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for the Children? by Ellen Sarasohn Glazer, LICSW
I spent the last two weekends at conferences. Two weeks ago I attended
the national meeting of The American Adoption Congress. Last weekend, an
international conference for nurses in reproductive medicine. At both meetings
people spoke about children being raised by parents with whom they have no
genetic ties. At both meetings they were talking about building families in
alternative ways. I only wish that they could have listened to each other.
Actually, my wish is that attendees at the second conference--the
nurses--could have heard what the adoptees had to say. I wish they could have
heard the poignant, powerful accounts of the adoptees' experience of being cut
off from their genetic heritages. I wish that they could have heard adoptees
speak of their searches, not for new parents or "real" parents, but for roots, for
ties, for truths.
The nurses--from throughout the United States and Canada--conversed
about embryo donation and anonymous egg donation. They spoke of the
mechanics of organizing a "program", of the medical protocols, of consent
forms and of support for the donors and the recipients. What was strikingly
absent from their conversation were any questions or concerns about what it
means to intentionally create children knowing that they will not be raised by
both of their genetic parents. The nurses spoke compassionately of the needs
of adults involved, but made no mention of the children.
Who speaks for the children? I am increasingly concerned by the haunting
silence. Will there will be no voice for the children until it is too late? Adoptees
talk of the difficulties they experience with "geneological bewilderment"--the
term they use for the experience of living without full knowledge of their genetic
heritage. They have much to teach us, but does anyone want to learn from their
experience? They tell us that children have a deep need to know where they
came from. They want us to know that this is an inalienable right. They want us
to know also that pain comes not only from not knowing the truth about one's
origin, but from being cut off from that truth.
At the nurses conference I was a gadfly, a big mouth, a pest. I asked
nurses how they could do it. Point blank I asked them how they could
participate in the creation of children who would be separated from their
genetic heritages. To my surprise, several acknowledged that they share my
concerns. One woman turned to me and said, "I wonder how long I will be able
to do my job. I wonder when the time will come when I feel that I simply cannot
do what I am asked to do in good conscience." Others were less forthright, but
implied that they try not to examine their ethical concerns, but to simply regard
themselves as doing a job.
One Canadian nurse told a chilling story. At the program she works in
women are permitted to bring in their sisters as donors. However, instead of
using the sister's donations for their infertile siblings--hence creating children
who would know and be connected to their genetic origins--they are using the
sister's eggs for other recipients and doing so anonymously. When asked how
she can abide by such an arrangement, the nurse acknowledged that she is
trying to change it. Unfortunately, change comes slowly--if at all--in her program.
While she works at "altering policy," children are being created who will face
many of the questions that have so long and so deeply troubled adoptees. My
fear is that for them, "geneological bewilderment" will be all the more intense
because of the intentionality of their creation: adults had a choice and chose to
separate them from their genetic heritages.
At a recent American Adoption Congress meeting, attendees --including
birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees--had the following words
encircling each of their name tags, "May the circle be unbroken." That is the
lesson that they are asking the rest of us to learn: there are connections in
families that should not and cannot be broken. Adoption, as a response to a
social problem, has had to be a part of an interrupted circle, oftentimes with
very troubling consequences.
My hope is that people working in reproductive medicine will begin to talk
with adoptees and that they will listen. I suspect that what they will hear are
words of caution and that the message they will take away is that love is not
enough. Children need loving parents, but most tell us--in one way or
another--that they also need roots, a history, a sense of connection. Those who
do not know their full histories, say that it feels "like a piece of me is missing."
The stakes are high: we must be careful lest there come a generation of
children in search of roots. I fear for their longing, their desperation and
disconnection and for the questions they will ask of those who so boldly, blindly
gave them the "gift" of life.
Ellen S. Glazer, LICSW
Ellen Sarasohn Glazer, LICSW, is a clinical social worker specializing in infertility and adoption counseling in Newton, Massachusetts. The author or co-author of several books, she most recently coauthored Choosing Assisted Reproduction: Social, emotional and ethical considerations (Perspective Press, 1998) with Susan Lewis Cooper; revised The Long Awaited Stork: A guide to parenting after infertility (Jossey-Bass Publishing); and edited Experiencing Infertility: Stories to inform and inspire (Jossey-Bass Publishing). Ellen can be reached by email at eglazer@gis.net.
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