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Hi!

I am a 28 year-old mom of three bio-kids (7 and 5 year old boys, and a 9 month-old girl). My husband and I are adopting a 12 year-old girl from foster care. We are four months into the process, and I am struggling a bit. Jumping straight into having a 12 year old, I am having difficulty bringing myself to have affection for her and to care about the "Oh no, I have a zit. I hate boys / I love boys! What should I wear? I wish I was older." conversation. I love this age kiddo as a teacher, but I am having a hard time as a mom. Also, even though intellectually I know that it's really important for her to maintain a relationship with her bio mother, it's really frustrating and a little emotionally draining to hear her go on and on about the fake diamond ring her mother bought her and about how great this woman who burned her, beat her, and left her alone for weeks is.

Has anyone else who has adopted an older kid struggled with affection for them? I feel so selfish because I have to really make myself behave like I think a good Mom should, but I feel so little for her. I didn't think that I would feel this way. That is really painful for me to read.... any advice would be very helpful.

Thank you.

12 is a hard age regardless with all the emotions and hormones!! I have a 12 year old son & an 11 year old daughter and somedays I have no clue what entity took over their bodies!!! LOL!

I think an older child adoption creates a more difficult bonding process and the mantra I think you need to repeat over and over to yourself is "Fake it til you make it". 4 months is not long at all and you are still getting to know each other as a family. Every one of you has a unique personality to adjust to and she has to adust to all of that plus deal with a new home, new rules, new school etc. AND deal with the loss of her bio mom. Right now her bio mom is up on a pedestal because if she doesn't put her there, she has to deal with the grief and guilt of things. Even with the abuse, kids still love their parents. You and I can't understand that on an emotional level at all, but to her...it's what she knows and likely even takes some if not all the blame for the abuse. "If I were a better kid, she wouldn't have burned me." etc. I know it's hard to listen to, but she needs that. I would listen and then sometimes I'd say things like "I'm glad you have some good memories with her". After a time, when we were more attached, I'd slowly start saying things like "I'm sure you wish she would have taken better care of you and I'm sorry she didn't. I know how important it is to you to hang on to the good stuff." Kind of gently putting things into perspective so they knew they had PERMISSION to really say and feel the not so great things.

Is she in therapy? If not, she really needs to be. Not only to help all of you bond as a family, but help her deal with everything related to her bio mom.

I find a lot of my daughter's "drama" of the day to be silly too. Yet, it's important to her. I'm learning it's not the zit or the clothes etc. so much as it is the peer relationships and how all that effects it. If I get a zit, they are going to make fun of me ALL DAY and call me names etc. That's hard. Maybe try to turn your focus on helping her find ways to handle the situation and also how to help her gain more self esteem and confidence. Is she in any sports or music, any type of activities? This might help with that.

Maybe find a few hours a week where you two spend time alone together so you can develop a better bond. I found my oldest son very clingy and felt like I never got a break from him, so it was hard at first. He annoyed me. I felt very guilty about that at the time too. I kept telling myself to keep at it and keep spending time with him. I would think of 5 things every night that I liked about him or positive things he did that day. Interestingly enough, it all kind of just snuck up on me after about 8 months. He got yelled at by a man up the street while riding his bike and I just felt all that Mama Bear protectiveness coming out. That's when it hit me that I really did love him and he was my son.

Since you are adopting from foster care, are there any support groups offered to you for new parents?

Give yourself some more time and remember you have 12 years of pain to help her with. It IS frustrating and it is draining at times. Take care of yourself and allow your thoughts so that you can better help her.

Hi there, I just cannot thank you enough for this sweet message. I have been feeling like I should already be bonded with her, and just to hear that it may be a while yet before we feel closer makes me feel a lot more relaxed. I'm dedicated to working at this for the sake of this kiddo; I just feel a little lost at this a lot of the time (which is nuts to me because I've been studying and researching in this field professionally for four years now - my "mommy" self just seems to be so disconnected from my "researcher" self). Thank you, again, for your understanding; I will definitely try thinking about five or so positives. I like this idea a lot. I'm not sure about support groups up here. I know that we're one of two foster families in our area, but maybe the nearest town might have something. I'll have to do some checking into this.

Thanks so, so much, and best wishes to you and your family!!

Welcome!

I think no matter how much research and logic we apply, adopting an older child is a day to day creative challenge!! Have to find out what motivates them and deal with a past that we had nothing to do with yet often take the brunt of it. It's hard some days!!

I think one of the best pieces of advice I got was "Bonding will come through doing". We can't control our feelings on things, but we can control our actions and through the activities we do together, bonding often comes out of that without having the concrete "Let's talk so we can bond". kwim? Some things you might try with her too are giving each other manicures, having her sit on the floor and you brush her hair, watch a favorite show of hers together, things like that.

Hang in there!