Home
In a bedroom on bended knee,
Where fists clench tear-stained sheets.
On the bathroom floor atop cold linoleum, the sobbing so hard and so long you leave the toilet seat open just in case.
Driving mindlessly into a rain that beckons a familiarity,
Pulling over to the side of the road where the rain pulls the misery to the pounding surface of our hearts windshield.
The release happens. We begin to heal.
I searched for my release. I became a huntress, seeking uncontrollably for that one moment in which everything within me let loose long enough for me to breathe. For peace. For purpose. For recovery. Not for an end, but for the truth. The simple truth of who I am, why I did what I did, and the woman I would become because of it.
During the last five years in my life my search for healing took me many places. It motivated me to open my home to young women in crisis pregnancy, which turned into Me and Mom Ministry, a non-profit that I led for a year. It led me to find my voice on radio and newsprint and to speaking engagements in schools, churches, women's groups, and retreats. It led me to my work on Adopting.org and even led me right back to the adoption agency I relinquished my son through. My longing ache for healing motivated me to write my first two books, where I was introduced to the very depths of every pain within me.
My seeking for truth, peace, and understanding fueled a great passion. If I were seeking … so then must others be.
Carol Schaeffer said it best, "A broken heart is a heart broken open," and so it was with me. A love for others birthed inside my own sorrow and I longed to share my journey.
So then became, like a purposeful gift presented, my dream of BreakThrough Inc. To unite and nurture the hearts and spirits of those whose lives are touched by adoption. I swelled with joy and purpose, grateful and praiseful that finally my seeking had found something.
I moved emotionally from personal motivation to "business" motivation. Building a corporation that would be like no other, an organization built and driven solely by those like me who felt a deep need to empower and nurture, to reach out and unite and help others who are in turn the ever present reflections of ourselves. BreakThrough would run by one source alone … love.
My prayers each morning began with Jabez … "expand my territories Lord."
Yet all along my Father shook His head and knew … BreakThrough was and will be my final seeking place.
For He did expand my territories.
Taking me as far as the west, and then as far as the east ~ He offered up proof that He had not forgotten me.
In the west of California where I'd flown on business, I found myself seated beside a grown man, an adoptee. In a restaurant near the western oceans, this birth son took my hands and almost whispering he spoke, "I forgave my birth mom." His wife leaned across the table, looked deep inside my eyes and with pure belief she said to me, "You will know your son, your arms will hold him again."
I was taken a thousand miles just to sit beside a birth son who would fill me with hope and promise. A man I'd never met nor known, who would come into my life and into my heart and with only four words … he would change me forever. So powerful was that moment, that I nearly felt my son's heart coming through the voice of this man. I felt nearly reunited with my own son … as if he were telling me, "It's okay. It's really okay. Keep going mom … there is purpose."
The release happened. I began to heal.
Just 5 days later my seeking took me another thousand miles across the country. This time I went as far East as I could go into the hills of Philadelphia. Again focused and motivated by business, I had no idea what was in store for me.
I sat in an audience at Karen DeLuca's Adoption Forum conference, and prepared myself to soak in any information that I might find resourceful for BreakThrough.
I did not expect to find myself thrown into a hopeful reflection of my very future. As Karen introduced Mark, an adult adoptee, I thought a simple, ‘how wonderful that he'd found his birthparents.' Yet when she then introduced his birthparents and they made their way to the podium, as they embraced their birth son and he them … suddenly the release once again broke open every inner hope and desire I secretly kept inside and I found myself filled with wholeness.
It was as if I were watching myself and my birth son … as if God handed me the evidence of both my obedience and faith.
Later than evening as I said my goodbyes, Mark pulled me aside and embraced me. I knew … I had been brought 1,000 miles just to be held in the healing arms of a birth son who looked deep into my heart and said, "Your son can feel you with him. I have always had a spiritual connection to my birth mom, I always felt her with me. When you spoke about your son I felt the love you have for him. Don't ever give up."
And once again I felt the spirit of my own surrendered son reaching out to me, as if it were his arms embracing my broken heart, in a moment of supernatural being … I held my own son in my arms.
This embrace, from someone I'd never known, 1,000 miles away from home was again evidence that God had not forgotten.
And God knew it would take my going as far as the west and as far as the east … to finally find the answers to my seeking. But that is how much my Father loves me. He led me as far as it took, just to open my heart long enough to accept His loving purpose. He physically took me to the threshold of peace, purpose, and recovery. Not to the end, but to the truth. The simple truth of who I am, why I did what I did, and the woman I would become because of it.
