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Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird

Expert Forum for Birthparents ...
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Question:

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I'm a birthmother reunited with her son May/1996. It has been a wonderful experience.....I love my son so very much. I search when he turned 21....he had searched when he was 18, with no luck.

We have been together four times in the last year. I'm feeling like I don't know where the relationship is going...things seems to be cooling down......"honeymoon is over". I feel like I want to ask him directly but maybe I'm afraid of his response... or like I don't have the right to ask anything of him. He has never given me reason to think or feel that he doesn't want a relationship....in fact he has said the opposite. He is a busy 22 year old young man....always on the run....never time for anything. I always call him and first thing he says is he's been so very busy....like he's sorry he hasn't called.

I feel like maybe I shouldn't have searched for him. It was easier to just think of him as the baby boy I gave up for adoption and I'm also wishing I had never given him up.

His aparents don't want him to have anything to do with me. I'm really angry with them for this..for God sake....I gave them my first born son.

Gosh these feelings really stink.

I would love the number for an adoption support group in Montgomery County Pennsylvania. Outside of Philadelphia. Help!!

Thank you!
Susan

Response from Carol:

Dear Susan:
I'm so sorry about your problems with your son. I hope you can take a little comfort in knowing that your experience is very common. The first years of Reunion are very difficult for everyone involved. We birthmoms are especially effected because we have thought of the child we gave up as "our baby" for all of his/her life. They are as much a part of us as our heart; our head; our self! But the child has known another life separate from us. He/she has a family -- the ONLY family he/she has ever known. We, the birthmoms, are something separate. We're the "shadow mother" who existed at birth and has been "somewhere out there in the world" throughout the child's short life.

You have to give him SPACE. He is going through a lot of emotional stress. He wants to know you, but doesn't quite know where you fit in his life. He doesn't want to hurt his parents, who have given him a life and probably a lot of love. He doesn't want to appear ungrateful to them, and he doesn't want to hurt you, either. He's in the middle and he has to find his way alone.

It has only been a year; you've met with him only four times in that year (that's a lot!). He has only known you a year...he has known his parents for 22 years. You have to give him time. I know it is difficult not to call him and not to long to be near him; not to at least talk with him. I know because I have the same longing and desires. It has been very difficult for me to give my daughter the space she needed, too. In the beginning I called every single Sunday. Finally she asked me not to, because there really wasn't that much to say to each other. I was heartbroken, but she was right. It was overkill! I wanted to "connect" all the time.

It took time for me to understand that if I wanted to develop some sort of lasting relationship with my Susan, I had to go easy on her; I had to let her take the initiative. I had to WAIT.

Go to your public library and pick up all the books authored by adoptees, birthmoms and adoptive parents that you can find. Read about all of the various experiences and learn from them.

Look over the Adoptees support page; check out the list of books on this website. I highly recommend BIRTHBOND. I will check out support groups in Montgomery County and we'll post the information on the site, if is isn't already there.

And, please look for counselling. If you can't afford therapy, check out the university school of Psychology; they generally have a free or low cost clinic that offers help. You are going to need professional support in the next few years. I speak from experience.

I was separated from my daughter for 32 long years before reunion. It has been ten years since we reunited and the going is still a little rough at times. I want more, but realize that I can't always have what I want.

Leave your son alone for a while. I write Susan once a month and receive monthly letters from her. I'm lucky to have two granddaughters who take up the "slack" and write me several times a month. I miss them terribly, but ANYTHING is better than what I had before December 16, 1968! Take the time to read and prepare yourself for the rollercoaster ride ahead. God bless you -- hang in there and write to me as often as you want. I'm always here for you.
Carol Bird z004259b@bc.seflin.org