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Sinners or saints? Meet the women behind the myths. Fifty years of birth mother experiences.

Continue reading Real People: Birth Mothers

I to am a birthmother and placed in 1987. I have just been reuined with my son. It is the most amazing experience of my life. I too made the right choice in placing him for adoption. He has had a life that I could not of provided. I am married and have 3 other children and they are so excited to get to know by bio son.
Our journey is just begining and I am so excited to finally get to know him.

I think the idea of a "better life" for children is probably on most mothers' minds at some point, either during their pregnancy or during their children's childhoods, because it is human nature to envision ways to improve one's life and the lives of their children. Every mother wants their children to have a better life than they had as a child, or even as an adult as the child grows, but it truly takes a brave and amazing woman to recognize, often during the most tumultuous and difficult personal crises that their child might be better taken care of, loved and given better opportunities if they entrust that child to a more stable family than the one she can create herself. Not only is the child in question blessed with a beautiful life wrought with opportunities and possibilities, but she is also given the opportunity for a truly clean slate and the ultimate choice of being exactly who she was meant to be, but perhaps would not get to had her mother struggled to care for her. On top of that, the mother experiencing challenges gives herself the opportunity to change her own life and come out of her situation a better, stronger and profoundly different person that in the best of circumstances can one day extend her family, meet her adult child, explain her choices and enrich both their lives with friendship and understanding. It's so interesting to see all the many different stories of birth mothers that have gone through the process of adoption -- often their stories are not what you would expect, but they all have love in common!

For the woman who was raped by her brother, I can understand why she wouldn't want to be contacted and why she wouldn't want to have to tell her birth son about the rape she experienced, etc. But to me, this does not take away the son's right to know the history of his beginnings. I wish that, as a society, we could separate those two things. Of course, this woman shouldn't be forced to relive a nightmare, but someone needs to love him enough to tell him the truth about his parents. I understand that people fear it would be too much guilt for him or something, but he could also be taught to see himself as the only good result, the one redeeming feature of a horrible event. He was born and made life happier for his waiting adoptive parents!

Susan,

That is SO wonderful that you've had such a positive experience and are now able to expand your family in such a happy way. I hope the future brings you many happy memories and the chance to understand your son's life, where he has been and where the two of you can take your relationship!

All of these women should be commended for a difficult decision. Deciding to give up a child for adoption is excruciating and bittersweet. You know inside that you are doing the right thing for the child, but you also feel as if part of your heart is being pulled out. Having a child that was produced by rape, whether by a member of your family or a stranger, is difficult in itself. The feelings of guilt that it was all your fault and the simple fact that you are pregnant from forced sexual activity is hard enough to get over. Deciding the give that baby up for adoption is the best decision for that child unless you can separate the act from the child. These women should be thanked for such difficult and courageous decisions.

Birthmothers are real people with real problems and deserve our respect. Many times if the situation was different they would have kept their child. Many feel that they have no choice or that it is in the best interests of the child because they are too young, not settled, have problems,etc. This does not mean that they are bad people, it just means that they made a difficult decision because of a difficult circumstance. This article is great in giving the reader a great selection of views of birth mothers, which we as adoptive parents need to see.

This question could be asked of virtually every person on Planet Earth!!! There was one perfect person who walked on solid ground and they nailed him to a cross, so the rest of us pale by comparison. Birthmothers come in all sizes, denominations, social and economic backgrounds and colors. We each have a story that is as individual as we are. Some women are coerced into placing, some are at the end of their rope and have no options left, some are not capable of raising a child, but VERY FEW make this decision because they're just cold and heartless and have no feelings for their baby. We are both sinners AND saints. We came to this decision because it was in the best interest of the child, so we are NOT selfish. So, in doing what's best for the child, we are also giving the greatest gift anyone can give (especially to a complete stranger) and that's the gift of life. Most of us could've chosen abortion. We did not. Why would I want my "error" to impact the life of an unborn baby??? I am not elevating myself to sainthood, nor am I going to admit how much of a sinner I am, but I have to hope that there's a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow for finding my son. Sinner or saint? I am a little of each.

I Love your post Joshua's mom and I admire your ability to articulate for birth moms! I am an adult adoptee and searched and found my birth family over 10 years ago. Both my birth parents were deceased when I found. I have learned so much from facilitating adoption triad support groups the past 10 plus years in Indiana and currently in Chicagoland, IL. (Wheaton/Naperville) I love what you have to say and I say AMEN. Do read my post on this list today, Adoptees, and Others, Know the truth about Birth Mothers. In my adoption support group work I meet so many adoptees, from the closed era who know nothing about their birth mothers since records were sealed and adoptees were told little to no information. Because of this they "fill in the blanks" of their birth and adoption story. Sadly many adoptees are misinformed and a good number feel "rejected" and abandoned - yet they were given life and a family in a time of crisis. My passion is to help adoptees know the truth and help them come to see their birth mothers in the beauty of who they are and the gift of life they gave them!
Jody Moreen, Editor, Adoption Blessings Journal
www.adoptionblessingsnewsletter.com

There are many reasons why women relinquished there children yet myths still life on and the only way to stop this is for original mothers to be publically open why they did. I haven't made a secret about my son being relinquished since we have been in reunion. Despite this it horrifies me that so many people still think children are adopted to be saved from abuse, neglect, being taken from drug users/alcohol abusers/prostitutes, the mother isn't capable of bringing up they child or the mother is generally a bad person. People who know me don't judge me personally as they know the reason why my son was adopted and that it comes under a forced adoption. Basically I had no support plus my parents and case worker were determined it should go through so they were prepared to use any method to make sure it went through. I was a naive 19 year old who didn't know my rights so it wasn't difficult to push the adoption through.

Pip