I am the founder of BreakThrough Inc.
And I have finally had a BreakThrough of my own.
*This breakthrough, which I am sure is the first of many, is dedicated to my son, Jonothan, to Little Ricky, and to Mark. Three birth son's who hold my heart and fuel my purpose for going on.
The Beginning of Our Day
Friday, as I rushed around trying to get everything ready for the busy weekend, I found myself anxious about the events that were about to unfold throughout the weekend. My day not starting off too well, my car sitting in the shop needing $1,000 worth of work done to it, I was put back by needing to rent a car last minute. I was determined to make this trip no matter what. So off I went to rent the car for the weekend. When Enterprise picked me up I was given a red car to use for my journey. A journey with a twist already; 10 years ago this month I flipped a red car in the air in a horrifying accident while I was 6 months pregnant with my first born. Who would of thought my first time back in a red vehicle was going to be my first breakthrough into my healing about the decision I made that same day I flipped my red car.
I picked my son up from school around 3 and we set off for our 4-hour drive to Philadelphia. On the way we had to pick up ice for the soda and snacks I had gotten earlier that morning. Banging the ice on the parking lot to break it up, I felt that I was breaking down some emotions I haven't let myself feel in almost 10 years. This was it; I was about to take a journey not only to Philadelphia but also to my past. Something I wasn't good at nor enjoyed very much.
The drive long only because my emotions were on a rollercoaster, we arrived at the Philadelphia Airport at approximately 8:30pm. We waited at Baggage Claim A for her arrival. Pacing around my son noticed my nervousness. He stood with me, his hand in mine, the cell phone rings.
"Hi! Where are you?" She is here!
Not only am I meeting Courtney face to face for the first time; I am meeting a fellow birthmother face to face for the first time ever. We struggle on our cell phones for a few minutes trying to find one another, and then outside we finally meet. She is everything I thought she would be. Taller than me (the 3 - 4 inch heels might have something to do with that though!), huge smile, bright eyes and wonderful embrace. I felt all my anxieties of this meeting finally lay to rest with that first hug.
We journey back to our Hotel, there are some quiet moments, and not because we didn't have anything to say but because we were both exhausted after our long trips. We arrive at our hotel around 10:30 and order some room service. We sit and enjoy some television, conversation and my son's excitement at meeting a new person. We finally settle down around 12:30am to a much needed nights rest.
Saturday, around 8:30am we venture to the Hearts United in Adoption Conference hosted by Adoption Forum. We fear we are late but arrive before many others have. I settle my son in an area just outside of the main room with his toys, coloring books and some breakfast. Courtney and I grab some coffee and our seats.
Sitting there with my laptop I look around at the 70+ people who are attending. Different people from parts of PA, NY & OH, just to name a few, all with their own stories. None the same but all united by one situation that impacted their lives forever – Adoption.
Broken Seal Awards were handed out to those that contributed to the search and reunion of those in the Adoption Triad. Two families were there that were reunited, Birthparents with their child they relinquished many years before. What an inspiration! Karen, the president of Adoption Forum, received a special award and I couldn't help but to think of our own "Mother" whom allowed Courtney, others and myself to open our hearts and share with others on Adopting.org. Sandra wasn't with us that day physically but she was right by our sides spiritually and emotionally.
There were several Workshops to attend that day but Courtney and I could only attend 2. The first workshop was called "Understanding the Grieving Process". It was run by an adoptee that felt a lot of anger towards her birthmother. Others spoke out about their anger as well. Courtney and I were among the "minority"; other birthmothers there were from an older generation where Adoption wasn't presented to them as an option. They spoke of their anger towards their families, agencies, lawyers, and the system. I felt I needed to say something.
With tears in my eyes I spoke of anger I am sure they have never heard before. My anger wasn't towards my family, an agency, or the system; it was a deep seeded anger within myself that has brewed for 10 years now. Anger towards the CHOICE I had made to relinquish my children. Anger to the choices I made before my decision to relinquish my children. I then made it quite clear that being a birthmother I expected an adoptee to be angry with his/her birthmother for the choice or forced decision that was made concerning them. They want answers and reasons why we chose or were forced to relinquish them; they should be angry.
