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Therapist Marlou Russell, Ph.D. explains why she believes it's important to allow mother-child bonding without the presence of prospective adoptive parents before birth.

Continue reading Hello Before Goodbye

I don't think I could have said this any better myself. I believe Ms. Russell's article is very beneficial, something all birth mothers and adoptive parents should read.

Until a child is relinquished, all ties to this life remains the mother's, until she gives up her rights to parent that child. Adoption is a big deal, and it would be unfair to regard it as any less.

What an excelent article. I think in a hopeful adoptive parent's excitement over a possible match, or even a pregnant woman's enthusiasm over picking the "perfect couple" to adopt her child, it would be easy to get overly emotionally involved with the aparent/bparent relationship. Forming such a relationship before the pregnant woman is certain what kind of mother/child relationship she wants would make it difficult to make an informed choice.

I just read the article Hello before Good bye. I am 8 weeks and considering adoption option. I am glad I read this article it has given me something to think about. I have 4 other children also and have to think about them at the same time.

You shoulds not consider adoption if you do not know how to deal with it, adopting is a big issue, or giving your child for adoption is too. You have to think twice before making such a decision, but the bond that a mother shares with her child is exceptional and no one can change that.

What I love most about this article is that it acknowledges that the baby involved is a person with her own experience and set of relationships from the moment she is born. It is disrespectful when we try to make ourselve more comfortable by glossing over the fact that she must weather the loss of her first family before she can gain a beautiful new family.

Yes, the most extreme case I've known (and maybe it's common?) is one in which the 2nd mom actually checked into the hospital and spent the night before bringing the baby home. That way, she had pictures of herself in a hosptial gown, holding the new baby, etc. It struck me as being a little like that Margaret Atwood book, the name of which escapes me right now. Anyone know what I'm talking about?

This article presents such a good case for first mother bonding, which I think it not only important to the first mother so she can truly say good-bye and make her final peace (which will never truly be "peace," but can at least be temporary closure) with her child, but I would think also so she can prepare herself for the future, the possibility that this child will re-enter her life at one point if the child decides she wants to learn more about her past and her origins.

I think that, because of the build-up of excitement, it is often difficult for adoptive parents to "back off," and even more difficult for them to understand the difficulty of the decision and the challenge of the pregnancy for the first mother. Because it is such a moment of beginning and excitement for her, it is hard for her to envision that it is, for someone else, an ending and a time of closure that needs to be respected.

I too have heard stories of adoptive mothers that have spent the night in the hospital to "simulate" the experience of a real birth, and I just don't quite get it! The adoptive parents would not have the beautiful opportunity of this child had it not been for the love and care of the first mother. The love of the adoptive parents that have hoped for a child and received that gift combined with the love of the first mother will make the child the most loved on the planet when he/she finally enters the world; to honor and respect both types of love and give them space to breathe is the best gift anyone could give.

astrophysics, your mention of the first mother never having peace raises an interesting question for me. Does it really have to be that way? I mean, is it true that a first mother could never have peace about her decision?

I may be splicing your words too much. But sometimes, I think we're (I'm included in this) so used to idolatrizing motherhood, we think it's romantic or proves greater love if a mother can never have peace about losing her child. There may be layers of grief to go through at different times in our lives. I'm thinking here about a friend who was 19 when she lost her child. She went through a special kind of grief 19 years later, when the child she lost was the age she was when she gave him up. But that didn't at all mean that she suffered interminably or only had temporary closure.

My experience is that we can come to peace about anything - especially when we've made a decision with integrity - even if it's not exactly the way we had imagined our lives would go.

Other thoughts about this?

I think I was trying my very best (which maybe didn't come across perfectly!) to represent and acknowledge the diversity of experiences that first mothers (and first fathers!) experience. I am sure some are more "at peace" than others, and I guess I meant even the ones that are completely confident of their decision to give their child to an adoptive family don't ever stop thinking about the child they bore. It's a relationship, even if they never meet again, that they have for the rest of their lives. I think "peace" might be the wrong word, or at least might mean something different to everyone. You can have peace about something, but still continue to think about it and wonder for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you'd go back and do anything differently -- it just means that you continue to think about something impactful. I agree with your line of thinking though, and I think it's kind of a question of semantics and how we define very ambiguous terms like "peace," "love," "right," "wrong," etc. I absolutely think it's possible to have peace about the decision to give the gift of a child to an adoptive family, if peace means making a loving decision that you, as the first mother or father, truly believe is the best one for you and your child and being confident that it was the right decision in your very unique situation. As you said, it's possible to have "peace" (however a person defines that personally) about an important decision when a person is confident the decision was made with integrity.