Expert Forum for Birthparents
Birthparents who have placed children more than 5 years ago
Mary Carol Bird is a birthparent
Here is her story.
Recent birthday thoughts on the birthday of her birthdaughter
Question for Carol: resentment of birthfather
Dear Carol:
My 23 year old daughter has recently found me. I was shocked to say the least and had to go through all the emotional feelings about her again, plus tell my children that they had an older half sister who they had no clue about. I thought things would be great, us meeting and all. I am currently living outside of the United States and not due to return for a few more months for a vacation.
My daughter couldn't wait to meet me so she contacted her biological father and now he is going to see her right away. I resent him more now than I ever have. I just need to know if others have felt the same way I do. He didn't have to give up the things in life that I was forced to give up when I got pregnant at 16. My whole life changed but his stayed the same. He never seemed to care, and now, all of a sudden he is this "wonderful caring person" who wants to play an important role in the life of the baby he didn't want. I did tell my daughter that I thought it only fair that I meet her first but it hurt her feelings because after taking to him a while she decided that she did want a wonderful relationship with him also. Don't adoptees realize that there probably was a good reason that their birthparents didn't get married, and that finding their birthparents might pit them against each other and cause really hard feelings that, up until now didn't matter because they had nothing to do with one another all those years? It has been hard enough for me to live with what I did -- giving my baby away!
To see a person that you really don't like at all move in and try to take away your opportunity for a longed for relationship away from you, is just unfair.
After being in contact with my daughter I discovered that she was telling me what she thought I wanted to hear, and I am sure that she was telling him the same thing. I don't know how to feel. I am truly scared for the reunion now. Please help me with this confusion that I feel? Thank you, Vickie
Carol's Response
Dear Vickie: Please, don't sabotage your relationship with your daughter before it even has a chance to blossom. You must turn away from yourself and look at her "side" too. This is your child you're talking about. She has spent 23 years wondering about you; wondering why she was given up, and whether she was loved. No matter how loving and caring her parents have been, you've always been in the "shadows" and an object of curiosity, and so has her birthfather -- that's why she searched for you!
Believe me, I understand how you feel. I understand the emotions and the downright jealousy we are touched with when are reunions are in development stages. Oddly enough, though I never felt anything about the possibility of Susan meeting her birthfather, I sure felt it over the relationship she had with the wonderful parents who raised her and who surround her with love to this day.
It is difficult for us birthmothers to understand the feelings of our child because all of THEIR life we've lovingly and longingly thought of them as "MY BABY." Yes, WE were the ones who made all the sacrifices. We're the ones who lived with the pain, remorse and guilt of having had to give our child up. For most of us we carried the burden ourselves, with little help or understanding from those who surrounded us. Yes, the guy who "plants the seed" just brushes himself off and goes on as though nothing happened. And, YES, is isn't fair for him to share the child he rejected. But, unfortunately, that's the way these things go sometimes.
My daughter's birthfather even had a difficult time remembering ME, let alone the child he fathered in 1954. By the time I contacted him Susan and my reunion was already a few years old and I had two beautiful granddaughters to love. At that point he and I had neither seen nor heard from each other for around 35 years, so I can understand his forgetting ME. But I felt Susan had a right to know him and so I searched for him and provided her with the information. He called me and I told him about her and the girls and that was that. That was around 1990, and to this day I don't even know if she looked him up or has a relationship of any kind with him --- and I don't care. We don't talk about HIM. It is our relationship with EACH OTHER that matters. She KNOWS my story.
What I'm trying to say is that it's YOUR relationship with your daughter that is important to you right now --- not her relationship with HIM. She's a woman, and though she's ten years younger than Susan was when we reunited, she's old enough to see the total picture. She knows he was a "stinker." He, if he's half way decent, is probably beating himself up right now.
So, let it be and concentrate on your relationship with her and your reunion PLEASE! You have a lifetime ahead of you. You are both young enough to build a special kind of relationship together, and there's wonderful opportunity for her and her siblings to get to know and care for one another. Leave him in the background where he belongs and erase ny thoughs of him or feelings of resentment from your mind, because if you continue to harbor jealousy and distaste for her birthfather, you risk souring your relationship. In the end, you're the one who'll suffer.
