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Patricia Irwin Johnston, M.S. is a member of a family expanded through a third generation by adoption. Her husband was adopted, and they are parents of three children (ages 13, 16 and 22) who joined their family through adoption. Pat has been a long time award-winning volunteer in the infertility and adoption arenas, founding a RESOLVE chapter and serving for eight years (three as chair of the board) on RESOLVE's national board of directors, for two terms on the national board of Adoptive Families of America and as a national advisor to Pact: An Adoption Alliance in addition to local and regional volunteerism. Pat works as an infertility and adoption educator, traveling throughout the US and Canada to provide workshops for consumers and professionals. She is the author of several books (including Taking Charge of Infertility, Adopting after Infertility, and Launching a Baby's Adoption and the publisher at Perspectives Press: The Infertility and Adoption Publisher.
Check other Articles by Ms Johnston in Our Reading Room
More Infertility RX or Adoption?
Hi Pat -
first of all I want you to know that I have read all of your adoption books and I think they are great!! My problem is the following - last year my husband and I used fertility meds (shots) and IUI. I got pregnant very quickly however I lost 3 pregnancies at about 4-6 weeks. After the 3rd mc my md said I should wait until september to even think of trying again. In the meantime, we have finished our homestudy and paperwoork for an agency in texas to adopt a newborn. I want to be a mommy soooo bad!! My question is the following - I can't decide if I should go back to the doctor for more tests (although he said he really did all that he could) I was miserable on the medicines and I have many other medical problems therefore the doctor doesn't seem to optimistic. So do adoptions really come true? I feel like I am going to have to wait forever and than the birthmother will decide not to relinguish the baby.
Is it normal to be this nervous? Like I said I just want to be a mom - I can't see myself doing the fertility baloney again.
THANK YOU!
Response from Pat:
Gail,
Yes, it's normal to be this nervous. Yes, it's normal to have a hard time believing that an adoption could really happen after having had all of those miscarriages (I'm so sorry!)
But, Gail, the answer to your dilemma is in your own question. You said that what you want is to be a mommy. You said that an agency has already approved you for adoption. You said that you can't imagine putting yourself back on meds and feeling miserable.
Unless this is a really flakey agency (have you any reason to believe that they are?) their approval of your homestudy is a virtual guarantee that they will work to make you a mommy. You can call them and ask them to reassure you about this by asking a few questions... Do they make the match or do birthparents choose you? If the latter, is there anything about your profile that would lead them to believe that you might not get picked? How long does
the waiting take, on average? Do they have any approved families who have been waiting but unpicked for longer than two years? If their answers are what I expect they will be, you're on your way to parenthood!
So why go back for a medical evaluation now if parenthood by adoption is close at hand? Later, when you are thinking about a second child, you can reconsider a lot of things... has adoption gotten any harder? has treatment for your problem been improved? is experiencing pregnancy and birth important enough to risk a loss again?
I'd say that you've already made your decision in your heart, and you're just asking me to read your decision and state it back to you: Throw yourself into adoption and become a mother to your first child!!
Drop me a note when your baby arrives!
Pat
Afraid to Tell Son He is Adopted
I have just read your Fact Sheet on "Explaing Adoption to your Child." I'm still scared to tell my son he was adopted. My son is 7 years old. He was adopted when he was 3 months or we are the only parents he remembers. My husband is scared as well. A friend of the family told my husband a couple of weeks ago that it's about time we tell my son. But I told my husband, no one can decide for us. We need to make that decision for ourselves.
We have been looking for books and or videos to give Devin (my son's name) so when we do sit down to discuss it, it could soften the conversation.
Can you give us some names of books and/or videos that are available for a 7 year old to read and get some kind of understanding about adoption?
Response from Pat:
The toughest thing for me about answering your question, Mom, is that I don't understand what it is you are afraid of! You've said it all... you are the only parents your child knows. He loves you. You love him. Why are you frightened?
Now, I have to admit that I will be frightened for you if you delay any longer. IF you had told him a couple of years ago, and probably if you tell him SOON, in a warm and gentle and very matter of fact way ( a very casual "You know, honey, the day we adopted you was so exciting! I found this book and it reminded me of just how wonderful it was. I thought you might like to read it with me....") it is going to take it very casually, too. He'll have questions, sure. But his questions won't be panicky questions unless you seem to be panicky yourself.
One the other hand, if you wait until he is old enough to realize that you have been "hiding" something from him (pretty soon!)--something that you evidently see as pretty big and scarey and important and something that he's going to get the message from the rest of the world is important--he will very likely feel shocked, betrayed, and angry and very confused.
That's why most adoption educators advocate letting children know from the earliest days of their memory--long before they understand what it really means-- that something called "Adoption" is a part of their personal story.
Please don't delay any longer.
