Expert Forum for Birthparents (continued)
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird
Expert Forum for Birthparents
(continued)
Question:
Just turning 9 years ago, my girlfriend and I had a baby girl, in Dayton, Ohio. We Gave her up for adoption. I was 21 and she was 18 at the time. Even though I talked about keeping her, the birth mother's parents wanted us to give her up for adoption. Not to make waves, we did what they wished. Now, I know the baby was adopted by acouple in California, and that's about all I know. Except for the Birth Place. Is there any way I can find her, and do I have the right. Now this has been eatting at me for the last 9 years, but I've Never had the nerve to ask the birth mother or her parents anything about it. The mother is married and has three of her own and still lives in Dayton. I talk to the parents every once in a great while. So I don't want to bring them into it. I'm getting married next June and would like to start a family. I also know that the baby had a medical problem, and would like to find out how she is doing and to see if the problem is hereditary. Thank you for your time,
Dale
bean@inetdirect.net
Response from Carol:
Dear Dale:
Giving a child up for adoption is a very difficult, traumatic action. But certain circumstances -- age, economics, instability, common sense, etc. -- move some of us to make the choice. In a sense, we are giving our child life TWICE: once at birth and the second time at adoption when we hopefully give her/him the security and love of a family.
Your girlfriend made this difficult choice, albeit, with encouragement from her parents, who were more experienced in life. You accepted the decision.
That child has been loved and nurtured by her parents for nine years--throughout the early, most important years of her life. They are the ONLY parents she knows. To even think of walking in and disrupting that little girl's life right now would not only be selfish, but could very possibly have a lasting adverse psychological impact on the child now and in the future. I'm sure that's the last thing you want to do.
Please understand; I KNOW the pain of being separated from a child. I waited 32 years to meet my daughter. As much as I ached for her, however, my love for her would not allow me to make any move that would disrupt her life--even after she turned 21. My love and concern for her well-being far superseded my needs and my desire to reunite. This is what we have to consider. Of course you feel loss. It is painful to know that somewhere out in the world there's a child who is a part of you.
Do you honestly believe that your former girlfriend doesn't ache for her firstborn? Take the time to read the postings by birthmothers and "listen"--the cries of pain are sometimes overwhelming. Just because the baby's birth mother is married and now has other children doesn't mean she has forgotten. Though equally precious and dearly loved, they did not replace her firstborn. Like the rest of us, she probably lives for the day when the child is old enough and secure enough to seek a reunion.
No, Dale, you do not have the right to interfere in your little daughter's life at this time. You haven't the moral right to even THINK about taking her from her parents unless you discover that she is mistreated or threatened.
But you DO have the right to contact the agency or home from which she was adopted to let them know of your concern about the child's health and possible hereditary aspects of any birth defects. You also have a right to provide them with general information about you and official permission for them to release the information to her parents, and to her, when she reaches 18. You might even be able to write to the child's parents through the agency or home, since some forms of open adoption are acceptable today. Maybe you can even send cards and letters to your child, to be held for her 18th birthday, or given to her at her parent's discretion (not unheard of these days).
You can also enroll in various adoption registries, providing updated personal information from time to time, so your daughter can find you if /when she might begin a search. I registered with A.L.M.A. in 1975 when my daughter turned 21; that is how she found me in 1986.
Please, check out our list of recommended books and support groups in your area, and prepare yourself for a time when your grown-up daughter seeks to meet you. Save your postings and copies of any correspondence with the agency/home/a-parents, etc. to give to her at that time. She will be proud to know that you had so much love for her and concern for her well-being.
And, please feel free to write to me when you feel the need.
