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I really need some suggestions and this is kind of NOT the "norm" type situation. This post is going to be long, but any feedback or thought would be so appreciated....

My husband of 15 years and I were houseparents at a child care facility for 7 years or so. During that time, we came to love and care for many children, and our own daughter was born during our years there. Since then, we've left that part of the child care industry - being professional parents of 12+ kids from various backgrounds, plus raising your own child is difficult and takes a toll after a time.

I say all that to get to this question/post. In our care at the child care facility, we had a young set of sisters who immediately stole our hearts. The girls ended up living with us longer than they ever had anyone in their lives by the time we left the employ of the facility. We kept contact and a few years after we left (their bio mother released them from the facility and brought them back home to live with her again after we left).... their mom was having trouble and the younger of the 2 sisters lived with us for about 6 months. About 8 months after that, the girls called to say they were both pregnant and the older sister wanted us to take her baby when he was born.

I'd not been able to have any more children (I had ovarian cancer at age 19 and our bio daughter was a miracle baby). This thought thrilled us - we worked through some things and began to prepare for the baby.... then the birth mom changed her mind. Months went by - we heard from their mother when the baby was born and didn't hear anything else again till about 4 months later.... when the mother was arrested in Texas (we live in Oklahoma) and they wanted us to take the baby. Her birth mother was <b> supposed </b> to call us to take the baby (then nearly 5 months old) but she decided that she just couldn't so she took him to CPS and turned him in. Thus, he entered the foster system and thank the Lord that he was blessed with a great set of foster parents. Texas CPS has fought valliantly for the bmom to keep the baby. The mom was adamant that he should have been ours from the beginning, she didn't want him raised like she was and he needed to be with us. She got out of jail in July of 2006 and moved in with us. She has always been like a daughter to us - even despire the hurt over the baby when he was born - she was his mother and NEEDED to raise him if she could do so in a healthy manner. She's been living here and we've helped her get her diploma, get clean, complete her family plan and we've taken kinship placement of the baby (who's now 18 months old) through the ICPC process.

She's decided again since living with him these past 3 months that she really can't give him what he needs and while she loves him, he needs us to adopt him.

Both states have been notified. We need to get TPR on the father, and will work through her other stuff.... but....

How do I work through issues of being mom to both (she's 20 and he's 18 months) ESPECIALLY since they both live in our home. We ARE adopting the bmom also - so legally they'll be siblings and she REALLY doesn't like that idea... but that's the fact.... she's trying to break the circle of her childhood and birth family... but doesn't see that she's doing the same thing to our lil boy that her mom did to her. He calls me Mama and my husband Daddy.... our biodaughter Sissy... and her - he doesn't really refer to her as anything but she refers to herself as Mommy. I've gently discussed several times that it's confusing to children to have both and while he's always going to know that he's lucky because he's got more people in his corner - she's not always going to by Mommy and he's not always going to like the choices that she's made.

Right now, dealing with his issues are simple. My 10 year old is VERY well adjusted.

I need to know as a mom, how do I help HER?

Sorry the post is so long, this is VERY condensed... but covers the basics for now, I think...

Again, any suggestions would be wonderful

Warm Hugs

Jamie

Hi, Jamie,

You do have a unique situation. About 19 years ago my sister and her husband (Melissa & Ken) took my two oldest grandchildren (ages 2 and 9 months) as foster children. Wes and Richie called my sister and her husband "Mom" and "Dad" for the past 19 years. My daughter was still allowed (by Ken & Melissa) to see the children occasionally when I drove her to their home in another part of the state or at some of the family gatherings at my parent's home. They called her "MommyLisa," but only because that's the name we gave her. When her next two children were adopted together by a couple, she was told that she could write occasionally and send cards, but not to tell them she was their birth mother. She was allowed to be called their "Godmother." After all, they came to existence from God.

Perhaps your young child can call you Mom and his birthmother, his "godmother" and just call her by her first name. It will be difficult as far as defining the authority, with both of them adopted by you and living with you. The birth mother is the one you have to set the boundaries with, in my opinion.

I have had custody of my daughter's last two children for the past 5+ years, and I'm planning on adopting so they can begin to receive monthly income from my social security. We see my daughter about 1 to 2 times a month, when she wants me to cash a check for her and take her to get cigarettes and sometimes groceries. She disciplines the kids when she is around, and they mind her because they are scared, but she is not really a part of their lives. They call her "Mama" and call me "Grandma," but I am really their mother. We just didn't want to make waves.

I want to accomplish the adoption as quickly and inexpensively as possible. I am a student, on very fixed income right now and with very limited funds. I'm not sure where to start, so I joined this forum and your post caught my eye. I sure hope your situation works out for all of you. You seem like a very loving and generous woman.

Regards,

Diana