Expert Forum for Birthparents (continued)

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Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird

Expert Forum for Birthparents (continued)

Question for Carol:
When I was 18, in 1964, I gave my son up for adoption at birth. He is now 32 years old and lives in CA with his wife and 5 children. I located him almost 6 years ago. We met in the summer of 1995. I have visited them twice since then. I have a hard time sometimes being so far away - I'm in FL. I feel like I'm forcing myself into their lives sometimes (gifts, cards, calls) I just want so much to be a part of his life, I know I can't. It hurts so much sometimes. There are no support groups around for people like me, mothers who find these adult children and then can't figure out how to handle this new relationship. I realize that I'm much more emotional about this relationship than he is. He has been very patient and under- standing about me coming into his life. If it wasn't for my support from God above, I don't think I could have handled this very well at all. I'm sure every situation is different but any tid- bits of advice or encouragement would be good. It would be nice to find some other birth mothers who have contacted adult children to relate to, people who know how it feels. Thanks, Millie

Carol's Response:
Dear Millie:
Now I know why I was asked to handle this support page--so many birthmoms out there have--or are currently experiencing--the same stages of reunion as I did, with the same reactions, that I feel like I'm talking to myself. NoMillie, every situation is NOT different. You'd be amazed at the similarities we birthmoms share; not just emotions, but also actions and reactions.

I too live in Florida and like your son, my daughter lives far away (Michigan). I think that's a major cause for your problem (as it was mine). It is so difficult to have a proper reunion--discover one another, find our place in the other's life, build some sort of lasting relationship, create a "shared history"--when hundreds or thousands of miles separate us. Sending gifts and cards and making frequent calls are a natural reaction to the distance and the need to communicate. We can't be there in person, so we attempt to connect in any way we can, as often as we can. It isn't "wrong," but it can be over-done.

Sure, you probably DO come off like you're "forcing" yourself into their lives. My son-in-law once accused me of trying to "buy" their love. He hadn't known me long enough to realize that giving gifts is a way I developed of GIVING my love across the miles, while my nieces and nephews were growing up; they were in Illinois and I was in Florida. I'm sure he realizes that now; after over ten years of knowing me.

Most of us birthmoms are insecure in our relationship with our reunited child. We're not sure where we fit in, especially if the child is married and has children of his/her own. While we carried THEM in our hearts and minds throughout THEIR life, THEY were busy LIVING their lives. Sure, they thought and wondered about us now and then; but we were only shadows. On the other hand, we were living for the day of reunion, and that was the most important part of our lives. So, we're emotional! We tend to want MORE than our child can give. We're frustrated and frightened.

Faith is a great healer, but sometimes we need a little extra help, like someone to listen and counsel us, and give us a little assistance over the pot holes in the road to "recovery." That's why so many of us seek professional counseling sometime early in the reunion. We need to dig deep into our psyche to uncover the wound that has been festering since we relinquished our child. We need to learn how to banish the guilt and heal the wound. We went through the hell of separation, now is NOT the time to fall apart. Try to find a way to get professional counseling. Check out our recommended reading list and check out some books on reunions at your public library. Log on to Marcy Axness' Adoptee Support Page and download some of the things she's written to get some of the adoptee's viewpoint. Give your son a breather. For example, I correspond with my granddaughters (9 & 11) far more than I do my daughter. Susan generally writes me about once a month, but the girls are my pen pals. I still send gifts, but my calls are far less frequent. They have a very busy life and much as I want to connect ALL THE TIME, I've learned how to stand off and let them make the moves. My granddaughters are a lot like I was at their ages and I enjoy sharing books and memories with them. They've turned into great communicators. I've also developed a special "tradition" to share with them. I began creating Halloween costumes for them ever since the oldest was a toddler. They're imaginative and both are avid readers, so each year the project becomes more challenging, as they come up with more elaborate ideas. I've made some pretty elegant gowns for the little princesses over the years. This past week they went the theater to see Camelot and Little Women, so I've got a feeling I already know what the costume choices will be this October.

Anyway, there are many ways to develop your relationship with your son and his children. If you aren't imaginative, check out some of the books on grandparenting over distances at the library. And, Millie, play it "cool" and get on with your life. You have the rest of your lifetime to build a relationship with your son; take time to discover interesting ways to do it. Please keep me posted on your progress and don't hesitate to write me when you feel a need. God bless you ...
HUGS, Carol

Question for Carol:
My son (21) and I (39) have just been reunited (April). All went well in the beginning, but now it's not so well. I reacted with guilt and anger and lashed out at his adoptive parents and he lashed out at me. We are barely speaking. What should I do next?

