Ask Our Adoption Expert
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Brenda Romanchik/Birthmother-Crisis Pregnancy ExpertBirth Parent Issues: (continued)
Question For Brenda
I'm considering adoption for my child. He/she is expected to arrive in early December. I'm already a mom and fully aware of the tribulations of a single parent. I'm not sure that I can go through with adoption but I would be interested in hearing more about/from prospective families. I don't want to mislead anyone, I just want to be sure I end up making the right decision. Can anyone help?
Response from Brenda:
I suggest that you read The Open Adoption Experience. This will give you a better idea if adoption is really for you. With two other children it will be important for all the siblings to have some kind of contact with each other.
If you are interested in what the open adoption experience is for adoptive parents, read Adoption Without Fear edited by Jim Gritter. These are personal stories written by adoptive parents.
It is important to think about whether adoption is for you before talking with prospective adoptive parents. In this way you will know what you really want out of an adoptive family or whether you want to place this baby for adoption at all.
Another good web site is at openadoption.org. I highly recommend this site for helping you navigate the adoption process. It has lots of great information.
Question For Brenda
A very dear family friend (15 years old) wants to keep her baby that she will deliver in September. She is living in this fairy tale world that all will be right with her and the baby, and they'll live happily ever after. What resources or web sites can you recommend I show her; both myself and her father want her to put the baby up for adoption. I am the Godfather, so I have a concern in this matter. Please offer any advice you can. I want her to allow her baby to have a chance at a good, prosperous life.
Response from Brenda:
Please remember that, even though she is 15, this is her decision. Please do not pressure her into anything. Provide as much support and information as you can on ALL the options.
A great resource for teen-age pregnancy is Morning Glory Press in Beuna Park, California. For a catalog, you can call.714-828-1998. They have a new title called Teen Moms: The Pain and the Promise. They also have a good book calledPregnant?: Adoption is an Option" Good Luck.
Question For Brenda
I am 25 years old and 26 weeks pregnant I am considering adoption but am really unsure. I am scared that my child could grow up in an unloving environment instead of a happy home that I am dreaming of for my child. The birth father doesn't want me to give up this baby cause he wants me to raise it. I've felt trapped ever since I found out I was pregnant. I wanted an abortion but he wouldn't allow it. I really don't want a baby cause we are not stable and I want my child to have what all children should have some stabiltiy. What should I do or where can I find some one who will be good to my child? This is a very hard thing for me to consider and I want to make sure I do what is best for all involved.
Response from Brenda:
There are a number of things you can do. The first is to get some counseling. From the sound of your letter it seems as if there are a number of issues with the birthfather that need to be resolved before you can move forward. You will also need a safe place, free from others who want to pressure you into a decision, to explore your options. If you need assistance in finding a counseling situation, please e-mail me privately. Agency counseling programs vary from place to place.
The second is to educate yourself on adoption. I suggest you read "The Open Adoption Experience" by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia. They have a couple sections for those considering adoption. For more on choosing an agency visit the web site by the Association of Open Adoption Agencies at http://www.openadoption.org/~bbetzen/. This site has a welth of information on choosing an agency, what questions to ask, etc.
If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask.
