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Issues related to Infertility and Launching an Adoption...continued..
Dealing With Racism; Our First Snub!
I always thought it would be from a white person, but it wasn't. When I adopted Joey I wasn't trying to make any statement, I was just trying to have some children. When they showed us his picture from Brazil we instantly said OK. We didn't care if he was black or white, we wanted him. We get stared at a lot and I have become a little more careful where we go with Joe. Some of my old friends just faded away, I think it was to much for them to handle. Well any way The first out right snub came from a black women who found it ok to have Joey visit until she got a look at us, then she suddenly found that she was to busy that day to have Joe over to play with her daughter. Ever since then she has had an excuse every time, until we stopped asking. Have any other parents felt this? Am I over sensitive? I know this letter is a little disjointed, but I would really like some feedback from anyone who can shed some light on this matter.
Response from Pat:
As the white parent of an African-American/Latina teenaged daughter I remember having the wind knocked out of me the first time we experienced the racism of others. I'm thankful now that it happened too early for my daughter to be aware of it. It gave me time to prepare to parent her differently and better than I would have had I clung to the idealistic and unrealistic "we're all the same underneath the skin" approach that led us to adopt transracially to begin with. If it were only that easy...
Adopting transracially brings a unique set of challenges for parents as well as their children. American and Canadian and European caucasians can never completely understand racism, because as members of the majority culture our "white privilege" has been "normal" and almost completely unacknowledged for both ourselves and the parents who raised us and so did not teach us to ackowledge it's impact on the way we live our every day lives. The first time the white adoptive parent of a person of color is hit squarely in the face by apparent racism--no matter what the race of the person from whom it comes--it comes as a shock.
Now that you know that kind of seemingly illogical and broadly general judgment of others exists, though, you need to learn to address it yourself and to begin to teach your child how to handle it as he grows. Every parent of a child who was adopted should belong to a parent group, but transracial adopters really MUST "plug in" to the network of families dealing with issues such as these. Join a local adoptive parents' group which can keep you informed of pertinent workshops sponsored by other groups and agencies and will offer you the support of parents who've already "been there." Subscribe to Pact Press, a magazine devoted exclusively to issues pertaining to adoptive families raising children of color. Pact also offers a particularly rich catalog of books on adoption, on racism, and on multicultural issues, among them Cheri Register's Are Those Kids Yours?
And the next step is to speak frankly with your friends of color (you do have close friends of color, don't you?) about the issues which make transracial adoption such a controversial, hot-button topic for many African-Americans. These are the issues the agencies may not ever have brought up! But they are important issues for you to understand as you raise Joey!
Pat Johnston Question Concerning Adoption
i had my first miscarriage 3 years ago my husband and i were devestated,but we were comforted by the fact that we knew i could get pregnant and wanted to try again. Well it is now three years later and still no baby. we have talked about adoption and were worried that because we are of average income and only 21 that we would be refused. i have heard of all kinds of children overseas needing adoptive families and cannot understand why income and age would stop the goverment from letting a child have two parents who could give a baby a loving and healthy home.
So my questions are as follows
1.Do age and income guidlines for adoption exist (and if so what are they)
2.And is it easier to adopt a child from overseas then it is in The United States?
3.how would you go about starting adoption procedings either in the U.S. or a foriegn country?
Response from Pat:
Penny, yes it is true that age and income can be eligibility factors in both domestic and international adoption, but that's a very broad answer, so don't let it scare you off entirely!
Domestically, agencies have several reasons for the eligibility requirements they set (most of which are agency policies, subject to easy revision and exception, and not state laws.) Religious requirements may be set by private agencies affiliated with a specific faith because the faith wants to be certain that its children are raised in that faith. Some private (especially religion-affiliated) agencies set policy not to place at all or not to place babies with gay or lesbian couples or with singles, again in keeping with their religious principles. Except in situations where agencies set a high flat fee for adoption which a particular adopter might not be able to afford, family income requirements are rarely direct barriers to adoption--instead most agencies take a look at a family's financial overall situation, trying to determine how well they manage the family's income and savings and whether it appers that they will be able to deal with the added financial pressures of parenthood. Age and length of marriage requirements (upper or lower) may be in place beause the agency has strong opinions about youth or age as a factor in meeting a child's "best interests" for stable and continuous parenting. But more often age and length of marriage requirements are in place primarily to help to filter eligibility. When an agency has few babies to place, placing with more "mature" families and families with longer-term relationships provides a realtively easy and logical way to just keep the numbers of applicants to a manageable level. Not fair, maybe, but an administrative necessity for some agencies.
When it comes to international adoption the government of each country makes its own decisions about requirements for age or income or marital status or religion, etc. it places on prospective adoptive parents. Though it is sometimes difficult for North Americans to understand the reasoning behind some countries' requirements (some countries will not place with singles; some will place only with older parents; some require proven infertility, etc.) it is important to remember that these governments are responsible for best meeting the needs of their own children in ways which respect the cultural norms of their citizens. Most countries are somewhat embarrassed that there is a need for out-of-country adoption at all, and so it is important that international adopters be respectful of government guidelines--a first step in being respectful of their children's birth culture!
