Expert Forum for Birthparents Continued...
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Carol Bird
Expert Forum for Birthparents
Continued...
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol,
I placed a baby through a reputable agency in 1983 in TX. Since then the staff has completely changed. Three months ago I called to inquire about the welfare of my son and his family. The voice on the other end of the line sounded like the person couldn't wait to get off the phone. She acted as if I was putting her out by asking to check on him... My question now is how do I go about finding out how he is?
Carol's Response:
Dear Terri:
NEVER PHONE an agency (or anyone) to inquire about an adoptee--write a certified letter, and be sure to check off the box requesting a return receipt! Remember to keep a copy of the letter and the receipts.
Most agencies will refuse to divulge any information over the phone; it's unethical and maybe even illegal to do so. However, if, when the adoption was finalized, there was an agreement that you would be given information and/or that you could occasionally write a letter to the adoptive parents via the agency, they are obligated to fulfil that agreement (even if the agency has changed hands). In these times most agencies are willing to make arrangements to serve as intermediary between adoptive parents and birth parents, allowing you to exchange letters now and then. Sometimes they are hesitant because in the early years (especially) a birthparent is so hungry for her child that she is moved to flood the adoptive family with letters and requests or even demands. There is an almost desperate need to connect with the lost child and sometimes we tend to act without thinking.
Your son is about 14 now and these are crucial years in a child's life. He's entering the teens and there's trauma enough during this phase. Neither he nor his parents need disruption or threats right now. If you appear to be a threat, they'll back off and you'll lose your opportunity to connect.
Write a "gentle" letter to your son's parents inquiring about his welfare, activities, appearance, health, interests, etc. Ensure them that you are not a threat to their family, but that you deeply love your child and need assurance that he is okay. Ask them if they would send you updates through the agency occasionally (maybe on his birthday each year). Make the letter short and lighthearted. Put the letter in an unsealed envelope and write a cover letter to the agency requesting that they forward your letter to your son's parents (if you leave it unsealed and they see it isn't threatening, you stand a good chance that they'll forward the letter). Maybe, eventually, you can write to your son and his parents can hold your letter for him to give him when he's 18 or 21, depending on his maturity.
Don't get your hopes up. This might not work! But its worth a try. Save copies of all of your attempts to make contact to give to your son when (if) you reunite. If you continue to have problems with the agency, check with our Website's Legal Expert on your rights. In the meantime, post your identifying information on the Registry and join a birthparent support group. Check out the list of books on adoption on this Website and read books written by adoptees and birthparents and their experiences throughout the years and into reunion and post reunion periods. It will help prepare you, and it will help heal you. You aren't alone, Terri, there are many of us who have experienced what you are going through. You can learn a lot from our experiences.
Hang in there. HUGS . . . CAROL, e-mail z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol,
In October 1975, with the help of my parents, I gave up a baby boy for adoption. I am now married and have a big family, but not a day goes by that I do not think of my son. The only problem is that I cannot ask my only living parent any questions about the adoption because it is a real sore subject. The adoption was private and a lawyer handled it all.
I remember everything about his birth, but I don't even know which state the adoption was finalized in. I gave birth in NJ, but I think we went to NY for the final adoption paper signing. How do I go about finding information about what court handled it and what other information I need to do a search?
Carol's Response:
Dear Colleen:
As long as you have your son's date of birth and the name of the hospital and the city in which it is located, you have a good start for a search. When you submit your information to the Registry, be sure to mention that you are not certain whether the adoption was finalized in NJ or NY. I don't think they can legally falsify birth records to show a different state of birth. For that sort of information you can check with the website's Legal Expert.
If your son begins a search, the date of birth, gender and state (in this case NJ/NY) will help lead him to you. Keep in mind, too, that a match will probably not happen immediately. It takes time, and, while you wait out that time, I suggest that you read everything about adoptions and reunions you can find; and pay special attention to the experiences of adoptees. What you learn will help you to understand your son's needs and will give you some ideas about what NOT to do or say as your relationship unfolds. You'll find an excellent list of books on adoptions and reunions on this website.
Please prepare yourself. There's a lot of trauma in the reunion and recovery process. They don't call this an emotional roller coaster for nothing. The adoptee/birthparent relationship is unlike anything you've ever seen, heard about, or experienced. Sometimes there's an immediate bond; sometimes it involves a time-consuming rebirth and, unfortunately, sometimes a bond is never realized and the relationship goes sour. I think lack of preparation and unrealistic expectations on the part of both birthparents and adoptees are the root cause of unsuccessful reunions. The age of the adoptee also plays a role-- the more mature they are, the better the chance of a bonding of sorts.
Prepare your husband, children and other family members, too, by urging them to read about this phenomenon. Don't just spring it on them without preparation; that can only lead to misunderstandings and ill feelings.
NOW, about your parent! Twenty-two years have passed since you relinquished your son, don't you think that perhaps your parent has mellowed a bit and that he/she might even be harboring remorse over the adoption?
Even if there is no remorse on his/her part, they have no right to keep information about your child from you. In the beginning your parents probably believed that the experience could be "put behind you" and that you'd "forget it and go on with your life" and all the other tired cliche's so prevalent during the closed adoption era. There might even be some guilt baggage being toted around by the parent.
The point is, Colleen, YOU are the one who has suffered the trauma of loss for the past 22 years, and you have a RIGHT to any information your parent may have. Besides, what are you, and the grandparent, going to do if your son comes into your life? Is the grandparent going to act as though he is a nonentity? That won't work.
My suggestion is that you immediately broach the subject with your parent. I'd do it by letter (they can't walk away, argue or clam up when faced with a letter!), I'd hit the parent with the "obligation of parenthood." Any parent who truly loves his/her child must understand that the child (in this case the birthparent) is also a parent who loves her child...and that child was denied her. Tell your parent, bluntly, about the suffering you've endured over these two decades; about the memories you have of that experience; hurting memories that time can never erase.
Give "life" to your son in the letter. Make him a real person to the grandparent (and stress the "grandparent" title). Rip off the "safe" wrapping that they've swaddled "the baby we gave up" in, and show him as a 22-year- old young man, possibly in college; perhaps even a father himself.
Make it clear to your parent that if he/she truly loves you, he/she will do whatever s/he can to help ease your pain by giving you the tools you need to help lead your son to you, so that at least now, in the adult years, you and he can form some sort of relationship.
If you don't do this, any relationship you have with your son will be marred by the parent's denial of him as a grandchild. Adoptees don't need that; many of them already sense rejection by the very act of our giving them up for adoption in the first place. Browse through some of the letters we receive from adoptees, and read some of Marcy Axness' articles to get more of a "feel" for the adoptee.
Please keep me posted on your progress. My prayers and support are always with you.
With hugs...Carol
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Expert Forum for Birthparentswho have placed children more than 5 years ago.
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