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Issues related to Infertility and Launching an Adoption...
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What grade in school for son who grew up in an orphanage?
My adopted son came home from Russia one month ago. He is 7 (July birthday.) I can tell he is more mature than my 5 year old, but am not sure he is ready for 1st grade, on an emotional level. He has started school, and will be in an ESL program 2hrs/day. What criteria can be used to decide on whether to stick-it-out in 1st grade or move hime to kindergarden? Is 1 month a long enough evaluation period?
Response from Pat:
Federal laws require and give supportive funding for schools to be able to 1. deal with English as a second language for children (ESL) who are not native-born English speakers as well as for educational testing that will provide the data necessary to evaluate emotional and educational readiness. You school system's ESL coordinators and department of psychometry should be prepared to handle these issues. If you have reason to suspect that they are avoiding the issues or improperly addressing them because of their complexity, you might begin looking for outside help on eductional and language issues with the department of education at a nearby university with a strong department of education.
Keep in mind as well that your child's past living environment was not a family but an institution. According to experts, this may well mean that you can expect emotional and even educational regression as he expends emotional energy adjusting and allowing himself to begin to attach. You will probably find A Child's Journey through Placement by Vera Fahlberg and Gregory Keck's Adopting the Hurt Child especially helpful. Even more important than reading,however is that you "do not pass Go" without plugging your family into a parent group for famialies who have adopted from Eastern Europe. The Parent Institute for the Post Institutionalized Child (PNPIC@aol.com) has a wonderful newsletter and offers periodic workshops around the country (PP's web site tries to stay current and announce them--one is listed there now for this fall) and on line you will find the aparentruss listserv where you can join other families with Russian born children in supporting one another. (Editor's note: Check this page for other families with Children from Russia) Adopting Toddler Twins!
My husband and I are in the process of adopting 15-month old twin girls, our first children.. We initially saw them when they were 6 months old but only recently the birthmother has decided to place them with us. They have been in a stable and loving home with the birthmother's brother and his wife since they were 6 days old. We plan to continue the relationship with their aunt and uncle but distance between our homes will inhibit frequent visits. Our questions concern the transition to our home. I am planning on spending time with them in their current environment for a period of time and then their aunt will spend time with us in our home. During this period of time, I will assume more of the caretaker role as their aunt assumes less. Is this the best way to approach it? Also, how long should we wait until the children see their aunt and uncle again or hear them on the telephone? When they were 6 months old, we were considering changing their names but now we're not sure if it's a good idea. We thought about keeping their given names as middle names and calling them a combination of both until they are used to their new name. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Response from Pat:
First, congratulations to both you and your twins "foster parenting" birth aunt and uncle on your plans for a slow, shared transition. They are absolutely terrific, and will offer your children the best possible start-- much better than the average toddler gets in what far too often is an abrupt move. In spending time in their current home and working with the foster mother and then her agreeing to spend some time in your home working with you the two of you are sending a strong message to them that you both care about them and that their mother figure gives them her "permission" to love and be cared for by you.
Mary Hopkins-Best's Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft (Perspectives Press, 1997) and a new workbook from the Children's Home Society of Mn called With Eyes Wide Open will both offer you additional practical strategies for smoothing the transition. Keep in mind that your children are still very sensory beings, so that anything you can do to retain familiar smells (e.g. cooking odors, colognes, soaps), tastes (e.g. specific food brands), textures and shapes (e.g the feel of a blanket, the shape of a body) sights (e.g. the color or pattern on the wall of their bedroom), sounds (the kind of music played on the radio), comfort cycles (e.g. schedule of daily routine) etc. will help the routine.
They are too young for verbal reassurances and explanations to do what these could do for a four or five year old, so these other sensory reassurances from you and their birthfamily are very important.
Regarding names, I strongly agree that you should not change the names by which they have been called. Research proves that at 15 months they already recognize their names as belonging to them, and changing their names could both confuse and cloud their move. Claiming them with new middle names and your last name will give you the opportunity to have this important parenting function.
While your twins have one advantage that singletons do not have when moved at this age--one another's presence and continuity--you appear to be doing everything you can to make this a truly baby-centered adoption. Our best wishes to you!
Pat Johnston Wanting to Adopt a Toddler Girl
My husband and I would like to adopt a little girl. We have a 6 yr old son and would like a daughter slightly younger, but an infant is not out of the question; although we would prefer a child around say 2-5 yrs old. As I am writing this it sort of sounds like I am ordering up some sort of animalor something. Its a bit strange and all new to me also scarry. You hear so manny horror stories in the news today.
Our son Michael was born autistic\mentalretardation; he is doing much much better now and the autisim is pretty much out grown and is playing catchup now and I might add that he is a wiz on the computer and doing very well in school. Michaels' problems is what has promted us to decided to adopt rather than take the chance of having a worser child, plus it would give someone else's child a chance at life.
Response from Pat:
Adopting a toddler could well be a faster route to parenthood than waiting to adopt a newborn, as both domestically and internationally many toddler aged children wait for permanent families. Additionally, adopting a toddler does allow you to be fairly certain of the health status of the child you might consider adopting. It is important that you understand, however, that adopting a toddler aged child brings its own set of complications. First, toddlers are cognititvely mature enough to have distinct memories of their previous life situations (sometimes abusive or neglectful) but do not have the cognitive skills for traditional "talk" therapy or preparation for a move. That means that you need to be especially well prepared to make a smooth transition for a child you hope to adopt and to allow for what may be a relatively lengthy adjustment period. As mentioned in the previous question regarding adopting 15 month old twins, there are now two especially good tools available to fill what was before a huge gaping hole in the adoption literature when it came to adopting toddlers. Please find and read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best (see above)and a new article by Mary will be up on the Perspectives Press web site as of 9/7/97 and With Eyes Wide Open.
After reading, feel free to come back here with more questions. We'd be glad to try to answer them!
Pat Johnston
Question about beginning to look into adoption:
My husband and I have been talking lately about adoption. Nothing definite, just in passing conversation. But you always hear it is so difficult. There are so many requirements. We both have a good steady jobs with good incomes and a beautiful new house. The problem is that 3 years ago we had a failed business which forced us to bankruptcy. Can you still adopt? I will think more carefully if the possibility is YES.
Response from Pat:
A prior bankruptcy is absolutely not necessarily a barrier to adoption. Certainly one of the things that agencies look at when doing the home study/parent preparation process with prospective adopters is their financial situation, but if you are completely honest about yours and are able to show how the bankruptcy happened and that you are now managing your finances in a way that is not likely to lead to further problems, most agencies would say yes to placing a child with you.
That hurdle behind you then, you can now get much farther into the concept of adopting than "passing conversations." I'd like to suggest that a place to begin the "should we adopt?" process is by reading my book Adopting after Infertility (Perspectives Press, 1992), which will offer you the opportunity to understand adoption's special issues over a lifetime and whether it can truly meet your needs to make children a part of your life. An additional resource you might look for is Marianne Takas' and Edward Warner's To Love a Child: A Complete Guide to Adoption, Foster Parenting and Other Ways to Make Children a Part of Your Life (Addison Wesley, 1992.)
Good luck with this exploration! Pat Pat Johnston
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