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No one wants to anticipate the failure of an adoption, and there are solutions for many families in crisis to help keep the family together, but it isn't always possible. This Guide is a non-judgmental, plain language source of information for parents who find themselves unable to continue an adoption.

Continue reading A Parent's Guide to Adoption Disruption and Dissolution

Dear Nancy,

Thank you for writing such an in-depth guide on what to do when our adoption is failing. My husband and I are in this boat right now with our oldest child. We have a top notch attorney, but we still need to know what to expect, and you have helped us with some of those questions. While I doubt we will ever be at peace with our decision to terminate our parental rights of our son, and while our son may hate us forever, we believe it is the best and only option for everyone concerned. We have tried everything under the sun to make this work, to no avail. We are not equipped to handle his rage and violence. He is a danger to our younger son and ultimately to anyone who dares correct or challenge him. Still, it is the hardest thing we've ever done, and I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy.

Your writings have given us the encouragement and support that we so desperately need in order to follow through with our decision.

Sincerely,

Jan

The information in the guide has been extremely helpful, but we are desperate to find an attorney who is willing to help us. Our adopted daughter has been in residential treatment for over 2 years and the self-harm and violence to others has only increased. She is a danger to herself and others and we have no other option but to terminate the adoption. I am looking for advise as to how you find a good attorney for this type of situation.
Thank you!
Iris

Have you contacted a family attorney in your area for a consult?

From what I know, a lot of states can press charges for abandonment and can remove other children in the home if you terminate an adoption, so sometimes it's not an option for a lot of parents. Even with the documented abuse, RTC etc. So definitely consult with an attorney experienced in the family law and the state process.

Is your daughter diagnosed with RAD? (Reactive Attachment Disorder) If so, there is a support group I know of made up of parents dealing with this and I'm sure they would have a ton of resources and information on this issue.

Thankyou for this article. I am hurting so bad right now over having to place my adopted daughter in a residential home. I feel alone and guilty and grieved, but I could not find any information on this until I found your article. Tea

I am looking for any information or help with our situation, we adopted a siblling group, we have had our son placed in a mental health facility for over a year now, he can not even come home for Christmas becaue of his behavior, his therapist thinks he is a danger to the family. What if we procede with a dissolution, what about his biological siblings?

I absolutely do not want to seem judgmental but I am the adoptive parent of 3 children. We are currently adopting our fourth. I teach adoption classes for our local Children's Division. Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment. It is not like adopting a puppy or buying a car. Services are provided if there are needs such as therapy, intensive in home therapy, family therapy, etc. Children need to know that they are always your child. No matter what! My husband and I have 5 grown biological children and none of them were perfect. One son had to be put in drug rehab 3 times. You don't give up on family. People need to realize this BEFORE adopting and they do need to dig for as much information as possible so that they can be sure this child will be a good fit. Even so...problems come up. I know of several children whose adoptions were disrupted and these children are in so much pain. They have huge trust issues and feel like they are worthless. More needs to be done to stop this from occurring and I feel that it should not even be an option legally.

I disputed the adoption of my daughter 10 years ago. Her mother and I were not a couple and living in two different states at the time. When she told me she was pregnant, I was only days from returning back to my home in California. I was on the spot. She had weeks to tell me and waited until two days before I left to tell me. She said she did not want anymore children. She had one son already. She decided she wanted an abortion. I have never agreed with abortion for my life. So, I was less than enthusiastic about that decision. Still, I could do nothing to influence the situation because, under law, she had the right to choose. While in California, I did not hear anything from my daughter's mother. Then, one day, I get a knock at the door and an officer is there with papers to serve me. The papers were for a adoption proceeding. On one hand, I was glad that abortion was obviously averted. Yet, on the other hand, I was going to have to fight an adoption. The couple that was listed as the adopting parents seemed like they would be great parents at least from what I read about them. They taught at UCLA and were upstanding citizens. Still, even though I could not fight an abortion and had no say in the matter. I did have a say in whether a child, my child, would be raised by me or strangers. I often wonder why people think that this side of the matter is less prevalent. After reading further through the packet, I realized that it was quite simple to fight the adoption. All I had to do was write a letter. That day I wrote it. I sent it off the next. When I got a reply, it was from my daughter's mother who called me directly at home. She had known where I was the entire time. She asked me why I disputed the adoption. I told her that I would rather raise my own child. The choice of whether she would come into the world or not was denied me. But, the choice of whether she would be raised by her father even if her mother did not want her was mine. Sadly, I was wrong. She told me flatly that she would keep my daughter and raise her before she would EVER let me have her. That was ten years ago. Until this day, I have only seen my daughter whenever I have flown to Alabama to see her. My daughter now resides in North Carolina. I guess the reason that I place this comment is to say that there are those in the adoption process who are forgotten. No matter how small the percentage, those forgotten few are important. I have to fight to see my child. My child was offered to strangers and withheld from me. One may ask, what kind of person I am that my daughter's mother would so adamantly refuse to give me my daughter to raise. I say, what does it matter at this point except that we all know that even criminals in penetentiaries get to see their children and I, a free, hardworking, good-natured, honest, responsible, religious man (the father of 4) cannot even get his daughter for a single day in 10 years? Adoption has many faces. Unfortunately, too many of them are ugly.

