Adopting.org Discussion Forums

My husband and I are desperate for advice, as we fear that the 10 year-old child we have turned the adoption papers in for is finally showing his true colors. Days after the paperwork went in (after nine months of placement), our son's behavior went down the toilet and we discovered that he has lied to us for much of his visit.

We have discovered that he doesn't respect us or anybody else, and that he doesn't care about consequences for inaction and abuses the few rewards which he does get.

Despite the offering of a great life and excellent opportunities, our son isn't interested in anything except living as a boarder. He doesn't want to improve himself and doesn't care about his future either.

We (and his home-based therapist) have told him that because he is not making progress, that he could have to leave. We have been told that we have been doing everything right, but our son doesn't care. If none of us can push him to prosper, it would be better if he leaves and finds a facility that is what he wants; to be ignored. He is breaking our hearts and we are really tired of the lies, deceit, the attitude, and the overall "oh, well, I forgot" about chores, schoolwork, and pretty much everything else.

Is there a checklist (i.e."is disruption truly what we want for our adoption process?") for us to review to see if disruption is truly our option?

Is your therapist experienced in attachment issues at all? If not, then I strongly recommend that you find one immediately.

Often when the finalization of an adoption gets closer, kids regress and act out. The testing begins all over again because they really are scared of losing that control and all else.

I have never seen a "list" in the way that you refer to regarding disruption.

Telling a 10 year old that he could lose his family if he doesn't behave is pretty drastic and frankly I'm surprised that a therapist would advocate for that tactic. Most kids EXPECT one to say that "No one really truly will want me so I'll behave x way to make sure that happens".

That's why I ask if you have a therapist experienced in attachment for him because I think that type of therapist would be more helpful to you and to his healing.