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Question for Carol:
Dear Carol,
I read your story on the internet and was quite touched. I am a adoptee, I was reunited with my mother the first time about 6 years ago. She lives in Germany so I traveled to see her. I was born in Austria and she gave me up when I was 2. She recently came to Sacramento to visit me. Let me also say that she speaks very little English so communication was hard. The visit here was very stressful to say the least, and of all things my husband and I had just completed the adoption of a little girl from Russia so we were still making that adjustment. So now with all that said , what upsets me is that my birth mother refuses to tell me who my father is. She has even gone so far as to say that she doesn't remember his name. I really don't believe her. She says it was a mistake and she doesn't want to remember it. I feel this is so wrong of her to withhold this from me. I have even thought of looking for him myself through the group "Seekers of the Lost", but you know I don't even know his name. Maybe you can give me some insight into this. I am not troubled by my adoption or have any ill feelings toward her for giving me up, its just this one thing that has now put a bigger wedge between us. Thanks Janet
antaudio@calweb.com
Carol's Response:
Dear Janet:
You don't tell me your age so I don't know the "period" during which you were born. Was it BEFORE unification? Did your birthmom live in Eastern or Western Germany? How old was she when she gave birth to you? What were her circumstances at the time? Was she living with her parents? Going to school? Did she keep you those first two years or were you in an orphanage? Were you adopted by an American couple or a German couple? How did you come to the United States? Has she confirmed that your father was German?
All of this information is necessary to help form clues that might lead to an identity. Initially it will be guesswork. I assume you are either in the late 20s or early 30s, which would put your birth in the early 1960s. That was a period of world-wide promiscuity; Beat Generation, flower children, drugs, free love, etc. Depending on where she was (the controlled East or the free West), she could have had many relationships and may not even KNOW who your father was.
On the other hand if you were the result of she thought at the time was a "love relationship" and the boy/man was told of the pregnancy, there's a chance that posting HER name and the date and place of YOUR birth on an adoption website in Germany might draw response from your father or one of his relatives who were aware of the pregnancy.
The period in which you were conceived is very important. Your b-mom may just be protecting herself! If your birth stemmed from a promiscuous act, for example, she might not want to tell you because that would lower your opinion of her even more; she might be ashamed. There are so many considerations.
The fact that you have difficulty communicating, due to language, might lead to misunderstanding. Frankly, I would get someone who is a master at writing in German to write her a long letter, explaining your needs and telling her that it is better to know the WORSE (if that's the case) than to be kept in the dark.
I have a "cousin-in-law" who might be able to write the letter for you if you provide her with background and what you're looking for.
You should also prepare yourself for the worse. Dr. Abraham Low, founder of Recovery, Inc. Warns that "extravagant expectations will of necessity invite disappointments." You might NEVER discover who your father was, and if you do, it could be a big disappointment! Many adoptees, like my daughter, don't seem to place much urgency to meeting their father. I provided her with his background info and even located him for her. I spoke with him on the phone and told him she was interested in contact and he agreed. That was that. I don't even know if they have a relationship.
I think it is basically curiosity; the same thing that makes people latch on to genealogy. The need to know. Bill and I have the same Italian/Irish ethnic background, though my forebears came from the North and his from the South. Both of us have creative backgrounds: he is an artist and I studied art and earned my living in the writing field. Susan is very creative and my nine-year-old grand angel shows incredible talent in writing and art. So, I guess Susan.s curiosity was easier than most to satisfy than most.
Somehow you have to present your case to your b-mom in such a way that she will not feel threatened. She has to know that the truth will not do her damage in any way, and that you fully understand the culture of the time in which you were conceived. Maybe shell let loose. And, consider this--she has now had some time to think about it. I assume she went back to Germany! Maybe, after thinking it over, SHE, herself, will begin a search. Give her a little time, Janet; let her sort out her thoughts. AND PLEASE, don't allow this to cause you to sever your relationship. Now that she knows your need, maybe she'll soften.
Please keep me posted on your progress. Congratulations on your new Daughter; I hope she rewards you with much love and joy. I look forward to hearing from you., dont ever hesitate to write to me when you feel a need. Carol -- z004259b@bc.seflin.org Question for Carol
I GAVE A SON IP FOR ADOPTION 9-27-92. AFTER ALL THESE EARS I STILL MOURN FOR HIS LOSS AND REGRET WHAT I DID. I HAVE CRIED EVERYDAY SINCE AND WORRY ABOUT HIS WELL BEING. I WANT TO KNOW THAT HE IS OK. I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE HIM ANY UNHAPPINES, ESPECIALLY IF HE WAS NEVER TOLD HE WAS ADOPTED. IS THERE A WAY I CAN KNOW HE IS ALRIGHT? OR IF HE IS SEARCHING FOR ME.