They gave us a handout at this workshop; it gave a definition of Disenfranchised Grief and listed the effects of well being physically, behaviorally, psychologically, spiritually, and socially. Here are the stages it states: Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining and Depression. As for my "stages" I can tell you that I have been and still am in all of them. I really never went through any concrete stage in my grieving or healing process. They all just kind of hit me at once. But I can tell you that these stages do effect all that is stated above. I have and still am being effected on a daily basis.
After this workshop, an adoptee came up to me. She just had to tell me she was never angry with her birthmother. She knew her birthmother did what was best for her. I appreciated her coming to me to tell me this. I can only hope that my birthchildren will feel the same way some day. But doubts and fears consume me and tell me they will be angry. Especially my birthdaughter since I relinquished her after the birth of my middle child.
In this workshop I really felt like the minority being from a younger generation of Birthmothers. I could feel the pain of the adoptees and the older birthmothers but could not put myself in "their shoes". Generation definitely played a factor in this realization. And my confusion of my anger and resentment towards myself seemed to grow after this realization.
For the first time since my first relinquishment I spoke in front of a group about my situation. Never had I told more than one person my stories; except on my website. To sit in front of 20+ people and tell a short version of my story cannot be compared to sharing it on a website. I cannot see the reactions of the readers but I could see the reactions of those sitting in front of me that day. And in the end I do believe that this has introduced me to a whole new kind of healing. One that I know I am strong enough to share in front of others and know that I will not be judged for it. It is a new feeling yet gives me a sense of relief.
The second workshop we walked into a few minutes late. We walked into a woman telling her lifelong struggle of emotions because of relinquishing her first born son. Sitting on her right was her husband with his arm around her listening as if he could remember each and every event she was speaking about. Not only is this man her husband but he is also the Birthfather.
On the left side of her was her birthson. He laid his hand on her knee as comfort and it seemed to be like a sign that "It's ok Mom." You could tell he felt every word she was saying and even though he wasn't there for these moments she was speaking about; it was almost like he could put himself there because he had many of the same questions and feelings growing up.
Everyone in that room was in tears except a few. I was one of those few. It isn't that I didn't feel what they felt or wasn't feeling the heavy emotions in that room; it was because by looking at them I knew there was a "happy ending". Courtney was sitting to my left a little behind me and I couldn't see her crying but with every sniffle and deep breath I heard from her I knew she was feeling so much at that time. All I could do was lay my hand on her arm and comfort her. To let her know that I was there and my hand in hers signified our unity as birthmothers.
This workshop, if that is what you want to call it, was probably the most emotional and inspirational event that weekend. To hear Jacqueline tell her story with Bill, her husband, and Mark, her birthson, by her side was like looking into the future. I cannot say that the birthfathers will be around for the reunions I hope to have one day because they have nothing to do with anything regarding my birthchildren, but to see this reunion is the hope that ever birthmother dreams of one day. I spoke to Mark and Jacqueline several times after this workshop – more Jacqueline on how inspirational and wonderful she is. I offered to make her story into a website and we invited her, her husband and birthson to join us in California for BreakThrough LIVE! 2002.
This bittersweet event has shown me that there are others out there with my kind of pain; different yet the same and this weekend has shown me the unity and connection all of the Adoption Triad should experience and I am confident we will get at BreakThrough LIVE! This weekend has brought out feelings I have for so long suppressed and left in my past. Feelings that I didn't want to come back to me and make me relive my relinquishments. Fear has kept those memories where they have been for so long; anger has kept me from a world that could help me; bitter emotions towards myself and the birthfathers is all I knew. The encouragement, tender words and gentle hugs have made this experience sweet.
By sharing this emotional experience I realized I didn't just meet a fellow birthmother I met a person I am honored to have a friend in and cherish her like a sister. Thank you Courtney for helping me, encouraging me and being my confidant. Thank you for being you and sharing in my first honest breakthrough.
*This weekend is dedicated to all those that can't believe they deserve to heal and become emotionally whole again. To all birthmothers, I give you the courage and strength I felt this weekend and encourage you to reach out to others. It truly is the only way you will begin to heal.
Breakthrough the anger.A special thank you has to go to my 7 year old son, Zak. He was very
patient and excellent this weekend. He even learned what the difference
between an Adoptee and Birthmother is! He was a good helper at dinner
that night. So again I thank you Zak! We all enjoyed your company that day.
I love you bunches Zakman!
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