Adopting.org Discussion Forums

Families living with the challenges of Reactive Attachment Disorder were the focus of an evening of chat. Listen in and benefit from the experience of these committed parents.

Continue reading It's a RAD RAD World

mother os six special need children

To Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky.

On the It's a RAD RAD World Web page,you post this comment; One of the most difficult situations for parents to deal with is the disbelief of others outside the family who are exposed only to the child's endearing behaviors which seem to belie the challenges exhibited in the home. Can you be more specific about what you mean by that statement?

I'm not the person who made the comment, however this is a typical observation made by most parents of RAD kids.

Usually what they mean is the child is very charming and normal to strangers, teachers, general people they know etc. outside the immediate family. Most people outside the family will not see any "issues" and often parents feel they are not believed when discussing the issues and trying to get help.

An example of one family I know of....their dd is very polite, nice, charming and personable to anyone outside the family. At home though, she steals, lies, tries to harm her younger sibling, dog and even the mom. To anyone else, she's this great kid and they just can't believe there are any problems. For a parent of a RAD kid, that's hard enough, but add the element of no support etc., it's very very hard indeed.

I have 2 adopted foster children. They came to us at ages 2 and 3. One, my daughter is 10 and doing well but my now 11 going on 12 year old has a variety of diagnosis including ADHD, Stress disorder, bipolar disorder, oppositional defiant disorder and now RAD attachment disorder. Dealing with him takes all of our love, patients and energy so we find it very difficult to deal with relatives who just do not understand that we have to have special rules for him.

He recently brought a knife to school and we grounded him but we were scheduled to go to my brother in laws for Passover today. The family does not like it when my son comes over and is in trouble. We told them that he could participate in the Passover meal but he was grounded and would not be able to play with the other cousins. My brother in law asked us not to come because it was too upsetting to everyone to see him grounded.

It is crazy! Well meaning family run away from you because they just don't get it but they are some of the very support we need.

Does anyone have any suggestions or comments?

I am the adoptive mom of 5 kids, 10,8,7,6 and 5. The 10, 8 & 6 year olds have RAD. It is so completely disheartening how they can go to school, be great, polite little people. Go to church, go to church camp and spend a week, go to a friend's house and behave completely normal and adorable, then come home and beat me, swear at me, assault their sibilings, steal and lie. I am worn out, I am tired of ignorant people who don't understand the hell I am enduring every day. When I limit their activities based on their behaviors at home, I am a "mean mother". My 10 year old beat me so bad a few months ago the police charged him with domestic violence because I was so badly beat up, but after charging him, they gave him a ride in the front of the police car to the hospital and let him play with the computer, the siren and even radar a car on the way cause he is "so darn cute". All this while I am following behind, with a black and blue face, stab hole in my leg and 27 bite marks. The 8 year old is a compulsive liar and continually alleges abuse. She was dumped by 5 families before we got her because she alleged abuse by the foster parents....by the way, wasn't revealed to us prior to the placement. Lastly, the 6 year old has tried to stab the 7 year old with a kitchen knife and a garden trowel. She continually calls me a "*****" - word which she came with when we got her, and tells me she is going to kill me. Today, I stopped counting at the 37th time she said she was going to kill me. I am tired, I am worn out, I am sick of this. The counselors say it really can't be that bad. The children are so well behaved. Great cover they have. I am just a crazy mom. I have no support system left because as soon as the kids get really comfortable with a sitter, they pull their crap once and they are out of here. My marriage is about over because we have not had any time together in almost 3 years since we took on these kids. I can't give them back, and I may not live through keeping them. I am so alone, I am so frustrated. I just can't face another day of this.

To the mother of five, I say God Bless YOU. Hopefully, in your placement agreement from Social Services, they included services for special needs. If they did not, you can likely appeal those agreements and have those services added. Request that social services give you extra money for special needs (list them), and that they pay for the therapy directly to the provider. Make sure you get a developmental pediatrician, or a therapist with attachment experience to diagnose your children in writing - this helps with your case. And get a lawyer with adoption experience to help you if you need it.