You really should seek counselling, too. Therapy has helped me over many hurdles in Susan's and my relationship, and, though there are many, many things I would LIKE to be different in that relationship, I've learned to greatly appreciate what I HAVE.
You've heard the expression "unconditional love" -- that's a goal to seek in this relationship, just as it is in the relationship you have with the children you have raised. Open your arms and heart to your child, and forget about him and any relationship she has with him. No matter how you feel about him, she DOES have the right to know him; no matter how unworthy he is.
Remember, too, it isn't her intention "pit" you and him against each other, she just wants to KNOW you both and, discover HERSELF since it took the genes of both of you to create her.
In addition to therapy, check out the reviews in our on-line "bookstore" for books about adoption reunions and especially stories written by adoptees about their feelings, hopes and desires; most libraries have a fair selection. Read some of the letters I have received and the ones on Marcie Axness's Adoptee Support Forum; they will help you to understand what she's going through, and the process you both will be experiencing in the upcoming months and years.
Keep me posted on your progress and please don't hesitate to write to me either at Adoption Resources or via my personal e-mail address whenever you need to talk or need advice. I'm here to help you, if I can.
With love and hugs, Carol
Question for Carol:
My husband and I gave our baby girl up for adoption 19 years ago, I was told that it would be better if I did not hold my child or see her, and since that is what my father wanted too, that's what happened. I never wanted to give her up and even tried to run away a few times. It was a closed adoption, but I do have the name and address of the preacher who assisted in placing my baby and am told he sees the adoptive family on occasion. I have stayed in touch with the preacher and send letters to her on her birthday each year, with addresses and phone numbers and even pictures.
Though I understand she never had any a-siblings, she does have two half- sisters and a two-year-old full-blood sister by her father and me. I feel that it is important that she has the chance to know her sisters. How do I find her if it was a closed adoption?
Cyndi
Carol's Response
Dear Cyndi,
Closed adoptions is what the "search & reunion" movement is all about. While it IS conceivable that the letters and photos you sent your daughter through the preacher WERE forwarded to her, I doubt that they were. Generally those who arrange the adoption think it is best to sever relations altogether. I suggest that you and your husband talk to the preacher and ask for his assistance and advice. You might even suggest that perhaps you could meet with the adoptive parents to discuss a meeting with your daughter. If an agency was involved, you should be able to get some information from them. Some states have already passed laws that "unseal" adoption files; check to see if your state is one of them. Arm yourself with information that will help persuade the people you speak with.
Check the Adoption Resources SEARCH page (http:\\www.adopting.org) for information on how to conduct a search; where to go and what to look for. Enter the information you have (date of birth; city and hospital, doctor and any other information you have) on the various registries. There's one on this site and you can also contact International Soundex (P.O. Box 2312, Carson, Nevada 89702) and the various Adoptee organizations, such as A.L.M.A. (Adoptee Liberty Movement Assoc) based in New York City. Sources like this can also be found listed on this site. All of these sites and organizations provide assistance and advice for the search.
You can also launch from our site to other adoption sites on the Internet; some have free registries and some have bulletin boards. I advise that you put your information on as many on-line registries and adoption bulletin boards as possible. There's always a chance that your daughter is looking for you and has already registered.
Please prepare yourself for a possible reunion by reading as much as you can about adoption, and the personal experiences of adoptees, birth families and adoptive parents during and after the reunion. There is a wealth of material available today--take advantage of it. Professional counseling by a trained therapist is also very helpful. Reunion opens all the doors we've kept closed throughout the years of separation. In reunion we find ourselves battered with feelings of regret, remorse, guilt, envy of the adoptive family, together with the joy and wonder in discovering our adult child. The pressure can be debilitating. Prepare well for it.
