Adopting.org Discussion Forums

If you think fathers can be overly protective of their daughters' virtue, think again! They've got nothing on birthmothers, as you'll see in this Application for Relationship.

Continue reading So You Want to Have Sex?

not funny

What ever happened to sex education, birth control or better yet, abstinence?

I think every young sexually active person(and by young person, I mean anywhere from 16-30) has at one point in his/her life had a pregnancy scare, regardless of whether birth control was involved or not. As a 29 year-old, I've had at least one, and it's always a scary experience. I can't imagine what it would be like had any of those situations actually been "real" and not just scares. I don't know what decisions I would have made. Like anything else though, I think it takes a different number of these scares, and I would think, fewer pregnancy realities (one?) when you're not in a committed relationship or in a relationship with a person that can share in the decision-making process before you hit your threshhold and start to think that perhaps the problem is not the people you're choosing to engage in sexual activities with, rather your own way of thinking and life choices. I know this little survey is supposed to be a somewhat "whimsical" look at a serious isssue, but looking at it makes me wonder what happened to personal responsibility in this confusing mess that is sexual relationships. I know when I started to truly understand the consequences of my personal decisions and analyze the qualities I was looking for in another person (both things that are the product of growing up, maturing and a little bit of trial and error) the number of potential sexual partners I met decreased. It suddenly didn't seem worth it to give someone physical intimacy unless that person had the potential to fit in with my life plan, and unless that person is capable of making important decisions with me.

I think one of the keys to finding a successful relationship for anyone, but particularly those that have given birth and been unable previously to care for their child for whatever reason, is learning about your own true goals and mission in life, and establishing a close circle of friends and loved ones that will support the achievement of these goals no matter what. Through support and confidence, you can find a caring romantic relationship to enhance your life.

So backlash, since my partner and I decided to place our son for adoption our relationship isn't successful? I think you need to slow down with your sweeping assumpions of what first parents are. I know several women that are still in relationships with their baby's father, non abusive, successful relationships at that. Not everyone that places a child for adoption is some kind of slut that is out sleeping around with everything with three legs or a person that is constantly making poor relationship choices.

So yippy gee, thanks for relationship advice, but I really don't think that all first mothers need someone to tell us how to choose a life partner.

I was actually responding to the very condescending tone of the article, which was clearly geared towards only one type of birth mom -- the one that is single, young and, as implied by the article (and not by me!) too immature to figure out relationships for herself.

Of course there are many different types of birth parents -- some are in committed relationships, some are single, some are in their teens, early adult-hood, late adulthood or somewhere in between. This particular supposedly "whimsical" piece clearly feeds into a narrow-minded assumptions about why parents choose the option of adoption, and I was expressing my frustration with the stereotype it feeds into.

I guess I just think the tone of the article was ridiculous, and I know I would be insulted were I a birth mother or father, regardless of my relationship past, present or future and my reasons for choosing adoption.

Just a quick note: This questionnaire was written by two young women who had placed their children for adoption - it was written as a way of talking about their own experiences - using humor (albeit cynical) to show the lack of support they received from the fathers of their children.

Thanks for the clarification! I know I wasn't completely clear on that, and I'm sure many others weren't either ... I think it's easier to jump to conclusions when confronted with different viewpoints about adoption, which can be both a loaded and touchy subject.

Then why didn't you say something about the stereotype it feeds into rather than going on about the choices that first parents need to make? Your post was pretty condescending as well.

Maja,

Sorry about the lack of clarity. I just got a little bit impassioned by the subject matter and didn't do a proper job of clarifying the basis for my position. It was not my intention to be condescending -- in fact, I was trying (albeit poorly!) to communicate my frustration with the tone of the article, but ended up having a similar tone in my post.