Videos? No, I'm not aware of any quality videos for kids on this subject, but there are a wealth of books. Go to the Amazon Books site and look for these warm and gentle stories to begin with (I'm listing them in the order of my own personal preference for them)
A Mother for Choco by Keiko Kasza (it doesn't even mention the word adoption, but it sure introduces the idea in a warm and reassuring way! Tell Me Again about the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis The Day We Met You by Phoebe Koehler Happy Adoption Day by John McCutcheon (there's an audio tape of a song that goes with this, too!)
If he then has questions about his conception and birth, use Our Baby: A Birth and Adoption Story by Janice Koch.
Later he will have some questions about why his birthmother didn't parent him. That's the time for The Mulberry Bird: An Adoption Story by Anne Brodzinsky
And once the topic is introduced, it will get easier and easier to talk, because you'll feel less tense about it yourself!
Good luck, and please tell us how it goes!
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net
International Adoptions
We are considering an international adoption. We received a list of agencies from the National Adoption Council, but how do we distinguish one from another. We have a recommendation from a friend, so that's one place to start. Do I call all of the agencies on the list and get their info packets? Do I start with the ones closest to me geographically? Help!
Response from Pat:
First, don't assume that NCFA has given you a list that is complete--it probably is just their members agencies, a good start, but not everything. Call AFA (Adoptive Families of America, 800-372-3300) and purchase their Getting Started packet, ask them for the name and phone number of the closest adoptive parents support group, and consider subscribing to their magazine while you are on the phone with your credit card out.
Call the local adoptive parents support group (APSG) and ask about families in the group who have adopted internationally and speak to them about their experiences with the agencies they used.
Then, because there is usually an added complication and the added expenses of many long distance phone calls and much mail to adopting across a state line, I would look very closely that those agencies within your state first. Many of them work closely with very large agencies located elsewhere, such as Holt in Oregon, for instance. Ask them all the questions you can think of... what countries do you work with, how much does it cost, how long does it take, etc. Ask if they are a member of the Joint Council on International Children's Services (www.jcics.org) the large umbrella agency for agencies who are involved in international adoptions.
If you do not feel satisfied that those local agencies can meet your needs, contact agencies in other states.
Good luck!
PAt Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net
Dealing with Rude Questions from others!
My husband and I have two small sons (age 2 1/2 and 4 weeks) who has entered our family through adoption. Two problems. How do I handle and/or speak to people who ask very nosy and personal questions about why we adopted?, can you have children?, he is not really yours, what about his mother? etc.,
Response from Pat:
Questions need to be handled one at a time. In general, if you are dealing with strangers, it is appropriate to put them on the defensive by responding with "I'm surprised that you would ask such a personal question!" and then move on. I've even advised people who are dealing with especially rude questioners to reply more shockingly--something like, "Gosh, that's pretty personal information you're asking there, but tell ya what, tell me what position for intercourse you used to conceive your child, and I'll answer your questions, too!"
However, because you are moving with the military, sometimes these questions may come from people you dont' necessarily with to offend because you may value continuing a relationship with them--people like new neighbors, or the pastor of your church, etc. In these cases, you can give the same message slightly more diplomatically. Something like "I'm pleased that you're interested in our family, but we feel that this kind of information is too personal to share. Please understand."
Question 2: Because we are miliatry and move quite a bit, most people do not know our first son was adopted. My sons adoption stories are their own and as they grow older I want to be able to answer these people appropiately and not have my sons think I am ashamed of them.
Pat Responds
It is important to teach, by example, that families can appropriately build boundaries for privacy. Your children, when older, can see that when it is OK to talk about things without shame within the family, then the issue of not sharing deeply personal info outside the family is not abotu shame but about privacy!
Question 3: our youngest son was conceived as a result of a date rape. How do we tell him about his past. We know absolutely nothing about his bfather. We are planning to meet his bmother very soon. I am worried about medical info and how to tell my youngest son when he asks about his bfather. We have plenty of bio info on our oldest son.
Pat Responds
First, this question is likely not going to come up for many years. Children's questions about where they come from tend to be about birthMOTHERS until they are in late grade school. Early questions can be answered with an honest, "We don't have that information." More importantly, however, since this is an open adoption, when he is old enough to ask, your answer should be that you think this is a question best asked of his birthmother. Talk to her in advance about the fact that one of the advantages of open adoption should be that she's there to answer questions for her birthchild. Then your job will be to help him understand the pain that this caused his birthmother and the fact that bad actions don't make bad babies! He's a good kid and there is no reason for him to feel shame about his conception and birth.
You may want to go to the Perspectives PRess web site and read the article "What Should We Tell the Kids" .
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net
What about bonding with a child from another culture?
My husband and I are exploring the possibility of adopting from China. We are thirty-something with no children. My husband has reservations about adopting from China for several reasons. First, is the bonding issue. Most daughters are received from eight months to over a year. How hard is it to overcome those very important months. Secondly, is the physical and psychological health of these children permanently affected?