Good Luck, and Warm Hugs ... CAROL
Question for Carol:
Dear Carol:
I just found my birthmother and am feeling happy and all other sorts of things at the same time. She was glad to hear from me but does not have a lot to say. She has called me once since we first spoke, but I seem to be the one doing all the talking. She is very quiet. She tells me she loves me and I her. How should I approach this odd situation.
Kathy
Carol's Response:
Dear Kathy:
It sounds to me like your birthmother is still in shock! Which leads me to assume that YOU are the one who conducted the search and that your call stunned her.
Sometimes, in our haste to discover ourselves and put the pieces of our life puzzle together, we push too hard. We neglect to prepare ourselves for the trauma of reunion and don't fully understand the psychological effect this experience will have on ALL members of the triad: you, your adoptive parents and your birthfamily members. We forget that our families and friends have to be prepared.
When my daughter turned 21 in 1975, I joined a registry and decided I had better prepare my family. At that time I told my mother, my stepmom (who I urged not to tell my dad until the reunion happened), my brothers and sister (leaving the decision to tell nieces and nephews up to them) and some of my closest relatives. I waited, and waited, and finally gave up hope that she would look for me. As much as I did, it wasn't enough to prepare me for the trauma I would experience AFTER the reunion. You see, many of us older birthmoms were forced to live with secrecy and guilt. The big puzzle was: how do we tell people about our child? I had friends who knew me for 20-30 years and never knew I had a child. My nieces and nephews didn't know about Susan; there were cousins, aunts and uncles who didn't know about her.
After her phone call on Dec. 16, 1986, I was forced to break the news, and after our meeting over the New Year's Eve period, I had copies of photos made and made up a special card with a brief (and honest) explanation and sent it to close friends and family who didn't already know. They all got the shock of their life, but all of them gave me support.
If your birthmom wasn't prepared, she's experiencing a lot of emotional difficulties: how to tell others in her family, for example. If she is married and has other children, she may never have told them (why have them share the pain of not knowing who and where you were?). She, too, has to find her way through the secrecy and guilt. She has to plan her announcement and she's probably going through a difficult period. She needs your understanding as much as you need hers.
If you haven't already, please read some of the material offered by this website. There are many wonderful books that provide insight into the experience of reunion and recovery (see our free Search Forum for information and book reviews). You and your birthmom can benefit from the material. If you can, please seek professional counselling. If you can't afford it, check out the universities with school of psychiatry and see if they have a clinic you can join. Recommend that your b-mom and adoptive parents read some of these books and, if necessary, also seek counselling.
Once the thrill of reunion eases off and you come back to earth, the long journey into discovery begins. Things don't just "fall in place." Your lives are changed forever and sometimes you'll wish you had never opened the door to your identity. In the end, it's worth the trauma and the misunderstandings and the struggles.
Just bide your time; give your b-mom time to recover from the shock and decide how to handle this wonderful experience. Don't expect a smooth ride; rollercoasters have extreme ups and downs and crazy turns and jerks---just like life!
Please be patient with yourself, your birthmom --and your adoptive parents-- during this joyful, but traumatic time.
Hugs, Carol - z004259b@bc.seflin.org
Question for Carol:
In November 1992 I received a phone call from BC Social Services telling me my "mother" had been located and desperately wanted to speak to me. To make a long story short, by a mix up, my name was moved from a non-identifying file into an identifying file and I was reunited with my birth mother.
At first I thought, "oh well, why not," seeing as she was so excited and I too was a little curious. However, since then my birthmother has become completely irrational. She obviously wanted an instant mother/ daughter relationship--after 24 years--and I, on the other hand, never really wanted to meet her. I'm glad I did, but that's basically as far as it goes. I have tried to be accommodating--the occasional letter, visit, holiday/birthday cards--but I do not want or need another "mom".
To this day I have never told her our reunion was a mistake for fear she'd be even more hurt. I would like her to be satisfied with meeting me and knowing I was okay all those years, and that I was raised in a wonderful, loving home and that her decision was the right thing for everyone. However, I think she is an 'all-or-nothing' type of person and I just cannot accommodate her wishes.
