Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Patricia Irwin Johnston
Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Patricia Irwin JohnstonIssues related to Infertility, Pre-Adoption and Post-Adoption
Question:
Our 4 year old fraternal boy-girl twins were adopted from Guatemala when they were 5 months old. They have always known about their adoption. They know they grew in a birth mother's tummy and that a foster family took care of them until Mommy and Daddy could get to Guatemala to bring them home. They accept this and understand as well as four year olds can. They have already expressed interest about going back to Guatemala and finding their birth mother because "she must be lonely without us."
According to the information we received, their unmarried birth mother placed them for adoption as soon as she found out she was having twins, because she knew she could not feed and house two babies. They do not know that.
They also do not know that they have a biological sister in Guatemala. This child does have the same birth father as our twins. At the time of their birth she was 3 years old and living with their biological maternal grandparents
Our question is, how and when is a good time to tell them about the sister? How do we explain why she is still in Guatemala and they were placed for adoption? My daughter regularly asks for a sister. How do we say we will not be adopting her also?
Response from Pat:
It sounds as if you are doing a good job of answering your twins' questions in an age appropriate way. Just make sure not to avoid using opportunities that arise to share age-appropriate information.
As for asking for a sister, this is pretty typical four year old thinking, and it usually involves wanting a BABY sister, not a BIG sister. Keep the discussion of expanding the family separate from the birth-sibling discussion. Just honestly tell your daughter that parents need to make careful decisions about how big their family can be, and that you and Daddy have decided that your family is just the right size. Point out the advantages of the family size-- enough time, enough money, enough laps, etc. to manage everybody's needs. Then point out how having a baby would interfere with that. If she's enjoying babies, you might bea ble to help her satisfy this need to be with babies by suggesting that the two of you help in your house-of-worship's nursery during sabbath services, or by suggesting that you babysit for a friend or relative's baby together every once in a while. This should show her that babies can be both fun and a hassle and may change her view of whether or not she wants another sib!
At four the twins are nearing an age when, as they process their ideas about where babies come from and that many mothers give birth more than once that they may actually ask about whether or not there were siblings.
You might use their "loneliness" comments (When they come up again) as a starting point, by responding something like this... "It must have been very hard for your birthmother to realize that she would not be able to care for two babies at once. She had already had trouble being a mommy to a baby girl and needed to get help from others to keep her safe. I'm sure that she is often sad that you are not with her. But she must also feel very proud when she thinks that by planning an adoption for you she was able to be sure that you would have a mommy and a daddy who were ready and able to give you both the love and the care that you needed to be healthy and successful."
Don't assume that they will immediately suggest that you adopt the older sister, too. But if they do, you might say that she already has a family who is loving her and caring for her as best they can. As their thinking becomes more sophisticated (probably not for several years) you might add to this part of the discussion the suggestion that they think about what it would be like for them to think about moving away from the familiar home and language and culture when it was not necessary for them to move. Since their older sibling is safely being cared for, you might say, she does not need to move and she probably would not want to move. Even later, if you know that it would be possible, you might suggest that they could write to her.
You may want to use this opportunity to read two books I think you would find helpful:Flight of the Stork: What Children Think and When about Sex and Family Building by Anne Bernstein (Perspectives Press) will be helpful in building your understanding of HOW kids process information about birth, about adoption, about step and half siblings, etc. You might also want to read Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher's Talking to Young Children about Adoption.
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net Adoption: Starting is Overwhelming!
It has been hard enough to accept the fact that we will never bear our own children (because insurance refuses to cover the necessary diagnostics required for us to find out why, after 10 years of trying, we cannot conceive). After much consideration, we have decided to pursue adoption. I cannot tell you how overwhelming the issue of adoption seems. After several days on-line researching, I am so confused that I am afraid to go any further! I suppose you hear this question time & time again, but where is the place to begin? We just want a healthy baby without going lifelong into debt. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Response from Pat:
Tara, begin in your own backyard. First please consider reading my book Adopting after Infertility. It will help you to sort out some very important basics that will then make the rest of your research more managable. For example, do you want to adopt a baby or an older child? Do you want to adopt through an agency or independently? Do you want to adopt domestically or internationally? Do you want an open or a confidential adoption? You shouldn't make these decisions off the top of your heads. You should really weigh the pros and cons of each option and how it fits your needs and expectations, not to mention your budget, your age, your emotional resources, etc. As you work through these questions together, some of the information you've gathered from the internet can help you to make decisions about each one. THEN, having made the decisions, first make contacts in your own backyard with local parent groups (find names and phone numbers through NACAC and Adoptive Families of America.) Local families can help you determine whether it is wise to seek out resources elsewhere to accomplish an adoption or whether the style of adoption you've chosen is available to you at home.
The key to making the internet a useful resource is to narrow your searches to very specific questions!
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net
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