Social Services should also help you find the appropriate type of counselors required for attachment-challenged children. A regular therapist won't cut it. If they don't help, keep looking. They are hard to find but they do exist.

And we've learned that attachment therapy is alot like dog training. Dog trainers train the owners to train their own dogs. So commit to the therapy and attend every session. A good attachment therapist will not see the child without the parent (because of lies, etc.) And they'll see the parents alone, too, to give guidance on responding to the behaviors.

If your child is too violent, your child may need to be placed in a therapeutic home for a few years in order to learn how to behave in a home. Don't use this as a threat to the child to improve their behavior. But actually take action if your therapist recommends it. It's not safe to have violence in your home, and your job is to keep your family safe.

Read "Building the Bonds of Attachment" and "Parenting with Love & Logic" - the Love & Logic book is for normal parenting; however, the ideas also work great for RAD kids. Be fully consistent with consequences, not punishment.

That's all I have for you.

for SMBEARMAN, again, try consequences instead of punishment. So, unfortunately, you have to be very vigilant with this one, but, the consequence for taking a knife to school means, no access to any knives until Mom & Dad decide your old enough to be responsible. This includes: not allowing any knives at the meal table for that child (tell him, "when mom & dad decide you are responsible enough to use a knife, we will give back that priveledge." If he complains (blames you), tell him, "I'm sorry. but this was a decision you made when you decided to take a knife to school." Drop it, and don't argue with him. If he wants to keep arguing say, "you can continue talking about this, but we are done. So go up to your room, talk away, and come back when you want to join the family." Be calm and sincerely empathetic. Also, search his pockets, socks, book bags, books everyday before he leaves for school. Tell him you'll stop doing that eventually, but this was a choice he made when he decided to take a knife to school.

And as far as relatives understanding, I'd suggest having your child stay with the relatives for a week. If the behaviors remain hidden, extend the stay for a month. The child may be on their best behavior, but your brother will likely see things that surprise him. RAD kids can't stay perfect forever. He'll slip! Plus, it will give you a much-needed break. What's the worse that can happen? Your brother falls in love with the kid and your child moves in with your brother. Sounds good to me;-)

Everyone remember: grounding, time outs, punishments do not work with RAD children. Consequences and time-ins do. a time-in is giving the child time to "cool down" (because most of their behavor stems from anger about something), time to determine what made them so angry to behave poorly, and time to figure out what they could have done instead (instead of wetting my pants I could have told you that I was mad about having to do my homework, as an example.) Time-ins also give you time to cool down (because their behavior pushes your buttons and you can't let them see that) and time to determine what the logical consequence will be.

Last, don't talk to too many friends and neighbors about your kids. They'll all say "that's normal" and you will never feel vindicated. It's so disheartening, just don't do it.

Hope this helps. Our RAD kid has only lived with us for 3 months, but she visited us once a month for weekends or weeks at a time. BUT, we are getting TONS of support and therapy from social services. Plus we've been reading books on RAD for over a year. We are not experts, but we are ready, we hope, for the behaviors that very well could happen.

I feel as though I was lead to this site as a divine intervention. I'm a long time foster mom who works with RAD boys. Children usually come to my home after multiple placement disruptions and "they are usually totally pissed off at the world" I'm still amazed by the intensity of their anger and the behaviors I experience as a result of that anger. Having your experiences and struggles to read has been very helpful and many have given me encouragement at the low-times. Glad I found you!!

We are considering adopting 2 boys, a 5 and 3 yr old. The 5 yr old has RAD and the 3 yr old has FAS. I am not sure how to handle the boys, especially reading the women who had 5 children and all the abuse she took. IS it really THAT bad? I would like some advice before submitting our home study for these boys. They are so cute and My husband and I would love to give them a good home. Has anyone delt with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome? If so, what is you experience?

Thanks,
Amy