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Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Brenda Romanchik

Recent Birth Parent Issues (Continued)

Question For Brenda
Eight months ago, I placed my son for adoption. My boyfriend, of two years, and I moved out of state and decided to go the adoption route when I was six months pregnant. I thought about it all the time, but I was the one gaining the weight and having the back aches and feeling the little kicks so I had no choice. My boyfriend would never talk about it. We didn't ever talk. I talked to the few friends I had, our adoptive parents and our social worker, but I needed his support also. It wasn't there.

When the baby was born and the parents left with him, my boyfriend was so great. He helped my cope and was there grieving with me for about two weeks and then he went back to his usual "hard" self. I started to think that he didn't love me. Then we moved back home and things were okay.

But now I am the one losing interest. I feel like we have to stay together for the baby, but we don't, right? The baby has his parents. I know we will always be apart of his life. He will always know that we will be his birthparents and now much we love him. I just feel guilty. I do bot regret placing him for adoption. Now I know that my boyfriend and I won't be together forever and I don't want my son growing up in a broken home. That's how I was brought up and it is awful. But should I feel guilty? Is that normal even though the baby is not with us?

Response from Brenda:
Someone once said that one of the most important things parents can give their children is their love for each other. Taking this a step further, I think that one of the most important things birthparents can give their child is the respect they have for each other. I do not think that you need to marry the birthfather to provide your child this. What is most important to the child is that all the adults in his life do their best to get along. To speak kindly of each other, to respect their involvement. To realize that they can all share in the child's life and love.

I did not marry my child's birthfather, but we have worked very hard over the years to let Matthew know that we love and care for him. As far as our relationship is concerned I have explained to Matthew that while I loved his birthfather, it was not the kind of love that two people have who want to get married and spend the rest of their lives together. I am happy to say that his birthfather and I were able to work through our anger and hurt to provide a united front for our son. It is not differences to do what is best for the child.
I hope this helps.
Brenda