I suggested, several years ago, that my birth mother and I take advantage of counselling that the registry that reunited us offered after the reunion, but she refused and said I was the one who needed counselling for being so unfeeling.
At this point I would like to cut ties completely. I would just like help in doing it in as tactful and sincere a way as possible.
Thanks, Sincerely, Meg
Carol's Response:
Dear Meg:
Please don't cut your ties to your birthmom. I realize and thoroughly understand how you feel, but I can also relate to your birthmom. I know it is difficult for adoptees who have been raised with love and care by their adoptive families to find room in their lives for their birthfamily. My daughter was raised by a wonderful parents and has shared much love and true family ties with them all for the almost 44 years of her life. She has known me only 11 of those 44 years, and certainly doesn't need "another mother" either. In the beginning it was difficult for me to face the fact that she really wasn't looking for "another family."
You are still young and if you cut ties now, I think you'll regret it in the future. When Susan and I were first reunited she told me that she was glad that we were not reunited earlier; she said she wasn't "ready" at age 21 or even age 25. She wanted to know me, but she wasn't "ready."
As difficult as it is for you, try to understand that most of us birthmothers live with a profound loss all the days of our child's life. During those years of separation, you are as real to us as our very selves. We dream of Reunion, not understanding that Reunion will open the doors to a flood of mixed emotions: happiness/sorrow; joy/guilt; envy/pride, discovery/loss, remorse, remorse, remorse. We are "wounded" women and many of us have never had the support we needed to heal ourselves. Some of us can handle the stress that comes with reunion, and others go over the edge shortly after reunion. It takes time for us to heal and to accept the fact that our "baby" isn't OUR'S.
That's why we encourage the searchers to prepare themselves by taking advantage of the wealth of information available written by adoptees and birthfamily members who have experienced reunion. This process and professional support are truly needed by ALL members of the triad. Unfortunately, many of us (me included) didn't' get it till after the first shock of reunion ran its course. I was fortunate because my daughter had training in therapy and she stayed on the rollercoaster with me, much as she wanted to hop off and run for her life, several times over the years.
I suggest you check out the books on adoptions and reunions you'll find on our free Search Forum. Check them out at the library and try to find one or two that provide a good insight into the adoptee's feelings (I found BIRTHBOND extremely helpful, though there are many other excellent accounts of reunions.) Be carefully selective and buy one or two that you feel will help to your birthmom and urge her to read them.
It took me about seven or eight years to "recover" and come to grips with reality. I had problems accepting the fact that the "baby" I carried in my memory and heart most of my life was not MY BABY at all. She's a grown up woman who has a wonderful mom and dad and extended family. I had to work hard to find a place in her life. I was overwhelmed by jealousy of her adoptive mother--a truly wonderful, caring, supportive woman for whom I have much love and admiration (and deep gratitude). It got so bad that I denied myself visits to Susan and my grandchildren because it hurt so much to watch her with her parents and realize that she had a life separate from me. The last time I visited them was summer 1991. I bridged the distance with letters and over the years developed a solid bonding via mail with my grandchildren. Believe me, it was difficult. The only times I saw them was when they came here to visit. Twice two years passed between their visits. I went into therapy in 1992 and continue with my sessions today. It has helped me a great deal, and I think our relationship has benefitted. December 30, 1997 marked 11 years since our first face-to-face meeting and this Christmas visit (1997) was the best we've ever had. I thank God that Susan was stable enough to hang in there while I struggled to come to terms with reality. I'm glad that her parents are so supportive and caring.
Please, Meg, DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR! Leave it open a crack; someday you will probably be glad you did.
Do check out Marcy Axness (Adoptee Support Page) and read some of her writing. She had a lot of problems with her birthmom, too; she can offer advice. Hang in there, honey.
Hugs, Carol (z004259b@bc.seflin.org)
Expert Forum for Birthparents
who have placed children more than 5 years ago.
Copyright ? 1997 by Mary Carol Bird. All rights reserved. No part of this section may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems without permission in writing from the writer.
Adopt Copyright ? 1995,96,97 CIS. All Rights Reserved.
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