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Question for Carol:
Carol,
I've seen a couple of letters at this site that hit pretty close to home, but none of them had an answer attached. I am the brother of an individual who was given up for adoption about 35 years ago. I am now 27 so my brother should be 34, just about to turn 35. My mother told me about him about 10 years ago but I was never ready to try to search for him.
My mom has always wanted to find him, but was afraid to do so. I would like to find him. I guess more to the point, I'd like to locate his adoptive parents. I don't want to intrude in his life if he doesn't know that he was adopted. So, I would like to find his adoptive parents first and see if it is okay for me to contact him.
My problem is, I really don't have any idea how to start the search. I really don't want to tell my mom about my search until there is some good news to tell her. I would much rather keep it under wraps, in case nothing positive turns up from the search. All I know is that: he was born in Ravenna OH (I believe) and that he was a couple of months old when he was given up for adoption. I believe that he was born in February 1963.
Any advise that you can give me to start would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
PATRICK C
Carol's Response:
Dear Patrick:
I suggest you begin by joining the Adoption Registry and posting what information you possess: SEARCHING FOR MALE ADOPTEE, DOB: Jan/Feb. 1963, Born in Ohio, possibly Ravenna. etc.
There has been so much publicity about the reunion movement in the past few years that there is a good chance if your brother does know he is adopted, he searches the registry or has already posted information about himself on the registry. By using that as a starting point, you might save a lot of effort on your part.
Chances are that he does know. Most adoptive parents tell their child about the adoption as soon as they think the child is old enough to understand. It is only in rare cases that it is kept a secret. Sometimes male adoptees are hesitant to search for their birth family. I don't know if it is fear of rejection or that they just aren't interested. A female adoptee generally is more likely to search because she's the "bearer of children," and can more easily identify with the Birthmother.
Try the registry first, and if you have no match in a few months, check out our site for information on how to conduct a search. In this case, getting your brother's adoptive name is first priority; with the name you have a base from which to start a search for the adoptive parents.
Good luck. Please come back to this forum and let me know how you are progressing from time to time.
Hugs, Carol - z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question for Carol:
I am a young single mother of a beautiful four-year-old girl. When I became pregnant with her at the 'ripe old age' of sixteen, my mother informed me that she had been pregnant as a teenager herself, but had given the boy up for adoption immediately.
Since that time, five years ago, I have not brought up the subject with my mother and feel very uncomfortable confronting her about it. I would very much like to find my older half-brother, but I don't have very much information about him. Is there a service that helps out the relatives of the birthmothers?
What would you advise?
SARAH
Carol's Response:
Dear Sarah:
Seems like all my letters today are similar in content; i.e., other members of the family interested in finding adoptees. I'd like to offer the same advice I've given to Patrick: post information on the Adoption Registry. Your brother may already be on the registry.
If your Mom cared enough to tell you about him, she may be looking for your support in helping her find him. Like I told Christy, in the letter that follows: Birthmothers NEVER forget. Talk to your mother about it and tell her you would like to know your brother. Tell her about the Adoption websites and about the reunion movement, and all of the successes adoptees and birth families are marking in their quest to reunite. Tell her about the Registry and ask for specific information -- date and place of birth, and any other information that might help make a match. Post it on the registries, and be sure to check out the major registries and the on-line adoptee forums and bulletin boards to see if he is already registered.
There are tons of support materials on conducting a search on this site and others, and there are dozens of books available at your public library or local book store that will help guide you. Check out Marcy Axness' (Adoptee Support Forum) for additional information and book reviews.
I hope I have been of some help. Please keep me posted on your progress. Hugs and HAPPY HOLIDAY SEASON.
CAROL
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol:
Does the Birthmother ever forget? My husband who is adopted, is 22 years old. He just recently told me that he would like to know more about his Birthmother, but he is scared.
When my husband was adopted, there was little information available about his Birthparents. He knows the state he was born in and that his b-mother was 14 and the father was 16.
My question is how many Birthparents reject their children when they try to reunite? My husband has the usual fantasies about his Birthparents, but is so afraid that they will reject him. What can I do to help?
CHRISTY
Carol's Response:
Dear Christy.
No! A Birthmother NEVER forgets the baby she relinquished. Some b-moms might choose to turn their back on the past, but the baby is always there. Indeed, there are rejections on both sides. Sometimes the birth-mom, after a successful search is rejected by her child, and sometimes the adoptee is turned away by the birth-parent s/he has found. It happens. But it doesn't happen frequently. And even after rejection, sometimes a reunion comes after both parties get over the shock.
If you read my story, you will discover that I did not "actively" search for my daughter; I just opened all the closed doors to my identity in the hope that she would search for ME. I feared disrupting her life and I feared being rejected.
Somewhere, out there in the real world, there's a 36-year-old woman with an empty place in her heart. She had a child at age 14, and they told her that it was best for her to give her baby up; that, in that way, she could "put it all behind her and get on with her life." She did, but my guess is that she never succeeded in "putting it behind her." You can't forget; the shadow of the infant remains with you always, and memories of the months you carried your baby keep popping up when you least expect them.
I think you should encourage your husband to post his birth information on the Adoption Registry; who knows, there may already be a match. His Birthmother may be looking for him. Like me, she may have waited until his 21st birthday. If she hasn't joined a Registry, she might eventually do so, and if his information is posted, she'll have no trouble finding him.
That's the good news about the Adoption Registries; only those who WANT to reunite will post information, and only those who WANT a reunion will search a Registry. That makes rejection less of a threat. Start there. But, don't expect miracles; it might take time before a match is made. I posted my information way back in 1975 (when the adoption reunion movement was just in embryo). It wasn't until 1986 that my daughter registered. A match was made immediately, in our case..... that was eleven years ago this December 16.
Please let me know how you are progressing, and feel free to contact me at any time, for any reason.
Hugs, Carol (z004259b@bc.seflin.org)
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