Question For Brenda
I AM A 25 YEAR OLD BIRTHMOTHER MY SON, MATHEW, IS NOW 2 1/2 YEARS OLD. THIS SUMMER I AM GOING TO MEET HIM FOR THE SECOND TIME, THE FIRST WAS THE DAY HE WAS BORN. I GAVE MY SON UP AND HAVE WANTED HIM BACK SINCE THE DAY I SIGNED THE PAPERS. EVERYONE AROUND ME KEPT TELLING ME IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. RIGHT FOR WHO I WONDER? MATHEW'S FATHER NEVER WANTED EITHER OF US, HIS FIRST WORDS TO ME WHEN I TOLD HIM I WAS PREGNANT WERE "WHEN ARE YOU GETTING RID OF IT?" SO HERE I FOUND MYSELF ALONE AND PREGNANT WITH NO JOB AND NO MONEY. I WANTED MORE FOR MY BABY THAN WELFARE. I GUESS FOR A TIME I BELIEVED I COULDN'T DO IT ALONE NOW I KNOW I COULD HAVE. PEOPLE TELL ME ALL THE TIME I AM COURAGEOUS FOR WHAT I DID-I FEEL LIKE A COWARD FOR NOT EVEN TRYING TO RAISE MY SON. THE ONLY THING I AM PROUD OF IS THAT I FOUND THE TWO MOST INCREDIBLE PEOPLE TO BECOME MY SON'S PARENTS. TWO PEOPLE WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. I HAVE STARTED TO GET OVER THE GUILT I FEEL WITH THE HELP OF A SOCIAL WORKER BUT THE THE PAIN IS STILL THERE.THIS COMING SUMMER I AM GOING TO SEE MATHEW AGAIN AND THE FEAR I FEEL IS SO INCREDIBLE I CANNOT EXPLAIN IT. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO BEING ABLE TO TALK TO HIM AND TO HOLD HIM AGAIN. I JUST PRAY I WILL BE STRONG ENOUGH TO KEEP MY SANITY AFTERWARDS. I HAVE 1 1/2 MONTHS LEFT TO PREPARE MYSELF THOUGH.
Response from Brenda:
There are really two issues here. One the issue of regret, two how to handle the upcoming visit. I would like to address them seperately.
Birthparent regret in open adoption is perhaps the most difficult emotion for all triad members. For birthparents, it is often accompanied by guilt and remorse. While everyone has regrets, rarely does it effect the entire life direction of another human being. Birthparents in open adoptions need to learn to live with the fact that their life and the life of their child would be vastly different had they chose to raise their children themselves. Essentially it means we have to learn how to forgive ourselves and do what is best for our child in their life with their adoptive family. I am glad counseling is helping you with this.
For adoptees, birthparent regret is a double-edged sword. On one hand, they may feel that regret is a sign of a deeper love....that the loss of them was so great that it would have been better if it never happened. On the other hand they may feel that the regret you have is really questioning the validity of their being a part of their adoptive family. Children of open adoption look not only to their adoptive parents for the knowledge that they are where they belong, they also look to their birthparents who placed them there in the first place. Part of our job as birthparents is to increase our children's sense of belonging in their adoptive family while still maintaing their birthfamily connection. That you love his adoptive parents is a great thing. It is important that you support them in their parental role. Your feelings of regret, though totally valid, are best not shared with your son until he is much older. Not only could it compromise his sense of security, but it could be misunderstood that you want to "get him back". This could be very scarey for a young child.
For adoptive parents, a birthparent's regret is perhaps the most difficult emotion for them to handle. Most will see your regret as a personal statement....that you think you could parent better, etc. Some will be hurt, other's defensive. You need to think carefully before you share these feelings with them. While honesty is important in any relationship, considering the feelings of others is also important.
First visits are always very difficult, no matter when they occur. Your son will essentially see you as a stranger, or someone only vaguely known, from pictures and his parents conversations. If your child has "stranger anxiety", a fear of strangers, this can make it especially difficult.
Making sure that you have the time and space to get re-aquainted is crucial. You want to make sure that the place you meet has something that can occupy some time, but is not too distracting. Parks and play areas are nice. Amusement parks and other such attractions are too much for a first visit.
You might want to bring pictures of your childhood, or even your pregnancy to share. Games are nice as well. (Barnyard Bingo is a great game for this age. It encourages color and animal recognition. Fisher-Price around $10.) Remember that the time you spend together is essentially the BEGINNING of your building a life-long relationship with each other. You are becoming his birthmom, a very special person in his life.
There will likely be some fall out. Leaving is a difficult business. You need to let yourself feel it. It is the only way you will be able to move on. Try to also remember that that this visit is a beginning. Also try and think of things that you can do together in the future, ways of building your relationship both through visits and letters.
Good Luck and if you have any questions feel free to write. And let me know how it goes. -- Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher R - S q a r e d P r e s s 721 Hawthorne Ave. "Resources for Open Adoption!" Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA Phone/Fax: 810-543-0997 http://www.izzy.net/~danr/rsquared.html
Click here to continue
| Adoption Profiles |
|
Add Your Comments!
We want to know what you think. Your comments are important to us and the other readers. You are what makes this site special.