Adopt: Ask Our Expert: Patricia Irwin Johnston

Currently 0/5 Stars.

You may use the stars on the left to rate and leave feedback for the current article. No registration is required. Waiting for 5 votes

Please note, this page is no longer being maintained and may contain old or inaccurate information. Visit the home page or select a category in the navigation for more up-to-date information.

Issues related to Infertility, Pre-Adoption and Post-Adoption
...continued...

Question About Biracial Child
My wife and I recently adopted our 3rd child; a little girl who is now 2 weeks old. At the time of her birth it was unclear as to whether our child was caucasion or biracial (the bithmother is caucasian). As it turns out she is clearly biracial, a beatuiful little girl with a dark complexion. It is still not clear what her racial mix is. Our other two children are both biracial but look completely caucasian.

My wife is having considerable difficulty dealing with the fact that she is clearly biracial. My wife has stated that unlike our other adopted children, she is a constant reminder to her that she wasn't able to have children herself. She fears that she will never love this child the way she loves our other children and this child will face descrimination that the others will not.

This is obviously of great concern to me in that I feel it neccessary that she have the same devotion to all of the children, otherwise it will have an adverse effect on the entire family. I am currently trying to locate any support groups where we may speak with families who have adopted biracial children and might possibly have faced similar issues. Any help in this area or other advice you could give would be appreciated.

Response from Pat:
Christopher, as a cross-racial adoptive parent, and infertile woman, and as well as an educator, I think the issues you raise are very serious, and the concerns you have about the adverse effects a situation like this might have on the entire family are right on target. Your family needs help and you need it now.

Support groups and peer families who have also adopted transracially will be important to your family over the long haul. Call Adoptive Families of America in St Paul (800)372-3300 for a referral to a local adoptive parents support group. There you are very likely to find other interracial adoptive parents. You will find helpeful peer support on the internet by subscribing from the xcultureadopt listserve.

BUT, support groups are not enough, and they shouldn't be your first course of action. What you describe sounds like a situation that could benefit from the assistance of a professional counselor NOW!

Some things to consider: Feelings of ambivalence are not uncommon right after an adoption, nor is post-adoption blues, which are very much like a post-natal depression. Clearly your children's mother is having some of those blues. But the complicating factor you appear to be describing here is that you are already parenting two children cross-culturally, though their Caucasian appearance may have allowed your wife to deny their cultural heritage as part of her efforts to deny her ongoing grief and pain about her infertility. Unresolved infertility can have a devastating effect on the parent/child relationship. These are issues that can and should be faced head-on and healed. That's quite doable! But the longer you let this go, the more it is likely to become a thorny problem between you and your wife, between parents and all of the children, etc. You children deserve to have the unambivalent love and attention of both of their parents.

Please don't delay. You don't say where you are from, so I can't even attempt to be specific in recommending a counselor, but call Pact: An Adoption Alliance in San Francisco --an organization begun by two interracial adoptive moms to focus on the placement of children of color and issues of parenting children of color at (415)221-6957. Pact can help you find a counselor in the city where you live. You will also want to subscribe to their marvelous magazine, Pact Press.

Good luck!

Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net

Child With Serious Behavior Problems
I am concerned about an adoptive family who are close friends of mine. The adopted child is manifesting very serious behavior problems and a great deal of anger toward the adoptive parents, and I am afraid of serious consequences. Do you know of any books, or sources of help, for these very serious cases? I trust that you will respect privacy by not publishing this in association with my name, and will be very grateful for any suggestions you may have.

Response from Pat:
You have not been very specific here, and without more information about the age of the child now and age at arrival and the kind of anger he's manifesting it's difficult to know which books might be most helpful. But I'd suggest at least these:
A Child's Journey through Placement by Vera Fahlberg
Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kopecky
Don't Touch My Heart by Lynda Mansfield and Christopher Waldmann

Please feel free to come back with more specific questions.

Question from Teacher with Adopted Student
I am a elementary school teacher. I have a new student in my class. Last year she was adopted from an Eastern European country. I need some help in making her feel safe in my classroom. Do you have any tips for teachers who are working with children adopted from other countries?

Response from Pat:
If you feel that this child is feeling in some way unsafe in your classroom, that is probably a symptom of a larger adjustment problem not uncommon for children who come at an older age from an institutional environment to a nuclear family and into a new culture and a new language. I would suggest that you begin by talking over your concerns with the child's parents and asking for their help in best meeting their daughter's needs.

Setting up a conference with yourself, the parents, and your school's English Second Language resource teacher and possibly the school psychometrist would be a great start. Many (but far from all) children from institutionalized settings have potential learning problems that can, as you know, influence their comfort with and success in the classroom. If this young girl's parents are not already plugged into the PArent Network for the Post Institutionalized Child (PNPIC@aol.com) this can be a valuable resource for all of you in even forumlating the right questions to ask of one another, let alone in determining the kinds of educational, auditory, and other kinds of testing that might help you all best meet this girl's needs.

Continue to next page

Want to adopt? Pregnant?
click here