Expert Forum for Birthparents continued....
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird
Expert Forum for Birthparents
continued....
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol,
I gave up my daughter 27 years ago for adoption. In all those years the only contact I had with her was a picture I recieved when she was a baby. last December 17,1996, she called me . It made me as happy as I have ever been. The following couple of weeks were like heaven! We live in different states so we had to settle for many long phone conversations.as the calls progressed, things started getting more difficult as we started raising diffferent issues, but I thought that we were really making progress toward building a lasting relationship. Finally on Feb.2, 1997, she emailed me and said she needed time and that she would contact me. I did not hear from her until she emailed again in June to tell me she was still there and she loved me. It is now September and I feel like giving up. There are days that I wish I would have never talked to her. I have become so down about this that I can't really get on with living . Should I write her ? Try to call her ? Or do nothing?
Carol's Response:
The picture I get from your letter isn't as clear as it could be. You say YOU gave up your daughter 27 years ago. Do you mean that you had custody and relinquished her...or that you consented to let her birthmother give her up? Does she have a relationship with her birthmother? What are her adoptive parents feelings with regard to the reunion? You don't tell me whether you are married and have other children, etc., or if she is married.
I can take a stab at offering a little advice, but without a more clear picture, I'm treading on thin ice.
First of all, I'm delighted to hear from a Birthdad who cares so much. You are one of only a few B-dads to communicate with me and I hope I'll hear from others as time progresses. Its a learning experience for me since Bill (my daughter's B-dad) seems so disinterested. But, that's not important anymore--it's his loss (a mighty big loss, at that).
Anyway, it might comfort you to know that the "give-me-some-space" thing is quite common after the initial impact of reunion cools down a bit. Every now and then you have to step back to view the entire picture with your child's eyes. Put yourself in her shoes.
As traumatic as this experience is to you, it is doubly so for your daughter. For example: If her adoptive family is loving, she is probably contending with the strain of trying to avoid hurting their feelings. If she's also reunited with her Birthmom, there might be a bit of strain there, especially if your relationship with the B-mom has been negative. If she is married, there's the strain of her responsibilities to her husband; if she has children, the burden is even heavier. If she has a career, she might have neglected it during her search, and is trying to piece it all together. However you look at it, SHE HAS LOOSE ENDS TO TIE UP and she probably is pretty stressed out under all the weighty concerns.
Then, there's the "issues" you spoke of. I well remember discussion of "issues" with Susan and the repercussions. You know the saying about Religion and Politics -- well, we had a double whammy.
I'm Roman Catholic and politically conservative and she was raised Jewish and she and her husband (non-Jewish like me) lean toward the left a bit. None of this bothered ME. I've always had a great deal of respect for the teachings of Judaism, and as for politics, well, while I'm not about to change my sentiments. I have always had the ability to look at all sides of an issue! Of course I was in the mellow early 50s when we reunited and don't care to argue with my daughter. We don't discuss politics or religion today.
There are other minor hassles that come up now and then, but I don't make an issue of them. Besides, those sort of problems are not limited to the Adoption Triad; every family have differences. They are only as important as we chose to make them. So, Ron, whatever the "issues" were, they are not important enough to shatter your relationship with your child.
Ironically, Susan and I reunited on December 16 (86) and had our first disagreement in February (87), (one in March, too). There was a bit of a fracture in our relationship, but, fortunately it didn't last too long. I wrote her a long letter, and she wrote me a long letter, Let's face it, that awful strain of trying always to make a good impression eventually has to break us down. We all need to take a breather and try to gather some perspective on the relationship.
I think that's what is happening with your daughter. (Could also be the long- distance phone bills! They can be a $hocker.) Yes, I do think you should write a letter. Tell her the happiness you felt in reuniting with her and how empty the months of no communication have been. Ask her if you can write each other and, if you can afford to arrange a personal meeting with her, suggest that you pay a visit (stay at a motel--don't impose on her). Tell her you know she's feeling strain and that you are too. I know it is very difficult to have a long-distance reunion, much less a long-distance relationship, I'm in the same prediciment. But, over time it becomes easier.
DON'T tell her you wish she hadn't phoned you or that you hadn't reunited! You KNOW that isn't true. No matter how difficult the reunion may be right now, it is far better than the 27 years of not knowing her. We birthparents tend to be led by our emotions and sometimes read things into the relationship that don't exist. We're in a hurry to make up for the lost years and it takes a while for us to understand that those years CAN'T be made up. We have to get back to the drawing board and create ANOTHER type of relationship with our child (and if we're lucky, our grandchildren). It won't be the child/parent relationship we lost, but we can create something very, very special.
In the meantime hang on to what you have of her, and let her call the shots. Let her control the situation. While you're waiting do some reading on adoption reunions. You will be amazed over the similarities in reunion experiences. Check out the birthparent support groups. Marcy Axness provides an excellent list of adoption support organizations that might steer you to a support group near you. And, if things get tough, try professional counseling; it really helps to talk it out. Hang in there, and feel free to contact me when you need someone to talk to... Hugs, Carol
Carol Bird, e-mail z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol,
I am a Birthmother. My son is now 10 years old. I think at the time I gave him up I was too young to know what the joy motherhood could bring. I was also concerned about the quality of life I could offer him. I am now mother of a beautiful daughter who is six years old and another daughter is due in January.