I would like to make a comment to Martin who claimed he did not want to be judgmental.

I believe anyone who is in a situation who wants to rescind an adoption knows they did not adopt a puppy. He speaks about services available to help families with behavioral problems, etc. He does not speak of how difficult finding these services are. If one adopts through social services, they close the book and tell you "it's your kid now." How about that Martin?

Many children adopted through social services are school age. They come with a myriad of problems and services are sought and used; however, there is not always a solution and the child's behaviors can tear any strong family apart. And family support is just not there because they don't want the problem in their lives.

Unless you have lived with such a situation, do not judge and act like those seeking to rescind an adoption are monsters. Ultimately the agencies are to blame for not putting up safety nets for families in these situation and who do not fully disclose the child's histories. Social Service agencies are known for minimizing adverse histories--their goal is to get their numbers up and bolster funding.

If you are judging, you do not belong in this thread, it is specifically stating "nonjugemental" and if you "seem" to be judging it is because you are!

"People need to realize this BEFORE adopting and they do need to dig for as much information as possible so that they can be sure this child will be a good fit. Even so...problems come up. I know of several children whose adoptions were disrupted and these children are in so much pain."

I am sorry to burst your bubble, but you can NEVER know if it is a good fit. You may think it is, hope it is, pray it is a good fit, but how can you know until you live with them?

There IS often a honeymoon period where the child views you as strangers (they are charming and engaging with strangers) Let me repeat that for you you NEVER know if it will be a good fit!!! Anymore than knowing a spouse will be a good "marriage material" for a lifetime before you have lived with them, just because you loved THEM while you dated. That is why there is divorce. Now normally people do not talk about divorcing their kids. Of course we love our kids, and if we have given them a loving foundation, of course they love us back! But sometimes if our kids have come to us later, that does not always work out that way, no matter how much you work on that. No matter how much we love them, no matter what we have provided for them, no matter how much therapy the receive! Sometimes it does, but realistically sometimes, not.

I don't know the situation your kids were adopted from...but MY kids can NOT LOVE back! As if that is not difficult enough they HATE us for trying. Our love is not enough, and neither has been all the therapies we have implemented.

Don't talk about your 3 adopted children on a judgemental soapbox...your children are not our children. Are your children receiving a world of therapies, because mine are not, I am not only fighting this heinous disorder RAD on a daily basis...I am fighting a hugely flawed system that barely recognizes how pervasive this disorder is in our society. Not only amongst adoptees, but neglected and abused children living with their families! A system that does not cover the exhorbitant cost of RAD therapy and typical psycho-therapy? Well my kids lie to the therapists (those therapists, and all the others they see!)

Would you be preaching "Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment" and attend "family therapy" :

if your adopted son was repeatedly raping your biological daughters?

if your adopted daughter had been sodomizing your younger child with household objects,

If there was an arsenal of weapons under your childs matress, even jailhouse style weapons that they made themselves from things they have found around the house, even broken toys? So you can not make the home "child safe" from these kids, because notHing is off limits, they are so resouceful even toys and dining room chairs become a weapon?

if there was feces all over your couch, walls, pillows, in the swimming pool, and if you can't get the smell out of your nose, because even if you can't see it, there is no end to where it is smeared in your home?


if there was no end to the brutalizations of your other children or you? If you yourself was your child's punching bag? If your eyes were being blackened, if your lips were being busted. If there was no more money left and no governmental funding being handed to you on a silver platter for yet another Residential Treatment center that is doing NOT enough to stop the insanity and chaos your lives have become?

Would you still be saying:
"Adopting a child is a LIFETIME commitment "?

Because in my opinion if YOU felt in these situations that "adoption is a lifetime committment" where then is your allegiance to the other children in the house biological or otherwise? You are not commited enough to them to keep them safe. You are then subjecting them to abuse by proxy... by default....how is that in the "best interest" of the other children??? You are allowing them and yourself to live in an abusive situation risking they then will grow up to be abusers!

If you are not in the same boat, please do not rock it. Certainly do not add further insult to the pain we live. No one wants to be in this position or make a decision such as this. We all started this process with the best of intentions!

Thank you.