Adopting.org Discussion Forums

Adoption language is a sensitive topic, and Sandra Falconer Pace of the Canadian Council of Natural Mothers explores two separate movements - both targeted toward respect: 'positive' or 'friendly' language and 'honest' language.

Continue reading Friendly or Honest Language?

I object to your use of the term "lost" in referring to children placed for adoption. The mother did not loose her child. She made a decision. I am offended that you would refer to any adopted child as lost. I did not find my child on the side of the road like a piece of property or choose him like an item off a grocery shelf. It was a decision I made to share my family with a child who needed a home. If you are going to critize terminology or language you must first use the proper terminology yourself. I chose to share my family through adoption, just as my child's biological mother who gave birth to him, hense the term "birthmother" chose to give up her rights to raise the child. Adoption is a choice on both sides. The term natural means an inate ability or inborn gene to accomplish something, so we are both naturals. You have offened me, my child and my family by referrong to him as lost through out your article.

I appreciate your attempt to give everyone a history lesson on terminology ~ but just as there are different situations which lead to adoption, there are different terminologys too. Nothing is black and white and nothing is universal.

Yes, my child was "legally" considered "lost" because her birthmom abused her so bad she lost custody of her (yes I did not honor her with the name of natural mom as no natural mom would harm their child in this way, but she did give birth to her) - anyway, after parental rights were relinquished, AD had no "legal" family for 70 days........although she was with me ALL of her life and we had filed papers to adopt her (she was placed with us straight from hospital), legal terminology refused to acknowledge us or any family she has.

Hence the terminology “legal orphan”.

No one asked my AD how she felt about the terminology “orphan” (although we were all alive), or asked her how she felt about being used as a shuffle by the courts and birth parents – no one asked her how she felt about being legally cut off from her siblings……………so there is no universal way to please everyone in regards to adoption.

If terminology is the worst thing – GREAT!

Saying that adoption is convincing a mother to give up her child so that another couple who can't have bio children can raise him/her does not take into account the individual stories of adoption. For every adopted child, birthmother, adoptive parent, there's an individual story.
In international adoption from certain countries, such as Russia and China, nobody "convinced" these birthmoms to give up their children. The choice was made to place them in orphanages, knowing that many of them would never find forever families.

I think the terminology was the whole point of this article in the first place ;-)

We just need to be sensitive to others' feelings; adoption is a touchy subject. I think the point is that sometimes honest language is called for.

It's good for me to remember that to take offense is also a decision, whether someone else is giving offense or not. In this case, there is no attempt to give offense.

There are many things in life I've lost, although it was my choice. When I chose to go away to college, I lost my childhood hometown. Just because I chose it doesn't erase my need to grieve the loss. If I tried to avoid the grief by saying I chose it, I would have only hindered my emotional health, as well as my adjustment to college.

I think that because adoption and everything surrounding it is such an emotionally-loaded term, it's very hard to step outside and see the millions of different circumstances and stories involved. Even those that have not been directly touched by adoption typically have strong opinions about it. It seems to me that we can only be honest about our emotions and try our best to see many different perspectives, and try to be tolerant even if we don't agree. Of course, part of being honest involves at least trying to keep in mind that there probably are dissenting opinions and be prepared to make statements in a sensitive but still open way. I know that's difficult for me to do with just about anything I feel strongly about! But it's learning about many different perspectives that helps us grow and learn, even if that growth and learning is REALLY hard sometimes.

I find it interesting that despite the article talking about adoption language, there is still a great deal of talk about a birthparent "giving up" his/her child. Language - in general - and the English Language - in particular - is a beautiful, subtle thing. Using the term "giving up" belies just that: that a birthparent has given up. While it's still better than "giving away" or selling, it's not much. Of course, I haven't really found a phrase that I like. "Placing a child" seems too clinical, too cold, to me. What I find interesting is that "giving" is the appropriate term, it's the words that we use to modify if it, afterward.

To give is a beautiful thing. When a birthparent makes the choice "to give" their child to another family to raise, it is the most selfless act that they can do. They truly are giving a piece of themselves to another human being whom they don't really know - even in an open adoption.

Regarding loss? There is no question that as a birthparent, one loses a child and s/he must be allowed to grieve, and a certain amount of understanding must ensue.

When I read this article, I also thought a lot about the idea of "giving up" a child. Without thinking about it, I've tried to always use other terms because that one just didn't ever feel right or representative coming out! I also really like the idea of "give" or even "gift" as better terminology to explain the experience. It describes the relationship of the child to both the first parents and the adoptive parents -- he/she is a gift to both, and it's as if the first parent is giving that gift again to another family, which is a beautiful thing indeed. Still, I don't know if any words can fully encapsulate the emotional complexity. I guess we just have to do our best to find loving terms that work for us!