
parents. How will they explain
who you are to their family and
friends? What about your own
family members? What will the
effects of a search be on them?
How will they deal with a long
lost sister, brother, stepson, or
stepdaughter, and how will he or
she fit in with your family?
While you may want to take other people's feelings into consideration when deciding to search, your own feelings are also important. In cases where you felt forced by others to place your child and thus felt a lack of control over your and your child's futures, searching is a way for you to get back some of that control, fill in missing pieces, and move on. If you have a strong urge to seek out your adult child, many adoption therapists say you should follow it, as long as your actions are within the law and you undertake the search with some understanding of how your son or daughter might react. If you have a supportive spouse, adult children, friends, a therapist, or a birth parent group, they can help you deal with the reaction you get, whether it is positive or negative.
You may be worried that intruding into your child's life might harm the child, but research shows that a reunion often brings adoptive parents and children closer together The child learns that all the parent figures in his life care about him and his happiness. It can be quite beneficial.
Goals of Searching
If you do search, your goal
should be truth. You must be
willing to face whatever you
might find out, even if it's the
death of your child. The
information you learn may be
painful; however, peace of mind
most likely will come with the
pain. If you search for your
child only to find that he or she
won't take your calls, answer
your letters, or send a
photograph, at least you tried.
Others before you have found
that the process still helped them
set aside their fantasies and
accept their current life situation
with a more positive attitude.
Reunions
If you do find your child and
have a reunion, you will finally
get the answers to your most
pressing questions. You can be
sure that your child knows why
you placed him or her for
adoption, and you will learn how
the child turned out. But finding
a son or daughter doesn't solve
everything. It will not magically
restore self-esteem, erase the guilt
you may have felt through the
years, or make up for the time
you didn't spend together. These
issues still need attention. And
practical matters need attention,
too. Deciding how to spend time
with your child after finding him
or her, and how to combine that
relationship with your other
family relationships, can be
tricky.
Not searching is also okay. Searching is presented here as one way that some birth parents have dealt with their feelings. Dirck Brown, Ed.D., a nationally known leader in the adoption reform movement, a reunited adult adoptee, and a therapist, says, "Reunion promises no happy endings, only new beginnings, each with the promise that those involved may become more fully themselves."
Support Group
Meetings/Conferences
Some national birth parent
support organizations have local
chapters. One well-known
organization is Concerned United
Birthparents (CUB). Other birth
parent support groups are not
part of a network and are
independent, local organizations.
Two examples are Birth Mothers
of Minors (B.M.O.M.S.) in New
York City, and Birthparents in
the Open in Santa Cruz
California. Other groups are
sponsored by adoption agencies,
such as the Barker Foundation in
Cabin John, Maryland, and the
Lutheran Social Services of
Wisconsin and Upper Michigan
in Milwaukee.
No matter how they are organized, birth parent support groups generally have the same purpose in mind: to offer comfort, sympathy, and an opportunity to talk with others and exchange information. For many, a support group is one of the few places where everyone understands the birth Parents' point of view and people express their feelings openly. It is an environment in which you can tell your stories and hear about otner people's experiences. Said one birth mother after she attended her first support group meeting, "I never knew there were other women walking around with my same guilt and rage. For the first time in over 20 years, I didn't feel so utterly alone!"
Some of the national birth parent support groups hold regional and national conferences. These meetings offer the opportunity to get support and information from a larger group of people. While some focus on political or policy issues, others cover a wide range of topics designed to enhance the quality of life for birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. A birth father attending a conference of the Council of Equal Rights in Adoption in New York City said, It's a chance to mingle with many more birth parents than the core group of 10 or so that show up at my local support group meeting. You hear speakers with a national reputation, and you're sitting in a large hotel ballroom filled with birth parents and adoptees. There's still not enough birth fathers there, but it's a start.
A birth mother in California named Curry Wolfe started another organization with a very specific purpose in mind. Even though she had found her adult child and had been a member of birth parent support groups, she wanted to connect with other women who lived in the same maternity home that she lived in while she was pregnant. When she did that, she experienced even further healing. She started Birthparent Connection because she wanted to help other women heal, too.
A birth father now in Florida started the only national organization specifically designed to help birth fathers. Jon Ryan started the National Organization for Birthfathers and Adoption Reform (NOBAR), which predominantly provides support and advocacy to birth fathers concerning their legal rights. Says Ryan, "Birth fathers have most of the same feelings as birth mothers about adoption. Many are angry and unhappy being separated from their children.... In my contacts with birth fathers I've found them to be the total opposite of the stereotype of the uncaring, neglectful guy who is relieved not to have to support a child he fathered." NOBAR helps fathers in a number of situations, encouraging them to get good counseling during their partner's pregnancy, to be involved in the placement decision if adoption is their choice, and to get legal counsel to prevent the placement of a child they want to raise.
Counseling
You might find individual or
group counseling with a
counselor who is knowledgeable
about adoption issues to be very
helpful. An experienced
therapist can help you untangle
which of your concerns are
adoption-related and which are
adjustment issues that many
people in your stage of life go
through. You might work on
relationship, self-esteem, or
parenting issues, as well as
discuss whether to search for
your child. The outcome of a
search can lead to many different
emotions that a therapist can
help you sort through.
Searching
Searching is another way that
birth parents cope. Some of the
issues related to searching were
discussed above. Searching can
take a number of routes: using
support groups; hiring an
investigator or search consultant;
reading literature; surfing the
Internet; contacting agencies or
attorneys' offices; or hunting
down clues yourself. For more
discussion of this, read "Searching for Birth
Relatives."
Communicating
Adoption issues often receive a
large amount of media coverage.
But more importantly, there are a
number of books, newsletters,
magazines, and on-line
information services that
concentrate specifically on birth
parent issues. These can be
especially helpful and comforting
if you live in an area where there
is no support group or if you are
not able to travel to national or
regional conferences.
Until recently, there weren't many books about birth parents issues available in public libraries. Now there are a number of books available written by birth parents about their experiences. There are also some books by journalists or researchers who interviewed birth parents.
The larger, nationally based support groups have published newsletters for a number of years. Recently some new newsletters have become available. At least two are for more recent birth mothers who are maintaining contact with their minor children. Their concerns are somewhat different than those of older women whose children are grown and whose adoptions were confidential.
There are also a number of magazines that focus on adoption. Some have a general focus but have specific articles that are of interest to birth parents. Some are about adoptee-birth parent searches and reunions. So far there are no magazines that exclusively address birth parent issues, but who knows what the future will bring?
On-line information services are another tool birth parents can use to communicate with one another. There are general adoption "forums" or Conferences on these services and specific subsections for birth parent issues. People share stories, information, and resources and become fast friends traveling on the adoption portion of the information superhighway. All you need is the hardware, the software, and a little training to learn how to communicate using this technology.
Written by Debra G. Smith, ACSW,
while director of the National Adoption
Information Clearinghouse, 1995
naic@calib.com.
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