The Adoption Agency I used for my son is Christian-oriented and my son was placed with the kind of family that I would have wanted to be raised in. This agency allows me to write to the adoptive family, but they also have the right not to respond.
My question is how do I get through the pain of not knowing how he is and what he looks like...and maybe never knowing? To add to this, I also carry the guilt of not having told my father that I had a son who I had placed for adoption, until two years ago. He has always wanted a grandson and because of my decision long ago I may never be able to give him one. Thank you for any support or answer.
Sincerely, A loving Mom
Carol's Response:
Dear "Loving Mom,"
You don't say whether you've taken the agency up on the invitation to write to your son's parents.
Assuming you have and they've used the option not to answer, I'd advise you to continue writing. Write a letter to your son on his Birthday each year. Send his parents a cover letter explaining that you are writing these letters in hope that, if they don't feel it is appropriate at this time to give or read them to him, they will save them for him for such a time when he might be curious about you or is troubled about his adoption, or needs reassurance that he was not rejected by you, but is loved very much. Assure them of the fact that you are not a threat to them or him and that you are grateful that he is being raised and nurtured by loving parents in the secure and loving family environment that you were unable to provide.
In your first letters to HIM explain the circumstances; i.e.: that you were young and insecure and consequently unable to provide the kind of life you wanted him to have, etc. Tell him how grateful you are that he has such loving parents and reassure him that he is in your thoughts always and that you hope that someday, when he is older, you will have an opportunity to meet and know one another--and his parents. "Talk" to him in your letters just like you would if he was sitting next to you. As time goes on, use your letters to share yourself and your thoughts with him. Do tell him about his sisters and let him know what hopes you have for his future. Share with him positive things about his father and family talents he may have inherited. Be encouraging and thoughtful. Keep copies of every letter your write, just in case his parents don't share the ones you send. That way, when/if a reunion happens, you can pass on to him your "thoughts" from past years.
As for getting through the pain of "not knowing"--you never do, completely! It is always there in the background. You can only hope that one day his parents will feel secure enough to send you a photograph and share highlights of his life with you. Take solace in knowing that at least there's a POSSIBILITY of some sort of communication; that's much, much more than Birthmothers of my generation had. Focus on the future, and enjoy your little girls and your husband and other children you might have in the future. Read books written by adoptees so that you can be prepared for what he might need to know. Find a confidant (maybe your husband or a professional counseler) with whom you can talk out your grief during the difficult times.
As for your father! Oh, Boy that's one with which I can empathize! I was two when my parents divorced and my dad was my primary parent. My dad (Italian descent) was loving, but strict and a bit puritanical when it came to his daughter. By the time I reached the teens I rebelled and went to live with my mother who was much easier going, and then went off on my own. Naturally I couldn't tell my dad when I got pregnant; it would have disappointed him terribly.
I told my stepmother about the baby in 1974, shortly after enrolled in ALMA's Registry, but asked her not to tell him until a reunion was possible. At such a time I hoped she would help me break the news to him. He died of cancer the following year; the year Susan turned 21, so he never knew about her. I take comfort in the fact that he had my brother's and half-brother's children to dote on.
I don't think your dad is any more partial to grandSONS than he is with the gift of grandDAUGHTERS you've already given him. Sure, he'd like to know his first-born grandchild, but don't beat yourself up over that; I'll bet he's thrilled with what he has. You did the right thing for your son at that time, and you gave a wonderful gift to a childless couple. Keep that thought in mind and use the next decade to prepare for an eventual reunion...
HUGS, Carol
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol:
I put a baby girl up for adoption in December 1987. I went though my church. I call her Carol Ann; she was only four days old. I held her and bottle fed her in the hospital, even though everyone told me it would be harder to give her up if I did. When I held her I knew I was not meant to keep her (not that I don't love her, I did/do love her very much). I was told she was placed in her adoptive parents home on December 24th. I have other children now and can only guess how happy they were to have her.
This year the adoption service informed me that I could write to her as often as I want. They will keep all my letters to give to her when she is old enough and is looking for me. I am still trying to think of the right things to tell her. I'm just scared she won't care to look and I'm just getting my hopes up for a fall. I have told my kids they have a sister out there somewhere. I guess my Question is what do I tell her about myself, my family and why I gave her up?
Carol's Response:
h, what a wonderful Christmas present you gave to a childless couple! I imagine they are very grateful to you and Christmastide is a special time for the family.
Please read my response to "Loving Mother," who gave up her son ten years ago, too. She has similar concerns.
You have a wonderful opportunity in being able to write to your little girl. Think of it as keeping a "diary" of sorts. Write a special Birthday letter each year and follow the advice I gave to "Loving Mother." "Talk" to your daughter in your letters. Let her know you love her deeply and pray that she has a happy life. Tell her about you and her siblings and share your life with her in your letters.
The chances that she will eventually look for you are very good, so while it is smart to be prepared for rejection, it is very likely you will reunite one day. Keep that thought and do whatever you can to be someone she will be proud to claim as her birthmother.
With hugs...Carol
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Expert Forum for Birthparentswho have placed children more than 5 years ago.
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