ROSEMARY
Answer from Carol:
Dear Rosemary;
You neglected to provide an address, so this letter will be posted on the support page. You don't mention whether you relinquished your son at birth or at an older age. If the birthdate "9/27/92" is not a typographical error, your child is now only approaching his fifth birthday--much too young to conduct a "search."
If the date was an error and it was an earlier decade, there are many things you can do to eventually secure a reunion. Our site offers a free search engine on which you can post vital information (gender, birthdate and place, doctor, hospital, attorney, if any; etc.; you will be prompted for information). There are dozens of registries available.
You can also contact the home/hospital/doctor/lawyer involved in the adoption. Tell them of your interest; let them know that you have no objection to the release of your name and whereabouts if the adoptive parents or child inquires. Find out if it is permissible for you to write letters and send cards to your son, or communicate with his parents through an intermediary address.
I suggest that you also check out the support page for support groups in your area, and, try to get into some sort of professional counseling to help you through the trying years. It is very unusual that adoptive parents dont tell their children about the circumstances of their birth, so I think you can safely assume that your son knows he is adopted. (My daughter's parents told her when she was just a toddler, and raised her to love and respect me.) Judging from most of the postings, this is a common practice.
If the birth date was in 1992 these suggestions are still valid, since his parents might be curious about you and they may have posted inquiries. THAT is becoming more and more common since the locks have been torn off the doors to the secrecy of closed adoption.
Please, Rosemary, don't raise your expectations. Don't expect anything to happen overnight. Male children seem to have less urge to search, for some reason. When they do, it is often in later years when they have children of their own and begin to wonder about heritage, etc.
And, for heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up over this. You made the right decisions under the circumstances, and your son will benefit from that decision. It is natural to mourn his loss and it is natural to have regret, but the deed is done and mourning and regret will only drag you down and hinder your progress in life. Keep him in your heart and go on and do whatever you can to make yourself into the kind of person he will be proud to claim as his birthmom. Don't hinder your progress with depressing thoughts.
Know, too, that you have thousands of sister birthmoms who not only empathize with you, but who offer encouragement.
Please feel free to write to me whenever you feel a need; I will always be available to you. Hugs, Carol z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question:
I gave a wonderful baby boy up for adoption six and a half years ago. It was a private adoption and the Parents send me letters and photos twice a year. I have no other contact than that. I am looking for a support group or some one that I can talk to about my feelings. People that have been there. My husband tries but will never fully understand as wonderful as he tries to be with this it is still hard to deal with on my own. I was in counciling for about 3 months before and 6 months after. But each time the photos and letters come it is painful. Not that I would ever ask them to stop. The parents are raising him to know that he was sdopted and that I gave him up out of love. They are willing to help him find me when he is lod enough. But it is still hard. If you can help me find a group or something I would be grateful. Thank you for your time. Heather
Response from Carol:
Dear Heather:
We need to know the area in which you live in order to provide information on support groups, but I can make two other suggestions-- return to therapy on an "as-needed" basis and check out RECOVERY, Inc to see if there's a possibility of additional support.
How lucky you are to have placed your son with such understanding and caring parents. I can't imagine how it must be to be updated on your baby's progress and, wonder of wonders, to receive photos now and then. That was unheard of during the early 1950s when I gave up Susan. I know it must make your heart ache with loss, but, think of the alternative---to NOT know how he's doing and what he looks like and to NOT be sure that he's loved and cared for.
I know positive thoughts won't erase the pain of loss, but they can be soothing. I think you are taking the right approach in looking for a birthmom support group, but I really think you should check with your previous therapist and find out if you can see her/him on an as-needed basis. In this way you can talk it all out during the most difficult times; immediately after receiving your "annual report" and photos.
Recovery, Inc is a 60 year old self-help organization much like AA; only this is geared to the recovering patient. There are hundreds of local groups scattered around the US and Canada and elsewhere and there's probably one meeting near you. The two-hour sessions are held weekly and are member-led. There is no cost. Its main aim is to help you develop a strong will to help you fight off the depression and other psychological problems. It was founded by Dr. Abraham Low, a Chicago psychiatrist to help his patients during their recovery. Check out the website: http://Recovery-Inc.com. The site provides meeting times and places for the various cities.
The counseling is very important, Heather. Three months before adoption and six months after are not enough to carry a birthparent through the years of separation. There will always be little set-backs. We are so lucky these days to have such a strong support network. There wasn't much help before the early 1970 when ALMA and Orphan's Village broke the silence. The advent of personal computers and the adoption discussion groups of the mid 1980s and now The Internet, have exploded the locked file cabinets and have forced recognition of a tremendous need of support for the Adoption Triad members. There's a lot more to come.
I also suggest that you down load Marcy Axness's articles. They gave me a lot of insight. Also, check out our recommended reading list; there are a lot of books that will help you during crisis periods.
I hope this is of some help. Please feel free to write to me when you feel the need. God Bless you...Carol, z004259b@bc.seflin.org
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