Carol z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question:
My name is Alicia. I have been looking for my two daughters for 20 years. I have called the Unwedmothers home where I was when I gave birth to my girls. I really never wanted to give either of them up. My mental, financial and personal life forced me into it. I knew deep down that I could be a good mother. But I was so angry at myself and my family that I let myself be talked into giving them up. I have been in deep emotional depression ever since. My life has gone on. But in a useless manner. I could never hold down a job. I got married to an abusive man. I had a son who I love very dearly but could never bring myself to really show him any real love. I was there for him when he needed me but could never show love. Do not missunderstand I do love and will always love my son. I left my husband and was alone for 15 years just wasting my time going from job to job having no friends or family to speak of. I Just got married again February 14th, 1997. My husband want me to continue my search. Which is great the only problems are we don't have the money to spend and not other information other then what is posted. I have called and written to Louise Wise Services and they said they would send me Non Id information todate I have received nothing. I have called and written to the hospital requesting medical records for my daughters and myself, also no reply, I have posted in every registery on line, no relies. I have sent to New York for the birth certificates of my daughters, again nothing. I have spoken to may people who will do a search for me but it will cost me anywhere from $500.00 and up. I know that these people do searches all the time and they keep copies of these searches. So if they already have the information and at least one of them might, and they have already been paid once. Why on Gods good earth do they want to get paid again. Why can't they once in a while help someone gratis. Someone maybe not me but someone who is really in need. Not that I am not. But We have hearts why don't they. I am not asking for help any more I am BEGGING If I have to I will get on my hand and knees and beg someone to help me. I need to find my daughters, I already have had one break down, and I am afraid I am going to have another one. I spend every waking moment and sometimes don't go to sleep from Friday morning until Sunday Night. because I am searching. Even when I do sleep I get up in the middle of the night and run to the computer to see if I have any messages.
Response from Carol:
My Dear Alicia:
Your letter has been passed on to our search support expert and you should be hearing from her soon. There are all sorts of things you can do without having to spend a lot of money, and she will provide you with details.
You have already done a lot of ground work, but like everything, it takes time! When my daughter was 21 (1975) I joined ALMA and entered information in the Registry. For the first year I awoke every day with expectation. I was certain THIS will be the day she knocks on my door or calls me. It didn't happen. It took 11 frustrating years before Susan finally contacted ALMA and found me. She was 32 years old.
It takes TIME, Alicia. Some of us are lucky and the reunion happens within days, weeks or months; others, like me, wait years.
You write that you have already had a "break-down" and that you have suffered "deep, emotional depression" over the years since you gave up your daughters-- I hope that you are in counseling. If not, please, seek help immediately. There are many clinics that offer free or low-cost therapy and the new medications for depression are excellent. The support is important not only now, as you wait and hope, but later, after reunion, and through the years of recovery.
Some of us are affected worse than others by the trauma of separation. I think it has to do with guilt and low self-esteem because of giving up our child. Sometimes we create our own special "hell" as a form of self-punishment.
I, too, experienced depression, though I suppressed it pretty well during the earlier years of my separation from my daughter and went on to a career and a life. Unfortunately I didn't marry, so I didn't have the support of a husband and the love of other children to help me along. The depression hit me hardest during the the last five or six years before our reunion, but I didn't seek professional help until AFTER Susan and I reunited and the depression didn't magically disappear. I took Prozac for a couple of years along with supportive therapy. It helped tremendously. I wish I had sought that kind of support immediately after the adoption, but we birthmoms didn't have that option in those days.
While I no longer take medication, I continue in counseling, reinforcing the therapy sessions by attending weekly meetings of a local RECOVERY, INC support group. Recovery is a "member-driven" self-help organization established in 1937 by a Chicago Psychiatrist to support his patients' recovery. There are about 800 support groups throughout the USA, Canada, Ireland, UK, et.al.. There is no charge, though voluntary contributions of a couple of dollars are happily accepted at the meetings, and you can officially join for $15 a year if you want.
Check out its website: http://www.Recovery-inc.com to see if you might benefit from learning the Recovery "techniques". But; please keep in mind that Recovery doesn't replace professional counseling; it only supports it.
In spite of the pain we endure, it is important for birthmoms to remember that, in most cases, we REALLY did the right thing. It may not have been right for ourselves, but in almost all cases, it WAS for our baby. I gave up Susan because I wanted her to have a stable family life; one I was not equipped at the time to give her. God was smiling on us --- that's exactly what she got. You admit that your decision was made because your "mental, financial and personal life" were a mess and you couldn't give your babies the life you wanted them to have. You, too, made a good choice.
We made a painful sacrifice to protect our children--we did the right thing. We gave our babies a chance to have the normal, happy, secure childhood, and we ALSO made some childless couples very, very happy.
Stop beating yourself over something you did 20 years ago and get to work sorting out your personal problems, get some counseling and make yourself into the kind of person your daughters will be proud to claim as their birthmom. You are very fortunate to have found a husband who is so supportive that is a major step in the right direction.
Check out the adoption reading list and learn what the adoptee's needs are. Take the "waiting time" to get yourself ready to meet your daughters and--Hang in there!
Please feel free to write me when you have the need.
Carol -- z004259b@bc.seflin.org
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