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Adoption educator Brenda Romanchik suggests ways to resolve some of the language differences that exist in adoption.

Continue reading A Few Words on Words in Adoption

It's amazing how far we've come.

I agree, but language continues to be one of the sensitive topics in most adoption discussions I've seen. Seems that someone can find a way to take offense at something, and that some words just trigger reactions. It's interesting that in many non-English-speaking countries, the words for adoptive parent and foster parent are often interchangeable, and in many countries, "natural" mother is the accepted term for a birth/first mother (not natural as the opposite of unnatural, but natural as in "of nature") and adopting and adoptive parents are referred to as adopters (a term that is used in the US but that many don't like). Unfortunately, it isn't always possible to enter a conversation - especially on the Internet - and ask everyone what s/he prefers, so toes get stepped on and the controversy continues.

acrobat

I think being that adoption is still a touchy subject to some, how we refer to those in the adoption community becomes an issue.

Those who are simply considering adopting a child often get 'beat up' in forums if they call the mother of the child "our birth mother", rather than the child's birth mother. Or, at times, they can be scolded for calling her a birth mother while the woman placing is still pregnant and yet to place her child for adoption.

Then the issue of who the 'real' parent is drives me nuts. Everyone has a different idea or opinion on what is ideal, so it seems that there is never one correct term that suits everybody in a certain group, so it is based the individual.

So rude or not, maybe the best solution is to simply ask what a person chooses to be recognized as in the adoption community.

I agree that it's probably the "decent" thing to do. Even though ones that you talk to refer to the "birthmother" or "adoptive mother" in every day conversation as if it is the norm. I belive every situation needs to be addressed and determine what each side would be comfortable with.

Everyone has to work together for the good of the children!

I think the section heading "It's About Family" really says it all! I think it's exciting and wonderful that we're starting to see more and more families that really reflect the cultural diversity in the United States, and I think that adoption is really helping narrow some very troubling rifts between cultures, races, families and communities. I think it's truly amazing to see those looking to adopt embracing the challenges associated with adopting older children, children that come from a race or culture that is different from their own, and truly being open to changing what might, perhaps "politically incorrectly" differ from what they initially envisioned to be their "ideal" family make-up. I think it's heartening to see that everyone adopting are starting to truly think about how to talk to their prospective or current children and those choosing to give their children to loving families because they cannot provide the best home for them for whatever reason in a way that will be respectful to everyone involved. I think an important part of creating a true "family," regardless of whether it is through adoption or giving birth, is open and honest communication, and to start out that way from the very beginning is critical. This communication begins often before the child is even born when prospective adoptive parents can set the stage for communicating about adoption terminology with the biological parents of the child. This type of true loving communication spreads, and can truly start to create understanding and love among all members of even the most differently-structured families.

You know, if we weren't so attached in our culture to the idea that being #1 is best, or better than 2nd, we could just talk about "my first mother" and "my second mother." Surely, the woman with the power to make the first lifeshaping decision (to allow her child to live with and become part of another family) deserves to be acknowledged as that child's first mother. And really, there is no disrespect to the 2nd mother in that language. I'm my husband's second wife, but no reasonable person would argue that I'm not his "real" wife, nor do I feel diminished by acknowledging his ex as his first wife.

You're so right! There's definitely a stygma attached to being a "second," "third," "fourth" or any number other than "first" when it comes to anything, even human/family relationships. I think on top of that is the bad connotation of the word that is ever-implied by numbering things beyond "first," which is "replacement," particularly when it comes to adopted children and their adoptive parents. Who wants to be a "replacement" mother or father for a child? Of course, that's not at all how adoptive parents feel about their position, but that idea is often certainly in life's subtext for adopted children, adoptive parents, birth parents or all! It just further emphasizes the need to reform the way we talk and think about adoption and all its issues.

Wow! This article really made me think about what language I and other people that are around me use when talking about adoption. Taking a child into your home is taking everything that makes them who they are-including race, culture, country, etc. You are not only taking just the child but their whole being into your home. I think it is very important to celebrate and learn from their differences. We are all different, even if we are born into the same family, and children that are adopted should know this and be able to embrace it.

I agree with you here. My children say "my first dad" to talk about their birth father. They just naturally began saying this on their own adn I didn't see any reason to correct them. It is the way they see it in their eyes and it makes perfect sense to me as well.