Expert Forum for Birthparents (continued)

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Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird

Expert Forum for Birthparents (continued)

Question for Carol:
I am a happily reunited birthmother and my concern is not about myself. However, I know another birthmother who contacted a registry with medical information for her child, but who DID NOT wish for a reunion. She now states that she is being "harrassed" by the registry because the adoptee wants a reunion and she (the birthmother) does not. I find this hard to believe and have never heard of such a thing. Have you heard of assertive/agressive tactics on the part of search/registry organizations? This birthmother says she will get an attorney and sue. . .I just can't believe any agency would operate like this. Are any guidelines for these agencies? How firmly or how often does the birthmother have to say no?

Carol's Response:
Dear Bethany,
No, I've never heard of "assertive/aggressive tactics" being used by search/registry organizations?

As far as I understand, that is NOT a common practice. I don't know of any "guidelines" in existence, but I do know from experience that the early registries, such as ALMA's and the International Soundex founded by Emma May Vilardi in the early 1970s, are run on a VERY ethical basis. I would assume that once a birthparent states s/he is NOT--under any circumstances--interested in a reunion, that would be final.

Since the opening of the onramp to The Internet, however, a multitude of "registries" and search organizations have emerged -- some of them are run by amateurs who are schooled in neither ethics nor law. Basically most of them are well-intentioned; they just want to help. The problem is that many don't understand or accept rejection; they see only one side--theirs. It is unfortunate, because cases like the one you describe only serve to clog the wheels of reunion that so many have worked so long and so arduously to set in motion. If you can, please get e-mail the name and address of the registry causing the problems to me (privately); perhaps we can persuade them to let up.

Personally, I can't even imagine a birthmom not wanting a reunion of some kind with her own child! I lived for reunion throughout the entire 32 years of separation from Susan. I have had only one experience with a rejecting birthmom, and though I strive to be fair and understanding, I have a problem accepting that sort of thing. Each case is different, though. Perhaps this birthmom conceived via some horrible act that she wants desperately to put behind her.

Of course it is the CHILD I am most concerned about. How horrible it must be for an adoptee to discover that her/his initial relinquishment was, in fact, rejection, FOR REAL! I worry about the adoptee's reaction and the potential damage such a rejection can have on her/him. I pray that the people at that registry have sense enough to steer him/her to counseling before the pain does serious damage. The adoptee is an "innocent"; s/he had nothing to do with the circumstances of conception or the ordeal of birth; why in the world inflict such punishment on him/her?

We can say "at least she cared enough to post medical information." But, THAT is probably what fueled the registry people's persistence-- i.e.: if she cares enough to do this, she must have SOME feelings for the child! It would have been better to withhold med info (unless there is something terrible in the genes) than to inflict this sort of pain on your child.

The threat of a law suit is ridiculous if the birthmother REALLY wants to protect her anonymity! A law suit would only serve to bring attention to her and her situation, which I suspect she'd prefer to avoid.

Can you persuade the birthmom to write a letter to the child explaining the circumstances leading to the rejection and giving the child some sort of decent closure? It is so terribly cruel to just slam the door and throw the bolt. A well-thought-out letter to the child, bearing no return address and sent through a friend or contact in another part of the country (let the adoptee know this in order to deter him/her from a fruitless search) might at least let the child down a little gentler. Surely that's the least she could do, after all, she's the one who cracked open the door to her "closet."

I hope I've provided some sort of help in this matter. Please keep me posted on whatever progress is made; you can lay odds that I'm going to lose some sleep over this one. And, thank you so much for passing the information on to us, Bethany; those of us who have had successful reunions are deeply concerned with protecting the movement from being tarnished or hampered.
Hugs, Carol

Question for Carol:
Hi, my name is Janet and I have recently reunited with my son. It has been nothing but great. I have always dreamed of reunion, and he has seriously wanted to find me since his high school days. Since reuniting in April we have gotten together five times. We call each other every week and have written frequently. I feel we have become very close and my husband and three other sons feel the same way. I think we have adjusted well. They treat him as though he has always been a part of our family.

What I am concerned about is the reaction of his adopted sister; she's a year older than he and they've always been very close. They are both young and in college. My son, who just turned 22 on August 20, is married. When I visit him and his sister is there I feel very uncomfortable. She has been nice to me and all, but I am unsure about how she feels. I'd like some advice about what I could say or do to make her feel better about me coming into her brother's life. I don't want anything to stand between my son and me, but at the same time, I don't want to rock the boat. She has not had luck finding her mom, which may be part of the problem. If you have any advice let me know. Thanks you for your time, Janet

Carol's Response:
Dear Janet,
I'm not a trained professional, but from my personal experience and those shared with me by other birthmothers who have reunited, I'd say your's is a common experience. Early in reunions, while we're lulled by the indescribable joy of seeing and touching and discovering the grown-up person who was our baby, there's a tidal wave of emotions building up that will eventually crash down on us.

One of the emotions--probably the earliest--that grips many of us is a form of jealousy. One day the reality that the "baby" we gave up so many years ago ISN'T OURS jolts us off our cloud. He/she is the adoptive parent's child; s/he has siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins that are not related to us. They are the ones who shared his/her entire lifetime. They're familiar with his/her habits, tastes, temper, hopes, needs! All those years that YOU spent apart from him--remembering him as "my baby" he was growing up as someone else's child.

As that now grown person we gave birth to unfolds before us, our emotions (and imaginations) burst into flame. We realize what we always knew -- we missed something special. Though mother and child, we're strangers! Eventually, though we don't mean to, we tend to look at members of our child's family as potential "rivals" or even a "threat" to this budding relationship of ours. Ergo! We feel uneasy and nervous in their presence; we feel like we're being compared, tested!

In reality there's usually no threat at all, and certainly no rivalry. In your case, it's my guess that your son's sister probably makes it a point to come around when you are there because she wants to share her brother's happiness (and maybe share a bit of you, in the absence of her own birthmom). They probably talked about finding their birthmoms as they were growing up. Maybe she feels that knowing you and seeing you and her brother together will help prepare her for a hoped-for reunion with her birthmother. She probably watches the two of you very closely, noting the similarities. (My son-in-law did that to me (still does); sometimes I felt like I was under a microscope when I was around him. Sometimes I'd catch Susan's mom or sister doing the same thing. Talk about uneasy! Now (years later) I recognize it for what it was; in fact, people looking at Susan's picture glance back and forth, too; noticing the resemblance, etc.) I'm guilty of the same thing, I often spend hours scrutinizing photos of Susan and my granddaughters, noting resemblance. That's my insecurity taking over!

So, why not take another approach. Consider what your son's sister may be feeling since, as you say, she hasn't had any luck finding her own birthmom. Perhaps you might bring her into your family circle along with your son; after all, she HAS played a major role in his life. Remember, she relates to him; she's adopted too. Encourage her to share memories of their growing-up years with you. Maybe you can help her in her search by posting her information for her on the Registry.

My guess is that your relationship with your son will be even stronger if you can form a caring relationship with her. From what you say about your husband and other sons, I assume they'll welcome her as they have your son. I think that might be the answer you're looking for, or, at least it might help you understand your emotions a little better. Good luck, Janet; please keep me posted. Hugs, Carol --
z004259b@bc.seflin.org

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