There are several places to obtain information about the adoption guidelines for various countries (which, by the way, change with relative frequency.) Perhaps the most extensive is the Report on InterCountry Adoption published annually (and updated through the year) by the International Concerns Committee for Children in Colorado. As for domestic adoptions, please consider AFA's Guide to Adoptions. You might also want to consider reading Adopting after Infertility (my book) and Lois Gilman's Adoption Resource Book as a good how-to.
Pat Johnston
Question about beginning to look into adoption:
My husband and I, married for eight year have not yet conceived. We have not aggressively tried; however, hit or miss in that time it is likely we would have if it were possible. We have been looking into the road to adoption. Being an adpotee, myself, my husband and I agreed a long time ago that we would adopt a child whether or not we conceived our own. Any direction you can offer would be appreciated.
Sincerely,
Janice
Response from Pat:
Dear Janice,
First, a bit of "adoption lingo" just FYI... adoption professionals describe folks who adopt after identifying that they have infertility problems preventing or complicating their attempts to give birth as "traditional adopters." Fertile people who quite deliberately choose adoption over giving birth are called "preferential adopters."
The reason for this "sorting" is that most adoption profesionals think that it's important to help prospective parents carefully examine their motivations for adoption before they will help them with a placement. Things have changed a lot since you were yourself adopted (and since my husband's parents adopted him.) Clearly acknowledging and understanding one's motivation for adopting a child has been identified as one of the steps parents need to take in building a healthy sense of entitlement about their adoptive parenthood, and understanding what brought them to adoption will also assist these parents in helping their growing children to develop a strong sense of entitlement to their adoptive family. Additionally, whether one is seen as a traditional or preferential adopter can become important in determining how and with whom to make placements.
Because you describe your fertility history as having not conceived after eight years of "hit and miss" attempts but that you have no particular interest in medical diagnosis and possible treatment, you fall into the middle. You need to know that this "middle ground" could be a complicating factor rather than a help in adopting through some sources. Here's why...
Because there are far fewer healthy babies in need of adoption in the US today than there were when you were born and your adoption arranged, a not insignificant number of both agencies and facilitators (but certainly not all) and even most birthparents (in adoptions where they do the choosing of parents) seem to give infertile couples with one or no children priority. The rationale behind this is that, with an extensive pool of would-be parents from which to choose (at least 50 couples wait in line for each available healthy white baby), matching the "needs" of the limited number of healthy babies for parents with the "needs" of couples who would not be parents unless they adopted becomes a "feel good" thing for professionals and birthparents alike.
Now of course there are many, many children in the world who are much more needy of parents than are healthy white newborns in most of Europe and North America. There are domestically born healthy babies who are of mixed racial heritage; domestically born babies with a variety of health problems; domestically born children who are older than infancy and have come into the adoption system with serious health problems or after being abused or neglected in their birth families; and children from infants to teenagers in underdeveloped or poverty striken or wartorn countries in Asia, South America, Africa, and small parts of Eastern Europe who are relatively healthy or have emotional or health problems who desperately need families. Would-be parents identified as preferential adopters (fertile couples, singles, gay and lesbian couples, etc.) very often find it easier and faster to adopt these domestically or internationally born children who clearly have a more significant "need" for parents rather than wait for the "iffier" placement of a healthy, same-race, North American newborn.
This is a long and complex way of pointing out to you and your partner, Janice, that you have more work to do here. The first thing to do is to figure out what kind of adoption you wish to pursue--newborn, todder or older child; healthy or not necessarily so; domestically-born or from elsewhere in the world; of your own race or not; through an agency or privately and WHY. With this information clarified you can begin your search for an agency or facilitator, which does not necessarily have to come from your own community or your own state or even your own country! You can make contact with the RESOLVE chapter and an adoptive parent group in Nevada as a good place to begin seeking referrals from citizens of your state who have adopted successfully, and contact many of the adoption providers listed on this site and elsewhere on the web, and you will also find it helpful to buy a copy of Adoptive Families of America's inexpensive Guide to Adoption, which includes articles and long lists of contact information for agencies and parent groups around the country.
But, I hope that I've made it very clear, Janice, that depending on what your assumptions have been about becoming parents and "who" you have been thinking you might want to adopt, it may become important that you do at least a bit more work in figuring out the status of your potential fertility. Eight years of "hit or miss" without a pregnancy could describe a variety of easily treatable reasons for your apparent subfertility. And some adoption providers will have expected you to take at least those simple first steps if you are asking them to help you adopt a healthy white newborn. You might begin by reading my book Taking Charge of Infertility and we can talk about that more in another question if you like.
The journey continues...
Pat Johnston
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