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Question For Brenda
I placed my son for adoption almost 4 years ago, and I kind of feel like I'm in-between phases, so I hope this question ends up in the right place. Mostly, I'd just like to communicate with others that are in or have been in my situation. How do you incorporate the pictures and letters you receive into your child's life? How do you explain to the child you're parenting about the child you placed for adoption? How do you tell the parents of your adopted child about your pregnancy and new family? I know that I am not the only one to pull my life together, find a wonderful husband, and start my family after an adoption. Hearing from those people like me would be really helpful.
Jennifer
hogenkamps@juno.com
Response from Brenda:
I have written a couple of articles on parenting after relinquishment for my newsletter Open Adoption Birthparent. If you are interested in getting these back issues, give me a call.
Unfortunately there is no research on this topic. I think, however, that many of the feelings associated with pregnancy and issues we face as we raise our children can be likened to those who have lost a child through death. While there are those who are offended by the analogy, especially in relationship to open adoptions, it is an apt analogy. Loss of a child, in any way, is traumatic. Most birthparents describe their grief as being as deep as if their child died.
With this in mind, I would have to say that our ability to parent well is going to be effected on whether or not we have grieved this loss in a healthy way. Even if we have successfully resolved our loss, there will be difficult times. As the mother now of two small children I have to be careful not to be over protective. I think I worry more than most that something tragic will happen that will seperate me from my children. This is not all that unusual....experiencing a significant loss often brings with it a fear of more loss. I think being aware of this has helped me make adjustments...meaning I don't always give in to over protecting my kids.
If you want to talk further, please call me. You may also want to come to The Lifegiver's Festival, a conference for birthparents in open adoptions. For more information, please give me a call.
--
Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
Question For Brenda
I am nineteen years old. A little over a year ago, I placed my little girl for adoption. (I signed the papers when she was five days old.) I know it was the best thing for me, her, and her adoptive parents. I understand all of that. But lately, I have started to feel manipulated and used by the agency. Maybe it's valid, maybe not, but I am starting to slowly spiral in to a depression. I got married this past June (not the baby's father - I was attacked by the birth father and became pregnant,) and my husband has been a great support, but he recently got a new job, so I spend my days and most evenings very alone. I guess what I'm asking for is a name or two of women who have placed children, women I could relate to. Do you know of any on-line support groups? If you have any ideas, please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated.
Response from Brenda:
Dear Elizabeth,
What kind of an adoption did you place your child in? Do you have any contact with the child's adoptive parents? If you want please feel free to give me a call and I will try to find something in your area. There are resources out there but they are somewhat dependant on the kind of adoption you have.
Unfortunately I will be out of town until August 24th. Please feel free to call me after that date. Until then I suggest that you read Living Through Personal Crisis by Ann Kaiser Sterns. It talks about the many emotions that we go through with loss. While it is not specifically written for birthparents, I found it to be extremely helpful.
Question For Brenda
I am the mother of a wonderful son, Anthony, who just turned 5 years old. He is very thoughtful and perceptive, and thinks things through before asking more questions, sometimes for weeks. I am single and 29 weeks pregnant and am going to place the baby for adoption. I have explained to him that we cannot give this baby all of the love, medical attention, support, education, stability and family atmosphere that she (it's a girl) needs and deserves. He has asked me a couple of questions and I have answered them honestly, but in terms that a 5-year old can understand. I have two questions. First, how do I help him understand that it is because we love the baby that we are giving her up? Second, I am adopting to my mothers brother and his wife. They have tried to have more children with no success. The general concensus seems to be that my son not be told that his "cousin" is really his sister until they have told her when she is older. I don't want to lie to him, but I am concerned that this knowledge will be too much for him to hide from her while they grow up. True we only see my Aunt and Uncle about twice a year, but my son does not forget things that he is excited or upset about. Any input?
Response from Brenda:
I think the "general concensus" needs a little educating. Secrets of any kind are destructive, especially since this can be considered an open adoption. In inter-family adoptions it is important to realize and accept that first and formost you and your son are this child's birthmother and birthbrother. This needs to be understood by everyone in your family.
Have you and your aunt and uncle had any counseling on how to handle this? If you have not I would suggest you do with a counselor who works in open adoptions. At the very least please read the section on "Kinship or Relative Adoption" in the book The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Melina and Sharon Kaplan-Roszia. Adoptions within families are very complex. It is important that everyone have the same expectations.
Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
R - S q a r e d P r e s s 721 Hawthorne Ave.
"Resources for Open Adoption!" Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA
Phone/Fax: 248-543-0997
http://www.izzy.net/~danr/rsquared.html
Question For Brenda
My Husband and I adopted my biological niece about 6 yrs. ago and I was wondering if you could give me any insight or info on how to cope with my anger towards my sister ? I will explain she was 15 when we adopted her little girl reason being as she was too immature & the baby was sick & she didn't want to cope. Our little girl has asked who her birth mom was & we have told her. But now that we have I am finding myself wondering. Don't get me wrong . She gave us a beautiful child and she is the BIRTH PARENT but not her mother. See our little girl has cerebral palsey due to the things that occured in pregnancy . And my sister did not want her, and then kept denying anything was wrong.... now wants to be called mom and other priveledges I can't give to her . I know this sounds outrageous. Can you give some advice please. thanks.
Response from Brenda:
As your daughter's mom you have every right to set bounderies with your child's birthmother. She may be your sister, but your first responsibility is to your daughter. I think it is important, though, that when you set these boundries you are doing so because it is what is best for your daughter, not because you do not want to see your sister not get privilages you don't feel she deserves. You may need to see a counselor who has open adoption experience who can help you work through this.
As far as her wanting to be called Mom.... There is a lot of differences of opinion in having birthparents called Mom and Dad by their children. Some believe that it is entirely appropriate. That birth has made them Mom or Dad and that this title is OK to use. Others, like myself, feel that it is really something that should come from the child as they work out who is who in their lives. My son calls me Brenda, but refers to me as his birthmom. At one point he refered to me as one of his two moms. This did not mean he had any confusion as to who his PARENTS were, just that he was acknowledging he had two mothers...one who gave birth to him and the other who was raising him. There are others who feel it should never be used, that it is too confusing for the child.
I believe this needs to come from your daughter. What is most important is that she knows who her parents are, who her birthparents are and that each have their own well defined roles. Your sister needs to work with you on this. It sounds to me like mediation may be in order. If you need to know how to find a good professional feel free to call me.
-- Regards, Brenda Romanchik, Editor/Publisher
R - S q a r e d P r e s s
721 Hawthorne Ave.
"Resources for Open Adoption!"
Royal Oak, MI 48067-3621 USA
Phone/Fax: 810-543-0997
http://www.izzy.net/~danr/rsquared.html
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