Carol's Response:
Your note exemplifies what we mean when we refer to reunions as an "emotional rollercoaster" ride. Your experience is not uncommon; I had a very similar experience just three months into my reunion with my daughter, and again four years into the reunion, so I really can empathize with you.

There is really not much advice I can give other than to tell you that this is a tremendously difficult time for ALL members of the triad; we are tense, expectant, hopeful and frightened. Most adoptive parents are struggling with visions of possible loss; we birthmothers have the added stress of the guilt and regret we've lived with during the "lost years," and the child bears the brunt of the pain of both sides.

I truly love my daughter's parents, but that "green-eyed monster" -- envy of the "mom" who raised my child -- is always looming in the background. It is impossible not to envy them, and it is only recently that I've come to grips with my emotions. It has taken several years of continuing therapy for me to dig into my psyche and trounce that ugly guilt and remorse to death.

We have to learn to accept the fact that our child's adoptive parents are his/her PARENTS. They are the people who loved and nurtured our little babies and raised them to be the fine adults they are today. Yes, we "created" the child; yes, we've carried our deep love for the child throughout his/her life; yes, his/her genetic identity is tied to ours. But, NO, we did not "parent" our child.

We often think that the most difficult decision we have made in our lives was the decision to relinquish our child; no, that isn't the most difficult decision! It is this one: to accept whatever role our child determines that we should play in his/her life. Oh, Lord; that IS difficult, but it is necessary if we want any kind of lasting relationship.

I've only JUST learned that; I still struggle with it, but I am determined to accept it. You have to make your own choice. Maybe you'll find, like I did, that the best way to come to grips with this situation is to seek professional counseling.

So, what next? Write him a letter. (re-write it a dozen letters before you mail it.) I don't know what the circumstances were that moved you to "lash out" at his parents, but I suspect that envy played a large role. Try not to be emotional or maudlin in your letter. Explain to him that you want a relationship with him and that you need his support while you find a place in his life. Check out the books recommended on this Site, and read about the experiences others have had. I found Birth Bond extremely helpful; so much so that I sent Susan a copy.

Read the Adoptee Support and Adoptive Parent pages on this site for some insight into the feelings of the adoptee and his/her parents. And, please, keep in touch with me. Good luck,
Carol -- e-mail z004259b@bc.seflin.org

Question for Carol:
My daughter was placed for adoption at birth 14 years ago. I am not even sure if the adoption agency that placed her is still around. We live in a different city, but my mother still lives at the same address I did when she was born, so I am confident that if she is able to get hold of her records, she can find me.

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My question is, how do I go about letting her know I want to find her and when should I start looking?
Joy

Carol's Response:
Dear Joy:
Thanks for your posting. Although I don't recommend any attempt at reunion before your daughter is 18, there are several things you can do to prepare for it.

First, as with all of my responses to birthmoms looking ahead to reunion

-- GET COUNSELING! No matter how "all-together" you might feel right now, the stress can throw you for a loop. You need to talk it out. Join a support group, and read everything about reunions you can find. Log in on Marcy Axness (adoptee support page) and read her postings and her articles. She gives good insight on the adoptee's point of view and expectations. Prepare yourself.

Armed with the NAME of the agency and the city, you can easily find out if it still exists. If you can find it, write a letter (have it notarized) giving them permission to devulge your name and whereabouts, and keep them regularly posted if you move.

Log on to our Search Registry and provide information: Girl Adoptee, DOB, City of Birth first, and then other info you might care to include. By giving DOB, gender and city of birth, you help the searcher zero in on possible matches.

Remember, though, she isn't your "baby" anymore. She's a teenager who has a set of parents and a family. You are her birthmom, but she has a "mother." It is very difficult for us birthmoms to fully understand that.

While we live to reunite with them...they are living their lives, hopefully in a secure, loving home. Don't make any moves to disrupt this during the important growing up years. Sometimes even at age 18 and 21, the adoptee isn't ready for reunion. My daughter tells me that though she wanted to meet and know me, she wasn't really ready for it at 18 or 21. We reunited when she was 32, and we've still had some rough times.

Hang in there and prepare. Feel free to contact me whenever you have the need. Hugs, Carol --
z004259b@bc.seflin.org

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