Response from Pat:
Thousands of people adopt babies and toddlers from China every year--the overwhelming majority of them quite successfully. Yes it is true that babies who spend their early months in an institution rather than with a single parent figure can find it challenging to learn how to interact with "parents" in a "family," but most do so very well after a little adjusting. Most parents who adopt these daughters are well prepared for how to make this happen. They have read books (for example my book Launching a Baby's Adopton., if they are adopting a child under a year of age, or Mary Hopkins-Best's Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft if their daughter will be 1-4 yrs of age); they have attended classes with an agency; they have attended local seminars and workshops sponsored by adoptive parent groups and/or infertility support groups; they have interacted with other adopting parents.
Though one must be prepared for possible ongoing problems, they are unlikely. OF course all children--including the ones you give birth to--could have learning disabilities or ADD or some illness crop up later. However, most children who are adopted at young ages who do not have identified physical problems at the time of their placement, turn out to be just as healthy as would a child born to you.
While your husband's fears are entirely normal fears held by MOST people initially, they are likely to be dealt with successfully if he is willing to take the next step and to read, read, read, and listen, listen, listen before saying definitely yes or definitely no. You can help him by being the pro-active partner: find him the right books to read and get it for him and locate a workshop to attend and register the two of you to attend! (Use this web site, the Perspectives Press web site workshops page, and other web resources to locate those workshops close to you!
Good luck.
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Any negatives with open adoption?
My husband and I are going through the process of independent adoption. At this point we are very much in favor of open adoption. However, we want to know as much as we can about this kind of relationship. What we have found, though, is that much of what is published is completely pro open adoption and usually quite out of date. We would like to hear all sides of the issue. Our questions are: What are the negatives--anecdotal and statistical (if possible)--to open adoption? Have there been any recent studies of teenagers/young adults who have grown up with open adoption? Is creating a contract with the birth family a logical, useful, and legal step to take?
Thank you so much for your time.
Response from Pat:
Allie, some kind of important background to think about first...
Adoption only became a legal process during this century. Before the early part of the 20th century taking care of children in need of parenting was done by friends and relatives and neighbors, etc., and so "adoption" was informal and it was *always* "open. But when the combination of the industrial revolution and great waves of immigration created many "street children" in the Eastern seaboard cities, there were lots of children in need of care who didn't have friends or relatives, and so "stranger" adoption was conceived and adoption was legalized and institutionalized. The thinking then was that confidentiality would"protect" everybody.
Legalized, institutionalized open adoption between birth and adoptive families who were heretofor strangers to one another but have been match by some kind of a mediator--whether it's an agency, a social worker, a clergyperson, an attorney, etc.--has only been happening since the late 1970s, and so we really have very few "grown up" kids to study.
Additionally funding for genuine academic research is hard to come by, and so there are very, very few academically sound studies (although lots and lots of clinical observations--which are less reliable because they are almost uniformly done by those with a pro or con bias about the practice of open adoption) done in adoption at all--let alone in open adoption. The most respected study of families (not kids) in open adoptions so far, is the ongoing longitudinal work of the team of Dr. Harold Grotevant of the University of Minnesota and Dr. Ruth McRoy of the University of Texas at Austin.
You're right that most of the books out there are pro-open adoption. Two books that at least shed some valuable light on negative issues might be Lincoln's Caplan's An Open Adoption (a particularly well written analytical piece by a respected journalist) and a chapter or so in Dr. Jerome Smith's The Realities of Adoption.
"Contracts" are generally not legally enforcable anyway, and besides, a true open adoption is about forging a personal relationship with more in common with a marriage than with a business partnership. Human relationships grow and change over time, and in an open adoption, both sets of families need to be prepared to accept that fact from the beginning. Still, coming to some kind of more global mutual agreement about how the relationship will work, and how problems will be resolved is important, and setting down soem of the things about the pregnancy and delivery and transfer and early months process will help each of you frame your feelings and needs for one another and prevent the confusions that can arise in the intense emotion of giving birth, transitioning a child to adoption, and becoming parents.
My own stand on open adoption (both as a parent of children in both open adoptions, non-communicative but identified adoptions and confidential adoptions and as an educator) is relatively neutral--even in my newest book, Launching a Baby's Adopton. The neutrality seems to frustrate the heck out of an awful lot of advocates. But from my view it's like this... When bparents and aparents are well prepared and counseled open can be terrific, but sadly, preparation and ongoing support of both birth and adoptive parents is far too often seriously lacking. Subscribing to the digest version of the open adoption email list for a while might give you some insights into how "real" people--both birthparents and adoptive parents-- "live the joys and pitfalls of open adoption.
Pat Johnston
Perspectives Press, The Infertility and Adoption Publisher
Visit our web site at http://www.PerspectivesPress.com
PO Box 90318, Indianapolis IN 46290-0318 USA
phone/fax (317)872-3055, e-mail ppress@iquest.net
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